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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he will give up work so he gets custody of the children with his affair partner

391 replies

Onmyownwith4kids · 31/03/2014 17:10

I've posted on here at a time when my husband was trying to come back to me after I discovered his affair. He'd introduced his other woman to his mother and had also lived with her family while saying he loved me not her and wanted to come back. He then moved out of her family home and begged me to rebuild the marriage. He said I was the love of his life and he'd made a massive mistake. I agreed but something told me he was still seeing her. I didn't let him home he's been living with his mum so has had ample chance to carry on his affair. Today I discovered his affair has continued so told him there is no option now other than divorce. That's when it got nasty. He says he will stop working so I have to pay him maintenace and will also fight for custody of the children so he can bring them up with his other girlfriend. We had a legal deed of separation drawn up where he agreed how he would only take 10000 of the house as it had been me that paid for it all and mine when we met..I'm bewside myself. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow but so upset that someone who's already treated me so badly could now try and take my children and my home. Does he have any chance?

OP posts:
Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 07/04/2014 22:07

Husband just been here. Has anyone else experienced this having your cake and eating it behaviour . He kept saying I miss you, I love you. He had his chance to make things right and then went trotting back to his girlfriend. He has behaved I. An appalling way playing us off against each other. If she could see how he behaves around me she 'd be horrified. Just as I'm feeling strong and hoping to get on with my life he tried to reel me back in. It's horrible. Why doesn't he just get on with life with her. It's like he can't stand to see me getting on with life without him. Is this normal behaviour?

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MrsC1969HJ · 07/04/2014 22:11

Oh my God, what a complete and utter tosser. That is outrageous! So, he comes round, tells you he loves you and just swans back off to the mistress. I'd be inclined to record it the next time he does it and then send it to her. I haven't had this I have to admit, my husband says the OW is the love of his life, but I know lots of people this has happened to and he is basically trying to keep his options open. Shut that door now. Of course he can't stand it, he's losing power! Keep strong chick! xx

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 07/04/2014 22:14

It's so hard because I want to stop loving him but my heart won't catch up with my head. I'm trying to stop caring but it's like he can't cope with that. Hope things getting better for you mrsc. You sound amazingly strong x

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MrsC1969HJ · 07/04/2014 22:24

I am really not...have had a bad day today. You should have seen my pitiful whinge on my thread last night :-/. I know exactly how you feel, exactly, and you can't just stop caring and it won't happen overnight. However, he's done all this to you, could you really go back and trust him and go back to a normal relationship? I think it's unlikely, I really do. They can't cope when they realise you are moving on. You deserve more than being an "option" don't you? xx

LavenderGreen14 · 07/04/2014 22:36

My ex did this twice - and I nearly fell for it. Until I woke up and he trotted back to the OW as fast as his little legs could carry him.

Don't you think you deserve better. He is a dishonest cheat who threatened to take your kids away. Why are you even letting him over the threshold. He is a complete and utter selfish c word. Please stop talking to him.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 07/04/2014 22:36

I have read your thread and don 't think you are pitiful at all. You're dealing with a pair of deranged lunatics in a dignified, incredible way. Sounds like they're relying on you to prop up their sad little relationship by immersing you in a you against them drama. You're amazing to cope with their carry on xc

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Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 07/04/2014 22:39

I know you're right lavender but it's so hard to disengage when there are children. He says we have to be friends for their sake but I know it's unhealthy

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LavenderGreen14 · 07/04/2014 22:42

nope - he is playing you. He is no longer your friend. He just wants 2 women fighting over him, massaging his ego. You must now look on him as the enemy.

You read THIS ?

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 07/04/2014 22:47

That's so well observed. Thanks lavender. Will stop engaging in this ego massaging behaviour. He's texting constantly to say we have to be friends but if I was that hideous that I drove him to an affair ( as he claims) he should be delighted to have minimum contact. Thanks for your wise advice. So hard not to get sucked in x

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LavenderGreen14 · 07/04/2014 22:52

of course it is difficult - no contact is the only way. He has no need to text you constantly. He made his bed, go lie in it and leave you alone.

MrsC1969HJ · 07/04/2014 23:25

Onmyown..I am so glad Lavender came along as I know she's been down this route and is such an amazing person to advise. She is totally right, when you next do something that is "your fault", he'll be running back to the OW and it will indeed be "your fault"...see the pattern there? I have the same problem in terms of fault and blame...it's all mine obviously. Two middle aged adults deciding to have an affair is nothing to do with them. He is equally not taking responsibility for his own behaviour. You can't be friends..not at this stage...I had all that..."we're more like brother and sister"...really? I wasn't aware of that when we were having a great time in bed thanks! Sorry to be blunt but that's fact! He wants you two to be fighting over him, so don't. Remove yourself, factual minimal contact for the sake of the kids, that's it. Don't let him swan in and out as he sees fit. You CAN do this! So can I :-) xx

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 08/04/2014 01:12

I've had constant texts saying we have to be friends. We need to for everyone's sake and when he gets no response I'm made out to be an unreasonable nasty individual. It's been hard today. He's refusing to sign divorce paperwork and is very much playing the part of the poor, badly treated victim who had no choice but to cheat on his wife. What's really driving me mad is he keeps saying I didn't leave the children I left you. I doubt his affair would have been so exciting if his girlfriend had been juggling the demands of four children like I was. Feeling really sad tonight and as if all this will never end.

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BirdieWhirlie · 08/04/2014 01:38

Has someone already mentioned that you should record the conversations where he asks you to take him back?? You should. But don't send it to the OW straight away. Hang onto it.

