Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

Can you afford tickets home? If so, get tickets, don't tell him, get yourself to an airport hotel and get the hell out of there.

Come on LH. One last push

You can do it. We are all behind you, keep posting, you will get there.

He is really angry as I won't agree to his amicable settlement offer. It's not amicable-he seems to think by saying amicable it makes it so. it's ridiculous and involves the children losing their home. I won't agree, my lawyer has told me not to agree.

He is supposed to be taking care of the children which is why we are here. The DC haven't seen him since Easter. Yesterday he made himself breakfast and I had to cook for the DC- but also had to work and look after DC as he was busy, then in the afternoon he just disappeared and had a bloody nap for a few hours. He couldn't see why this was weird. It is weird, isn't it?

He then told the DC he would take them out for pizza just him and them, and when they got there it was his family - DC said he ignored them all evening and they just sat and ate as no one else speaks English. They have ignored the DC and I for two years but DC and I are supposed to pretend they are amazing and love the DC so much. Ds said flatly " they don't care about us" and he's right. What do I say? Lie? Or sort of agree with him?

I asked him why he lied to me and the DC about the dinner and he wouldn't say. I said the DC thought it was just going to be him and them and they needed time with him. He was furious and said they loved it and had a great time and I was making trouble. He seems to be in an alternative dimension tbh. They didn't love it. But they told me they agreed with him as if they didn't he shouts at me.

I said I would have to leave at once for the UK if he won't stop. He is refusing to reimburse me for travel with the DC.

Going to be brief, no point berating you, it's done.

Go. Don't tell him you're going, just pack the kids up when he's out and go. Just you and them, no stragglers- you know what I'm talking about. They will be upset either way but it's the right thing, please trust me.

You can fight over the money for getting home later and leave the rest to the lawyers. PM me if you need to

I think you need to accept that this man is toxic and will never be reasonable.
Get home and do not communicate with him unless it is strictly about arrangements to see the children. Everything else you leave to the lawyers.
Keep notes of his behaviour towards yourself and the children, note everything down, it may prove very useful.

It's not a big fuck-up in the scheme of things, really. I suppose it might have been guessed that he would use the time to berate you rather than spend quality time with the DC he hardly sees nowadays, but it may even be a good thing that you can demonstrate to the court you were willing to facilitate this contact. That it then fell flat is no fault of yours.

As you know, saying things are how he would like them to be, rather than how they actually are, is your ex's modus operandi. This is a man who thinks he is so important that he can define reality. It was never going to be easy getting away from someone like this. But you're on the home stretch now - marriage is officially over - just the finances to sort out. He may end up getting away with quite a lot but hopefully you'll manage a settlement for your DC's sake that is at least decent.

Shocked but not totally surprised at the behaviour of very expensive lawyers. Sometimes they make totally outrageous claims/offers on the off chance that the other party isn't clued up and just might agree to it. Obviously many solicitors are honest - some of my best friends etc! - but some will say anything they are paid to, and in your ex's case they may well be being paid a whole lot. It doesn't mean they believe it's fair or right. Glad yours is on the ball and will be officially complaining about them.

Pack yourself and the kids up and come home. Holidays are where you enjoy yourselves, no one is enjoying it.

What's done is done, don't beat yourself up over it. Get on a plane and enjoy the rest of the summer.

And thank you for asking after us. The holiday was a disaster. 3.5hr drive down, to turn around 3hrs later and drive all the way home with a very sick child. Children really know when to pick their moments to be poorly ;)

Granville, that sounds awful. I hope he is ok now?

It's calmed down a bit, and I hope to try and resolve it somehow. It's all very tricky. The trouble is, I trust him less when he is calm- he's up to something, I'm sure of it.

I can't just up and leave, I have to find a way because I have at least another ten years of this shit. Awesome:(

Please don't take the calmness as a good sign Lavender, trust your senses.

And NO, you don't have to have another 10 years of this!
Honestly, you CAN get off of this horrendous carousel because the ride is not going to get any better as long as you're on it. There are many many children out there who have no contact with abusive fathers and are all the better for it. You are doing them no favours by maintaining contact with him- they are already telling you he's awful, because he is and even as young as they are, they can see that. Don't twist and confuse their reality by minimising it. They won't thank you later.

So much I want to say but I don't want to upset you when you're already stressed

You can come home early. Do. Please.

Yes you can just up and leave. You and the kids deserve a nice summer break and if they're already requesting to go home and are saying things to him to placate the situation then that really isn't a very good sign is it?

It's a sign you need to bring them home. Remember you owe him nothing, you are no longer married to him. He is the father of your children, that is all. As long as you keep jumping to his demands he will keep manipulating you and the children - for years to come.

You did as he asked and took them to Europe, he's been vile so come home. Sod it if he doesn't pay the air fares, sod it if he gets angry, honestly who cares? be in control for once and stand up to him, there are more important things in life. Look at the bigger picture and what his behaviour towards the children and you will have on their lives now and in the future.

My son is fine now thank you for asking, he had bacteria tonsillitis and was very poorly. Doc said it was the worse case he'd seen in a long time. A 10 day course of antibiotics and lots of mummy cuddles did the trick.

Granville, that's awful and I've had it, I was rushed to hospital as I couldn't swallow (!) and had 3 days on a drip. Felt like crap for DAYS after. I'm glad he has recovered.

He's calmed down a bit now and has gone out to meet an old friend of his- I feel married again- trapped at home with sleeping DC and him out partying. I know we are divorced now etc but he could have said he wanted to see his friend and he wouldn't be there for the DC. His phone won't work here so he even used my phone to arrange it. I don't really mind as at least he's not here.

