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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH won't tell me how much he earns.

439 replies

Katiejon · 24/03/2014 20:39

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 25/03/2014 12:57

Offred: is that directed at me?

Offred · 25/03/2014 13:02

Kind of.

It's this part of what you said;

"Is it not a joint cost as is so often pointed out here?? DP is a high earner but we share childcare costs as he wants me to work, he knew I didn't want to be at home all the time. I think your viewing this in a very narrow perspective; men don't value women's work so they should stay at home"

You can work because your DP respects and values your feelings and considers what you want so sees childcare as a household expense. This is not always the case. In families where the woman is a low earner, the man is the high earner and the woman is off on maternity leave, if the man doesn't value or respect you he can choose not to consider childcare a household responsibility and there is nothing the woman can do about it, she just cannot return to work because there is no way she can pay for childcare given her partner has decided he won't contribute.

Covalone78 · 25/03/2014 13:03

If you really are willing to throw away a marriage and totally disrupt the lives of your kids on a whole pile of conspiracy theory, without due regard to fact and based on the advice of a bunch of internet keyboard warriors..............
It is a sad fact of life in the 21st Century that because we have become so poor at communicating our lives are more and more based upon assumption. Would you really cross the road without looking?

AnyFucker · 25/03/2014 13:04

Covalone78, this woman is already "crossing the road without looking" every single day of her life and she finds it unacceptable, as would I.

Offred · 25/03/2014 13:05

So the husband picks and chooses what parts of the marriage he can be bothered with and 'tis the wife who is throwing the marriage away? Confused

Viviennemary · 25/03/2014 13:13

I think this thread does raise a few interesting points. When our DC's were small we both relied on each other's salary for childminding, bills and mortgage. Neither of us would have managed financially without the other. But if one person is a very high earner and the other persons lifestyle depends on that I think that could be a problem or become a problem.

Of course it might not ever become a problem but one in three marriages ends in divorce. So people do have to bear that in mind when they say oh I can spend as much as I want and trust my DH entirely. I wouldn't like to depend on a high earner to maintain my lifestyle.

Latraviata · 25/03/2014 13:15

I also don't know exactly what my dh earns. I know roughly as I have seen a pay slip but its not something we have ever discussed. I am a sahm and am also entirely reliant on his income and its not something I am happy with but its very hard to change the status quo after such a long time.

firesidechat · 25/03/2014 13:17

We don't know that he is 'keeping' the overtime money. He may be putting it in savings, they may be using it for holidays. It doesn't sound as if the OP is going short or begging for money.

Well that is spectacularly missing the point.

If he's putting it away in savings for holidays etc, why doesn't he just say so.

The OP isn't going short, but she's not being treated like an equal partner either. I would go mad if my husband had secret accounts and I'm not remotely controlling. Fortunately he would never do that and if I asked to look at where all our money was then he would tell me without hesitation.

Zone2mum · 25/03/2014 13:44

Agree that you need to get to the bottom of this OP, you need to know what your financial position is, as a family.

What is the reason for the will being made out like that? What does yours say? What provisions have been made in case your spouse dies or develops a critical illness/suffers an accident and is unable to work? Is he insured? Who is the beneficiary? What savings do you have as a family? Who owns your home? What debts are there? I think you need separate legal advice to work out a way forward if your husband refuses to give you this information.

It is essential, for you and your children's sakes. I query how anyone can have a proper partnership if this sort of fundamental information isn't shared and if an agreed approach to property and planning for the future is rendered impossible as a result. By staying at home you have facilitated his earning capacity, you are supposed to be partners and he just isn't treating you like one.

peggyundercrackers · 25/03/2014 13:47

i dont see why you need to know down to the last penny what he has - why do you want to know? why do you need to know? you seem to have money to do as you please but still want to know more? if you knew he had a load of savings would you want to spend it? maybe he wants to protect what savings he has so he has a cushion of money if anything happens, its not unreasonable.

we have our own accounts and neither of us know exactly how much the other is paid though we know roughly. we dont know about our pay rises, we only know what % bonus we get but dont generally speak about the actual monetary amount. we both pay for the things we agreed to pay for and buy what we want when we want, we dont generally consult nor ask each other before we buy something - we manage our own money/savings/investments and we both view our money as our own money and not shared money/family money- i have no idea how much savings my OH has and tbh i dont care - i know he has no debt though.

