Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

I've been thinking of you op and wondering how you were going. He is still a total knob. I don't think he wants things formalised beause he can still get on its his life, take the kids when he wants them.

I think you are right to formalise all arrangements for him taking custody.hopefully there will be a day when he gets the kids every second weekend or so and you can get a weekend off. In the long run, the fact that they want it see him is good. You'd feel terrible if they didnt want to go to him. Hard to see an upside, but I guess that is it.

I have no doubt that until thinks are formalised, it is really going to suck, but push to get thinks formalised, settled, so you can move on with YOUR life.

You're right, he does appear to have gotten off Scott free, but I think when he falls, he will fall hard. Fuck, he is living with his Mum - hard to sugar-coat that one! When she dumps him, he's going to end up at his mums with a shitty tattoo and permanent reminder of his knob ness. You will have the last laugh - let the thought of that guide you through the hard times

I have lurked on your threads and I just wanted to say your children are doing well because they have an amazing mum who is protecting them for the reality of their father. They are thriving all because of you if they understood what their Dad was doing and how much he was hurting you and them by extension, they would be suffering. You have protected them because you are an amazing mum they are lucky to have you.
They will as they grow older understand more about what has happened/is happening in their lives and they will love you even more for being there for them and protecting them. Do not listen to the crap from him and his mum.

One day your kids will be thanking you and will be so proud of you. They will learn how to deal with life through watching you, how to treat those around you and how to rise above those that seek to bring you down, that is some legacy to pass onto your children. You are setting the foundation stones for them to live there lives, Yes it's hard work really hard work espically when you not supported by those that are supposed to be there for you, but do not think for one minute that you are failing because that is so far from the case.

On a practical level is there anything that you can address in your life re work hours, getting a lodger who helps with childcare, maybe a babysitter once a month. I don't know the details of your life but you sound worn out and not surprising really, but I think it's time to try and address however small, things in your life to try and give you some space to breathe.

I appreciate this is controversial, but I'm not all for children being exposed to toxic adults who make the RP's life hell. HIs mother is a personality-disordered, poisonous sort (no wonder he too is a selfish, self-centred, self-absorbed, toxic individual) and I don't think it's in the kids' best interests to be exposed to her more than is 'necessary'.

They, ex and his mother and the tart, are rubbing all this in your face - PLEASE don't listen to them. Their opinions are not worth even basic consideration - look what they've done, look how they behave: can you respect the opinions of people who behave like that? Entirely without morals, toxic, sick people. Their opinions are worth zero, precisely nothing.

I'm also not all for glossing over a very serious crime 'for the sake of the children'. Kids have an intense understanding of right and wrong and, although it's obviously not good to diss their parent, imo it is essential that kids know when someone has behaved badly. You can present is age-specifically and, yes, they may 'suffer' (be hurt) by it but that's because it's hurtFUL, what he's done is hurtful; and life isn't all about avoiding suffering, it's about what you do with it; and imo kids need to know that to prepare them for the realities of living ie shit happens.

I'm at the other end of all this carry on (it happened years ago with me) and at the time I bent over backwards to accommmodate appalling ex, and all and sundry poisonous sorts, at considerable cost to myself - and I genuinely think what I did was misguided. My kids have come away with the belief that 1. I'm christ on a cross, that's my/a mother's martyr role and 2. that you can treat people exceptionally badly and that's all fine.

I'm NOT talking vengeance but I am talking having some common sense about it: its not ok for daddy, or mummy, to bugger off with a piece of fluff and split the family. It's not ok for various persons to gloss over this and pit you as the fall guy, forcing you to bear the brunt of it all 'for the sake of the children'.

Do please remove yourself from the orbit of these poisonous people (re how come you know what they think? Because you're talking to them and associating with them). They will shove all this shit down your throat ad infinitim: they are hell bent on justifying what they've done and you are a convenient conduit for that. You don't have to suck it up 'for the sake of the children', you can remove yourself from their toxic prattling. Do get formal access arrangements in place asap the less the better and do please stop talking to them, associating with them, being around them. And don't facilitate extras, either; don't go out of your way to be accommodating 'for the sake of the children'. Your kids need a stable life with at least one parent who is steady - don't let that be him (because he isn't steady or stable).

Poisonous people are poisonous with everybody , children included.

You're so right springy..They are utterly toxic but hide behind a shield of sickly sweet over the top gushing over the children. My 6 year old has already seen right through it and is refusing to meet the girlfriend..He said "I think they're trying to trick me but I know that she's been horrible behind my mummy's back and you do nice things like take me on holiday and get me into Beavers. Daddy just goes to sleep on the sofa". because he's taken a stand the others are also saying no to the pressure to meet her although my 12 year old is happy to as he doesn't want to upset his Dad. I haven't planted any of these ideas in my children's heads..I've told them that I will never like what their Dad and this woman have done and she will never be my friend but I am happy for them to see her. Like you I don't believe in glossing over things and lying but I am steering clear of voicing the hurt and hatred I feel for what they've done. Because my 6 year old has said he's not happy about spending time with her I'm being portrayed as the bitter ex wife who is turning the children against them..Should I sit him down and tell him he has to go for the sake of his father..I HATE the idea of her being involved with my kids but I know it's going to have to happen. It'll be easier when I've sold the house..it's stuck on the market for ages and is now at a stupidly low price..Once that happens I can afford to pay the 30 percent towards a nanny and the rest will be covered by tax credits. Then I can distance myself more and put boundaries in place. I feel trapped and in limbo until the house sells. Thanks so much to everybody who posts on here. It helps so much..My friends are amazing but none of them quite understands as they've all got lovely loyal partners x

Who gives a fuck what they think? Their opinion is worth zero. YOU know the truth, you know what they've done and what they're doing, the rest is immaterial.

