Just found out my partner has been in prison

[Milly101]

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

OP cannot be in any part of UK, all all the home nation jurisdictions have GBH as a possible charge.

Sorry that's very flippant. It might bother me but situation dependant I could make peace with it.

I think OP was having different reservations about this man only recently. He doesn't sound much of a catch.

TimeForAnotherNameChange - Yes there has to be an intention to kill but that does not mean he had the intention. To get a sentence of only 5 years he must have played a minor role. That strongly suggests he was not the person actually making the attempt.

If you are present when A murders B and don't do anything to stop A you are also guilty of murder (simplified a little but it will do for this discussion). Similarly if A and B are in a fight with C and A tries to kill C, B may also be guilty of attempted murder even though he had no intention to kill C and did not attempt to do so.

Milly
You have been dating him for 18 months plus, and have recently bought a home together. He has always been calm and loving towards you and has shown no signs of temper or violence.
1.Did you know him prior to dating, if so how long for and what was he like?
2.Do you know his friends/family? how would they view his personality in the intervening years; since his crime/release from prison and the present day.Which covers a 10 years period.

You have checked the media coverage of the crime and it matches what he has told you. It is possible that he has changed and did not tell you for fear of losing you and feelings of shame. Which was wrong as he should have let you make an informed decision concerning a long term relationship together.

However he may well have changed. He has served his sentence and rebuilt his life. Redemption is important where it is appropriate,
and people have shown the capacity for positive change.

As for laughing it of and changing the subject when it came out over dinner with his brother. Well he may have been embarrassed and felt the dinner party was not the place to address the situation. That once in private he did acknowledge what had happened and talked openly seems to be a fair reaction.

The answers to 1 and 2 would be important to me.

saintly - yes I agree with you re fights with men in 20's. I mixed with some of these men as a teen - didn't actually date them but certainly could've done. I knew them through a friend of mine, whose older brother (by about 7 years) mixed with these dodgy men. My mum, of course (I was 14/15) went mad and tried everything under the sun to get me to stay away from them.

My brother (he and I are not proud of this) was in with a wrong crowd for a while, fights etc... but never convicted of anything but he deeply regrets this now and is married and hasn't fought (or thought about it) for years.

I also think, from what he's told me - if you wanted to seriously harm someone you would do (eg knife etc), but a fight can just be fists and to make a point and in self defence.

Meep - to me any definition of 'good' in a person includes honesty. He has not been honest.

Being in fights in bars isn't normal. We should not seek to normalise any kind of violence (which some people here seem to be trying to do).

I don't know any person who has been in any kind of fight at all.

So, the OP can't be in the UK but they are discussing the Max Clifford trial? Can't imagine why that would interest people outside the UK particularly, but there we are.

I actually think I could be with someone who killed another person depending on the specific circumstances (ie, accidentally, self-defence) and total and honest full disclosure as soon as the relationship was becoming in any way serious. I don't think I could be with someone who pled guilty to attempted murder but certainly not someone who lied or hid it from me, or who laughed it off when their brother raised it.

Milly has said they dont have GBH or ABH where she lives. So I am not sure what offence gives you a sentence of attempted murder- it may be not the same as it is in the UK.

Milly in your shoes I would probably accept that ppl can change for the better; BUT I would keep my parachute ready. That is, make absolutely sure you don't become dependent on him, financially or otherwise. Just in case things change later, for instance if you have kids and he is tired and feeling left out.

NotNewButNameChanged - I'd missed the bit where she said GBH is not available where she is. I had presumed she was in the UK. The information I've given is drawn from the UK sentencing guidelines.

Really prh? That shocks me in a way, I'd have thought and hoped that our justice system would be able to distinguish between those present and even involved, and those committing that actual named offence. I mean, attempted murder, that's just about as serious an intention as one can have, so why are the authorities able to charge people with it in circumstances such as you suggest, where that intention doesn't exist for that individual?

prh Yes, I thought they were, but the OP does not appear to be in the UK, based on the lack of GBH and ABH being 'available' so you can't really use the UK figures to say whether he sentence was lenient or harsh or that it reflected what he may or may not have done.

Fair you shouldn't make such a blanket statement about not knowing anyone who hasn't been in any kind of a fight at all. It seems a sheltered (if envied by me) life.

I agree that fighting in bars isn't normal but when I was younger (one occasion) the pub I drank in suddenly had a mass fight (everyone turned on everyone else!). but the area then (25 years ago) was FAR rougher than it is now. Now (my mum still lives there, I moved back near there 5 years ago) it is chi chi and has a 'village' feel to it. areas are rough/not so rough/naice and they can change easily and the rougher people move out.

It must be so much to get your head round.

All I'd say is that if, now or in the future, you find yourself afraid of his behaviour or of what he was (is?) capable of, or if you find your own behaviour changing towards him through worry about what could happen, then I'd think about leaving.

A normal relationship shouldn't contain worry about your personal safety. It sounds like it's been fairly normal so far, apart from not telling you about it all. That, I would have wanted to know.

There must be a similar offence to ABH/GBH where OP is from just she is not telling us.

Maybe run through a list of horrific things (make sure he's never stamped on a puppy or kicked an old lady up the bum) - seems like he's not going to readily volunteer stuff up to you, so best draw up a check list.

Notnew - the discussion was with his family - they could be expats...

there's no ABH / GBH in Ireland, but there are equivalent offences so options available on prosecution - eg assault causing harm / assault causing serious harm. Similar but different names and again focussing on the end result as with ABH / GBH

he says he never thinks about never dwells on it and kinda wiped the memory it never crossed his mind to mention it

It never crossed his mind to mention it? Really? Just didn't occur to him eh?

He makes it sound like he got caught shoplifting in Woolies when he was 16.

He either...

a) has taken great pains to hide a violent crime in which he was found guilty of attempted murder and was sentenced to three years in prison for...the details of which he would rather you didn't delve into, for fear of exposure as a twisted, psychopathic bastard.
or
b) he actually does equate it with shoplifting from Woolies, and it genuinely did not occur to him to mention it...in which case he's also a psychopathic bastard.

It would be a dealbreaker for me, sorry.

He's lied to you, for the last 18months.

Time the law is trying to prevent mob behaviour where people behave in an escalatingly worse fashion because their peers are doing likewise and encouraging them to do more. There's been a few cases of gangs seriously injuring and killing bystanders: should only the person who struck the fatal blow be charged?

i would run a mile

I don't know why you're asking tbh. You clearly only want favourable answers, hence your tetchiness when people say things you don't want to hear.

Me I might be able to get past GBH or whatever but not attempted murder.

But it's your funeral

With attempted murder? Depending on the circumstances, Yes, absolutely. There are a myriad of other charges available that cover participation in violent crimes where an intent to murder isn't present in the mind of a given individual.