anyone up? anyone at all?

[avocadogreen]

Found out tonight DH has been seeing someone. Every time I try to go to sleep I start crying. Feels like my heart is breaking. I have to be up in 2 hours to take the kids to school and pretend everything is ok.

Just had to post after I read about your husband saying he was playing the role of a dad and provider. My H said that exact same thing word for word when I discovered his affair. He was also unapologetic and claimed he'd been unhappy for years and any 'normal' person would have noticed. He's since left to 'have some space' leaving me with angry and confused kids while he presumably shags his way round the office.

Quiteso it's ridiculous isn't it. I've been playing the role of mum for the past seven years in that case. Oh wait... maybe that's because I am a mum.

DD has already asked when he is coming back. And said she heard us arguing last night. This is not what I wanted for them.

Okay he is working from "The Script" (TM Mumsnet - well should be, would be a good way to finance the site).

He is at the re-writing history page.
He may still be feeling a bit of guilt. If he is then take as much as you can now, because soon he will have written that out and believe he is entitled to whatever he (and OW) want. So you and the kids find it hard to eat properly while he goes on a luxury holiday? Isn't he entitled to some happiness?

So take plenty of money from joint accounts etc. To tide you over for the next while. Make sure you know bank account no.s, insurance, other investments and so on.

CAB can help you work out what you are entitled to.
Start looking for a solicitor, and get some legal advice.

Don't rush into anything. Keep eating (soup is good, slimfast or similar if you can't keep anything down).
Do tell people. Even Mums at the school gate may have useful contacts (several at my DCs school are family law solicitors), the Mums network will help you now. You can always re-pay when things get better.

Tell your friends - do not allow it to be a secret any longer.

I would also tell your children something child appropriate. Two of Everything might help if you are stuck.

And I would be telling RL friends.

You will need their support.

Sorry to hear this. Yes, agree with telling people. This is his secret not yours and you need family/friend support. plus it will burst his stupid bubble sooner.

I would start with something like..'DH came home with a love bite, it seems hes been seeing a staff member. we are spending some time apart.'

Ahh... 'THE SCRIPT'
Here we go then.
Re-writing history.
Taking away all the memories and good times.
It's just him making excuses for his behaviour.

If he talks about it a bit further down the line he will no doubt 'minimise' everything.
We only kissed - OK we did a bit more than that - OK we had sex but only once - OK we have been having sex for a month - OK, we've been seeing each other for 6 months - etc......

Time to get practical for now - gives you something to focus on as well.
CAB and then CSA.

Definitely go away and get some support during the holidays.
This is going to be a horrible time for you and the kids and you need to do what's best for all of you.
If that means being near family and friends again, then so be it.
If you like where you are and you have some support then that's good as well.

Keep hydrated at least - drink water.
And do what ever you need to do to look after yourself.
Get everyone to rally around. No way would I have made it through without my friends and family around.
They are your rocks right now. Use them as much as you need to.

Sorry he's being such a twat. Just know, it's not you - It's all him!

we've had some bad luck financially ... We moved house 6 moths ago. Complete relocation to somewhere 'better' for the kids.

I hate to say this but how long do you think he's been seeing OW? Is she local to where you are now? Are you sure that the run of financial bad luck wasn't a way for him to set aside a little nest egg for a separate fresh start for himself?

Wow... I had heard the script mentioned on MN before...it is scarily accurate. Taking away the good memories is exactly right.

Donkeys, do I think this is all part of some huve machiavellian plot? No I don't. I think we both decided to move here, based on the promise of this fantastic job in a wonderful location that we have always wanted to live in. Then the job turned out to be a hideous pressure cooker, I have never seen him so stressed with work. He hated it. And his head was turned by a pretty girl who 'understands' him because she hates the boss too. And now he's trying to justify himself by saying he was unhappy all along.

The good news is... I took DS to toddler group. It was good to get out. Don't know anyone there particularly well so I could just feel normal.

