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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having the talk

941 replies

lavenderhoney · 26/03/2014 22:15

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.

I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

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Original poster
lavenderhoney · 27/01/2015 19:33

Thank you! He keeps calling when it's not a day he arranged to call and I don't pick up, and the days he supposed to call he doesn't or he calls late - when dc are about to go to bed. He says it's my fault and they go to bed too early:( they are in bed by 7.30pm weekdays.

I have a meeting with my solictor this week, re finances and proposed settlement. Any advice welcome. He wants the dc in Europe still and refuses to listen to them or me. His lawyer backs him. They would I suppose:(

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Meerka · 27/01/2015 21:29

lavender are you keeping a record of all the times you agreed he would call v all the times he did actually call? this will really help refute the 'not letting you access the kids"

And yes the lawyer basically does what he says. Conveying his wishes really.

I'm not in this situation and you really need advice from people who have been / are, but it seems to me that your children's wishes might be taken into account. Mainly because travelling to their father's family would be taking them away from everything they know and becuase of your son's history of distress around the times he's been around. (please record them too! keep a dairy even. Apparently they are seen as good evidence).

50ShadesofGreyMatter · 27/01/2015 23:42

Keep a diary of every little thing, even things you think are not worth recording, you will not remember everything but your diary will.

OvertiredandConfused · 28/01/2015 10:30

Fantastic news Lavender. Keep going.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 23/02/2015 08:12

I am making notes and also now making notes of his conversations with the dc.

He wrote via his lawyer a while ago and said he wanted a particular week at easter. He told the dc last week it was different dates and i asked him at the time to email me me as he said he was coming different dates. He didn't. So I asked him via email and he wants a different week which is awkward as I have already planned to take the dc away for the last few days of it. It's paid for.

He didn't apologise or explain himself at all. He also wants to take them out for the day the first day he is here and they have activities and things planned. DS will need a shower after! I'm also not sure if him having them all day is a good idea, as he wont have seen them for four months, and only spoken sporadically on the phone.

He says he has emailed me things when he hasn't. He says I am being unreasonable not handing the children over to him for four weeks a year and on his email he doesn't mention taking them abroad etc just that he wants them for four weeks. I think he's being disingenuous.

I have no idea how to deal with him. I have already arranged things with work but he says he has booked his flights and I have to change everything. I am worried about the dc reaction as instead of a few days with me after he goes they go straight back to school.

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50ShadesofGreyMatter · 23/02/2015 09:38

Remember you do not have to do ANYTHING he says, unless it is court ordered. He is not the boss of you.

Meerka · 23/02/2015 10:46

No, you don't have to change everything.

YOu asked him over and over to communicate with you. He didn't. Im afriad he has to take the consequences.

You are willing to cooperate within the limits of safety, physical and emotional, for hte children and while it is workable for you.

But messing you around like this is an action by him that has consequences and he has to take those consequences not you.

If he deals straightforwardly with you then you two can cooperate. But giving you dates then changing them so that you have to change your arrangements is not acceptable or reasonable behaviour.

About taking them abroad - I would ask your solicitor about this, but I'd be inclined to email him asking if he's going to do that twice and if he doesn't reply Yes or No, say that in the light of his refusal to answer you will have to assume that he does plan to take them abroad as that is his home, and that is something you are extremely uncomfortable with.

Meerka · 23/02/2015 10:48

Also lavender - this is very alarmist of me. But juuuuuuuust in case. Have you considered teaching your children what to do if they are removed from the country and kept in another country? There must be organisations that can recommend how to proceed if children are removed from their UK parent unwillingly, and some of that is teaching the little ones how to help themselves in that situation - who to try to find, who to ask for help. How to keep memories alive.

marriednotdead · 23/02/2015 14:42

Another one shouting at the screen encouraging you to stand up to him.

Read your sentence back to yourself. HE gave you a date- in writing. HE has changed it without checking with you. HE WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT!

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 23/02/2015 23:08

Thank you all:)

I've emailed back and I am waiting for the explosion.

