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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

anyone up? anyone at all?

188 replies

avocadogreen · 31/03/2014 04:41

Found out tonight DH has been seeing someone. Every time I try to go to sleep I start crying. Feels like my heart is breaking. I have to be up in 2 hours to take the kids to school and pretend everything is ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
avocadogreen · 01/04/2014 17:03

I would never stop him seeing them. It's just the way he's so calm about it that bugs me.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/04/2014 17:44

Maybe he thinks it's somehow morally acceptable because his DB did it?

I resisted commenting about the lovebite earlier but honestly. If he follows that sort of brazen audacity with the "You and I just grew in different directions blah blah life is complicated" speech you can laugh in his face. Nothing 'complicated' about keeping it in his trousers until he'd had the decency to address any marital issues with you first.

hamptoncourt · 01/04/2014 17:59

As PP have said, ensure you have the DC all ready with shoes on at the door when he is expected. Do not allow him to play happy families in your home.

KeatsiePie · 02/04/2014 03:23

Nothing 'complicated' about keeping it in his trousers until he'd had the decency to address any marital issues with you first.

Well put!

Glad someone found the script, I looked for it the other day for you but couldn't find it. Had forgotten about the rewriting history part. Does anyone have a link to the whole thing? It's depressing, but I can imagine it would be good to be able to see what's probably coming.

And glad you're making sure you're financially secure. You sound very brave Thanks

Original poster
avocadogreen · 02/04/2014 07:26

Hello again... not sure about brave, I am feeling very lost and confused at the moment. All this talk of a script...I think I need one for me!

I am having trouble explaining to the DC. Last night my 7yo DD asked why did you kick daddy out? I asked where she had heard those words but she wouldn't say. But she did say that daddy had told them he was staying somewhere else for a few days because he 'did something that mummy didn't like'. So now in their eyes I am the one who sent him away. Great.

He is coming over tonight to put them to bed. I know some of you say that's the wrong thing to do, but I know it will make the DC happy, and anyway by the time he gets here it will be their bedtime.

So a question... do I ask if he's been in contact with the OW? If he's slept with her now? It's the one thing I've been going over and over in my mind. I just want to know. But then I think would he even tell me the truth anyway?

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/04/2014 07:33

You don't. The answer won't be worth it. It's likely a yes so it'll just hurt you even more.

I know you say him coming over is helping the DCs but are you sure you're not giving yourself extra 'hits' of him which are making it harder to start healing etc?

Thanks
InflatableBrick · 02/04/2014 07:34

Don't ask him anything. He will lie.

NMFP · 02/04/2014 07:34

No, don't ask him anything. You'll either hear something you don't want to hear or you won't believe him anyway.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/04/2014 07:54

Don't ask. Try and be as detached as you can.

He is infatuated with love bite lil and you need to protect yourself. Have you seen a solicitor? The more moves you make towards formalizing things, the more chance you have of waking him up.

I would say to your daughter matter of factly, 'daddy did something that married people aren't supposed to do and that hurt mummy'.

He really is a twat.

Charlie97 · 02/04/2014 07:55

Do not ask, there is no good answer, if he answers honestly and says yes, it will hurt. If he lies and says no, it will hurt.

Sorry he has been such a shit.

Also, if he is feeding the DC thoughts of you kicked him out, I would be having very very strong words!

You're doing great, keep going.

Thanks
Original poster
avocadogreen · 02/04/2014 07:55

Fuck. I can't do this. Just cried in front of the kids. I can't believe my life is falling apart. We need to leave for school run in 30 mins.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/04/2014 08:00

You can. Don't worry about being a bit late. Could you stop by the office and let them know the score? The kids prob need some support too.

It's not your fault Thanks

Inertia · 02/04/2014 08:06

I agree, he is trying to make you the bad guy.

At 7 she could understand the idea that daddy left because he did something you are not supposed to do when you are married - and if she presses, you might want to say that Daddy chose to get a new girlfriend and there's nothing any of you or the dc could have done. This isn't dragging the children in to the argument - she might be unjustly blaming her own behaviour.

