anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

[SolidGoldBrass]

There really is something liberating for a woman in rejecting monogamy. Because we are conditioned to dread Losing Our Man To Another, women feel obliged to devote an awful lot of time and energy to pleasing the man and policing his behaviour - having unwanted sex to Keep Him Happy, indulging him in other ways, regarding other women as a threat rather than as potential friends and allies. Whereas when it's no big deal if a partner has other partners, you have so much more time, headspace, potential to do other stuff with your life. Which may include having a few more sexual partners of your own, or it may not.

People can happily commit to a co-parenting relationship without bothering about monogamy or even any further romantic connection after conception. Some people really have no interest in a romantic relationship but prefer to have sex with someone they like who also has other commitments and interests so won't be bothered on 'progressing' a relationship further than an enjoyable sexual encounter from time to time.

[126sticks]

But then it is merely about sex.

Loads of us want a whole heap more than that by a country mile.

[SolidGoldBrass]

And no one is stopping you from seeking the type of relationship you want, 126. If you haven't already got a partner with similar view on monogamy to yourself, you should be able to find one whenever you're ready. But the type of relationship you want is fine for you (and those who share your preference) - it just isn't in any way better than all the other possibilities which suit other people.

[EBearhug]

It doesn't have to be just about sex.

No one questions that you can love more than one friend or more than one child, so why does it seem impossible to some people to love more than one romantic partner? We are not all the same.

[TheVictorian]

A book was recommended by a friend: Polysexuality: When One Partner Isn't Enough: Discovering Your Polysexual Orientation by
Ed, Ph.d. Christian

[confuddledDOTcom]

It really bothers me that over and over on this thread people complain that it isn't the way they'd do it so it must be wrong.

My OH and I have had blazing rows over the right way to cook spag bol, at the end of the day we both make an edible dish although mine is better and commonly known as "Mummy's bestest ever in the whole wide world spaghetti bolognaise" that we can both eat. Different people do things differently to you and it works for them, it might not work in your life but it does in their's!

There aren't two of us who have the same life and I bet we could each look at each other's lives and say what wouldn't work for us.

[Meerka]

It bothers me a lot too. Especially when people say everyone should do it their way and their standards are higher.

Their way is only one among many and just doesn't suit many people, including large numbers of people in other cultures.

[barrytown]

SGB I don't know whether you recommended it but I'm sure you'll know the answer, who are the authors of The Ethical Slut edition recommended on here?
There are three different titles.

Thank you

[cakeymccakington]

www.bookdepository.co.uk/Ethical-Slut-Dossie-Easton/9781587613371?utm_source=SV-Body&utm_medium=email-Service&utm_term=The-Ethical-Slut_title&utm_content=order-details&utm_campaign=Order-dispatch

[126sticks]

Some people try to eat healthily to look after their bodies. Some choose not to.

This is the same sort of thing. Looking after your emotional well being. Your mind. Some people choose to do that, some dont.

[cakeymccakington]

Yes but while there are fairly clear healthy and less healthy foods I don't think you can say the same for what makes you emotionally healthy/secure.

What keeps you in good mental health may be very different from what keeps me in a good place mentally and emotionally.

There is no right and wrong when it comes to things like that

[EBearhug]

Some people try to eat healthily to look after their bodies. Some choose not to.

This is the same sort of thing. Looking after your emotional well being. Your mind. Some people choose to do that, some dont.

I agree with this, 126sticks. However, your earlier posts imply that for you, there's only one possible form of healthy diet.

Yes, it's important to eat a healthy diet. Yes it's important to have healthy relationships with good communication. For some people, a healthy diet might mean vegetarian. Others might be pescatarian. You might eat meat. But a particular form isn't automatically healthy - vegetarian could mean deep-fried cheese sticks every meal. It's how you practise your chosen form of diet which counts, and it's how you practise you chosen form of relationship. You don't have to do it the same way as everyone else, if that doesn't work for you.

[nkf]

I don't think something is necessarily right or a good thing just because it works for you. I remember once reading an account of a woman of how she "managed" her husband's tendency to be violent. Always noting where he'd put his car keys in case he couldn't find them and took it out on her. Watching his moods, knowing his trigger points. She'd worked it out well and the beatings were much less. Worked for her, she said.

That's an extreme example of course, but this it's all personal and all relative argument has flaws. I think there has to be some principles to guide behaviour and not just the moveable feast of "what works."

[cakeymccakington]

But in that case I would imagine she wasn't happy with the situation and would have preferred not to have to deal with it like that?

In my situation we are all happy with things right now. If that changes then I hope we can communicate that and figure it out without one person having to do things their unhappy with simply to hold it all together

[cakeymccakington]

They're*

Stupid phone.

[nkf]

You sound perfectly happy and fine to me. I was querying the idea that if you make it work, it's automatically okay. Probably, this hits a bit home to me because I tried to make pretty terrible things work for all sorts of reasons.

[SolidGoldBrass]

EBearhug: Excellent analogy!

[differentnameforthis]

Loads of us want a whole heap more than that by a country mile.

And you are free to choose that for yourself, 126. As the op is free to choose this for herself.

This is the same sort of thing. Looking after your emotional well being. Your mind. Some people choose to do that, some dont.

You are wrong & if you could have read the thread with an open mind, you would see that this is EXACTLY what the op appears to be doing.

nkf a violent relationship is not healthy at all & I don't think anyone would argue that it was, neither is spending your life trying to avert that violence, which can only be done for a certain amount of time, because if you remove one trigger, another will replace it.

I don't think you can compare a polygamous (which is a mutual choice) relationship to a violent one. They are poles apart.

[cakeymccakington]

well it's 3 months on. and the current guest post about polyamory reminded me to come back and update.
actually there isn't much to report other than it's all going well still. working our way towards various meetings of partners and comings out to friends. that bit is slightly scaring me

[Eekaman]

Good to know Cakey.

And glad to know you haven't been put off living your life the way you choose to by those on here with narrow views on life.

[SirRaymondClench]

Is your OH still seeing the same woman? Are you seeing anyone else?

[cakeymccakington]

Yes he's still seeing the same person. I have no desire for another partner :-)

[CavaSupernova]

I'm single but a poly relationship sounds like my idea of perfection.
I wouldn't want to even be co-habiting, if I'm honest. Years of sharing a household with a total pig when I was married probably has a lot to do with the latter, mind you :o

[GhettoFabulous]

I'm in a non-traditional relationship.

[cakeymccakington]

So nearly a year on from my initial post and I thought I'd update the thread.
everything is still going well, we are considering all moving in together, so if anyone who has experience of that has any advice it would be appreciated :-)

The relationship has evolved a lot over the last year and we are all a lot closer now. It's lovely!