DrewsWife · 08/04/2014 01:40

My ex never worked. I worked full time. I kept the child and parental responsibility. Don't panic. All is not lost

LavenderGreen14 · 08/04/2014 08:14

I got the I didn't leave the child I left you line too. Honestly tell him to sod off. His emotional needs are no longer your concern.

THIS is an interesting read too. Actually, go through the whole site - is invaluable.

doorkeeper · 08/04/2014 08:23

There's been a lot of sensible advice on this thread. I'd just add that you should document everything he says to you. Keep texts and emails he's sent you, and if you talk to him on the phone, take notes afterwards and add the date.

If your kids report conversations to you that he's had with them without you present (ie if the 12 year old has a phone that your ex calls them on), play it cool with the kids, don't make a big deal of it, but write down what they've reported to you once they are out of the room.

Best of luck, OP. He sounds like someone you are well rid of.

Walkacrossthesand · 08/04/2014 08:32

Yes to being 'civilised' (dignified, in the best interests of the DCs etc) - but no to 'friends'. The difference is, a friend gives a hoot about how you are and what's happening for you. You for him? Nah - not friends. And him for you? Nah, he was your DH and decided he didn't want to be. Friendship isn't on offer, matey. Just civilised adults having he least possible to do with each other, in the bed interests if the children.

Walkacrossthesand · 08/04/2014 08:33

Consider all typos corrected please!

PedantMarina · 08/04/2014 08:34

Haven't read the whole thread, but a friend is in a similar situation and here's what I advised her:

Watch the end fight scene in Iron Man. Listen to the Obediah (bad guy) taunt Tony Stark with how easy it is to win against somebody who cares and is a good guy. Then cheer as Tony jumps on his, tears something out of Obadiah's suit and says 'this looks important'.

He's trying to use your children as weapons against you. Get very pissed off indeed, then go all Tony Stark on his ass.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 08/04/2014 08:34

Lavender it sounds like you've been through something very similar experiences to me. How are things now? When do they give up. I now feel I'm going to have to play the puck me dance with my oldest son. I 'me the boring one school runs, homework, nagging to tidy room etc. I got home from work yesterday to be told by my husband my son had asked to come back with him to his mum's for a week. I was furious not to have been consulted. 12 year old is spoilt rotten there, endless sweets, money praise. No boundaries. My mother in law welcomed her son's affair partner into her home behind my back so I don't like what she stands for. She's always been over the top with my son 'you 're nana's boy not mummy's boy' right from when he was born. Calling me controlling when I said no to sweets for breakfast and asked them not to spend so much money on him ( hundreds of pounds on toys when they're not wealthy) now I won't see my son till Sunday and am worried he's over there being subtly poisoned against me. How do I stop them turning him against me. I feel like they're dividing my family. They're not so keen on the younger 3. They're hard work but think it 's unhealthy for a 12 year old to be away from his siblings and sharing a room with a 70 year old woman who fawns all over him and gives no boundaries ( exactly as she treated her son) am I being unfair. I know he has to see his grandparents

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Mizza76 · 08/04/2014 08:41

You don't have to be friends. You have to be in touch just enough to arrange childcare - that's it!!

LavenderGreen14 · 08/04/2014 08:55

Now we have no contact with him at all. Over 2 years later things are ok. My daughter is much older so makes her own decisions about him. She never, ever wants to see him again. It has been a long road, and the pain him and the OW caused is immeasurable.

My ex would only come back if I never mentioned what he had done and just buried my head in the sand about all of his activities - neither of those were possible. He wouldn't take any responsibility for his actions and instead vanished from our lives. Then accused me of turning our daughter against me. And don't even get me started on the OW and her treatment of me.

My advice - ignore, disengage, change email and phone number if poss, do not enquire, do not google. Hold your children close, always be honest with them where possible and rely on friends. Oh and get the shit hottest solicitor you can lay your hands on. Sadly this is now war.

Original poster
Onmyownwith4kids · 08/04/2014 09:14

I would so love to have no contact but he insists he will be as much part of the children's lives as if he'd never left. Lavender sounds like you had one just like mine. You're right the pain is awful. I'm filled with every possible emotion, anger, jealousy, grief, feelings of failure. I'm close to tears a lot of the time. I found out about the affair in August so it's been a while. Before I found out I had a year of him treating me appallingly and me dancing round like an idiot to save the marriage. He left her in January but went straight back to her when I wanted to talk about what had happened. He said I was not entitled to make him feel bad with my anger. If I'd put it all behind me he would be back but I just couldn't 't do it. My 4 year old has now just asked to go and see nana. He's not seen her for months and is not close. He then said they've got toys for me. Manipulation has obviously been going on. Terrified my husband's awful mother is going to get involved and turn my kids against me. Have a great solicitor but it's financially crippling

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LBZT · 08/04/2014 09:27

Hi OP, I have no decent advice here but it does look like H wants your kids and is using whatever means to get them. It's nasty, can you slowly reduce contact time, set something more official up, make alternative child care arrangemnets that doesn't involve him. Also on MRSC thread there is a lady by the name of springdaffs who has sadly lost her kids and seems to be very wise to games that are played out. Can you PM her or maybe mrsc could ask her to read your thread. Her advice may help you. As a outsider I think that you need to disengage with H it sounds like you are letting him bully and scare you that's not healthy and you need to be really strong here.

Lweji · 08/04/2014 09:51

I would so love to have no contact but he insists he will be as much part of the children's lives as if he'd never left.

Well, that cannot simply be possible.

He's either in or out.

Make other child care arrangements and make him responsible before the children for keeping up contact with them. Don't bendover backwards for them. It's his responsibility to be a good father, not yours.