anyone up? anyone at all?

[avocadogreen]

Found out tonight DH has been seeing someone. Every time I try to go to sleep I start crying. Feels like my heart is breaking. I have to be up in 2 hours to take the kids to school and pretend everything is ok.

He has texted saying things like 'I want us to find a way to make both our lives work' and 'I have some more explaining to do'.

I think he's leaving me for her. Fuck, I thought he'd grovel and then I would be the one to decide.

You have behaved with dignity.

One day you will remember that and be quietly proud of yourself.

It hurts now though. I'm so sorry.

Dignity? I haven't slept or washed in over 24 hours. All I've eaten is the kids' leftover weetabix. I'm sat here trying to do some work and I'm due at school in an hour to help with the trip. I'm fucked. But thank you though. Amazingly I haven't shouted or screamed yet.

You are behaving very well, he is being a twat who has had his head turned. Ask him to leave and say you don't know what will happen or if you could ever forgive him. If he wants to go, he'll go anyway and if there's any hesitation in what he's doing (which there might be, he might rock up to work and she's horrified he's left his wife) this will bring it out.

Don't cling to him, cry to your friends, on here and to your family. Just let him go if that's what he wants.

A love bite is very juvenile, I do think they were trying to let you know it's so obvious.

Nobody has to know about the weetabix (except us and we won't tell)

You are going to get through this

Can you ring someone at school to see if they can manage without you today? You're going to be shattered this afternoon.

Stay home, run a lovely deep warm bath and be extra kind to yourself.

He's a shit and doesn't deserve you.

DD will be disappointed if I don't go... it's just a walk to some local church, should be ok. Will avoid the other mums.

I mean, a lovebite, on mothers day, for fucks sake!? Though it happened on friday and I didn't notice it til sun, maybe that just goes to prove how little attention I paid to him. The twat.

Anyway, time to eat and shower. Will be back later I am sure. Thank you

TBH I think you did well to eat anything. Take it one step at a time he may want to just tell you everything I'm not sure you'll want to hear it now don't assume he is telling you he's leaving you.

He has behaved appallingly but you are now in control of your future. keep being strong.

Don't go away until he is out of your house! (And maybe get an extra lock of security?)

Don't worry if he does go to her, it still may well not work out. At some point you may well have him come crawling back, but by then you will have moved on. (Day to day reality is nothing like as exciting as "forbidden love").

What an utter cock.
And what a horrible thing to find out on Mothers Day!

It's amazing how often this happens at the 15 year stage.
I read that on here regularly and also happened to me around that time.

I hope you went on the trip and it took your mind off of it a bit?

This is a horrible time. Unsure of your feelings or what you want.
Basically you are in shock.
Don't rush into anything other than getting him out of your head space to allow you some time to really think about what YOU want from this.

Lots of us have been where you are and it doesn't get any easier in the short term.

My top tips - firstly, get some real life support. Without that you will drive yourself mad thinking things over. It's so much better to talk to someone else.

Try to look after yourself. Bananas and soups will be your friends for a while. Also sugary tea helped me a lot.

Do NOT worry about what anybody else thinks. So many people will understand and want to be there for you.

This is his shame entirely. Do not try to protect him from it.

Just in case, you could also find out you stand legally. Contact CAB and CSA and see what you would be entitled to if you did separate.

You are now going to go through all kinds of emotions. Find the anger though. That will help.

I think you're doing brilliantly. If telling him to leave pushes him in to her arms, then it was always going to be that way (although, you'd have been doing his laundry and making his bed and cleaning his toilet or whatever in the meantime).

You're quite possibly still in shock over the discovery. Be prepared for that to change quite suddenly.

He has more explaining to do, does he? that'll be more along the lines of "I've worked out a story that should keep avocado happy enough while I sort out what I want to do" - or it could be more of a confessional to assuage his own feelings of guilt, which could just be heartbreaking for you.

FWIW, I wouldn't believe he hasn't slept with her. They all say that. It's usually a lie.

Get him out - if he goes to her, then you know where you stand (which is a whole lot better than waiting for him "to decide" and him still fucking off and leaving you, or worse, staying with you but still seeing her on the side). It might not be ideal but at least it's honest, and in all fairness, you need some of that now otherwise you go mad imagining things.

I agree you need to see a professional to work out what's likely to happen if you do split, and how to safeguard your interests in the best way.

So sorry he's done this to you. What a selfish twat. :(

Hope you get through the field trip okay. Glad you got him out so you can take your time thinking.

If there's more to explain let him talk don't fill the gaps. Confused oh really? and you're hunky dory?

Will it just push them together if I go around making ultimatums?

He wasn't pushed when all this started OP he jumped. So no I don't think anything you do at this stage will 'push' them together. That is something someone says out of spite later on, "If only you hadn't done X or said Y..." as if somehow it's all your responsibility.

He was right about you being a great mother, you will be looking out for your DCs not just caring about number one.

Hope you have rl support and if not vent on here.

My STBXH did the same to me two years ago. A younger colleague at work. He did move in with her after a lot of mess. But looking back I think he would have done that anyway whether I asked him to stay or not. He was so loved up it was like being with a teenager.

Just take each hour and don't look to far ahead or make plans yet. Small steps and look after yourself and the children. It does get better. I now look at my STBXH and think you knob - just look at what you lost for a bit of attention.

You're doing brilliantly.

Don't not ask him to go incase he goes to her. If he goes it'll happen anyway. If he is truly sorry he's not go within an inch of her for fear of the repercussions.

Space and time to reflect is so important right now for you. Seriously, it's the best bit of advice I can give you.

Look after yourself
X

Thank you all. The trip was good, I was able to make chit chat and play with the kids as if nothing was happening. Took the kids to sainsburys cafe for tea, couldn't face cooking. The feelings just keep coming in waves, one minute I'm fine the next I'm fighting back tears. My 3yo DS said 'mummy stop making that sad face'.

He has arranged to stay with a friend, supposedly he is coming after work to get some things. No idea what time. I have bolted the door so at least he can't just let himself in without knocking.

You're doing so well OP. Have you told anyone in RL?

Only my best friend who lives miles away. After speaking to her I was all fired up to spend today applying for a pgce, something I have wanted to do for years, so that I can provide for my kids. Instead I spent most of the day under the duvet.

Don't have any close friends locally really, plenty of school gate mums to say hi to and have coffee occasionally but that's it. We only moved here 6 months ago. For his fucking job.

Oh love, I'm so sorry.
Hope it goes ok later.

That's okay! You have to take care of yourself and that includes giving yourself time to just be quiet. So glad the talk with your BF helped, that energy will come back to you and you can apply tomorrow.

Good luck tonight. I agree with everyone, you're doing so so well.

Good job bolting the door.

Really crap time you're having i'm sorry. Really would recommend telling more people in RL. Could you tell your sister.

I'd pack him a bag and leave it on the step.

Good job bolting the door.

Really crap time you're having i'm sorry. Really would recommend telling more people in RL. Could you tell your sister.

I'd pack him a bag and leave it on the step.

How has it gone OP?

He came- annoyungly while I was out in the garden with the DC so he didn't notice the bolted door.

He put them to bed like nothing was wrong. Then we 'talked'. He doesn't seem apologetic. He says he's felt this way for a few years (coincidentally since DC1 was born) that he was just playing the role of dad and provider, that we weren't close etc. That it took meeting someone new to 'open his eyes' but it isn't just because of her that this has happened.

I admit I threw a phone at him. And refused to let him take the spare duvet to his friend's house, on
the grounds that the kids like it whule they watch tv.