Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

I agree - he can insist away - you do not have to comply. Your best most powerful weapon is silence. Get a cheap payg phone and give him that number, say the old one is gone. Only have it switched on when he has the children.

My ex tried to emotionally blackmail my daughter into seeing him too - it failed.

Sounds like he is following the script like many other twatty cheaters

Best thing you can do is tell yourself YOU are in charge of your life and he is not the boss of you.

He made his choice by fucking someone else, you make yours now by sorting out maintenance and access - should he have time to go to work and bother with his kids.

When you love someone you can't just stop like a switch has been flicked in most cases. It can a very long time to get over someone and stop loving them and I would just acknowledge you love the man you thought you were married too but this one is a stranger and how you feel about him is just something that is there at the moment.

Don't let him in the house. Don't let him talk bollocks about loving you. He is pissed off as you were supposed to ignore and forgive the cheating, when you didn't he made threats, not he has to try and reel you in again and when that doesn't work he might has well be with the OW. Be prepared for YOU pushing HIM towards the OW and how you gave him no choice. Twat. If he really was sorry and loves you he would be getting his own place, keeping it in his pants and working all hours to support his wife and kids.

BTW You don't have to be friends - more controlling attempts - you just have to be civil in front of the children.

Invent an appointment and go and get your son! He is being USED by your ex and his mother. They don't care about him. They just want to upset and control you. Don't let them.

" If I'd put it all behind me he would be back "

OMG what a shit. He really thinks he is above you, doesn't he.

Don't let your four year old go to MIL. She isn't entitled to access and of course kids are going to choose to go somewhere they will be spoilt. It is your responsibility to protect them from abusive situation. They are in one where their father and grandmother is treating them like pawns.

Hello onmyown. There is lots of good advice here and parallels with my experience. I had all the "lets be friends for the dc's sake etc" but it really translated into "I want to have my cake and eat it". My ex wanted me living around the corner from him in a house I couldn't afford with minimal fiancial support from him. He thought it would be great because he could pop in and see the dcs when he wanted and they could see him they wanted. When I took control and said no, I was unreasonable, nasty, destroying his relationship with the dcs etc. Unbelievable given he left to be with ow.

Every now and then he still petulantly declares I am a terrible mother who doesn't deserve her children. All evidence points to the opposite so I just laugh it off.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt that the man I married and loved until months after he walked out can think that of me. But I know it is a childish response to taking the control away from him. And for not ever letting him of the hook by saying what he did was ok.

Thankfully I didn't have to factor manipulative in-laws. I think what I would do in your situation is set some very clear boundaries about when he has the children and when you have them and insist that he makes arrangements for his parents to see them during his time with them. If the timing doesn't work for them your mil must ask you and you decide the terms on which they do it - ie all 4 kids for no more than a day.

And try not to let their attempts to manipulate the kids get to you. Remind your children constantly that you love them but don't be afraid to set boundaries and say no. Easier said than done with 12 year old boys, I know... but children will always prefer to be where they feel safest and most loved, where there is no condition to giving and receiving love. In my experience children feel uncomfortable with the "love me more and I'll give you sweets/xbox/a pony / whatever" routine. Carry on being the best parent you can be with no strings and you'll be fine.

Stay strong lovey - decide how YOU want to live, what YOU want your family life to be like then tell him how its going to be. Don't let him play to the "you're not nice card". I know how hard that is. My exh still has the ability to make me feel very guilty for moving 30 miles away. But then I just look at at my happy settled kids who are doing well at school and have loads of friends and I remember what at fuckwit he is.

so is your ex. Hang in there.

Thanks so much for all your posts and support. It's making me stronger. Yesterday he had a self pitying rant about how I'd end up marrying someone else and they'd have his wife. He spouts so much rubbish. I could probably have got part the affair if he hadn't tried to keep us both going. It's so hard not to let my view of him get in the way of his relationship with the children. Sometimes I feel really positive and as if he's done me a favour. Then I go to the other extreme and believe I drove him away by not putting him to the top of my priorities

his affair is his fault - it is nothing to do with anything you had done. If he felt neglected or unhappy he should have spoken to you, gone to counselling. Instead he made the arbitrary decision to seek out someone else. He gave himself permission to do this and now tries to blame you. He is a narcissist. Sorry, but you need to toughen up. It is so very very hard, you just want your life back and you need to grieve. But you can and will get through and emerge a stronger happier person.

