Talk me down. DH away with colleagues. I have his iPad. FB messages.

[RolyPolyLittleBatFacedGirl]

Dh away on conference with colleagues. He's left his ipad here and FB messages show in the locked screen. Loads of messages from female colleague. I looked. Messages earlier like we're all drinking wine in so and so's room, come and join us.... fine.

But the latest exchange was of her taking the piss about something. Him saying 'love you', then 'not tired yet' and 'can I come down. Talk', she says 'Yeah for 15 min

That was nearly an hour ago. Green eyed me sent him a message to ask wtf was going on 45 mins ago and he's not seen it.

"When a man shows you who he is, believe him."

Sorry, OP.

Sorry OP, but I'm going to join the chorus here. If he was genuinely innocent, I would have expected him to open everything up for you to scrutinise in order to prove himself and restore your faith in him. The fact that he has deleted goodness-knows-what from Facebook is highly suspicious and damning to me.

"what jobs do these people have that allows them to be on the piss and room hopping like teenagers at night?"

I work in a team who are spread throughout the country. We have team meetings which involve nights away. There are a couple of team members who don't know when to stop drinking which is irresponsible especially as we generally have a meeting the following morning before we all head back.
I am not married anymore but wouldn't dream of trying to get into a female colleagues bedroom late at night! (Or a male colleagues either) What was he thinking? If he needed to talk with her then if it couldn't wait until morning then you would pick a public place, like the bar even if it's shut.

Sorry for the delay in getting back and thank you for all your messages and advice. I'm upset and livid this morning and have had precisely 3 hours sleep.
Yes, the message deletion speaks volumes to me. Though no bother, every fucking word is etched onto my brain. I'm also extremely concerned about the word 'talk', as someone said up thread it says that a line had been crossed.
DH has ostensibly given up smoking as far as his colleagues are concerned but I know that with a few drinks inside him he'd do anything for a fag. Though why that had to involve sending flirty fucking messages to someone and going to get room, rather than walking out to a 24hour garage is beyond me.
That said though, if DH was nominated for husband least likely to cheat he'd win. Not nor ever has been a player. Devoted to our kids and I thought me.
My worst fears haven't been completely allayed. If nothing else I'm angry that he could do something to make me even think this. Total disrespect. How fucking dare he.

Hope all is well with you this morning and everything was perfectly innocent. I don't think anything happened but the 'talk' comment sounds serious. What do they want to talk about? Thinking of you today (with husband currently away also!)

Our posts have crossed. I can see that you are still extremely angry ( not surprisingly). When is he due home? Cyber hugs to you.

He says he was only in her room for 10 mins. I don't believe him. Their conversation resumed nearly an hour later. And he chose to send her a message before bothering to look at what I'd sent him. He'd not have waited so long before checking his phone I know.

He's home teatime tonight. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Meanwhile I have to function looking after DD today, with Ds bringing his friend and friends mum around after school. Plus putting the kids to bed as a happy family. I don't know how I'm going to manage that.

OK. At the risk of getting flamed...10 years ago I was the single working exec on these type of work get togethers.

I saw a lot of married men who behaved in ways that I would be appalled of now, if my husband were to be doing it (if that makes sense)

Two men in particular I can think. Both lovely. Both devoted married men with kids. On two separate occasions, I spent the night with each of them. Not sex, but definitely not behaviour they should have been up to. They were quite happy to be 'themselves' away from their wives and kids (in their words) We were good friends at work, and as I was drunk myself, I didn't see that we were doing anything wrong at the time.

The next morning, all they were bothered about (quite understandably!) was their wife finding out. Luckily, this was all before FB/ipads/etc and I wasn't about to be texting said wife to say, your husband is a sleaze.

But let's just say, I've never truly believed that any men can be trusted on one of these work type nights away! No way is my DH ever going on one!!!

I might add both of these men are still happily married, and as far as I know, wives are in blissful ignorance.

I would say though, drink is definitely to blame. Your husband probably does genuinely feel like crap about it. I don't think it's worth blowing your marriage up for? Just don't let him go again!!!!

Purple - I'm not sure it's worth blowing up my marriage for either. Besides which I'm not sure how I'd cope. I'm a sahm, but one of the scraping by, barely surviving financially sorts. DH is an admin worker. I used to be the bigger earner but we relocated and I gave up my job. We wouldn't survive if we weren't a family unit.
If he or I had anywhere else to go, I'd ask for some time out. But I don't want anyone else's trust in him blown if it's not for good reason. My patents would be devastated, they adore him.
what a tool.

