Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

Yes, if you are friends that gives him permission to believe you are fine with him cheating on you.

Thanks. Good luck to you too. I know everything will be feeling so uncertain and messy and you will be furious at having to change your life so drastically but if you keep focused on what you want for yourself and your children you will be ok. From what I've read you are doing brilliantly.

I'm so cross about how horrible he was to me earlier how he's trying to accuse me of being bitter and unreasonable that I've written it down..Should I send this to him?

Just trying to explain my thoughts earlier..if youd ended our marriage with decency and integrity and told me your issues before you started an affair and ended the marriage without cheating we could have been friends.

There was even hope when you said youd made a mistake and tried to come back but what you did was played me for a fool again and went trotting backwards and forwards between me and her.

You keep telling me you love me and miss me. You do not treat someone you love with such astonishing disrespect

Youve put me through a year and a half of cruel mental torture..that is not the action of a friend. Friends are you on your side. Friends care about you, friends are there for you through thick and thin. Friends dont lie to you, friends dont blame you for their wrong actions, friends dont accuse you of being mentally ill when you ask for the truth.

We can be effective co parents. We can be civil in front of the children but you must see that your actions over the last 18 months have been so far removed from friendship that youve wiped out the whole fourteen years of friendship.

Nobody drives anyone to an affair..How ever many issues you had with me you made a conscious choice to lie to me, to deceive me and to manipulate me. Youve destroyed any friendship, youve pissed all over years of shared history and a family built. You must see this. Im struggling to undo the bonds, to stop loving you and to recognise you for who you actually are. Youre not the man I married or thought I married. I would be horrified if our daughter married someone who treated her like you have treated me. Id be horrified if our sons treated any partner as youve treated me. I would encourage them to walk away from anyone who had been so cruel and inflicted such deep emotional pain.

If you want to redeem anything from this youll sign the divorce paperwork, move yourself quietly from my life and accept that you have destroyed any friendship we had. Please dont make this situation any worse by dragging out the divorce. Im not going to be like you mother. I will not be bitterly banging on about what a terrible man you are to anybody who will listen in 30 years time. I will be polite and civil to you at any events we have to attend with the children but please accept that what youve done to me has destroyed any friendship.. Im not being bitter, Im terribly, terribly sad about this, there were things about you that I could have used as justification for an affair. No marriage is perfect especially one where children are young, money is tight and jobs are being juggled. You worked long shifts, didnt come on holidays, were never around at weekends..Its very difficult in those circumustances to maintain an in love feeling but for me our family, thoughts of the future we were building, thoughts of watching the children wed brought into the world together grow and achieve things and share the pride in that meant more than anything. I loved you. Ive stood by you through some difficult times, times which I could have used to have justified seeking someone better but I never did. Nobody can ever replace what we built together. I have to accept a future of divided Christmases, weddings where our children have not seen their parents stick together through thick and thin (which is what marriage was to me) Its hard to be friends with someone whos taken away my dreams and plans for the future. Please understand that and stop blaming me for being in any way bitter

Its a great note. Do send it because it sets out your feelings and wishes so clearly and rationally and is not bitter, just sad. However do be prepared for him to totally ignore it and act like you have never spoken. Or be like my ex who when I wrote to him in a similar way said I was "attacking him with words". Maybe that is what it feels like when someone is telling you something you dont want to hear, but it didnt get us anywhere. The kids and I have moved on and we are doing well. He however is stuck on bitter and angry, unable to move forward with his life. In the end you have to do what is right for you, not him

I wouldn't. Why should he get an explanation of how you feel deep inside? He doesn't warrant any of your innermost thoughts. You don't owe him reasons for anything.

The only bit I would send is the line about being co-parents. That is all he is to you now - someone who occasionally parents your children.

I wouldn't put out my feelings like that and just write:

We can be effective co parents. We can be civil, particularly in front of the children. But your actions have made it impossible for me to be friends with you.
For the sake of the children, it will be best if we divorce amicably and quickly. We will end up divorced anyway, you should have no doubt that I want to divorce you and there is no going back. If you sign the divorce papers now, you will only save the whole family money and heart ache.

