Talk me down. DH away with colleagues. I have his iPad. FB messages.

[RolyPolyLittleBatFacedGirl]

Dh away on conference with colleagues. He's left his ipad here and FB messages show in the locked screen. Loads of messages from female colleague. I looked. Messages earlier like we're all drinking wine in so and so's room, come and join us.... fine.

But the latest exchange was of her taking the piss about something. Him saying 'love you', then 'not tired yet' and 'can I come down. Talk', she says 'Yeah for 15 min

That was nearly an hour ago. Green eyed me sent him a message to ask wtf was going on 45 mins ago and he's not seen it.

I was blessed with a slime-ball who also doubled up as a bad liar - which actually did me a favour.

Who is this woman OP? Out of interest, you've just said she's a colleague. Is she young etc? I'm struggling to see why he would want to 'talk' to her.

AF - I'm not intent on convincing myself of anything nor believing anything. And I'm not resigned to anything either. When he gets home he's going to hand to go through everything and I'm in no mood to be lied to I assure you.
I'm exhausted and feel like my very firm foundations have been shaken. Did I imagine contemplating life as a line parent this time yesterday? Absolutely not. I am today.
Will come back to answer the many questions you've all asked later. Unfortunately I've a kid and his mother coming round now.

Good luck Roly, I don't think you are minimising, I think you are rightly angry and demanding explanations.

Don't believe your dh.
He is lying

I interpret the messages as him wanting to sleep with/flirt with/be intimate with the female colleague. I think his desire to cheat would be enough for me to never quite trust him again.

Exactly Kermit
He may not have slept with her, but he bloody well wanted to.
I wish people would stop blaming booze for everything.

Not sure if this will help but I had a problem with FB messages in that they wouldn't delete permanantly!

They would be deleted on FB but would keep appearing as a conversation on my FB phone app - maybe worth checking his phone to see if this is the case with your H??

I hope you don't find any more :(

Remember that its down to him to prove his "innocence" - do not take his word for it. Actions speak louder than words after all...

Good idea re checking archived FB messages - do also check the trash/bin folders.

Well, I'm saying we don't know know anything happened! Neither does the OP. And of course I wasn't there!!! So I don't know either - goes without saying

OP is quite right to be mad about it, I would be too. Wasn't minimising it at all. Just thought it shouldn't get out of hand either in terms of advice to her.

Poor you, op. he's such a shit.

I hope it really was just drunk banter and nothing happened - but it's still a line crossed and I would kick him out for a while just for the messages tbh...

Also I would probably contact her and ask her about the messages, ask her if she smokes without leading questions.

I don't think you are being at all paranoid or unreasonable. No married man should be sending private messages asking to go to a female colleague's room to talk at midnight, or telling her he loves her. This is a lot to do with context. On a work email account, an email saying 'make me a tea. Love you ;-)' would be flirty but just about okay to me, but sending that at night, via private FB message, juxtaposed with trips to her bedroom would make me livid. His best hope of putting your mind at ease would have been to have kept the messages and shown you they were harmless. I know I wouldn't hesitate to show my husband my phone and emails/FB if he had got the wrong end of the stick about a bloke and was upset. Deleting them was a bad move on his behalf, as now you can only speculate on the content (I interpreted it as you could see msgs but not read them all). Unfortunately, he had time to come up with a plausible excuse after seeing your message. An e-cig is a bit of an odd one, but if that's all he wanted, why did he ask to see her in her room and 'to talk' and why did she anticipate it taking 15 mins? I don't know if you copied the msgs exactly as they appeared, but to me they implied a bit of tension on her behalf after something else had happened between them earlier that evening. Nothing to do with cigs!

I've got to agree with Snargaluff, I'm afraid. Why her? Weren't there any male colleagues there who smoked? I would find out more about her, if I were you. If she is attractive, I would feel justified in being worried and question him further. I would also be checking emails and browsing history for further clues. Sorry.

OP I hope it goes okay when he comes home

Not very convinced by the excuses, given the "love you" stuff. My guess is he would have shagged the colleague if she said yes. Given she said "15 minutes only" I would also guess she said no.

So he may not have technically done anything, but no thanks to him, frankly. He would have done, given half a chance.

OP wouldn't have been posting here at midnight if she felt everything was rock solid and I doubt she's posting now because all is tip top.

RolyPolyLittleBatFacedGirl good luck, just don't down-play it to being a 'green eyed monster' will you. This isn't about you being a possessive killjoy, it's about him behaving like anything but a married man with DCs when in a hotel with colleagues.

If innocent why on earth did he go deleting the conversation?

If he acts affronted that you don't trust him, point out he brought this on himself. It needn't be a conference away next time, he's out of the house for hours at a stretch.

She's attractive, mid 30s, with kids and a husband. He's now unfriended her on FB following a request from me last night.
He's just got home. We've not spoken other than to agree to keep a loud on it till the kids are in bed.

O dear.

You should contact her

Listen to what he says.

The way he says it and whether he avoids certain questions will tell you what you need to know.

When you have your talk - let him do all the talking and don't fill in the silences.

Good luck OP.

'Hey, are you still up? Am desperate for a fag!-will love you forever, please!;)' = reasonable;

'Hey sexy...have you gone to bed? Would love a fag and a bit of a chat, I'll behave myself...;) x = flirty, not ok, but not necessarily anything other than wanting a fag (I'd still hit the roof);

'Love you' 'Not tired yet' 'can I come down? Talk' = firstly, nothing to do with fags, so forget that excuse. Short, cryptic, very familiar messages. Very personal in their brevity. They've clearly had previous exchanges that have already set the scene, so to speak. What that scene is, you aren't going to find out. But it isn't innocent. You know that.

Have you ever seen that film The Tall Guy? The Emma Thompson character dumps the Jeff Goldblum character after a party, where she works out that he's been shagging someone else as she watches the off-the-cuff familiarity between them - passing drinks without the usual polite acknowledgement etc., the shaggers unconsciously act like husband and wife, taking each other for granted. And she clicks.

That's what those messages remind me of. ' can I come down? Talk' - that's how people in relationships message one another. And why does he need to specify that it's just to talk? (Um, he didn't think to specify that it was just to borrow a cigarette...) So what else might she assume her come down for?

Just be clear in your head about what you want, and please don't get bogged down tying yourself in knots trying to make yourself believe it's ok. It isn't. You're past that.

Good luck, I'm so sorry. And just remember that if you hadn't had the FB info, you'd be none the wiser tonight and they'd be seeing each other in work tomorrow.

missscatterbrain is so right. Let him talk and keep what you say to a minimum. You need time to digest it all.

I wish you luck