Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

anyone up? anyone at all?

188 replies

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 04:41

Found out tonight DH has been seeing someone. Every time I try to go to sleep I start crying. Feels like my heart is breaking. I have to be up in 2 hours to take the kids to school and pretend everything is ok.

OP posts:
HepHep · 02/04/2014 14:16

Or he'll say, a few months down the line from now that he 'still loves you' and is 'confused'.

So sorry you're going through this. He has behaved like a knob and I'm so glad you fully realise it's nothing you've done.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/04/2014 14:17

Well.. As he has already moved on and probably checked out of your relationship a while ago, he's well ahead of you on getting his head together.

He may be very fair regarding finances and the kids.
But he may not be.
You need to be prepared for either outcome.

It's you who now needs to act.
Get to a solicitor and find out about finances and where you stand.
Do you want to stay in the house? Is it owned/rented etc...?
I know I wanted to stay in the house and he left anyway (well after 6 months), but I'm now ready to 'move on' and start a new chapter of my life and that means selling up and moving to a new place for a new start. It has taken me 4+ years to get to this point though.

Contact the CSA and see what you are entitled to.
I assume you know how much he earns.
If he is a high earner then you should be OK.
Do you work as well? Or are you SAHM?
Can you gain some independence by getting a PT job?

You will go through a whole rollercoaster ride of emotions over the next few months. You really will.
You will amazed at how much you can cry. You think there can't possibly be anymore tears - but there are - they will be endless in the short term.

Your most important thing to do now is to let family and friends know and get them to rally round you. Help you, support you and just be for you.
I would no way have got through my separation without my wonderful family and friends. They will be your rocks for now and they will certainly want to help you as much as they can. Call on them as often as you need to.

At least you have some kind of closure for now and quite early on too. The fact he has amitted it and moved on quickly might be a big help.

I really hope he makes it all as painless as possible for you.
And I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/04/2014 14:23

From now on you look at living your life as well as you can and when the opportunity presents itself, rage and shout away from the DCs then be cool as a cucumber whenever you see him. He might expect pleading or begging, he will find studied indifference rather shocking and unsettling.

OW may well wonder what she let herself in for when he is expecting her to run around for him domestically and bringing two young DCs to their place every other weekend.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/04/2014 14:28

What a stupid twat he is. Yes, you need solicitors.

Talk to your family and friends. Cry.

Bloody well done for rearranging contact. I would continue to avoid him as much as possible. No chats. He will want you to hurry up and smooth over what hes done to you. There is no need for you to do so just to ease his guilt.

Thumbwitch · 02/04/2014 15:19

Next part of the script is him turning into someone whom you just don't recognise.

When people get together, they nearly always modify their behaviours slightly around their partners, suppressing the bits that don't work so well in the relationship, enhancing the bits that are good. When the relationship ends, there is no longer any need for these modifications, so all the behaviours that didn't fit your relationship can come out - and they might shock you rigid.

I may have said this before, it bears repeating - always always assume the worst case scenario will happen. That way, you'll never be shocked, you might be pleasantly surprised, but you will be prepared.

Do not underestimate how low they can go - perhaps read other threads in here from women who are further down the line - whatever he agrees to in the first throes of guilt at breaking up the family, he will try and rescind in the next few months as the guilt wears off and you just become some annoying ex who won't just disappear into the past. Obviously you can't because you have children with the twat - so you HAVE to stay in touch, and he should bloody well be supportive of his children - but that does rather take the shine off his new super-duper "freedom" with the OW and he will resent it like fury as time goes on.

Sort out your finances, get yourself protected as much as you can as soon as you can - because they get sneaky really quickly, especially if the OW is the sort to whine about how unfair it is that he has to give so much money to you rather than them being able to enjoy it together - get some kind of agreement in place as quickly as you can too.

And as PPs have said, he might, after about 3m, call you saying he's made a terrible mistake and he's not sure he did the right thing and he still loves you - and you'll get all hopeful that he's changed his mind, got fed up with OW and is coming home - and the next time you talk to him he's completely gone the other way and is all loved up with Her again and it's like the WORST cold shower ever. (Experience talking here!)