TheOrchardKeeper · 02/04/2014 08:12

That's fine Avacado Thanks

You're only human. Don't beat yourself up. Just take each day as it comes and feel however you need to feel. Don't fight it. If you need to cry, cry. I hate crying in front of DS too but we all do it from time to time, whatever the cause may be.

You're doing well already. All you have to do is keep going forward, even if it feels like you're stumbling around in the dark, you'll still be moving in the right direction Brew

TheOrchardKeeper · 02/04/2014 08:17

Also agree that he's been a bit sly there and could've worded that better to your DD Thanks Hmm

christine44 · 02/04/2014 08:26

My friend told her dd that daddy had been kissing and cuddling someone else. I tthought that was quite a good way of explaining to a child. So sorry for all you are going through. Stay strong and remember you have done nothing wrong

mummytime · 02/04/2014 08:48

You do need to nip it in the bud "that you kicked him out because he did something you didn't like". BECAUSE she could then worry that if she doesn't wipe her feet on the door mat that you might "kick her out" - children can be that literal.

So you need to make it clear to her that you will always love her. That adults don't kick children out. And that he did something bad that married people can't do to each other. (The kissing and cuddling seems quite good as long as they know Daddy can still kiss and cuddle them.)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/04/2014 08:58

How stupid is he?

I would ask him to refrain from putting ideas in the DCs' heads because the last thing they need to hear at this age is they risk banishment for misbehaving - but add that if he prefers you to explain you were upset because Daddy was kissing and cuddling another "lady" you will oblige.

Ivehearditallnow · 02/04/2014 12:11

Ruskin 'Lovebit Lil' Grin

OP - I'd definitely talk to school. I couldn't believe how helpful my DS' teacher was when I was in this position. The school office ladies are v gossipy in the school though, but if yours are discrete I'd see if they can be understanding RE lateness.

As for saying things like being 'kicked out' and 'I did something mummy didn't like' - what an absolute fucking MORON. My dad did this to me when I was a kid - he did a sob story about how my mum had thrown him out (I was 7) and was moaning about how he was in a flat with no saucepans! I went home and shouted at my mum because dad had nothing to cook with! It wasn't till years later I realised Dad had been shagging my now stepmum...
My poor mum must have been mortified! I would explain to your 'D'H explicitly that he is not to use the kids to get sympathy or take sides. Angry

As much as you may feel like 'the bad guy' if they are missing dad and he is saying stupid/irresponsible things to them now... if the split is permanent they will think he is a toad when you are eventually able to explain what happened (they will ask at some point when they are older if you do split). Will never forget how angry I felt at my dad when my mum explained why 'poor' daddy moved out... I wanted to ring his neck.

ormirian · 02/04/2014 12:23

"Daddy met someone else he loved more than mummy".

Simple, to-the-point, and doesnt place blame.

Ivehearditallnow · 02/04/2014 12:35

Not sure that's the case though, here...

Also, it sends a message that people are replaceable. I suppose they are ultimately. Hmm. I just went with 'Daddy has decided he wants to live in his own house.'.

Cake
Lweji · 02/04/2014 12:47

I think I would own up to the fact that you kicked him out.

Yes, he did something very serious that you did not like and it meant that you could not live with him as husband and wife, but he will always be their dad.

Original poster
avocadogreen · 02/04/2014 14:06

Ok... he has finally admitted he is with the OW. And says we are definitely over, he wants to move on (but he will always love me, of course Hmm)

I rearranged the contact, he is now picking kids up from school, taking them for food then dropping them home. So I will not let him in.

I am feeling much better and in control actually. So what's the next part of the script? Grin

OP posts:
InflatableBrick · 02/04/2014 14:10

I'm sorry.

InflatableBrick · 02/04/2014 14:11

The next bit is that when he sees you moving on he won't like it one bit. He may start feigning depression or any other mental illness. Ignore him.