So, you going to get a PAYG sim and a cheapy handset and give him a new number for minimal contact only. And if he spouts any more drivel please do not reply. Ever.

Listen to lavender. Wish you'd been around 4 years ago. Exactly the advice I could have done with then, lavendar. Take it onmyown. X

You have to allow time for all this to pass - it takes a couple of years in my experience. Try not to get sucked into the drama remain calm and even tempered on the surface whilst having private strongholds to scream in! I am years beyond this now, my children live with me but have their own relationship with their dad and his family. They have stability and security with me, it has not been easy and my life has been about work and little else but I am optimistic I will find a better balance in the future. Yu have to pace yourself

Thanks lavender will take your advice. I'm thinking if moving nearer my mum and family. I could relocate my work there. Property is cheaper. It would mean a massive fight with him. He says I can't move kids away. It would also mean leaving a network of my lovely friends but I think getting some distance might be the only way. Not sure if it would be unfair to up route kids though. Bit torn

"they'd have his wife."

.

I think I was right all along. He really does think you are his possession.

I wish I had followed my own advice 2 years ago too! hindsight is a wonderful thing. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. I think a move would be fab with a greater support network too. I only coped by having fabulous friends and reading lots here really. The kindness and patience of folk is what gets you through more than anything. I redecorated and refurnished the whole house too - def helped. A new home would have been even better I think. Your kids would thrive am sure. Stop guilt tripping yourself - none of this is your fault, your reactions are totally understandable.

Once a man cheats on his wife and devastates his children he no longer has any right to make any demands.

I would move. A support net work with your parents where you can afford things easier, and still work, is much better than staying in a situation where you are reliant on an unreliable father.

Take your time re moving and weigh it all up. If you think you can give your dcs a better life by moving away then go for it. I did it and don't regret it although I had to go through weeks/months of agony and self doubt. My advice would be to make sure you are doing it for positive reasons rather than running away.

Have read the whole post and I am in the same position. Husband having an affair, says he still loves me but runs straight back to her. Puts his hotel and restaurant expenses with her on our family joint account (despite having his own account), blames me for the affair. Wants to be friends. I have four children between 11 and 4 years too Onmyownwith4kids, we are having to move back to the UK in the summer without him (been living abroad for four years).

He has not found himself anywhere else to live so sleeps here on the sofa some days, and is living out of two holdalls and a paper bag of basic food in the back of his car. Apparently it was "unfair and unreasonable" of me to ask him to leave and he emailed last week to say he "never intended to, and does not intend to leave the family home in the future".

It's been like this for a few months since he moved out to "clear his head" (although this translated to i "kicked him out" when he spoke to his mother). Money is not an issue for him, he's just too tight fisted. Meanwhile OW is still living in her house, being wined and dined by him but has not given up anything as much as he has.

They are welcome to each other. But I am still at the stage of struggling to let go.
Useful advice on this post.
Good luck Onmyownwith4kids

Palepowder I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I agree with your philosophy that they're welcome to each other but sometimes it's hard not to see this as a competition I've lost. My husband's girlfriend wants marriage and children. I find it hard to understand why you'd want that with someone who's already proved they can abandon one family. My husband keeps saying if you can't keep this amicable then that's up to you but we've got too much shared history not to be friends. What he fails to see is that a lot of that shared history is now me being cheated on and lied to. Hope your move goes well. I think that's key to moving on. Trying to sell the house at the moment and think once I can buy my own home without the memories it will be a big leap forward. The husband who used to constantly say he was so glad he married me claimed he'd been unhappy for years. When I asked why he brought extra children into such a terrible marriage he said it wasn't his fault as the last one was unplanned

Why are these men are such walking clichés? I thought my ex's behaviour was so unreasonable there couldn't be any more like him - turns out there are many self centred narcissistic selfish irresponsible wankers out there.