I wouldn't be saying he has to go for the sake of his father, no. Kids aren't stupid. Don't make a fuss just go along with it and say nothing. You must protect yourself in order to protect your children, that's how it goes ime.

I hope your house sells soon but I don't think you need to wait until then to get these goblins out of your life as far as possible. Of course I agree that we don't voice the hurt or anger but I'm heartened to hear that the kids have a true picture of what has happened and not a sanitised bollocks version.

Keep going, lovely. You're doing so well (

I can't improve on what Springy has said - but please remember all the claptrap shite which is being pedalled to you is complete and utter propaganda. Please do not give it a thought. His 'true love' - well he has to pretend that to justify his own actions which are foul.

And his mother really can feck off to the far side - how dare she speak to you in such a way.

And do remember contact with a parent is for the benefit of the child - it most certainly is not for the sake, or happiness, ego boosting, or anything else, of the father.

The only problem with your approach Springy is that once you do that you are unfortunately giving a green light to th poisoned ex to tell your kids what a shit wife they perceived you to be. (age specific no doubt - but they can still do so) Im afraid i don't agree with your approach, i think its best to bite one tongue and say nothing bad about the ex. I know this is as frustrating as hell.

And trust me I've thought about this a lot, as my 8 yo recently said out of the blue in a conversation about me and his mum 'but you left mummy'.
Hmm how do i explain that i moved out when she told me about her year long affair and she insisted the marriage was over, i was heartbroken and had a nervous breakdown???

If it needs addressing in the future id prefer to do so when they are adults and perhaps better able to understand all of the issues in play.

But I'm not saying to say anything bad about the ex. I'm saying to tell the truth, in an age-specific way, about what has happened re 'Daddy has decided to be with someone else and I find that very hurtful (but we are a lovely family and daddy loves you and mummy loves you so we're going to have to learn to be a different family to the one we're used to. Etc)'. Short, to the point. You don't say 'what a shit!' etc but you do say it for what it is. It's the truth and the kids need to know the narrative behind the hideous tension flying around.

as for risking the kids being poisoned by the poisonous ex and his poisonous mother - this is the very reason I would support reducing contact as much as possible. These people are poisonous and they will poison, it's what they do, they will do it to your kids. Please don't think they won't.

I think you're right springy. I've been truthful but not nasty. I don.'t want the children creating their own narrative. It's amazing how even his family have rewritten history. His mum has justified what her son did by saying I was lazy and expected him to do too much ( I work full time, had to go back when the children were 3 months as main earner) she though it was wrong I expected him to do anything round the house and says it's lovely that he's found someone to love him properly. I refuse to be portrayed to my children as lazy and unloving. It's hard to bestow constant adoration on someone who spends half their life lying on the sofa asking to borrow money to pay debts.

Gosh, he isn't exactly a prize, is he? This OW must be pretty stupid. Smart 26 year olds would be put off by someone who already has 4 kids (have you gone to the CSA?) and isn't a great breadwinner.

When they split up, his "his" tattoo is going to put off any future partners.

Back to being unable to sleep with the trauma of it all. I'm away this weekend. It's my first night away in months and the first time he's had the kids at the weekend since the beginning if the year. He's decided this is a good time to introduce the children to her. He's taking them all out to an expensive activity I couldn't afford. I already feel bitter that he's "winning" them by showing he can provide a better weekend than me. I've told the children to enjoy it be kind to her and to have a lovely time. I 'm finding it hard though. My 6 year old is beside himself. He doesn't want to go. He heard his dad screaming abuse at me and saying they will get custody of the children. This was a while ago but it's stuck in his head. He now thinks they are trying to 'trick' him and take him away. I suggested it might be better to introduce them when I'm not away so 6 year old can get used to seeing her for shorter time without worrying about me being away for the night. His father has said tough, he has to get used to it. He's meeting her whether he likes it or not and he will love her. I'm so worried about going away now. It's taken months to get him to agree to this weekend and now I'm going to worry about my sensitive little boy being traumatised.

I'm sorry onmyown sounds like it will be shit.

So, this is the first time that ow has meet all 4 kids. They are doing an expensive activity together. Seriously, I have 4 kids and if my 20-something self had met them, I would have fucking ran the other way with fear! (Not at all saying your children, or mine, are horrid, but to get 4 kids automatically is far too overwhelming).

