Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

[cjelh]

I wouldn't want second hand shoes as we were always taught the will be moulded to someone elses foot shape. I would do what you want and not worry about upsetting X andOW. Tell your son the will be bad for his feet.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Is this unreasonable. Saw my sin had a new pair of converse shoes. Clearly second hand. Asked him where they had come from.my stbx had given him ow cast off shoes. I don't want my son wearing her shoes and think it's insensitive of the pair of them not to think that would upset me. Am I being unfair?

[springydaffs]

As you have seen, abuse isn't always obvious though let's hope he's thick so the abuse will be obvious enough that the kids see right through it eg tears, the 'I miss you so much' shit: abuse, manipulation. He'll do that to the kids, that 'oh look at me, your poor daddy, mummy is being so horrible, see how horrible mummy is when look at me I'm a poor daddy and I love you all so much and I'd do anything to see you but mummy won't let me because she's a bad mummy'. Kids are easily manipulated in this way - even you were swayed when he turned on the tears and the pleading.

Sorry, dog with a bone here.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I'm going to do the freedom programme. Just realised how easily manipulated I am. He was full of tears and "I miss you so much" I started to wonder if I've been being unfair. 6 year old winked at me as I left and said "I won't let them trick me you're my mummy not her." Six years old and he's seen right through it all. Thanks for the link. Might take time off work and try to sort my life out. Have been so obsessed with carrying in and not letting him get to me that I've just been on a treadmill. Exhaustion making me lose perspective

[Butterflyspring]

you can do the Freedom Programme online - not as good as in person, but still invaluable.

Here

[Anniegetyourgun]

I don't suppose he's got any stake in sabotaging the house sale, has he? Because that would be my first suspicion.

[springydaffs]

And do The Freedom Programme as soon as humanly possible. Find out what abusers do, their tricks; meet other women who have been subjected to the same abuse; get to see what he's doing - and that he is so far successful because you're blind to what he's doing, bound by the blanket rule to be 'fair'. Time is of the essence, stop him sooner rather than later. Protect your kids (and protect yourself in order to protect your kids).

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

Its a really bad idea to let him come to the house to see the kids. Really bad. I can't emphasise how stressful that will be to you.

Let him make his own arrangements to see the kids and if he starts throwing his toys out of the pram and saying "well I won't see them then, coz I haven't got anywhere to take them" then he'll be doing you and your kids a favour. You simply don't need someone like him and his parents in your lives.

[springydaffs]

You don't have to roll over under the auspices of a blanket 'the kids have a right to see their father' (though as a pp said you seem to have got that the wrong way around - it is the kids who have a right to see their father NOT the father has a right to see his kids. As it is, the kids don't want to see their father and are very distressed at the thought of it - protect them, you know why they don't want to see him). If he is forcing them to say they love him, daddy, more than you, mummy, then he is not seeing them for their sake, he is seeing them to push his campaign to force them away from you. This is abuse, protect your children from his abuse; risk being seen as one of 'those mothers', you know the truth. You don't have to explain it to him, do it to protect them from his abuse. Practise saying 'no' without justifying it, hoping he'll understand. He won't understand and has no intention of understanding, he is using them to abuse you.

As for him forcing you to agree to see them in your home (for the entire day!) - do please see that this is entirely unacceptable and just more abuse from him. Your home is your and your kids' sanctuary, you don't want an abuser perching there to pour out his abuse the whole day, regardless who he is.

[Butterflyspring]

I agree - your home is now private and he does not set a foot inside it. You need to protect yourself and set clear and firm boundaries.

And as for making a child say they love him more than you - I have no words....

Think you need to start keeping a diary of everything.

[tanukiton]

I really don't think he should be seeing the kids in YOUR house for all kinds of reasons. Maybe further on if all was amiable, but right now it is the wrong choice on so many levels.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Springy, I'm beginning to see your point. Six year old in tears last night says when he sees daddy his father makes him say he loves daddy more than mummy. He's also giving them cakes and sweets from her and saying how wonderful she is. They want my kids for an ego massage.

[Ludoole]

I think you are an amazing mother.
Your dignity shines through in your posts.

I think it is right that he should have the opportunity to introduce ow, but if he was any sort of father he would take things slowly and concentrate on their needs before his own.
Please dont let him dictate to you his rights. If you think forcing ds to go will cause him emotional stress then you have every right to protect your son.

As for wanting to stay all day at your house....this I wouldnt agree to! His mother has a house or theres always the park.

Keep strong. You're doing amazingly well.

[DustBunnyFarmer]

More fool him.

Any chance you can take something to help you sleep so you can rest up this weekend and build up your energy reserves, onmyown? You sound done in at the mo.

