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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

OP posts:

MeerkaRIPSirTerry · 26/03/2015 08:39

lavender going through this every holiday will probably stop once the first court thing is over. It -might- happen a second time but probably not. He will threaten to though. Just to scare you.

DO NOT LET HIM TAKE THEM UNLESS THE COURT ACTUALLY ORDERS IT

Please tell me that you have a record of his utter unreliability and unreasonableness and that your solicitor will send that to the court.

Again, remember your strength. You do have so much of it. Honestly. We can see it even if you don't feel strong

Granville72 · 26/03/2015 14:22

Sorry to hear he's still being a cock Lavender, it must be very hard and very draining.

To answer your question, no I don't have a thread about it. I'm dealing with it as best as I can and talking about it only upsets me and I don't wish for my son to see Mummy constantly upset.

I have sought Legal advice though, and because we're not married I basically have very little rights other than my share of the equity in the house once it's sold and child maintenance. This is despite him making me and our 2.5yr old son homeless and putting me out of business.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 26/03/2015 19:27

Why have you changed your hols? PLEASE REMEMBER AND BELIEVE you do not have to do ANYTHING he says. He is not the boss of you. You are still allowing him to bully you and he can only do it because you are allowing it.

Justusemyname · 26/03/2015 19:31

I've just read this whole thread from start to finish though I was in much earlier under a different name.

What a vile abusive prick you have for an ex husband. Your poor children. There really is a reason why some children should be protected for having a relationship at any cost with an abusive parent.

You have achieved so much, stand up to him every single time. He will get bored eventually. Hopefully. Take care.

marriednotdead · 28/03/2015 07:28

Have you looked into a prohibited steps order Lavender?

Assume he has PR as you were married? I wasn't and ex applied after we split. There was a clause added to my PR agreement which banned him from taking her out of the country without my written permission, he would have had to take me back to court to overturn it.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 28/03/2015 09:09

Married, no, but my lawyer is talking to me monday about it all.

He has contacted me via email to tell me he is looking forward to seeing the dc to tell them how horrible I am and of course what a great dad and father he is. He confirms he is taking me to court, but bizarrely it's different from the letter from his lawyer where he makes requests. He says I have one last chance and I must come to the ME so we can all be togeher. I was quite stunned but ignored him. He says he looks forward to seeing me cry when a judge says he can have the dc for weeks at a time abroad as he is their df.

He won't keep to the times or days he is supposed to call, ds doesn't want to talk to him.

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 28/03/2015 12:07

How very helpful of him to put it in an email! The words hoist by his own petard come to mind. Here's hoping.

Perhaps his lawyer would appreciate a copy, 'because you are confused and puzzled as to why he employs them when they tell you such a different story'.

Do take all his poison pen missives with you on Monday, I'm sure they will be useful.

Sorry your DCs have such a horrible person in their lives. Your DS has the right idea.

Keep on going, we are right behind you

MeerkaRIPSirTerry · 28/03/2015 14:06

yes you really must take them to your lawyer.

Lavender ... im sorry but while it may be alarmist, I cant help thinking you need to teach your children what to do if they are abroad with him and if he refuses to bring them back. I think you need to prepare them just in case. Hopefully he wont be allowed to take them abroad and hopefully if he is, nothing will happen. But just in case.

Also, make sure the judge knows that son doesn't want to speak to him. This is vital

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 01/04/2015 07:50

The dc don't want to go either. Ds doesn't even want to spend time with him without me.

He writes now to me as if I've agreed things, such as him taking them abroad. It's messing with my head really badly and I think I'm going mad.

OP posts:

Granville72 · 01/04/2015 08:55

Just keep forwarding it all to your solicitor. Him conveniently putting all this in writing is setting himself up to hang himself in court.

TBH, I wouldn't even read the emails, just forward them on and ignore him. The more you let him control you and play mind games the longer it will keep going on.

MeerkaRIPSirTerry · 01/04/2015 09:08

I think you need to talk to your solicitor to ask if you should tell him once that you do not give permission for him to take them abroad. Just once. Then as granville says, forward everything to the solicitor unread.

You are not going mad, he is screwing with your mind.

Lovely, lovely man ... what was the solicitor's comment on him? the most unreasonable, difficult and obstructive man she'd ever dealt with?

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 07/04/2015 06:42

He has already cancelled seeing the dc one day, and promised to take them and buy presents to make up for it. It's so awful, dealing with this and everything else.

