anyone up? anyone at all?

[avocadogreen]

Found out tonight DH has been seeing someone. Every time I try to go to sleep I start crying. Feels like my heart is breaking. I have to be up in 2 hours to take the kids to school and pretend everything is ok.

Sorry for typos. I told him I felt like I didn't kniw hin anymore. That I didn't know where this is coming from. That I think he is stressed out from the new job and not thinking clearly. I also asked if he had spoken to any of his real friends about this, not just his new work friends. Turns out he hasn't. What a surprise.

He said he loves me but ' not in that way' . I took his key and bolted the door. Then called my sister and drank wine.

So that was his further explaining, was it?

Well what a knob. I know you're not going to necessarily agree yet, but you will.

Well done for standing your ground on the duvet, and in all seriousness don't be surprised if the "friend" turns out to be the OW (happened the same way to me)

So very sorry :(

Thank you for listening. It actually makes me feel better to hear strangers on the internet call him a knob .

I think I have just made it too easy for him to take me for granted. I'm just always here, with the kids, picking up the slack.

My sister called him a knob too. And a wanker.

Surprising how many people hide their acting talent for so long, when they tell you how unhappy they've been, implying how bravely they struggled on. Which makes you re-examine everything, did I really go about my life thinking everything was going so well. It could be true occasionally but he's bluffing - trying to convince you he's not pulled the rug out from under your feet, it isn't out of the blue as far as he's concerned!

He has an advantage over you because he's way ahead in planning this. It's temporary though because you'll catch on fast.

Sounds like you've got the measure of what he's really like. And I think you're right to start shutting him out, both literally and metaphorically. If he starts stropping about not being allowed in the house or not having free rein to see the children when he likes, remember he made the choice to put OW ahead of his children and everything else.

Don't feel you have to keep his sordid secrets BTW- if friends (including his) ask why you've separated, feel free to tell them he's decided he prefers the company of predatory vampires other women to his family.

I too suspect the 'friend' is the OW but...once he turns up and is there to stay, the bloom will soon come off the rose as it were! She doesn't sound too classy either, what with the love bite and all!
I would bet my bra strap he won't be with her in four months and he has casually thrown you and your DCs aside for..what? Pathetic!
Be strong, plough your own furrow, be the better person throughout. He is a knob!

Yet again it's the early hours that are the hardest. At least I have slept a bit. I don't think he is staying wirh the other woman right now, if that's what you mean. Though I am sure he is in contact with her.

It's the casual throwing away/writing off of our whole life together that I don't understand. I always thought we were so close. I can distinctly remember him saying as much- we've had some bad luck financially.recently and I rembwr him saying how at least we had each other, that our relationship was the one thing that didn't change, etc.

We moved house 6 moths ago. Complete relocation to somewhere 'better' for the kids. I quit my job ti move here, with the idea that when DC2 starts school in sept I will find something else. More fool me.

I really feel for you. I'm up in the middle of the night going over and over a conversation I had earlier with my husband. He had an affair with a young child free work colleague. My fault apparently as I put kids, work, running the house first. He did go to her but has spent months pretending not to. Begging me to take him back. Finally found out he's still seeing her. I've been with him nearly 15 years too. What's wrong with these men. They throw it all away for an ego massage. Husband is now rewriting history saying we should have divorced ages ago as he wasn't happy. This was the man who a year ago was saying so glad I married you. Hate the fact they justify affairs by saying they haven't felt right for years. Lies to justify pathetic behaviour

I'm so tempted to tell someone. Anyone. Any of our good friends who have known us for years, who would be shocked to the core and tell him what an idiot he's being. I told him yesterday to at least speak to one of his real friends- one of the many people who have known us for years, as a couple, someone married with kids, not one of his new 25 year old 'mates' from work. But he hasn't and I don't think he will, as that will make it real (and they would probably knock his block off).

Hey. I am in another time zone. You are no fool. You must still be in shock though. He is a disloyal, selfish prick. He will definitely live to regret his actions but that is down the line. For now you have to go through it. I think the advice to tell as many people as possible in RL is good. People will absolutely want to support you.

I feel for you. It must be especially hard as you are in a new place without support close by and the OW is conveniently at his workplace. (how original). You seem to be quite clear headed and resilient. Is this the time to gather all the financial peperwork etc.??

