Talk me down. DH away with colleagues. I have his iPad. FB messages.

[RolyPolyLittleBatFacedGirl]

Dh away on conference with colleagues. He's left his ipad here and FB messages show in the locked screen. Loads of messages from female colleague. I looked. Messages earlier like we're all drinking wine in so and so's room, come and join us.... fine.

But the latest exchange was of her taking the piss about something. Him saying 'love you', then 'not tired yet' and 'can I come down. Talk', she says 'Yeah for 15 min

That was nearly an hour ago. Green eyed me sent him a message to ask wtf was going on 45 mins ago and he's not seen it.

Watch out for him pretending that she is having a hard time, that she needed to talk, perhaps her husband is being mean, perhaps she needs a friend etc.

Watch out for him accusing you of anything.

A truly innocent person would be worried about you, do anything to make it right, understand your concern because they would feel it too if it were the other way around.

Its also fine to listen to him then go and have a think, for as long as you like. Nothing need be agreed or decided on or anything like that, no end of discussion or topic closed until you feel ready.

Don't make any snap decisions and whatever you decide to do in the next few weeks doesn't have to be forever.

She could have said 15 minutes only because she is sick of him sleazing after her or it could have been as a cover as she is up to no good. Can you see the time line from when he went to her room and when he left? No need to post it but you may get an idea of how long he actually was in her room.

"Don't fill in the silences"

This.

Let him talk. You listen. Then have some time to process it.

Good luck x

Totally agree re the silences: he should be doing the talking and explaining. Let him keep talking: that's when he will reveal more than he wanted to (if he does have things to hide). Be very wary if he starts to turn this into your issue- ie he tries to make it about you reading his Facebook or not trusting him. Any honest partner with love for their wife and nothing to hide would be hell bent on making her feel better, safe and reassured, not being defensive and angry.

Why would he defriend her if it's innocent, I know I wouldnt defriend anyone over something innocent (as he says it is).

Definitely try to get into his archive to see what's there. If he's been on Facebook on his phone then I doubt he will have had chance to delete them because I don't think you can access the archive on a phone. (I'm not hundred percent on that though)

He defriended her as instructed by OP. Which, personally, I see as a self sabotaging mistake on her part. You won't get to find any more evidence if he defriends, OP.

Yes yes to stay silent.

Ask him to tell you all. Then just listen. what he will be wanting you to do is start arguing, getting upset, so the whole thing can go madly off topic and he gets off the spot and gets to stop talking because you're doing it for him. Don't do that. The less you say, the more he will have to fill the silence and the more you will get out of him. It will unnerve him, he'll bluster, he'll give away more than he means to, if he's lying, then he will start to trip himself up. Don't get disgraced by being angry. Stay REALLY calm and focus all your attention on listening to his explanation.

Also, how do you know for sure he was drunk? As that would be a perfect excuse for messages etc

Disgraced?! I meant derailed!

Ah yes, I read that after. I should stop skimming replies.

What was he up to in her room for an hour if he only went to get a cigarette?? And the fact that he erased he messages tells you everything you need to know.

Even if nothing happened it is still wrong if he wanted it too.

Another pillock.

I am going to go against the tide here and suggest that he said to her he just wanted to talk to reassure her he wasnt up to anything. .so...maybe he wasn't. ..

fanjo it certainly suggests that he needed to say that in order to get into her room. Which suggests that even if he was hoping for something, she was not encouraging him.

Yes.

Or seriously..maybe he wasnt and they are just friends.

I am not naive and know people cheat.

But it didn't necessarily read like that to me.

Fanjo-

In which case he still deserves an absolute bollocking for being so short sighted as to go to a female friends room on a Work trip.

At worst he could have been vulnerable to a sexual harassment accusation...at best he could've started tongues wagging and rumours in the work place. It wasn't 2pm, it was midnight.

Totally inappropriate

Yes..these things happen on work nights out in my experience

I wonder if the work colleague is shiting herself too. obviously your DH will have told her that you are aware of the conversations and why she has been defriended on FB.
They have had time to get their story straight but l wonder what her DH would make of the message exchanges?

I agree that you should leg him talk. I hope it goes well op and remember you don't have to decide anything tonight.

I think she said 15 minutes to make it clear he wasn't to stay any longer.

Op - hope all is well. Thinking of you.

Hope you're ok OP. How did it go last night?