He wants to try again, even though we are divorced, and I was so shocked I just stared at him. I think he knows I was dating someone, perhaps the DC mentioned babysitters and flowers etc:(

Is he living in cloud cuckoo land or something?

he is still angry I wouldn't accept his apologies and now we are divorced. I can't explain very well, but even though he apologised, he doesn't really think he had ( and still doesn't) done anything wrong. I can't think about it without crying as my DM passed away at the same time.

I have a new problem, his DM shouted at my dd for crying after being stung and ex dh didn't say anything. Dd doesn't want to go there again and he has been taking them to the gp everyday ( mainly to avoid having to cook) and his DM expects him to.

Why are you still there??? Can't you just book tickets and leave.

I'm guessing here that you paid for the tickets (in order not to have to hand over passport details ) and he's not yet paid you back. And I'm also guessing that you can't afford to buy more tickets and go home.
How much longer are you there for?

Seriously Lav, bring your flight home forward and get yourself and the children home.

Sod what he thinks and whether he'll be angry. Don't spoil the holidays for the children. They've expressed their displeasure enough times at being there, don't make them resent you as well.

Better there than where you used to live and his trips to visit you three have been miserable. The last thing you need is ex claiming you deny the DCs the chance to see their relations and you aren't fair and reasonable over his contact with his DCs out of term time. Naturally you would not risk the DCs going alone. Unfortunately he is still the jerk he always was.

Am guessing you feel stuck there until Wednesday or Thursday. His mother sounds a witch. Please tell us you have their passports safe? Keep a diary of what's gone on.

I've just seen your thread is active again, Lavender. Sorry to hear you are having such a grim time in Europe - as the others have said, if you can bring your flights forward do it.

I did wonder if he borrowed your phone to snoop - would he have seen who'd been texting or calling recently or had a chance to look at your texts? He doesn't seem remotely trustworthy.

I realise I just missed the chance to whoop about your divorce going through - well done, Lavender!

I'm afraid I just don't have the money to up and leave. However, it's nearly over now.

I have shown very willing and obliging, although he isn't involved in any of the boring old day to day stuff like organising children's clothes, and changing the linen. He also got quite annoyed at having to cook for them, as I wasn't busy (!) I also had to stop work today and do lunch as he didn't have time, which was quite annoying. I was on a conference call and had to bow out. Also he asked me to do his washing with the kids, but I drew the line at ironing it.

He is looking forward to his day in court as he seems convinced a judge will find out how awful I am by leaving him and order me to sell my house. I pointed out to him he would be making the DC homeless but he said that would be my fault, as I was the one who wanted a divorce. He tells me his lawyer thinks I'm the bitch from hell (!) and they both want to see me ruined.

Lovely.

And yet he is asking you to give it another try? He is off his rocker. What a first class prick. At least this experience has reinforced his true colours and you will never consider agreeing to this arrangement ever again as you will now know what to expect. Asking you to do his laundry - he is trying to demean you and lord it over you. I understand that you capitulate to keep the peace, but honestly, he is repugnant turd. The less your children see of his shitty attitude,the better chance they have of growing up to be normal, emotionally healthy adults. I'm so sorry it turned out this way for you. You live and learn. Onwards and upwards

He has left now, but I'm staying on for a week as the weather is nice, I can work remotely and the DC can see their cousins.

He has planned for the DC to see their cousins during the week when I'm working but also at the weekend- he has arranged via his db for them to go to his DM Sunday lunch. I said er, no I'm off weekends and they aren't going anywhere without me. She has ignored the DC for 2 years and certainly ignored me whilst I'm here. I won't be welcome. I don't want to go anyway. It will hardly be fun, being glared at and everyone speaking a different language.

I'm quite torn as I would like the DC to have a relationship with their European family but it seems bizarre his DM expect that without being civil to me. The DC don't want to go if I'm not there but it will cause a massive storm of shit as he refuses to acknowledge his parents ignoring the DC for two years and he will say how much she loves them and how I am refusing her her rights. She's very bossy and all her other dils do as she says, hair, cars, interior design. We didn't get on.

Your mil has NO RIGHTS over your children. I hope you know that, despite what your exh says.
The sooner you are out of there the better.

I know. She bought them gifts and wasn't very nice to Dd, apparently during a visit with dh.

Dh told her that his DM had bought her presents so she had to be nice. FFS
He has massive issues- FOG

It's very young to learn there's no such thing as a free lunch. Or that one must have a price above rubies.

Well, I let the DC go to their GM house for the afternoon. GM was chatting in the garden and didn't notice one cousin (11) take dd (6) out of the house unnoticed and up to the woods, to pick berrys and eat them. There is a stream, cousin doesn't speak English, it's a tiny road too, and dd said only two cars came along.

Dd reported to me how excited she was to go out without a grown up and no one even knew they had gone, or when they got back. So all the talk about never going anywhere without telling a grown up etc hasn't sunk in:(

I have told dh via mail as he's gone now that the DC won't be able to go again and they can come here instead ( holiday house) before I leave this week - and he tells me that I mustn't prevent the DC seeing their family and anyway dd was only 100 metres from the house. Like that makes a difference, to me at least.

I'm really pissed off, no one has apologised for not taking better care, and it won't happen again and dh is insisting I am not to spoil things for the DC and his mother, as its her birthday this weekend and she wants to see the DC. She hasn't bothered with the DC birthdays for two years! The DC don't want to go anyway, as ex mil told dd off for crying over an allergic reaction to mosquito spray, plus they want to spend time with me.

I don't want them to go, and I'm not going to let them, but dh says I'm being unreasonable.