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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

anyone up? anyone at all?

188 replies

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 04:41

Found out tonight DH has been seeing someone. Every time I try to go to sleep I start crying. Feels like my heart is breaking. I have to be up in 2 hours to take the kids to school and pretend everything is ok.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 05/04/2014 12:20

Avocado:

You're brilliant. You really are doing so well. Enjoy your visitors. Hug your dc close. Put one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Post on MN when you need support.

Ps- I found cheese on toast easy to eat, and sugary tea xx

Thumbwitch · 06/04/2014 09:07

When I was left, I found I couldn't stomach anything fatty. I subsisted on bananas and very weak sweet milky coffee - and I only put the coffee grains in because I don't like the taste of hot milk! I lost 1.5st in 4 weeks. I don't recommend it much, but at least it gave me some nutrients, although not many.
My biggest problem was chewing as well - I had what felt like a physical lump in my throat that wasn't letting me swallow. :(

So sad for your DC but they will start to get used to it soon. :( xxx

Original poster
avocadogreen · 06/04/2014 23:32

I can't even begin to explain what has been going o this weekend. Suffice to say, we have had a talk on the phone tonight and I honestly think he has fallen out of love with me. He says for him thing went wrong when I became obsessed with getting pregnant (I have PCOS and it took a long time to have DD). And he has never felt the same about me since. I just became a mum.

I don't want to get into the reasons why we were talking etc, it's too long and not important. But there is a bit part of me that feels like he doesn't know me. That he's been so wrapped up in his own personal hell of work etc and has interpreted things I have done, the way I have acted in certain situations, completely wrong. He has no idea and never will of what it is to be a mum and to give up on.your career and dreams for what you think will be the greater good of the family. Just as I guess I will never understand the pressure he felt as the provider while I was at home.

I am sick of people in RL offering advice. So I don't really want advice here. Just to know someone is out there listening to me. I have a bottle of gin. And all DD's birrhday presents to wrap. FUCK.

OP posts:
JupiterGentlefly · 06/04/2014 23:35

Im here and I am shit at advice so Wine it is..

JupiterGentlefly · 06/04/2014 23:36

Thumb I had that too.. the muscles seemed to close ip and I couldnt eat

LBZT · 06/04/2014 23:38

I have followed your thread from the beginning and I am listening. Also I have PCOS i understand where your coming from in regards to that.

Original poster
avocadogreen · 06/04/2014 23:42

thank you. I think it's over. fuckfuckfuck. and I've managed to humiliate myself by telling him I was willing to work through this and give it a chance, uf he was. I am such a twat. I don't recognise the me that he describes. I feel that the real me is still in here, he just doesn't see it.

it appears that all our friends who have gradually found out have been giving him advice along the lines of 'married life is a bit shit and boring but you just have to put up with it for the sake of the kids'. Great.

OP posts:
Original poster
avocadogreen · 06/04/2014 23:44

i just sat here and listened to him telling me how great she is. Fuck i am a twat.

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 06/04/2014 23:48

You're not a twat. At all. He is for talking about her to you. Insensitive thoughtless twat. You will come through this, you will be OK.

Original poster
avocadogreen · 06/04/2014 23:55

i asked him. i was trying to understand. The feeling from his family us that he is having a breakdown of some sorts. I was trying to find out what he gets from her that he doesn't get from me.

i don't know how to act anymore. I feel like I've made a fool of myself. I feel like any act of trying to understand or reconcile will be seen y him as a sign of weakness.

I just want him to want me back, and to fight for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
avocadogreen · 06/04/2014 23:55

i can't come through this i just can't. my life is ruined

OP posts:
ThisFenceIsComfy · 07/04/2014 00:03

Your life isn't ruined, I promise.

You don't want him to fight for you because you are better than him. You don't need him. Repeat that to yourself. You don't need him.

It's scary looking ahead at an uncertain future. But it's fear making you feel like you need him at the moment. He's a complete twunt. Focus on you and your DC right now.

You are a strong brilliant mum and woman.

superstarheartbreaker · 07/04/2014 00:04

No it isn't...it has changed and it hurts but you don't need a disloyal traitor in your life.

chainstore · 07/04/2014 00:04

You WILL get through this. You have to for your children. This is the hardest , darkest time, but it will get better.