At all times now, do what is right for YOU and your DC. His problems/affairs are HIS to worry about, you no longer need to. If he doesn't like whatever suits you, too bloody bad. He lost the right to have a say about that when he shagged Miss Lovebite.

I am sorry he's following the usual faithless bastard script, but at least you can be pre-warned as to what's likely to happen next.

KeatsiePie · 02/04/2014 15:25

Just found the script. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script. It doesn't sound all that much like what you're going through, at least not in order, but maybe it will be useful, maybe it will at least make you laugh Grin

I didn't mean to put pressure on you by saying you sounded brave. I just think you're doing really really well. Rearranging contact seems smart to me too.

avocadogreen · 02/04/2014 23:04

Thank you- that script post made me laugh out loud, and I've not done that since saturday. There are definitely elements, especially the 'it's all about me' attitude.

He came, the kids had a great time, he took them to a pub and fed then scampi and chips then took them to 'daddy's new house' Hmm which apparently is massive and amazing and they can have sleepovers there So he is not staying with OW but with a 25yo bloke from work who lives in a house share. Like fuck am I going to let them go for sleepovers.

Then they clung to him when he left,DD cried all evening and finally is asleep in our bed. She said 'I'll sleep on daddy's side'. Fuck fuck fuck. My heart is breaking for her, I will have to speak to teacher tomorrow. DS is fine, just taking it in his stride.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/04/2014 09:26

It's horrible to watch your kids hearts breaking.
But they do adapt quickly, this will be short term.
Phone that solicitor today and get in a quickly as you can.
The school will have seen this loads of times before and will be well equiped to cope with it.
I do hope you have OK day.
Try to eat something and look after yourself.
Get your family and friends on board.

avocadogreen · 03/04/2014 19:51

I told DD's teacher, she was lovely. I also told one of the school.mums, it was a relief to talk to someone face to face about it.

I still feel like shit, I miss him desperately and hate him all at the same time.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2014 20:45

I'm glad you've been able to talk to people.

What a shocking time you've had...all this change to get your head around...

Hope you are making some happy plans for the holidays, doing whatever you want to do.

avocadogreen · 03/04/2014 20:51

It's the thought of the holidays that is getting me through- going to get away from here and spend some time with my real friends and family, people who will take the kids and let me fall apart, help me talk through future plans.

On the plus side I have seen a perfect job I am going to apply for, SEN TA in a school, similar to what I used to do. The salary isn't much but I am assuming (hoping) there will be tax credits etc available to me and the kids. I need to speak to CAB really.

I had such a positive day, but the evenings make me fall apart again.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2014 20:53

You're allowed to fall apart, just a bit Thanks

I have to say it again- what a twat he is.

KeatsiePie · 04/04/2014 06:08

Glad the script thread made you laugh! And great about the job opp.

I think it is perfectly normal in any really ongoingly tough situation to fall apart a bit every so often, rather regularly, e.g., every night .... actually I think it is necessary and happens because you can't live in strong coping mode all the time, you require space to feel how you feel so you can get through. But I am so sorry, falling apart is still miserable Thanks so glad you have the holiday ahead.

avocadogreen · 05/04/2014 01:50

So once again I am awake in the middle of the night with no hope of sleep. The kids are in their own beds tonight at least. Aaargh.

OP posts:
tessa6 · 05/04/2014 01:58

Don't worry, avocado. I'm here. You are really brave. This is a beginning, i promise. you just need to struggle through the pain. There's another side. It'll be day soon.

saffronwblue · 05/04/2014 03:05

It is a rollercoaster and you will have ups as well as downs. Just get through tonight and then your kids will be bright and make you laugh in the morning.

avocadogreen · 05/04/2014 03:36

Thank you. At least I am awake and calm.Not crying, just awake. I am wondering how long my body can go on with so little food and so little sleep. I literally have not eaten an actual meal since sunday. It feels like dust in my mouth and I feel sick. Every now and then I get this aching in my stomach and think oh, I guess I might be hungry, and I manage to stuff down a banana, or nibble the kids' leftover toast crusts. And I feel ok, energised even. But this can't go on, right?

My friend suggested asking the GP for sleeping tablets, but I worry then I won't be able to wake up for the kids if they need me.

OP posts:
KeatsiePie · 05/04/2014 04:55

So sorry you're having a hard time sleeping and eating. I feel like other posters have said the same, which is to say, I think that's a normal reaction, but of course hard.