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marriednotdead · 23/02/2015 23:13

Atta girl Smile

50ShadesofGreyMatter · 24/02/2015 21:05

You go girl. Just remember he can try to order you to do this and that, demand, throw a tantrum etc, etc, while you can just maintain a dignified silence and only communicate re the children, preferably through lawyers, keep your cool and your nerve, so hard to do, I've been there but it's the only way to go!

DustBunnyFarmer · 24/02/2015 22:57

Atta girl

Seconded! The others are right - he can't mess you around like this. I suspect it is about control, this dicking you around.

Is there any way to register the children with the Borders Agency (or whatever it's calling itself these days) so they can't be removed from the country without your permission? If so, do that.

marriednotdead · 25/02/2015 08:15

I know it's scary but you need to be aware (and therefore one step ahead) of any possibility that he may try to take the DCs to spite you. There is a brilliant organisation called Reunite that helped me when my ex was threatening to abduct DD 25 years ago. They have comprehensive advice here.

Meerka · 25/02/2015 08:41

Hope you're okay lavender

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 25/02/2015 16:06

All the " go" stuff makes me nervous and worried i'm acting without thinking:)

He says he can't change his plans now back to what he originally said through his lawyers as it will cost him too much. Unfortunately for him I have already made plans with the dc for the week so my lawyer says just to tell him when he can see them as obviously I cannot be expected to change all my plans and suck up the costs of cancellation due to his changing dates without checking. He also plans to bring a friend for his holiday and introduce to the dc.

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Meerka · 25/02/2015 17:10

you sound stronger, lavender :)

... friend ... ?

OvertiredandConfused · 25/02/2015 17:21

You're doing great Lavender. The cheering is just recognising that.

Your lawyer is spot on. Work out what fits with your plans and offer that.

What do you know about the friend? Female?

I presume you have the passports safe and have taken advice to make sure he doesn't report them lost and apply for new ones? As pp have said, don't want to alarm you, but better to be prepared. Meerka is right, you do sound stronger.

50ShadesofGreyMatter · 25/02/2015 20:33

He is a bully and a dickhead! He "can't change his plans back now", oh dear, what a shame, etc, etc, blah blah!

None of the above matters, so what if he can't change them back, NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He will have to learn slowly and painfully that however much he pulls these stunts and tries to bring you back into line and obey him, by saying he can't change this now, or do whatever now,is just tough shit for him, I would not be even entering into a discussion about it.

He is inviting you to have an arguement but you don't have to respond. I think as women we are so conditioned to solving everyone elses problems that we can lose sight of the fact that we DON'T HAVE TO. (talking about myself here also, have to constantly remind myself).

"Not my monkeys, not my circus" is a good mantra to have in your head on a loop sometimes for when you find yourself being drawn into other people's dramas.

OvertiredandConfused · 16/03/2015 16:34

How's it going Lavender? Been thinking about your and your Easter plans.

Effendi · 16/03/2015 19:04

I often think about you Lavender. Your thread is nearly a year old!

MeerkaRIPSirTerry · 16/03/2015 20:26

Thinking of you too

DustBunnyFarmer · 18/03/2015 06:45

Same here - your thread is on my watch list. Hope all is well.

Granville72 · 19/03/2015 14:57

Same here, always check my watch list.

Hope you're all ok. xx

Shit has hit the fan here too, looks like I'm now a single mum and being put out of business at the same time.

Original poster
lavenderhoney · 26/03/2015 08:03

Well, it's all a bit rubbish. He is due soon and quite insistent he takes the children abroad in the summer. He says im not being amicable because I won't agree. He also says unless I do as he says he will pay the very minimum for maintenace for the dc. This is all on email.

He is taking me to court wrt allowing him the dc abroad and also for the financial settlement. His lawyer writes awful bullying letters and ignores my lawyers responses. Will I have to go through this every holiday? I don't have the money now. How do I stop him? He is determined to take the dc away.,

He will be here soon for a week, won't tell me his flights or respond to my email about when he can have the dc. I am already looking flaky at work with changing my hols- I had to, I couldn't get care at such a late date.

Granville, I'm so sorry - it must be very hard for you. have you a thread about it?

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