Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

Don't believe all his propaganda he is spouting. Of course he has to attempt to convince the world his new life is all happy and rosy. Otherwise he would have thrown 14 years away for what? Nothing. And that is what he has done and he flipping well knows it. If he were really that happy he wouldn't need to go round trying to convince himself that he has made the right choice. It won't last, it never does. And you are worth so much more than him.

Chunderella - LOL! :-)

Listen to Lavenderer, she knows her stuff. Everything she says is right too. Also, while we're at it, my husband is going down the "not taking on any more work" route and being paid an "allowance" by the OW (twat), so I do wonder if he's thinking along the same route as yours. It won't work though. It just makes him look like a totally irresponsible wanker. Excuse my language on a Sunday morning, but this does really wind me up!!

Lavender...good God, spelling shocking this morning, too much wine last night I think!

i wouldn't worry one jot about him parading his mistress in front of other people. they will make polite noises and comments to your xh's face but behind closed doors they will think he is a massive cockheaded bollockchops who is making a massive fool of himself.

Listen, you have kicked him to touch because he was messing around like an overgrown toddler.

He's made it quite clear it's you he wants back, but you have more self-respect than that and have told him where to go.

Now he is quite simply making do with her as second best because she's all he has and he is far too pathetic to ever be on his own like a mature adult.

All this you know, it doesn't matter that he will henceforth lie about it until he is blue in the face and pretend his ow is the best thing since sliced bread. You KNOW what really happened and can practise a smug, knowing smile as you walk serenely towards your new and fabulous life.

Poor bloke eh? Totally fucked!

Has a fling. Regrets it - grass is very much not greener alas, but too late now. Bugger. Tries to get you back. But even the ace card - 'I'll take the kids!' doesn't work, because you're neither desperate not thick (sadly, unlike his new lady love, it seems...)

No choice but to brazen it out. Translated into toddler speak - 'Don't care! Don't WANT the lovely chocolate cake anyway! Prefer the dry biscuit that I picked up by mistake, yes I do! Ner ner!'

Why on EARTH are you feeling bad about this? You KNOW that all the 'she's soooo much better' is a LIE- you know it for the best of all reasons- he wanted YOU, but you quite rightly decided he's not good enough. Pretending he's got what he wanted is his only face-saving option... but his cheeks are burning right now underneath as no matter what he says, he showed his hand to you- he knows you know he'd have come back if you'd let him.

So next time you see him, just grin. 'So glad my turning you down seems to have, errr, renewed your feelings for your lovely new partner. I think it's great that you can make the best of a bad job, eh? Good luck with it all, especially patching things up with the kids.'

Hi Op

Just wanted to add that the propaganda your ex is now spouting is only believable in his and her eyes, people who have half a brain have a habit of seeing through this crap and will see him for what a twat he is.

I too had all this, 14yrs later word still comes to me when meeting people who I have not seen for a few years of what an arrogant pig they thought my ex was.

Also the ex's wife has cried to my teenage son at times when he's smashing the place up and shouting at their kids, please don't tell your mum. My son said mum warned me not to confront or provoke him when he's had a drink, she said yes she is right.

I did try and warn her when I found out about them, but money and holidays and presents won her round, but there's always a price to pay eventually.

You will be ok op, he did you a favour in the future she might not see it that way anymore, remember marrying the mistress leaves a vacancy.

Thanks so much for all these comments. It really helps. He's gone off for the weekend with her and has introduced her to his family. She is utterly besotted with him and I know it's pathetic but I feel she's won. They're on a romantic break and I'm dealing with bickering children. I feel like the loser even though my head tells me he is

Your kids are a far greater prize and they know you love them and are there for them. In 20 years' time, that is what will matter. Stay strong

About to head off with the children to one of those large cavernous places filled with small children screaming loudly and throwing plastic balls at one another. Doesn't seem fair that love's young dream will be strolling off along the beach together for a romantic afternoon telling one another how magnificent they are. I know he's the guilty partner but what does a 26 year old see in a 40 year old married man who has 4 children . Why are these women prepared to sell themselves short. I've been clinging on because I have years of shared history and a family with him but if I'd met someone like him in my 20s I'd not have touched with a bargepole

She hasn't won. Neither has he.

Fast forward a few years - you'll be the one at the top table of their wedding. You'll be the one they call when their baby is born. You'll be the one they are visiting.

Where will he be? Probably wondering what happened to his life and not even remembering what his children look like.

She hasn't won any prize. Right now it is all new and fresh and wonderful. When reality sets in, things will change fast. By that time, you will have moved on and life will be good again.

Onmyown....I SO understand how you feel, I feel the same, you feel like they're "getting away with it"...but they're not...there are ALWAYS consequences. The realilty of her having to look after 4 kids every other weekend or whatever will soon wear thin, believe me. You say she is 26, I am sure it's all fun now. He's 40 and having an ego massage. Ridiculous.

You're right. I think she has this image of having kids as skipping joyfully round theme parks. The reality very different. There's been a biting incident tonight and all the drama and crying that went with it. Suspect their little fantasy world will soon come crashing down when they're dealing with this kind of reality. I wish the sadness would go though. I feel like my future has been taken away. I've got to live a life I never planned because of their affair.

Onmyown....I feel the same, you feel that they have ruined the memories of your past, and all the time and love you invested in that relationship. It's awful being at this stage in your life and wondering what the hell you're going to do next, I am 44, I never thought I would end up in a position like this, let alone with a 3 year old child he begged me to have. The sadness will go, some days are better than others, I just keep reminding myself what an utter tosser my husband is and what a mess he's got himself into. You need to plan a new life, as I am doing, and you will, it's just time...xx

Your future hasn't been taken away. It can't be when you have more than one. You still have you life and future, it is just different to what you expected. Now you need to decide your new one.

Itsfab...that is so true, just a different future and actually the bonus is that it is all in your own hands...you can make all the choices! I know (believe me I know) how hard it is to imagine, but baby steps, little plans, one day at a time, and it starts, just starts to fall into place...:-) x

You're right I hope it

I hope it's a better future but seems so bleak at the moment. Exhausted after weekend with 4 kids on my own. Working next week and he was supposed to do some of the childcare but he's suddenly too busy so rushing round trying to get that sorted. Hope you're ok mrsc. Sounds like you've had a nightmare xx

I'd be keeping a record of times that you have offered or asked for help/him to have times with the children, and he has turned it down or changed his mind and let you down.

I'm no expert in this field but in other areas diaries like these can be very helpful evidence in portraying an ongoing type of behaviour.

So he wanted full custody once you wouldn't tolerate his shagging around but now he has more important things to do..?

What a twat.

Itsfab...an achingly familiar theme it seems! Twat indeed.