Please be careful not to fall into protecting him at the expense of your own well-being. Why shouldn't your parents see the truth? Was he thinking about that when he was in another woman's bedroom?

Men are - I find!! In general! I'd be just having it out with him. I don't honestly believe anything happened, just some flirty chit chat by the sound of it.

Yes, out of order, but marriage is for better/for worse. He's been an arse. A major arse but still. Nothing that is worth wrecking things for.

He's probably going to be crawling big time anyway, but let him! Make sure he knows if it ever happens again you will have his balls!

I just really wanted to post from the other side so to speak. On this occasion, drink is defo to blame. He got a chance to have a 'night off' so to speak, too much to drink..Doesn't mean at all that he wants to wreck what he has with you and the kids.

You can get through this. for you, none for him!

Sorry you didn't get much sleep. On a practical level- can you cancel the play date after school?? Rearrange for another day? That's the last thing you need.

I'm not trying to make you feel any worse than you do but after a long time on MN the "he's the last husband who would cheat" is a line used by women who then find out he actually did. I'm NOT saying yours has but just keep every sense open, eyes and ears. Listen to what he has to say but listen to your instinct. It can save you a lot of pain in the long run.

I agree with mamma - I thought my h was the last person in the world who would cheat too, I'd have bet my life on it but I was wrong :-(

Be vigilant, speak little, listen more, they always trip themselves up in the end if there's any wrong doing.

He may not have slept with the colleague but the intent might have been there and it was certainly inappropriate. Purplebaubles gave an example where she didn't sleep with her colleagues but behaved inappropriately. That would diminish those men in my eyes, it's not okay just because there wasn't penetration. It's still treating the wife with contempt.

I find it irrelevant whether he wants to wreck what he has with OP; surely she decides whether he has wrecked it? Otherwise he can do what he likes and only his thoughts about it are valid.

That said though, if DH was nominated for husband least likely to cheat he'd win. Not nor ever has been a player.

If I had a pound every time I see this on here and the H turns out to have cheated, I would be rich.

I would be concerned that this isn't the first time he has behaved in this way given how casual he sounds about flirting with this woman. He isn't being honest or open - the deleting speaks volumes

I would check his mobile phone records.

I've just re-read. Sorry of I've got this wrong but:

Were they chatting on Facebook. He went to her room to talk. Then they resumed messaging on Facebook? Is that right?

I may have interpreted it wrongly, sorry if I have.

bleeding Don't disagree. Those guys, spent the night hugging another woman. Not technically cheating, but jesus, I wouldn't like it at all if my DH did that to me.

However, it was drunken, opportunistic, one off behaviour from otherwise very decent guys. I would have been gutted if our silly behaviour had led to the breakdown of their families.

There's a danger here of complete overreaction, that's all I"m saying..

Foot down now, he got caught. Not likely to try it again is he!

Not likely to try it again?

None of us can possibly know that.

What did the messages he sent her after the visit say?

Hi op sorry to hear your going through this, may I suggest that you use this time to really think about the position you say your in financially etc.

This could serve as a wake up call to how dependant you are on someone else not only for your happiness but help and finances.
This might be a time for you to start what I call plan B, that's the if the shit does hit the fan, you've been forewarned which means you could make sure your not in such a vulnerable position in the future.

OP... I'm sorry, this must be very difficult for you and you sound as if you're on tenterhooks waiting to speak to your husband when he comes home. The scenario sounds a bit odd, perhaps there is an explanation BUT the 'deletion'... that would bother me.

Purplebaubles... 'Don't let him' and 'foot down'? If you have to do these things then you have no relationship. It is perfectly true that people make the decision to cheat. If they don't prevent or stop that for themselves, there is nothing their partner can ever do by way of 'forcible measures' that will prevent them.

Your earlier post sounds glib and it irritated me. You excused your own behaviour very quickly when you knew that these men were married and you participated in fooling around with them. I'm all in favour of calling a spade a spade but I think your 'lightheartedness' is a bit crass.

I know what you are saying purplebaubles and I'm not having a go. I just resent that it is the woman who has to suck it up and forgive so that the family doesn't breakdown rather than the man not doing something to cause the upset in the first place.

I think many people have the opportunity to cheat and it is often people who one wouldn't expect it from. Looking at it from another point of view, as the 'other woman' would you necessarily be attracted to a sleazy shagger or a 'decent' guy who 'can't help himself when it comes to you.'

My DH was the least likely to cheat. Honest as the day is long, too. Until I found out he wasn't. Don't minimise what you have seen. The excuse about the e-cig was ridiculous.