Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

[fideline]

"Hope this is the beginning of a better life."

It will be, once you get the initial nonsense over and done with.

In many ways, it is actually a much easier life as a single parent (fewer demands on you, unilateral decision making etc) particularly when the man you have jettisoned is such an energy draining twunt.

Good luck with the legal stuff

[LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName]

Pmsl at it all being hoe fault why don't people take responsibility for tgeir actions?

He won't get much time to build his relationship with. 4 kids in the house, and before you get too worried does she even want such a large ready made family?

[Covalone78]

Change the locks
Inform him he is no longer welcome at your house
Get legal advice
Stay strong

You are absolutely in the right and everything he did contributed to his ailments.

[onedayatatimeLondon]

You are doing brilliantly omow4k. Well done. Do not let him make you feel guilty for him destroying your marriage. My ex still does that. It makes me laugh now. I am glad you have lovely friends. Do talk to them. When me ex walked out on us I posted on mn and got some great advice. But one post said I should makes sure I talk to my rl friends. It was great advice. Don't worry about them being married - it won't stop them being there for you. I told everyone I knew what was happening and I found that I had some extraordinarily kind friends. Most importantly I felt loved and supported at a time I most needed it. Don't be afraid to let people know what is going on - you will be amazed at what comes back to you.

good luck with everything. You will have sleepless nights and moments of self doubt but be strong and look after yourself - for you and your dc who are lucky to have a mum as sorted as you
x

[Onmyownwith4kids]

It's really hard when after a night of no sleep worrying I know he'll still be lazing around in bed. While I do school run. He always slept through it anyway but just feel so alone and exhausted this morning. Is it possible to rebuild a life that isn't permanent exhaustion as a single parent

[mummytime]

Gosh he's added to the script! So its all your fault because you made him go to her by kicking him out when he'd already been shagging her ? That is priceless. Make a note of that, one day you will see it as hilarious.

Do you have a solicitor? Get legal advice.

Do not have contact with him. He doesn't come into the house any more. He takes the children from the gate.
Arrange one way he can contact you about the children and refuse to engage any other way.

Encourage your children to see him, let them know its fine to still love him, he will always be their Dad.

You will get through this, just don't let him make you feel guilty.

[Logg1e]

OP Is it possible to rebuild a life that isn't permanent exhaustion as a single parent

When's he having the children next?

[maleview70]

By saying this, he has shown his weakness. His children and the loss of them. I would exploit that situation if I were in your shoes. Tell him you have been to see a solicitor, that the Solicitor is almost certain your will prevail and if he doesn't back off with these threats then you may have to move away to start a new life. That might well shit him up enough to stop behaving like a dick.

My exw threatened to move away to be with her OM when we split up. I threatened her with a full custody battle if she tried and as I looked after our child most of the time he was out of school and at weekend due to her work, I would have had a good claim. She backed down, and when she did, so
Did I. You have to take control back.

When someone is acting like a twat, you have to fight fire with fire. No good trying to be a good person in these situations.

[fideline]

"Is it possible to rebuild a life that isn't permanent exhaustion as a single parent"

Absolutely. I did it and it was great.

Your current exhaustion is probably largely a manifestation of stress. It won't be permenant, honestly. Nutrition, hydration, relaxation is what you need to keep going through the tough bit. I know the last one is hard, but the first two are under your control.

I'll bet anything you can name that by this time next year you will feel ten times better.

[onedayatatimeLondon]

Yes it is possible to rebuild your life. Just take each day as it comes. Don't be hard on yourself. when I couldn't sleep I used to write down everything I felt and then I started writing down what I wanted my life to be like when I stopped feeling so exhausted and broken by it all. It sounds like a cliché I know. But I found some of those notes recently and read through them. Although they were sad and made me cringe in places I realised how much of my life now matches what I wanted it to be.

