anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

[cakeymccakington]

i live with my long term partner and our 3 children (and one on the way)
but he also spends time with another partner

[QueenAnneofAustria]

EyelinerQueen - you said what I think.

[HarderThanYouThink]

And what does his other partner think of you? Is she accepting? How long has this been going on?

[cakeymccakington]

it's all fairly new tbh! his other partner lives with her other partner. i believe she has had other poly relationships in the past

[cakeymccakington]

my dp lurks on mumsnet, so he may well spot this and give his side of things

[dollius]

So how does it work logistically?
When does he spend time with her?
How do they construct a proper "relationship" when each already has another partner.
And how do you really feel left at home, pregnant, with three children, while he is off having a partnership with someone else?

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Does her DP know she is with your DP?

[Viviennemary]

I suppose when people first think about it they will say shock horror. But I suppose historically speaking when people lived in tribes and so on it's surprising it doesn't happen more often.

[HarderThanYouThink]

Once you've given birth will you find another partner?

This would piss me off to be honest, i take it your not the jealous type?

[cakeymccakington]

yes her partner knows when she is with my partner.

it works well. he sees her when it's convenient for everyone involved. i feel fine about it. i get a nice night in doing whatever I like, and the whole bed to myself

[FastLoris]

My DW has a split personality. Does that count?

[cakeymccakington]

no, i have no desire (or energy) for another partner lol

it was really prompted by a mismatch in sexual desire between us (ie, he wanted more than I did), so I suggested that he find some elsewhere and it kind of evolved and it works very well for us.

in fact, i would say our relationship is better and stronger now than it was previously... you need to be very "together" to make it work I guess

[cakeymccakington]

i am not the jealous type in this situation no. she gives him something that I don't, and that's ok.

obv if we weren't both totally comfortable with it then it wouldn't be happening. and it's agreed from the outset that if I have an issue with it then it stops

[tribpot]

So how is what you're describing different from an open relationship, cakey? It sounds like you've suggested he find sex elsewhere, not necessarily love?

It doesn't sound like you're in a relationship with her, nor your DP with her DP. Is that really polyamory? (I'm only interested in the definitions, if all parties are happy with the arrangement it doesn't really matter to you).

[cakeymccakington]

ahh you don't all have to be in a relationship with each other. although you can be if you want. i think there are many variations on it..

this page probably explains it better than I can

[cakeymccakington]

my initial suggestion was that he found sex elsewhere, which would have just been a FB I suppose, but it kind of evolved into something else. I mean he's happy to just go and spend time with her, it doesn't have to be sex.

[FastLoris]

God, I wonder how much happier the human race could be if more people were this relaxed about sex, could deal with mismatches in libido in such pragmatic terms, and didn't feel compelled to interpret them as "signifying" things that need to be "fixed".

Good for you, OP.

[chattychattyboomba]

I would be worried that, the more he saw in her, the less he would see in me. Perhaps that sounds insecure but it's quite common when people say they have fallen out of love with their spouse, that it is because they have put all that love somewhere else. I would find it hard to grasp that you can love separate people in equal measure, unless they are your children of course (which is a different type if love by which there is an abundance!)
Sex on the other hand is a different story. Sex can be detached. Spending time with someone and enjoying their company over your real partner. Ouch. That would hurt me.

[cakeymccakington]

i guess i don't view it as him enjoying her company over mine, it's a different company. just like i enjoy spending time with other friends and doing fun activities with them.

i'd say we fall into this kind of category:

"The individual relationships within a polyamorous group may be very complex, as well. In many cases, there may be one "primary" couple--a husband and wife, for example. Either or both of those people may have outside lovers, but those relationships are "secondary" in the sense that they involve less involvement in the partners' day-to-day lives than, say, a marriage does."

and I think that if you are both unhappy in a relationship, which to a certain extent we both were, then you run the risk of that relationship ending anyway... this has solved the problem we were having and enabled us to enjoy each other more.

[eddielizzard]

i can see that it solves a lot of problems when appetites are mis-matched. have you met her and do you spend time with her?

[EirikurNoromaour]

I guess if you've lost interest in sex then it may seem easier for your partner to have sex elsewhere. However, I'm very interested in sex and I'd hate for a partner of mine to be having sex with someone else. Yuk.

[cakeymccakington]

Nope I haven't met her although that's not because any of us are particularly against that idea, it just hasn't happened yet.

Interestingly, on the sex front, my partner and I have had more than normal since starting out on this. Poss because I'm feeling now relaxed and less pressured about it all

[laregina]

This whole subject fascinates me TBH - I just don't get how you wouldn't get eaten up with jealousy when you know your partner is basically off shagging someone else.

The moment I was happy at the thought of that happening would be the moment I realised my feelings for my H we're dead in the water.

Do you honestly not feel jealous at all OP?

[EverythingCounts]

Pottering if you feel like sharing anything from your thesis, I bet it would be really interesting.

I'm also not in this type of relationship but don't see any problem with discussing it.

[cakeymccakington]

And thankyou fastloris I concur!
I got dp to read your reply too because I liked it