anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

[Meerka]

fastloris summed it up nicely.

Suspect you need a specialist site, cakey and madeup cause 1) culturally we're pretty profoundly unequipped to deal with polyamory / honest open relationships and 2) it really doesnt suit some people and they find it hard to see how it can suit others.

as long as there's honesty and no deceit and good communication and respect for the primary partner ... why not? If it works well. Anything between genuinely consenting adults :)

[AnyFucker]

Sorry, my pc playing silly buggers

[tribpot]

I have to say, this does feel like the old classic 'husband with wife-approved mistress' (not that you have actually met her, OP, which again I find odd for what is meant to be a very open and honest arrangement). She's a friend with benefits, isn't she? Nothing really to do with you.

If you're all happy with it - well, that's fine and dandy. But I don't think I would describe it as polyamory because you're not participating in the lives of the other people in the relationship. Just your DP gets to have an affair without you kicking off about it.

[madeupstuff]

What m'cakey has said really.

The semantics of poly vs. whatever-else is interesting. I appreciate that it's a scale and that we're right on one end of it.

[cakeymccakington]

why does she have to have anything to do with me? not all poly relationships involve everyone being involved with everyone else...

i am sure dp would be more than happy to help me make a profile on a dating site if i felt the inclination. although given the reasons we went into this in the first place I think it's unlikely I will want to, but you never know!

[Smokinmirrors]

What do both of your friends and work colleagues think? Do you live in a close knit neighbourhood or somewhere there are no near neighbours? Do you feel happy to discuss your poly relationship openly with your married friends? Do you have sort of 'dinner parties' (oo hate that term!)
or social get togethers where all your mates know the situation? Sorry lots of questions!

[cakeymccakington]

the link i posted earlier i think explains it all pretty comprehensively

here if anyone is interested

[madeupstuff]

Why would I need to help you?! (Not that I wouldn't if you wanted to)

[cakeymccakington]

anyfucker asked if you would be willing to!

like i say, we're fairly new to it, so it hasn't really come up with real life people yet!

[AnyFucker]

Do you two enjoy "talking" about your private lives in any other scenarios ? If all is hunky dory, why do you need to have it out there at all ? I don't talk about my own sexual relationship, why should yours be any more or less "interesting" (although I accept that some people have said they find it so in a voyeuristic kind of way). I wonder if the both of you get something from that.

[cakeymccakington]

i'm just answering questions people have asked. that's all.

this is not, in fact, what I intended or wanted to get from this thread. If you read the OP I was just looking for like-minded people to talk to

[AnyFucker]

Did you really think you would find many here ?

[EyelinerQueen]

laregina you're right. It does work for some couples. If you are both wired the same and only want one partner for life. That's great.

But if monogamy is the natural norm for humans then why do so few relationships last a lifetime? And of those that do how many are truly happy?

Why do so many people (not just men) cheat?

Of all the couples you know who are (outwardly) happily monogamous how many do you genuinely believe have never ever ever had a snog or more with someone other than their SO??

Not many I reckon.

So for every couple who are satisfied with one mate for life I'm willing to bet there are 10 who feel trapped and restricted by monogamy.

I think it's far more realistic and ballsy to make your own relationship rules based on honesty, respect and open communication than blindly subscribe to a norm which so often leads to deceit and pain for all involved.

A cursory glance at MN Relationships will show you how successful monogamous relationships are. Not very.

[cakeymccakington]

i have no idea... i know there are a few who have at least had poly relationships in the past even if they aren't in one right now.

is it a problem if i ask about it here? i wasn't aware that you were the relationship forum police

[Stillcomingtoterms]

Stbxh and I discussed doing this as a way to keep our marriage(dh realised he was gay) and apart from the fact that we were incompatible for sex we had a brilliant marriage. Why throw that away just because of sex.
I found lots of groups on yahoo groups which opened my mind to there being no 'right' marriage. It's your marriage and you can do what you like as looking as your both happy with it.

For us it didn't work as dh wanted to be in a relationship with a man and just couldn't get his head around being open, he saw it as being unfaithful so we split.
However, through the groups it made me see its not as unusual as people think it is.

[cakeymccakington]

you seem to have a massive issue with this anyfucker... why do you think that is?

[AnyFucker]

How do my posts indicate I have a "massive issue" ? I have been very circumspect and asked you plain and simple questions, just like everyone else. If you have a problem answering them, you only have to say.

[cakeymccakington]

and even if we assume I am lying and all I really wanted to do was get off on telling internet strangers about my sex life.... would that be a problem?

[AnyFucker]

If that were the case, you wouldn't be the first.

[cakeymccakington]

you have so far implied that:

my partner has co-erced me into this situation by threatening to leave me if i don't agree to it

that he had someone "waiting in the wings" ready

that he wouldn't be happy with me dating other people

that I have come here specifically to talk about my sex life because I think it's more "interesting" than anyone else's

that I shouldn't have assumed other people on MN would be in a poly relationship (why wouldn't they?)

so.... that. that's why i think you have an issue with it.

[cakeymccakington]

all I have done is answer people's questions. and quite frankly i don't need to justify myself to you

[AnyFucker]

You wanted to discuss it. Did you only want to see affirmative discussion ? You should have said so.

[FastLoris]

And of course:

It's not like people would (or do) normally talk openly about their sex lives on a board called "Relationships", is it?

[SolidGoldBrass]

It's always seemed to me that the set up the OP describes is the most logical solution to a libido mismatch. And there is no good reason for someone with a low libido to insist that his/her partner can't have other sexual partners. If you don't want to play with the toys, why are you hogging them?

[cakeymccakington]

i wanted to discuss it with people in the same situation.

i'm fine with answering questions, and no, they don't have to be affirmative at all. But I do not like being accused of getting off on sharing details of my relationships when all I have done is answered things people have asked.