It is incredibly hard to stay positive at this time - I know. But I was absolutely driven by the mantra that I did not want my fuckwit of an ex to dictate how my life was going to be. So I refused to let him. It has also had the added bonus of really pissing him off that I am so sorted.

And to go back to your original post it meant that his threats to take the dcs can never be realised because there are no grounds to do so. My dcs have positively said they want to live with me - they love their dad and have a lot of contact. But home for them is with mum.

I am probably being really annoying by saying keep positive when it is the last thing you feel. And don't beat yourself up if you are full of anger and bitterness or just sheer saddness. I promise you I had those days too. I just refused to let that become who I was.

hope you don't have to work after the school run. Do something you want to do today. Put yourself first for once

x

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Thanks oneday that's such wise advice. Work have given me 2 days off to sort everything out. Ironic I've seen the worst side of him and everyone else has been lovely. Off to see the solicitor. So incredibly sad it's come to this but it helps to know there might be a better life out there x

[onedayatatimeLondon]

Good luck today and keep reminding yourself that he is horrible and that is why it is good you are moving on x

[hellsbellsmelons]

I see - so it's your fault that he put is cock in someone else!
Wow, what a knob.
Hope the solicitors goes well.
And don't worry. No way does want his 4 kids in tow 24/7.
Unless of course she's gonna do all the looking after while he does sweet FA as usual!

[Onmyownwith4kids]

All done. Solicitor says he doesn't have a leg to stand on and he can't swan off for months then decide he's having them full time. Huge relief. Now wondering what to tell the children. Should I be honest about why we're divorcing before my husband portrays me as the evil one who threw his father out. He knows his dad had a girlfriend. He found the sordid texts on his iPod. Do I tell the truth that he never gave her up and carried on seeing her behind my back. Or is that too upsetting to hear the this dad has lied like that.

[Lweji]

I think you should tell the truth, but as a fact rather than with anger.

You can also mention that what he did was to you, not to them, and that he still loves them and so on.
They will realise what he is like soon enough. So, don't defend him too much nor attack him.

[hamptoncourt]

Also OP, if STBXH did follow through and give up his job, the court would take an extremely dim view of it and he would probably forfeit his right to any money from the house as a result. That happened to a bloke I knew who thought he was being "clever" by jacking in his well paid job when his long suffering wife divorced him.

As far as the DC go, no, you actually cannot dictate who he introduces them to. Sorry. I think you will have to rely on the fact that the DC are telling him they do not wish to meet OW. If he goes ahead anyway then there is little you can do. It will all be on his head if they decide to reduce/cut contact with him as a result though.

It is unlikely he will even go for 50/50 as I am sure it will inconvenience him too much. Just hold your nerve and take one day at a time.

Good luck.

[onedayatatimeLondon]

Glad the solicitor put your mind at rest and you can put that worry to one side. As for what to tell your children, I'd advise you to tell them as much truth as you think they can cope with. My experience of observing my own dcs and stepson (dss in mnspeak?) Is that they their experience of a family split makes them very aware of bullshit. Remember it not just you that your ex has lied to but also the dcs ans they know it.

However it is tricky because they do have a relationship with their dad which will, hopefully for their sake, continue to be loving. So you really do need to somehow to pull off being honest without seeking to anialate him in their eyes.

Every situation is different and I dont know you or your kids. Don't know if it helps but this is what I did:

1. Whatever else I said or did I repeatedly told them their dad loved them as much as I did
   
2. I did not tell them about the ow to start with and insisted that we did not until I met her.Although it was painful I needed to look her in the eye and for to l ow who I was. For good or ill she was going to be part of my kids life. I wanted the kids to see I was fine about her before they met her.
   
3. This meant that the children didn't find out about her for about 6 months because they were terrified of meeting me. The meeting was awful but I was well behaved. I know she felt worse than I did!
   

4.At no point during the 6 months they didn't know about her did I pretend to the kids that their dad was coming back. I used the time to establish a routine for seeing their dad away from the house or me.