I think it's a great note but I'd probably cut the last paragraph in half ending on terribly sad about this because while the rest is no doubt true I think it will send him so defensive that he won't think properly about any of it.

Of course he will ignore it any way, so you have to prepare yourself for that otherwise it will make you feel worse again. There's about a 5% chance he will read it, digest it, and be nicer.

I wouldn't send it at all - you are giving him your feelings on a plate and inviting a response and an ongoing dialogue. He isn't going to read and acknowledge anything

Oh you poor thing, what a day. I have just had a chance to catch up on the thread. I agree with every bit of advice here, as it has all been levelled at me too and is absolutely true and as pertinent to my situation as it is to yours. I have also had all the "we must be friends", "you're a dreadful mother" oh it goes on blah blah. They do indeed repeat a universal pattern, how sad is that?! I think your letter is lovely and says how you feel, but one word of advice from me...I have lost count of the amount of missives I have written like this, very many. Got me absolutely nowhere except more "it's your fault", "you only have yourself to blame" and the final insult from the OW "we are so bored of your pitiful bleating". That hurt. Really hurt. Don't put yourself in the firing line. Burn it. I really think you should consider asking your GP to refer you for counselling, it is really helping me and will help you too. I so so feel for you, I feel just the same, but tomorrow is another day...and he will still be a sad, selfish, self centred twat who doesn't deserve you xx

It is a great letter but I wouldn't send it either as by past performance he will use it against you. Consider writing it as doing it for you and just needing to get it out of your system.

Limit your contact with him and press on with the divorce.

Best handover of kids ever. Came in from work, he never spoke and just left. Definitely the way forward. Long may it last. This is a horrible, horrible time of my life but I have to hold on to my resolve that it will be better without him in it. Your wise advice is really hoping. Thank you. Your posts give me resolve and strength

onmyownwithfourkids. Really feeling for you. I think I may have had a day just like you and I could write exactly the same letter.

If I were you I wouldn't bother send it. Like previous posters I suspect he won't read it, or digest it. I keep writing similar texts or emails to my 'DH' but then I delete them. But it makes me feel better to write it down and get it out of my system. DHs affair has only been going on for 5 months but after 16 years with him I know that he'll only hear what he wants to hear and zone out the rest. That's how he was and that's how he will probably always be. (OW will find out in time).

I've started printing out all his emails to me. He likes to think he's rational and reasonable but one look at his conflicting thoughts is enough for anyone to see he's living in cloud cuckoo land. Today he realised I have most of our money in my bank account and insisted I should give him back half. (his job is looking very insecure but he'll get a decent pay off and he's said recently he'll take a much lower paid job in future or even 'cut off his nose to spite his face' if I'm unreasonable). He emailed to say I was committing an act of 'bad faith'. I responded that whilst I was not happy to engage in a discussion about what constitutes an act of bad faith, since he is the one having the extra marital affair, I was happy to talk about it tonight with him.
He can't, he's apparently arranged to see OW tonight.....

Surround yourself with people who really love and respect you. Stay strong.

Palepowder, isn't it astonishing the strange world these men live in and how deluded the women are who get involved with them. I never thought I'd find myself bringing four children up on my own but I'm sure it will be easier without a large overgrown man child around. Hope you are ok. Your husband sounds as dysfunctional as mine x

Onmyown..glad to see you're a little more upbeat tonight, I know what a rollercoaster this is, but it definitely helps to disengage and resist futile conversation that will only end in you being blamed again and made a scapegoat while he swans off back to his OW. You're doing great...I promise! x

Palepowder I am so sorry to read you are going through this too. It's interesting about emails etc...it goes to show how irrational they actually are...I've got hundreds. My favourites being when my H emailed to say he had "never never never had sex with OW prior to leaving the house", 10 minutes later she emailed me to say "as a loving wife, I am sure you couldn't even consider a physical relationship with another man right now, that is where I am, the thought sickens me as I still love my dead husband". Erm, right. However, they'd been living together for 3 weeks at this point. Pricks. The other corker was trying to tell me he was gay to overturn an adultery divorce but I could go on and on with mad emails. This man thinks he is going to get custody of my DS. He is clearly completely unstable. Keep EVERYTHING, write everything down, delete nothing. We could all do a theatre production one day, along the lines of the Vagina Monologues...and it would be called "You Couldn't Make It Up"....:-) x

From my ex, I got emails saying that he had never threatened me to then make threats in the next paragraph.

