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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:
Dowser · 01/08/2015 18:09

Oh I remember your story.

Well done on going through with the divorce. Just the settlement to go and then you are truly free.

Well done. Just see this week as a blip.

Dowser · 01/08/2015 18:16

Hope you get home soon . At least by taking them to see his relatives it shows you are prepared to co-operate.

At least he's gone now so you have one big huge piece of stress less.

Thank you for updating. It's always nove to know how people have got on.

Once you get your children home hopefully you don't have to do anything like this again for a good couple of years at least.

DollyTwat · 01/08/2015 18:21

Please Lavender NEVER do anything like this again. Please

AmIbeingTreasonable · 02/08/2015 04:48

Ignore your h. You know that you are NOT being unreasonable at all. He could say the moon is made of green cheese, doesn't make it so.

Just calmly keep stating (notice I said "stating" not discussing) that the children will not be going there. Repeat as necessary.

Remember this, "you do not have to attend every argument that you are invited to".

Granville72 · 02/08/2015 08:58

I'd be inclined to get this visit done and over with BUT only with you in attendance and the children not left alone.

Then, once you're home, stick to your guns, don't let them go again. If the family want to see them then they come to you next time.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 04/08/2015 19:47

Yes, well it was all a giant fuck up as he went back to ME and then his DB threatened me and said he was coming next day with papers as he had authorisation to do so. He shouted and screamed in my face in front of the DC. Who were terrified.

So I left in the night and drove 19 hours and now I'm home.

An still the shit is coming my way.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 04/08/2015 21:27

Oh Lavender Flowers

Glad you're back in the UK. You know you need to speak to your solicitor as a matter of urgency don't you...

FeckTheMagicDragon · 04/08/2015 22:30

Sorry Lavander - what papers was he threatening you with?

It sounds horrible, and you were absolutely right to get home asap!

marriednotdead · 04/08/2015 22:43

Let me guess, still ignoring your divorced status and something to do with Sharia Law and/or custody of your DC's?

The entire family are monsters Angry

NoWeepingBicycleMonkeys · 04/08/2015 22:52

That sounds horrid but at least now you know without a doubt that you can never go there again or allow the children to.

Granville72 · 05/08/2015 15:20

Lessons learnt, don't beat yourself up over it. What is done is done, you can't change that now.

Well done for coming home though. What 'papers' is he threatening you with?

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 05/08/2015 19:58

He's ignoring the papers question, and my lawyer is also interested in this.

Plus he gave dc a puppy which is now in quarantine and I can collect her late August. He also made a pass at me which I rejected in horror and disgust:(

I can't afford to fight him through lawyers, he has money and I don't. It's incredibly stressful.

OP posts:
DustBunnyFarmer · 05/08/2015 20:04

Oh God, Lavender - it all sounds grim. I don't have any useful practical advice, but just know that I'm at your shoulder. What a shower of cunts your ex and his family are! Well done on leaving early and getting back home.

BodminPill · 05/08/2015 20:08

"Plus he gave dc a puppy which is now in quarantine and I can collect her late August."

Do YOU even want a puppy? They are a LOT of work - training, walking, socializing, not to mention the expense. If the answer is no, then best make arrangements for re-homing. He's trying to buy your kids affection and paint you as a baddie if you say "no puppy". Nip this in the bud quick smart, please.

NeitherHereOrThere · 05/08/2015 20:36

Sorry but the puppy will not have been socialised and therefore will have huge issues when it arrives.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 05/08/2015 20:43

im exhausted mentally and physically. I'm back at work tomorrow, and I am working from home so it will be ok re DC. I hope my boss doesn't ask too many questions, I'm hardly employee of the month:(

The puppy is ok, and I can't possibly tell the DC they can't have it. I know it's a lot of work but it will have to be fine.

He is being very awkward and says that dd was only 100 metres from the house alone and no adults aware so it's ok. He must be out of his mind. He is protecting his DM and db, and says I've ruined his mothers birthday. He says the DC and I are liars and his family have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 05/08/2015 21:11

I'm glad you're home. This man has used any good will now surely? No more staying at your house for Xmas. No more organising his schedule for him.

You're DIVORCED
You owe him nothing
It's not as if he's grateful or treats you with the same respect is it?

NeitherHereOrThere · 05/08/2015 21:32

Its probably OK now, but after a month of isolation and missing out on crucial socialisation it won't be Sad

I agree with PPs that this really must be the last time you do this stuff - no more visits.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 06/08/2015 08:20

He just rants on and on about how I ruined his DM birthday and it's all my fault. Everything is my fault.

There nothing I can do about the puppy and I'm sure it will be fine. I can't add that to my list of worries when I can't do anything about it.

OP posts:
Noctilucent · 06/08/2015 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 06/08/2015 18:14

I don't think I'm that passive! And whilst he was there it wasn't that awful. Difficult yes- however at some point the kids will have to go there, and it seemed a good way to help with that, and he isn't allowed their passports.

Why do you say my DM was a narcissist? I wasn't aware I always put up with shitty behaviour. I don't think I do.

It was when he had gone the trouble with his family started. And I left, because it was unacceptable to me.

The puppy is the least of my worries tbh.

OP posts:
Noctilucent · 06/08/2015 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 06/08/2015 19:58

My DM did the best she could, and although she didn't always agree with me, she was till my DM. And no, him behaving like that round her death and funeral was dreadful.

I can't worry about that either. I have more pressing things to worry about, like being homeless.

OP posts:
Noctilucent · 07/08/2015 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringTown46 · 07/08/2015 16:18

So how long is the pup in quarantine for..?

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