Plan for this afternoon is take DS to preschool, then go shopping for some easy meals for me and the DC...pasta, beans, innocent veg pots. Then call to get my child benefit reinstated. We stopped it because he is a higher rate tax payer.

The friends I have told have been lovely. Can't bring myself to tell any local friends yet.

So how are you feeling today avocado?
What are you plans for the rest of the day?

Don't let him re-write history.
They are your memories, it was your life and it was real.
However he tries to justify his sordid little affair, that is him and not you.

avocado sorry not trying to make a drama out of a crisis. I agree it does sound melodramatic but stranger things have actually happened.

Fwiw I think I might start quietly informing close friends not in an effort to force people to 'pick sides' but to dispel any notion H has that it will all seamlessly move from What Went Before to H + OW and avocado with DCs somewhere in the middle.

Donkeys don't worry I can see how from the outside it might look like a possibility. But I know him. And I can see exactly how it happened. It's just so bloody pathetic.

I do need to tell some friends, I think you are right. It's going to be tough as it will make it real.

hellsbells I am actually feeling ok. Maybe that's just down to DS being his lovely self sat on my knee watching Thomas while I drink endless tea.

Please share this with real life people. Not everyone - I am not suggesting you take out an ad in the local paper or issue a tear-stained rant on FB, but tell a few people that you feel safe with. You need support and it won't be possible to pretend everything is OK for very long.

What he said translates to

"I am feeling stressed. I am miserable. It is your fault for not making me happy. It's your fault for daring to be a mother to OUR kids and not putting me before the children. You didn't make it alright, you didn't worship the ground I walked on...she does. She tells me I am the most amazing man in the world and any woman should be grateful to have me. Yes, I know I didn't communicate my unhappiness before but I didn't realise I was unhappy until she appeared to make me reaaallly happy by treating me like Golden Bollocks. Eh? What about your feelings? You can't expect me to care about that when I was sooo unhappy"

Twat! Sorry

I suspect he will change his mind and come back crying. But that is irrelevant. You get to decide what happens now x

Hi, de-lurking to say I'm sorry you've had this terrible shock.

Lovebites? Are they 15? It all sounds so naff - I'm relieved to see that you've managed to stay classy -ok you threw a phone at him... but I probably would have been trying to throw the sofa it was me

I think telling your friend who is meant to be coming to stay is a good idea too.

ormirian you have got it in one! ivehearditall, the lovebite thing is ridiculous. I mean, who does that? I am sure that she did it on purpose.

Well I have re-registered for child benefit, it was surprisingly easy. I guess if he still keeps this house as his address he might end up liable to repay it through his tax at the end of the year, but that's his problem. It's 143 a month that I didn't have before.

Yay! So the are on you!

When will you see 'D'H again?

Just realized the two biscuits look a bit like tits... whoops

He wants to come after work one day this week to see them. He's been texting asking if there is anything we need.

I honestly think he expects us to just happily carry in being, I dunno, co parents or something. His brother is divorced and is now on very good terms with his ex, they've met each others partners, it's all very civil. He forgets the years of bitterness that came before they got to this point. And how he said he would never do that to his kids.

at the tit biscuits.

Sounds like he's gone a bit bonkers... I would put money on him crying he's been a fool etc in time to come, but ultimately it's up to you isn't it and what YOU want.

You sound really brave and smart - I'd probably be wandering the streets wailing! x

He's about as selfish as they come. It's all about him and his needs. Has he asked if you are okay or coping even once??

Given that you gave up such a lot for him and his career, I would move back to where your friends and family are, and where your children have friends too. All that will be of more value to you and the DC than staying at their current primary school but with you having no support.

Do you own or rent your house (as that will make a difference as to what to do re moving)?

If he comes to see the kids, make it clear that he has to take them out, and isn't going to come in. "It is better for them to not get confused."

Yes do let him pick up the kids and take them out. They need a relationship with their father and get used to the idea that they will see him away from your home.

Access needs to be organised and regular rather than ad hoc though - to create stability for the DC.