Is there any particular food you've always found comforting and easy, maybe something from childhood, that you could get yourself? And/or things that are easy to put out in bowls and nibble at? I doubt you're going to let yourself starve, but I think sometimes when things are really stressful it's helpful to make eating as easy as possible.

I also wonder whether some distraction might help with sleeping, some good new tv/movies/books (and with eating again, as you might nibble while watching/reading and not notice). Maybe it's a good time to order a couple of really absorbing movies or books to get on the couch with at night?

Feel free to disregard if you don't want suggestions. I am glad to just offer sympathy and Thanks

Lweji · 05/04/2014 04:59

Do talk to the gp, though.
They may prescribe for anxiety or something mild that will still let you sleep.

ChinUpChestOut · 05/04/2014 05:56

De-lurking to say I've just read through all your posts and think you're holding it together really well.

It's very annoying that you can't sleep and can't eat, but as you're up (or next time you're up if you've gone back to bed) start googling family law solicitors in your town and email them for an appointment. You usually get 30 minutes free 'exploratory' appointment, so you could try a couple to see who you click with.

Given that your DTwat is in the "look at me I'm a not so young free and single man again" mode again, he's going to start spending money on takeaways, pubs, restaurants before you know it. So you have to get the money side of things sorted out. You need to have what is a reasonable amount of money per month for you and the children to live on, and a solicitor will help you with that. CAB (if you can get an appointment) can tell you what benefits you can claim in the short term (but then again so can many MNers) and you can start thinking about access for DTwat that will work for the DC and you.

Once you feel you're using your 'can't sleep' time productively, maybe it will mean that you can sleep. I hope so.

JupiterGentlefly · 05/04/2014 07:31

My gosh avocado you are amazing. I like the swan' analogy. . All calm and serene on top whilst flapping away furiously underneath. I would not be half as dignified.
My son is in year 6 of primary. In these 6 years I have watched enough marriages break up in the same way amongst my school mum friends. Husband has ego stroked and leaves for ow. Ive seen the tears the despair, the unhealthy weight loss..
I've seen the recovery too. One lady who I am particularly close too 'fell apart' . We are now laughing about it. I am not being blase or flippant. It was awful for her at the time. She thought she would never get over it. But slowly she did and you will too.
she spent so long waiting for him to say I am sorry I made a mistake. He did but by then her life had changed she had changed. It was lovely to watch her blossom
You will blossom too when you get through this 'winter'

miniHovis · 05/04/2014 08:16

It all feels raw just now, and i know that me saying it all does get better and easier doesn't help you feel any better right now, but it honestly does, when it happened to me i did what every mother does i concentrated on the kids first and then when they had started to settle i went back to college to gain a career that i had gave up when we had kids, i slowly got friends back and started to have a social life, eventually i found that i didn't miss him at all, i enjoyed myself, i found me, fuck that sounds corny, but now i am happier than i have ever been.

For now do what you can to get by, sort out the finical side of things, gather all the paper work, find a good solicitor, go and spend time with your family, let them help you, and defo go see a doctor, i suffered horribly with anxiety after the wanker left, gp gave me medication that helped and i didn't need it longterm x

avocadogreen · 05/04/2014 11:37

Thank you all. i will see how I am in a week or two and then think about going to the doctors. After my mum.passed away I was very down and was given antidepressants and I really didn't get on with them. I hated the unnatural feeling of happiness they gave me if that makes sense, and I found they made my moods go up and down like a rollercoaster.

Waiting for our friends to turn up today who are staying for the weekend. The trip was planned ages ago, I had to call and break the news about what happened but bless them they are coming anyway. The cavalry! At least the kids will be distracted by their friends and I will have company to cry into my bottle of wine with tonight Smile

OP posts:
avocadogreen · 05/04/2014 11:41

By the way I am taking on board all the financial advice thank you. Don't think I can afford a solicitor but I will go to CAB next week. Meanwhile I am hoarding the little bit of cash I have coming in from some freelance proofreading that I do in my own account, while continuing to spend from the joint account for groceries etc.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/04/2014 11:59

Hope your visitors are good company for you and a handy distraction for the DCs.