Onmyown sorry to hear you are goimg through this too. That's the thing that really hurts isn't it, taking away all these happy memories by claiming they weren't happy all along.

Bringmetea thank you. I wish someone would bring me tea . I guess tomorrow might be a good time to go through paperwork etc. Transfer some money to my own account. Ebay some stuff so I can gather together a tiny little nest egg.

I haven't a clue what I might be entitled to in terms of finance- he is a higher rate tax payer so we don't even get child benefit. Do you think I could just call the cb people tomorrow and ask for it to be reinstated?

Hi. Sorry I don't know anything about the cb system. However lots of posters on here do and I am sure one will be up soon!

I also think hanging on to a goal like completing a pgce is a good idea. It might not be this year but you can pick a date and aim for it. As you say, financial independence and a rewarding career sounds wonderful and achievable.

Do you know when next you will see him? Do you want to see him? Try to take some time to think about what you would like to happen next. (I know from experience that I preferred distraction from heartache but it always comes back to the surface eh?)

You can and will get through this Avocado. Here, for you.

Another one joining in to say he is a total jerk and idiot. Well done to you for being so clear and strong.

Isn 't it horrible that we're here in the middle of the night unable to sleep knowing these selfish pricks are probably enjoying a deep guilt free sleep. I think it is a good idea to see what you're entitled to. Now he's not in the family home you 'll probably be surprised at what you're entitled to. Look into doing your pgce. This is really hard but I've found that by focusing on me not him and his nubile young girlfriend ( who can't be that marvellous or she wouldn't have gone near a married man) it gets easier. You sound like you're worth so much more than this. Looking at my 4 year old who has got into bed with me. I could never have split up his family for the sake of the thrill of new love. It's pathetic. For me once it was done it felt as if I saw him for the weak, selfish idiot he was. There was no going back ( although I did try for a bit) stay strong x

I just looked up the cb thing, apparently I can get it reinstated any time. As the higer rate tax payer, it is up to him to declare it for tax reasons, if we end up staying together (which I can't see happening). So I think for now I will just take the money!

I don't know when I will see him again. He said something about seeing the kids at the weekend. I am at the point where I don't want to see him. I want him to have time for the reality of what he has done to sink in.

We were supposed to be having some friends staying this weekend- a couple, with kids the same age. I don't know if I should cancw. Would love to see them, but I imagine it would be hideously awkward for them to turn up in the middle of all this.

*cancw= cancel. Bleary eyed typing in the dark!

I'd tell your friends, have them to stay. Get the support you need

All I can think of.is getting through this one day at a time for the kids. Then.on friday they break up and I can take them away if I want to. I had various things planned for them next week- playdates, a trip to the theatre, a holiday club one day for the older one. All things to try and help them settle in here in our new town. That's all I've been trying to do lately. But it's nothing that can't be cancelled and I at least have various friends we could stay with for a few days to have a break from all this.

Onmyown I might call the woman of the couple and explain, maybe she could come on her own with the kids. The bloke is lovely, but I could see he mught be tempted to try and make contact with H while they are here in an attempt to 'sort this out' and I dunno, it feels wrong to put other people in the middle.

Sounds like a good plan. I think a good friend to support you will really help. Must be a nightmare to be going through this in a new area

Speaking of friends, one thing that keeps upsetting me- I can't imagine now what our life will look like, when all the dust settles. Like a lot of people.our age, I guess our friendships, our social life, is all based around couples, similar age, with kids, who we have known for years. We get together, we have weekends, we go camping etc. And now what. Will these people have to pick a side? Will the camping trips etc carry in but with him and the OW instead of me?

And something else- should I stay here? The DC are finally settled and their new school is brilliant. It is a beautiful place to live and for them to grow up. But it's far from my family (close to his!) and far from my good friends. Although how I would go about moving with no job or money I have no idea.

I agree with you when you said you are taking one day at a time. Try to focus on small goals that you need to achieve in a short time frame, and not on how things will be months/years down the line.

If your children are settled and happy in a good school I would lean towards leaving them where they are if possible.

just found your thread. so sorry avacado it is still so raw take it a day at a time. I'd keep your Easter plans as the kids needs normality as much as possible. so do you.

its so hard when u feel you've been living a lie and then you question for how long that was. you will go through so many emotions. you sound really strong right now and telling people will in time become easier. you and dcs will come out the other side and you will find happiness x