Talk me down. DH away with colleagues. I have his iPad. FB messages.

[RolyPolyLittleBatFacedGirl]

Dh away on conference with colleagues. He's left his ipad here and FB messages show in the locked screen. Loads of messages from female colleague. I looked. Messages earlier like we're all drinking wine in so and so's room, come and join us.... fine.

But the latest exchange was of her taking the piss about something. Him saying 'love you', then 'not tired yet' and 'can I come down. Talk', she says 'Yeah for 15 min

That was nearly an hour ago. Green eyed me sent him a message to ask wtf was going on 45 mins ago and he's not seen it.

I know it isn't what you want to hear OP and you want to believe him. But if he can get away with what is, quite frankly, a very flimsy excuse what else will he try and get away with?

The fact that this woman sent your DH a lot of messages and the fact that he was missing for an hour? I think the cigarette stuff can't possibly account for that and I agree it's a flimsy excuse. If you and your DH are satisfied to use this as a "polite fiction" on the implicit understanding that he's not to shag work colleagues again then that's between the two of you. Personally I don't think it's worth losing a marriage over necessarily but I also don't think he's innocent either. I think you know that deep down, too.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this and you certainly shouldn't feel that you have to update here if you don't want to. Sorry to be harsh as well.

Hi. Sorry you are going through this.

It sounds as though you had such unshakable belief in your husband's fidelity that the idea he may be unfaithful is too much of a leap.

The idea that he was down there for an ecig is just not believable to anyone not invested in the idea your husband is not the type of man who cheats.

To me it sounds like he has been up to no good, whether kissing or more who knows, and is now lying to you about it.

I don't believe my husband isn't the type who wouldn't cheat. If I discovered these messages and knew my husband was in another woman's room at that time of night what with the flirting and the drinking I'd assume he'd have cheated. I wouldn't be asking for a few days off work and an undertaking re further overnights...I'd be insisting on honesty and no more bullshit re ecigs.

I hope you and your husband can work it out.

That is I don't believe my husband is the type who wouldn't cheat. I think I'd quadrupled negatives there!!!

What was the message he sent to his colleague when he got back to his room? Was it a thanks for that, for a that was fun, or a sleep well?

Does it take a whole hour to smoke an e-cig?

I really hope he is telling the truth. But I know first hand how many lies can be told when confronted. My exH looked me in the eye and swore nothing happened with the OW. Used to visit her in the the mornings before going to his office. I trusted him completely.

He lied to my face over and over.

Time and children together don't mean he will be faithful. Though I hope he has been x

I completely understand that the move from trusted DH to a cheat is just too much and you want this problem to disappear but I really don't think stopping at a telling off is the way to go.
There's nothing wrong with moving on past this situation but I don't think it's wise to do so without you both accepting the full truth.
Not one person on here believes the ecig story and why would they? If it doesn't make sense then it simply didn't happen. The messages in no way fit with the story.

If he's capable of cheating then all that's happened is he's had a lucky escape and is free to do it again. He also knows he doesn't even need to think up elaborate lies and you will just accept unlikely explanations because you don't want to rock the boat.

If you want to move on then please accept the truth first, even if he doesn't admit it. You both know what happened.

I really really hope this works out well for you!

I don't understand the significance of having a week off work tbh - won't that just use up his annual leave and be a miserable week for both of you.

I agree Barbra (sorry) in failing to understand why has he agreed to not go out with ANY work mates or work away again if nothing happened.

If I had got in to some drunken banter/cigarette related flirting (weird) but nothing physical had happened, I wouldn't be agreeing to not go out with work mates I'd be fighting back... something doesn't add up here. Find it a bit hard to believe he'd volunteer do the time if he hasn't done the crime...

The way he seems to be making out this woman was teasing him with the e-cig like she is some kind of vixen is a bit tedious as well.

But regardless - hope you feel better OP now the initial shock has worn off. Have you spoken to any RL friends about it in confidence?

From a mans P O V if he had done nothing wrong he would not be accepting all this pennance with such good grace

As it is he thinks he has got away with it so is willing to take his medicine with a clean slate.

Whether or not its worth ruining your marriage or life over - probably not, and now he wont cheat again - or he will be a lot more careful....

Ignorance is bliss....

Leopards and spots (I say this as a leopard)

Yes, OP is clearly feeling 'blissful' glasgowsteven

what a...

Nicotine or not it's not acceptable in my marriage.

For those being judgemental and calling the OP a mug...do you know her DH?

Didn't think so.

If she's been married to him for 15 years then she knows.

Glad you've resolved it OP.

Maybe the smokers among us may have met him?

Seriously though, 15 years is a long time. Hope you get to the bottom of it and get to have a break soon. Think you should get DH to babysit and let your hair down, put it out of your mind for a few hours.

I don't think anyone thinks your a mug, just concerned for you and sympathize with the shock you've had

Hope you're feeling okay OP xx

Iveharditallnow - she is more blissful thinking he was just a secret smoker than actually looking to have sex with other women!

Erm, do you mean me? It's Heard it all, not Hard...

If you read the thread, he isn't secret smoker and OP is very upset with him.

I'd worry more about the state of your own relationships/your 'spots' if I was you.

glasgow ewwwww. Speaking as as a person with a 25 year marriage, just ewwww.

Really, do you want to live like this forever? getting away with stuff, pretending to be sorry, cheating on ppl because you don't get caught?

Wouldn't you rather invest in a real, stable, mutually respectful loving relationship? what is so exciting about the next cheap date?

Hands up if you care what Glasgow has to say?

........

Anyone?

...... [tumbleweed].......

Me neither.

Quick update from me too address a couple of points that have been brought up.
Re - time off work. DH took two days annual leave at my request because firstly, I was quite visibly upset and couldn't face the school gate, playgroup drop offs and frankly couldn't be arsed with the pretence for a couple of days. Secondly, the last thing I felt like coping with was him going back and working in an office with this woman the very morning after our big talk. A waste of annual leave yes, but I felt it necessary.
Re - taking his medicine if he hasn't done the crime - the 'crime' he's willing to take the consequences for is drunkenly flirting with another woman and making me feel less than totally secure in my marriage. He's very sorry for that and is happy to do whatever it takes to make me feel happy and secure again. I'm not sure how long that is going to take.

I'm doing ok, having ups and downs. I'm neither blissful nor ignorant as has been suggested. I'm hopeful that we can get over this.

Good luck OP :)

I think if you do get through this you'll wish you'd spent those leave-days on a beach somewhere having a but hey-ho. Can see what you mean RE not being up to the school gates, etc, though.

Good luck