Original poster
avocadogreen · 07/04/2014 00:16

i think i have reached the anger stage. Fuck this is shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
avocadogreen · 07/04/2014 01:28

Ok I have wrapped her presents. That was actually really hard to do alone, it is DD's birthday tomorrow. I have also sent H a load of hateful text messages which was a really bad idea.

OP posts:
WillYouDoTheFandango · 07/04/2014 01:45

That is shit Avocado. Fucking bollocking wanking shit. And I'm sure you don't deserve it. Just wanted you to know someone's still here. (no advice from me, I have a 1yo and have been told DP is fed up of me just being mum and doesn't want to be with me anymore)

Maybe the texts were a bad idea but fuck it. If they gave you even a seconds relief then it's worth it.

I hope you get some sleep and your DD has a lovely birthday tomorrow Cake

Original poster
avocadogreen · 07/04/2014 01:48

I am glad someone is here. I fear this is another all nighter. Just me, a bottle of gin and the Good Wife on the telly.

OP posts:
Original poster
avocadogreen · 07/04/2014 01:56

It was her birthday party today and so DH came. He was very good at playing the part of dad at the party and being very helpful. Then as soon as the kids were in bed started being a twat. I asked him to stay and talk. Apparently I don't understand, he has two lives now and he's so busy.

So obviously I told him to go, then called him, we actually had a good long chat (mainly about what he thinks went wrong) and I felt very angry that at 11pm he wanted to get off the phone and go to bed. Because if thus was umportant to him he would want to keep talking. He has had many late nights at 'work' which were much later than 11 but he managed to stay up. He just doesn't want to for.me.

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 07/04/2014 02:09

Stay away from more texting. Well done on wrapping the presents. Even if you give up on sleep just try and rest.

Onmyownwith4kids · 07/04/2014 02:15

I hope you 're ok. Going through something similar myself. I know how you feel. My husband keeps disappearing on breaks with his girlfriend leaving me with the kids, work etc and to sort childcare. Like your husband he resented life and the children taking over and found someone young and with no responsibilities who could do that. It is shit. I've had endless sleepless nights, but slowly getting through it. You will too but it's horrible. I don't understand this falling out of love business. To me when you create a family with someone you commit to working through the ups and downs. Running off when it gets a bit tough is so shallow

KeatsiePie · 07/04/2014 02:43

I'm so sorry. He's acting like such a giant shit. No advice from me but I hope your DD was happy with her party. I'm not a parent and don't know a damn thing about raising children but it strikes me as really impressive, loving, generous parenting that you made sure he was there for her at her birthday party. And hope you have lots of extra Cake to go with your gin.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/04/2014 10:11

Sorry I didn't see your posts yesterday.

Whatever happens next, you will know that you gave him a big chance to put the brakes on the runaway train but he has refused.

Fwiw he would take anything your friends say and twist it.

If someone asks for advice about having kids and they appear to want the truth you might say,
"Well, it is a huge commitment and your lives do change. You do get sleepless nights and your sex life might suffer. Money might be tight and spontaneity becomes almost unachievable".

It doesn't sound very appealing but that's with all the good bits missed out. Your H has edited all those parts out.

If your H couldn't hack it just because you became a mum then he wasn't on the same page was he. He hasn't thought in terms of what YOU miss or gave up. When people talk about making sacrifices for their DCs he must tune all that out. Now he sees a chance to bail out. Of course he is going to heap any blame for the marriage cracks at your door. And the more he persuades himself he's been the injured party the better.

Breakdown my foot.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 07/04/2014 11:46

Hope the birthday is going well. You've been wonderful Op. It has all happened so fast, you must be in terrible shock.

The type of woman who lovebites a married father of two young kids?...This IS going to go to shit for him, I can guarantee. As Steve Coogan said on 'The trip', "They seem really appealing, the volatile, crazy ones, but after a couple of years you just want them to put the lids back on things..." (badly paraphrased)

He has decided his family aren't the centre of the universe anymore. This doesn't mean he's having a break down, it means he's a twat.

ChinUpChestOut · 07/04/2014 13:39

Sorry to hear about your last couple of days avocado. Life's shit, he's a shit, everything's a shit. It seems he's detached from you/his family life. Life with the new girlfriend is just so much more fun.

Please channel that anger you're now feeling into finding a solicitor and getting a financial agreement organised. Take copies of whatever you can find on the household finances, as I think there's going to be pressure on the joint bank account very soon, and you must protect yourself and DD.