Seriously I would be very surprised if this relationship lasts, and perhaps this meeting with be the beginning of the end of the 'honeymoon' part of the relationship.

I seriously get how it is hard not to be bitter about this. Your mil is an arse, but I think her answer it predictable - just trying to justify her shitty son.

Your time will come op, it'll be a rough road now.

Re-read your post. It is the first time your ex had had the kids for a weekend all year ... Fuck ... What a lazy sod. Seriously, he's been swanning around with her, but the hard bits are to come. Ow sounds n like a bit of a loon too....

I think meeting 4 kids who are upset and confused will frighten the hell out of the person in her 20s who thinks she is going to inherit a perfect little part time family.

I'm worried they will be a perfect part time family. I'm jealous that he gets to take them out as a 2 parent family. People seeing them will think she's their mum. I'm jealous she gets to enjoy them with him. I've been doing them all alone. It hurts that they get to play happy families with the children who meant nothing to them when the sordid affair started. Irony is my husband said she had to go as there was no way only one adult could cope. What does he think I've been doing! I know it's illogical but she's taken him what about if there's something so special about her she steals their affections too.

Darling, why are you basing your feelings on his/their version of events? You know what your version is (the truth), go with that. You're buying full-on into his/their cruel, spiteful, point-scoring story. Eg how come you';ve insane MIL's take on this? Why are you spending time with a bag of poison who is so cruelly putting you down and rubbing salt in your wound? You have enough pain and grief to be getting on with, you don't need more senseless cruelty piled on top.

It's upsetting that you're, effectively, feeding your kids to the lions - you wouldn't allow them to spend time with other awful people, why is it different because this vile specimen is his biological father? How come you've heard his version of his tart and the relationship he plans the children to have with her? Remove yourself from them so you can get your version of events (the truth) solidified in your mind and heart - which is, he has buggered off with a silly bit of fluff and he is blaming you and insisting he will replace you - lock, stock - with her. There is nothing noble or morally understandable about his story, which contains no real concern for the children's welfare at all, so why are you listening to it, believing it and basing your actions on it?

I don't feel like I've got any choice but to let him introduce them..My 6 year old is devastated and does not want to go but his father has a right to see them and he says his life is with her so they have to accept them as a couple..I am so worried about how my little boy will cope..He's so loyal and out of the four children has analysed the situation and is terribly upset with it..The others are just getting on with things and not really thinking of the rights and wrongs of things..Further upset today as I found out his father has given him 10000 to pay off all the debt he's built up during the affair..weelkends away etc on his credit card..So while I'm struggling to make ends meet his mum is letting him live rent free and his dad is giving him thousands of pounds..when will there be any justice

the father does not have a right to see them - but children have a right for contact with a parent.

But yep, it is all unfair, but don't believe the grass is greener. He may portray a happy new shiny life - but the reality will be a million miles away.

More likely, your kids will be their with their father and siblings and a stranger, and I bet they feel quite cross at this stranger who they must realise has taken you out of the equation. I guess the best way to meet the ow would be one hour and building up slowly. However, I think they may be nice to her, but there must be a niggling feeling that this scenario isn't right. And she's 26 with no experience of kids, hopefully she'll mess it right up!

Your fil is a fucker too. Seriously, your ex is going to come crashing down at some point. His ego is being propped up by a younger women and fil is financially propping him up. And, of course, that is money she should be paying you (he is not paying maintenance is he?). Really, I'd push forward with getting some sort of custody arrangement negotiated and maintenance. He's just trying to go with the flow; free rent, no financial obligations apart from his social life, no obligations regarding caring for his children. He is really having you on. Perhaps try forcing him to stand up to his responsibilities. I seriously cannot see him being awarded custody. No job, living with parents - makes him seem more like a no-hoper at his age!

I'm worried they will be a perfect part time family.

OP - as a step mother please don't worry about this! It's highly likely that she will freak out at 4 kids to control [no doubt he will leave her to it].

He's just sent me a text..i have viewings on the house so said he can pick the kids up at 9 so they are not in the house while estate agent is there (and he doesn't turn it in to a total tip) He has texted back to say he is not taking the kids out until 7pm and was planning on spending the day at the house with them..The youngest is 4 and 7 is his bedtime..What is he thinking of..Might be comedy entertainment as she gets introduced to an overtired 4 year old who is stroppy at the best of times

He was planning on spending the day in your house, drinking your coffee, using your electricity etc.

When you are not there to stop him going through your stuff or taking what he fancies?

I hope you said no!

one of the reasons I want to sell the house so much..He's still on the deeds and although I pay the mortgage he says he has as much right to be there as I have..He has the kids there as he's sleeping on his mum's sofa and says he has nowhere else to take them..I still can't get over him booking them in to a really noisy venue at 7pm..He has gone insane..the 4 and 6 year old will be overtired and horrible

He is a tool...

Would he have some reason to not want you to sell?

I'd definately say no too. I wouldn't want ow in my house, why can they not go to his mums. He is trying to all the shots. Seriously just wants to get his own way. I do feel for you. (((Xxx)))