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Granville72 · 08/04/2015 12:33

yes of course, kids need buying off with presents rather than a supportive parent.

Hang in there Lavender.

Granville72 · 22/04/2015 13:56

Thinking of you. Hope all is well x

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 23/04/2015 22:14

Granville, thank you for thinking of me.

I am in the awful place of agreeing financial settlement and the dc access which is proving very awkward. Mainly due to me refusing to allow them to leave the UK. He left two weeks ago and has spoken to the dc once since, and stopped with the destructive and aggressive emails which is relief although it leads me to believe he has had advice.

I'm divorced now though. He won't acknowledge this. My lawyer says it's the strangest divorce case she has ever been involved in, even his smart London lawyers are behaving differently to how she would expect.

I'm struggling a bit with being so alone, no family and just me and the dc. I'm loathe to tell people my troubles, experience with old friends has taught me they'll be off like a shot, so new friends won't be much different I expect!

OP posts:

Granville72 · 24/04/2015 09:42

Well that's good news in one respect that you are now divorced.

I know how you feel about being alone. Me and my son move out next weekend, the house is going through the final stages of sale and I cant stand being here any longer.

Apart from my uncle who is helping us move, I have no one. People I thought were my friends are no where in sight and offering no support.

If you want / need someone to vent to via email or something I'm here to offer support and an ear where I can

GammonAndEgg · 26/04/2015 14:31

I'm checking in too, Lavender. Keep on keeping on!

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 17/05/2015 01:03

How are things Granville? I've been selfishly caught up in my stuff and didn't pm you although I meant to:(

Ex has lied all over his financial declaration, even his bank statements are a tissue of lies. It's going to cost thousands just to get him to fill the bloody form in honestly. Every single line item has to be queried. And that's before I start on his movement of money.

He hasn't called the DC for over a week and they are really upset about it. He leaves " great job DC and how much he loves them all over Facebook though. I don't even use FB and the DC certainly don't. Too young.

He is taking me to court to have the DC abroad for holidays. But mediation first, and not f2f, he will be on FaceTime or Skype. It seems court will also involve him hiring a barrister. He's a nightmare.

OP posts:

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 17/05/2015 01:05

How are things Granville? I've been selfishly caught up in my stuff and didn't pm you although I meant to:(

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Granville72 · 02/06/2015 13:27

Sorry I've not been back sooner but only just got back online properly.

Things are pretty down, house sale completes on Friday and we moved to a rental a month ago. My son has his good and bad days, it's very hard on a 2.5yr old, and hard for me to see him struggling with his emotions.

It's difficult to have a clean break and new start when there is a child involved as the other party is visiting and keeping in touch, which is good for the child, but difficult where feelings are still raw.

I'm sorry to hear you're still having issues with your ex

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 21/06/2015 00:26

It's awfully hard, Granville, but you have to keep going.

My lawyer is reporting his lawyer to the law society as they suggested something so audacious, and so wrong in many ways - she cant formulate a reply. She had been a divorce lawyer for 40 years.

OP posts:

Granville72 · 21/06/2015 08:30

I'm glad your lawyer is stepping up and doing a good job. Hopefully this wont drag on too much longer for you and you'll get a clean start for 2016.

We're going away for a few days tomorrow to the Dorset coast. Some sand castle building and fossil hunting will be fun for my boy and a change of scenery away from here will do us both good.

Original poster

lavenderhoney · 22/07/2015 23:18

Have fucked uo so badly I don't know where to start. Oh and Granville I hope you had a nice hols and things are easier.

Am in Europe with DC as wanted to collect things from house and let DC see dh as he traveled here too, to see family. Massive mistake.

Dh been shouting at me as I won't give in to his demands re the settlement and wants to go to court for DC access and payments

I just want to go home. It's another week though. Even the DC have had enough and want to go home.

I was nervous to post because I know you'd all tell me what a fucking idiot I am.

And - guys - please don't randomly post. Rtt

OP posts:

FeckTheMagicDragon · 22/07/2015 23:53

Hi Lavader - delurking, but have been following you for ages. I understand why you went to Europe. You are a normal person who wants things to be normal and reasonable. So you went on a holiday hoping everything would be normal and nice.
Problem is, he's a cunt.
It's ok. It's not you it's him.
So - nod and smile and be non committal until you can get out of there OR get tickets home without him knowing and get the fuck out of there.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 22/07/2015 23:56

You got away gem him before, you can do it again. Get your game face on. You can do this!

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