Keep going onmyown and palepowder. Walk tall and proud as you walk away. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Palepowder - you mustn't let him sleep on your sofa - he is taking you for a ride, what an utter twat. It is totally fair to expect him to leave - you are no longer together. You aren't running a hotel for his convenience.

Onmyown - they rewrite history. My ex told me how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, days before he left for someone else. He has just had a child with the OW- another poor kid for him to abandon and screw up in later years. I pity the child. He has split up from her so many times already - and has admitted his life with her is doomed and awful. Tough luck really.

It's good to come on here and read everyones experiences. At least I know what I can expect from him over the coming months - men in his situation seem to all follow the same cliched pattern! I will prepare myself.

Not sure how I get him off my sofa, he maintains he has every right to be there as he pays the rent here. I think it's very confusing for the children. He told them we would be moving back to the UK at the weekend but refused to say he would not be coming with us. I guess that'll be up to me. Along with everything else.

He sobbed all weekend though so at least (at last) he has finally realised what he has given up.

Yes ladies, let's all keep strong.

Lavender how awful for the child..they can't cope with one family so they go on to create another. MJy husband is nearly 40, he is in debt and not a high earner. I've always been the main wage earner..He can't support the family he's got and I will get next to no maintenance. How with this in mind he can be busy planning weddings and vasectomy reversals with his young lover I do not know. It's more of a traincrash waiting to happen..Why can he not see it..i went back to work when my babies were 3 months old and have worked so hard juggling work and children..I can't see her being prepared to do that..If he thinks I was demanding and controlling I think he's going to have a rude awakening. I'm in such a difficult position..the house won't sell and struggling financially with all the legal bills. I rely on him for childcare, he's off work with depression at the moment so is around to do it and I can't afford to pay anyone. He's proving unreliable as it is as he says he needs to attend important appointments so can't always have them (gym being last important meeting)..Every time he arrives I try to be brisk and efficient and waltz straight out and he gets angry saying we have to be friends. He's just had a right go at me saying I'm angry and unpleasant and I will not dicate to him who he is friends with. If he wants to be my friend he will be as I'm not in charge. He says I have to forget all he's done and move on. But I don't want to be friends with a lying cheater..especially as his "friendship" involves slobbering all over me and trying to sleep with me. If I could sell the house I can try and get somewhere I can have an au pair but I am so trapped at the moment and having to put up with this constant emotional battering. I don't understand him..why is it so important to be my friend..Is it better for the children? Am I being unfair? I just want to be civil but brisk and believe it or not despite all this I still love him. I don't want him back, I know the marriage is over but that has not made the feelings go away so I go into work every day in emotional turmoil..Sorry to hear you've been through this kind of thing onedayatatime..I too thought my husband was unique in his appalling behaviour

Onmyown - it's not a competition. to win or lose a competition you have to enter it. You refused to do so by not letting him come crawling back after (during) hs affair!!!
Please try and stay strong, you have done amazingly well so far and ultimately you will be glad this arsehole showed his true colours so you could get rid of him

my advice would be to not let him over the threshold again - and make alternative arrangements for childcare. Put in a claim for child maintenance - who cares about his debt, not your problem.

and drop the house price if it means you get away - some things are worth so much more than money.

PS Palepowder there has been a lot of sobbing from my husband as well but they're not crying for what they've put us through..utterly pitiful tears of self pity

we've got too much shared history not to be friends

That's up to you, surely. You're not actually obliged to be friends with him (which in any case is solely designed to keep up appearances that he is this swell guy that everyone adores).

If a friend had betrayed you deeply, you would probably want nothing further to do with that person. Why should he be any different?

He wants to be friends because he wants to be told his behaviour is ok. It is not good for your children to remain involved in a relationship that makes you unhappy. And thanks for your kind words onmyown. Just to let you know I am now really happy , living near my family and have met a wonderful man, who is very different - thankfully they are not all the same. We are buying a house and planning a wedding. Life really will get better.

Onedayatatime that's just raised my spirits..I'm so glad you've found happiness at the end of all this. Good luck with the wedding and house buying