[springydaffs]

You do have a choice - to protect your children. It is your responsibility to protect your children. I despair that this incredibly disordered thinking around parenting holds such powerful sway these days - as said above, the kids have a right to see him but not if they don't want to . You know full well that it will be a damaging experience for your children, so why on earth are you not only going along with it but pushing your children to do it, when they very strongly don't want to and are in fact afraid of it and in a state about it? I despair that you (and many like you) are being so blind under the auspices of being 'fair'.

I'm sorry to be so upset about this but it is lunacy. This time btw is the easiest part because the kids are young. By forcing the kids into this godawful place (because you feel you 'ought to'), the poisonous bunch will have detailed access to them to twist their minds - they won't hold back, they will fully load up the kids with poison. For years. Please don't believe in the sweet fairytale that children know who their mothers are and will automatically and protect them and be loyal to them - by the time the poison has had years to take hold they could well kick you out because they will have been brainwashed to do it for years.

[imip]

He is a tool...

Would he have some reason to not want you to sell?

I'd definately say no too. I wouldn't want ow in my house, why can they not go to his mums. He is trying to all the shots. Seriously just wants to get his own way. I do feel for you. (((Xxx)))

[Onmyownwith4kids]

one of the reasons I want to sell the house so much..He's still on the deeds and although I pay the mortgage he says he has as much right to be there as I have..He has the kids there as he's sleeping on his mum's sofa and says he has nowhere else to take them..I still can't get over him booking them in to a really noisy venue at 7pm..He has gone insane..the 4 and 6 year old will be overtired and horrible

[magoria]

He was planning on spending the day in your house, drinking your coffee, using your electricity etc.

When you are not there to stop him going through your stuff or taking what he fancies?

I hope you said no!

[Onmyownwith4kids]

He's just sent me a text..i have viewings on the house so said he can pick the kids up at 9 so they are not in the house while estate agent is there (and he doesn't turn it in to a total tip) He has texted back to say he is not taking the kids out until 7pm and was planning on spending the day at the house with them..The youngest is 4 and 7 is his bedtime..What is he thinking of..Might be comedy entertainment as she gets introduced to an overtired 4 year old who is stroppy at the best of times

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I'm worried they will be a perfect part time family.

OP - as a step mother please don't worry about this! It's highly likely that she will freak out at 4 kids to control [no doubt he will leave her to it].

[imip]

More likely, your kids will be their with their father and siblings and a stranger, and I bet they feel quite cross at this stranger who they must realise has taken you out of the equation. I guess the best way to meet the ow would be one hour and building up slowly. However, I think they may be nice to her, but there must be a niggling feeling that this scenario isn't right. And she's 26 with no experience of kids, hopefully she'll mess it right up!

Your fil is a fucker too. Seriously, your ex is going to come crashing down at some point. His ego is being propped up by a younger women and fil is financially propping him up. And, of course, that is money she should be paying you (he is not paying maintenance is he?). Really, I'd push forward with getting some sort of custody arrangement negotiated and maintenance. He's just trying to go with the flow; free rent, no financial obligations apart from his social life, no obligations regarding caring for his children. He is really having you on. Perhaps try forcing him to stand up to his responsibilities. I seriously cannot see him being awarded custody. No job, living with parents - makes him seem more like a no-hoper at his age!

[Butterflyspring]

the father does not have a right to see them - but children have a right for contact with a parent.

But yep, it is all unfair, but don't believe the grass is greener. He may portray a happy new shiny life - but the reality will be a million miles away.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I don't feel like I've got any choice but to let him introduce them..My 6 year old is devastated and does not want to go but his father has a right to see them and he says his life is with her so they have to accept them as a couple..I am so worried about how my little boy will cope..He's so loyal and out of the four children has analysed the situation and is terribly upset with it..The others are just getting on with things and not really thinking of the rights and wrongs of things..Further upset today as I found out his father has given him 10000 to pay off all the debt he's built up during the affair..weelkends away etc on his credit card..So while I'm struggling to make ends meet his mum is letting him live rent free and his dad is giving him thousands of pounds..when will there be any justice

[springydaffs]

Darling, why are you basing your feelings on his/their version of events? You know what your version is (the truth), go with that. You're buying full-on into his/their cruel, spiteful, point-scoring story. Eg how come you';ve insane MIL's take on this? Why are you spending time with a bag of poison who is so cruelly putting you down and rubbing salt in your wound? You have enough pain and grief to be getting on with, you don't need more senseless cruelty piled on top.

It's upsetting that you're, effectively, feeding your kids to the lions - you wouldn't allow them to spend time with other awful people, why is it different because this vile specimen is his biological father? How come you've heard his version of his tart and the relationship he plans the children to have with her? Remove yourself from them so you can get your version of events (the truth) solidified in your mind and heart - which is, he has buggered off with a silly bit of fluff and he is blaming you and insisting he will replace you - lock, stock - with her. There is nothing noble or morally understandable about his story, which contains no real concern for the children's welfare at all, so why are you listening to it, believing it and basing your actions on it?