The only long emails I send or have sent to exH are about DS. How his actions affect DS, and his relationship with him.
Never about my feelings. I just wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

Oh, and yes, you will be ok. :)

MrsC I like the stage show idea, or we could write the book!

Onmyown and palepowder, like everyone else says, you will be better off without them

keep strong. You really are doing so well

One thing I have realised is it's much easier when you don't engage with them. Him going straight out the door has meant I've spent a lovely evening without the mental torture. Mrsc sounds as if your husband and his delightful partner have nothing better to do than drag you into their sad melodrama. Hope things get better for you soon x

I have to say, I could actually fill a book with the ridiculous emails from my H and his OW. All their "here's and there's" mixed up, so many mistakes but I was so blind (or in denial) at the time that I didn't see it. I look back now and think "you absolutely poisonous pair of a*holes". Another corker was "how dare you suggest I am implicated in the end of your marriage, I am a widow, not a mistress, I thought I had made my position clear" (while away on a log cabin weekend with my husband AND living together...he was pretending he was homeless). I write stuff like this and wonder why I still love him, or have any feeling for him at all. Treating me like this after 14 years and a baby boy. What a cock. Keep typing girls, it's all therapy!!!

Onmyown...Do you know, I rarely wish ill on anybody, but those two are so without any moral compass, compassion, empathy, decency or even respectful of her still warm husband that I literally HOPE AND PRAY that this whole set up blows up in their nasty faces and destroys them both. I know that is creating bad karma for me, but it's how I feel at the moment.

I know what you mean about "handover"...I feel SO much better when no words are exchanged, when I barely have to see him etc..it gives you back some control and you SHOULD have control in your own home with your own children. HE is in the wrong, HE created this, HE doesn't deserve your time or consideration. I know how had it is but try and keep it up, it will give you some power back and you need that right now to get you through xxx

Mrsc it isnt bad karma. I used to imagine taking a great big baseball bat and kneecapping my exh with it. I could hear the bones crunch as I swung the bat and he went down. Am I a bunny boiler? No. Just a wife who had been been literally floored by her dh and the ow's appalling behaviour. Thinking bad thoughts about them isn't bad karma - its therapy!!

Honestly MrsC, there is no way that your husband and his girlfriend are going to skip off into the sunset into a lovely future. It's you that will gradually realise she's taken a loser off your hands. You and I both know we can't have them back. We've been shown who they really are. I'm a long way from not caring. It still hurts like hell having to contemplate a whole new future but there's something satisfying in knowing both your husband and mine have backed themselves into a misery filled corner and there's no turning back. Xx

Onedayatatime...Brilliant! I might try some of that myself! Indeed, we have all been floored haven't we? Thank you for making me feel better about karma...therapy sounds much better! :-) x

Onmyown God I hope not, it's funny that she's got him on such a tight leash already isn't it? Well you'll know that from my thread. How could you trust eachother after both knowing what you've done? I just think using a dead man and a grieving child to cover an affair is the lowest form of contempt...you do have to wonder about her mental health really. Yes, we both know there is no future for our marriages, but you're right, it takes a long time for your heart to catch up with your head and what they have done will come back to bite them, it always does one way or another. My husband is completely trapped in every way, totally dependent on her and even driving round in her dead husband's car..it's sick beyond belief. When your husband's 26 year old wakes up and smells the coffee, it will be different and 4 kids to look after will be a challenge I don't think she will want to take up for very long. We'll see...and look at how he keeps coming back...stupid man. You deserve SO MUCH MORE!! XX

If you agree that you can be friends he has an easier life and gets to let go of the guilt . That's all it's about. Him.

I'm still feeling as if I've been a bit mean spirited for saying I will not be his friend but you 're right it's not about 'doing the right thing for everybody' as he says, it's image control. If the woman he betrayed is laughing and joking with him then that makes it all OK .Massive high yesterday evening, massive low today. Are these dramatic mood swings normal going through this. I never know where I'm going to be