1. I encouraged them to talk and ask me questions. My ds reacted very badly when he went and generally finds it difficult to deal with his emotions and became quite physical so I got some support from CAMhs via my gp which helped the three of us.
   

When my ex and I sat down and told the dcs together about daddies gf my dd looked him in the eye and said you left because you had a an affair then. Very astute at 7 years old. How he squirmed!!

hope this helps give you something to think about or ignore if not applicable to you.

Hope you sleep better tonight x

[Animation]

"so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?"

Yes I should imagine that gets to you - him being so unethical and heartless at the same time. It's like he doesn't understand the impact of the harm he's done already - without inflicting more! Totally bewildering I should imagine. He's not right is he!! You just take care of yourself - you must drained and weary I expect.

[MrsC1969HJ]

I really feel for you, I am currently being threatened with the same. The "joyful and playful" comment made me laugh though. What is wrong with them? My STBXH said that he needed more "kisses and cuddles and being greeted nicely when he walked through the door"...WTF?! GROW UP! My STBXH is also not "taking on any more work" as the OW gives him pocket money so he only has to work 1 day a week. No self respect whatsoever. You will not lose your kids to this dick. You're doing an amazing job in the face of adversity!

[whitesugar]

You are not a failure and his girlfriend does not want full custody of 4 DC. I would advise you to keep a log of the times he sees the DC and record the times he is too busy to see the children. If you have documented this information he will not be able to claim that he is the main carer. I would also record details of any money he is currently paying for the DC and when/if he fails to pay. I found out to my detriment that this information could come in very handy. I admire you a lot. You work fulltime, rear the DC and keep putting one foot in front of the other whilst listening to the crap that you are responsible for his affair. You don't even have the luxury of having a breakdown.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Have been having a bit of a wobble this weekend. Become obsessed with his girlfriend and what she has that I don 't. Sounds a bit like mrsc, kisses and cuddles and ego massage. Quite depressing to see how many poor women are having to deal with these pathetic needy specimens

[MrsC1969HJ]

Me too onmyown...I also get a bit obsessed at times, it's hard not to when you are put under such strain. They really are pathetic and by posting on here, I have discovered that I am really not alone in all this and the pattern is very much the same. My husband has shocked me to the core, I literally cannot believe what he has done to us, much the same as you feel I guess, his OW was only widowed 6 months when they started their affair. I hope, if nothing else, karma gives them everything they deserve. When you have a wobble, post post post...everybody will help pick you up. I am nearly 6 months down the line now and am much stronger than I was and you will be too. It doesn't mean you won't have your rough days though, you're human after all!! Keep going chick, you're doing a fine job :-) x

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Thanks mrsc. I've read your thread and can't believe what you're going through although my husband has been just as bad. Feel sick with anxiety today. Now he knows I won't take him back my husband is out in the open with his affair partner. Telling everyone how wonderful she is and making me feel I was lacking in something. I am so low today torturing myself with how worthless I am that he can just throw 14 years away for a newer model. Can't imagine getting back a normal life without this weight of sadness that makes me feel physically sick x

[MrsC1969HJ]

Well that just shows him up for what he is...and she will always know she's second best won't she?! Of course he's going to be doing that, saying how great everything is, he has to, it's justification for him isn't it? You are NOT worthless, you are doing an amazing job looking after 4 children on your own. He has thrown away 14 years, the same as my husband. My husband keeps telling me that the OW has given him more love in the last 5 months than I have in 14 years, it's nonsense, he knows it, but it makes him feel better. The picture he's painted isn't as rosy as he'd like me to believe though! That will be the same for your H. Have you sought some counselling yet? Help from GP? If not, you must, it will help no end. You will get through this, we will get through this. Also, remember to maintain radio silence at all times, unless blunt correspondence related to kids. It will drive him mad not knowing what you're doing! x