Logg1e · 25/03/2014 13:52

Peggy i dont see why you need to know down to the last penny what he has - why do you want to know? why do you need to know?

OP would like to work. She can't because of the family finances. However, now she's learned that there's a chance the finances have changed to such an extent that she could work, but her husband refuses to share this important, family, information with her.

Have I got that right?

Logg1e · 25/03/2014 13:55

Peggy if you knew he had a load of savings would you want to spend it? maybe he wants to protect what savings he has so he has a cushion of money if anything happens, its not unreasonable

But these aren't his decisions to make. They are their decisions to agree to.

Offred · 25/03/2014 13:55

Peggy- more people who have work lecturing SAHPs about having money to do as they please...

The money they have is enough to find their current lifestyle as far as the op knows. What if she wants to return to work? That's a huge extra expense and she is not being allowed the information she needs about their joint (because they are married) income to be able to make that choice.

How would you feel if you were trapped as a SAHM because your husband provided enough to fund that lifestyle but no more?

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 25/03/2014 13:59

Yours is a totally different situation peggy because you are working too. You are not financially tied in the same way. It's not how I would choose to do it but lots of people seem happy doing it that way.

Do you not see the shift in balance when one is earning and the other isn't? Does the non earner not have any say over savings, investments, planning for their future, just because they have a different role in the family? Do you really expect the non earner not to care about these things? For what possible reason would the earner want to hide what they earn, other than that they do not see themselves as equal partners, and want to hold onto things for themselves, or hide money/investments in case of divorce?

merrymouse · 25/03/2014 13:59

It's fine to have completely separate finances as long as you are prepared to support any children you have single handedly and don't expect any support from your partner. In that case though, why bother getting married?

merrymouse · 25/03/2014 14:08

Even if you are working or you are the higher earner, how can you make any joint plans or plans for your children if you don't know how much money you have?

Equally women have been prosecuted for claiming benefits for their children when they weren't entitled to them based on their partner's income.

If 2 people are bringing up children it is a joint effort and withholding financial information from the other parent is not in their interests unless you are trying to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship.

JaneinReading · 25/03/2014 14:09

I earned 10x more (woman earning more than man - does happen) in our marriage. We always had joint accounts for everything, similar views on savings for houses and school fees. I did both of our tax returns as I am interested in tax law as many women are thankfully although not enough. Whether couples share money or not is up to them but I would highly recommend before you even marrying seeing P60s, pay slips, pension statements and the like. You are sharing a life together. Having secrets is rarely the best way to go and if you are more interested in nail varnish and dresses change yourself those that are so that you become interested in financial matters where so many women are woefully inadequate.

LEMmingaround · 25/03/2014 14:10

It doesn't matter a fuck if the op works, wants to work, doesn't want to work, earns more than her DH, he is being secretive - SECRETIVE - that is the problem, not what he earns, not whether he is keeping the op short (because he isn't) its because he is being secretive.

nauticant · 25/03/2014 14:16

why you need to know down to the last penny

These threads often attract the disingenuous last penny posts when the OP's are simply asking whether it's right for them to be put in the picture.

And strangely, they're usually made by posters who are not SAHPs.

peggyundercrackers · 25/03/2014 14:18

logg1e i disagree that its not his decision to make about his savings.

Offred OP has not said that her DH will stop providing money for the house/childcare if she goes back to work so your scenrio doesnt exist - its only in your head.

whatsthecomingoverthehill - i do se where the OP is coming from but if her DH is putting a figure, say 1000PCM as an example, into an account for her is he not effectively paying her 1000 PCM - so if she wants to save from that money she can, if she wants to buy clothes from it she can - she can do whatever she wants with the money - or thats what i am picking up from what the OP has written. i dont get why she needs to know what he does with the rest of his money if all the family commitments are taken care of and she has money to spare from what her allowance is - only my POV though.

peggyundercrackers · 25/03/2014 14:23

janeinreading i earn 4x what DH earns and make sure i know exactly what i do with all the money i earn and where i stand with pensions/savings/investments etc. as i said i have a rough idea about what DH has but dont really pay much attention to it - hes a big boy and can manage himself but if either of us need help or want to speak about it we do. in 15yrs though we have never had any issues between us when it comes to money.

merrymouse · 25/03/2014 14:28

What on earth would the point be of saving money from her 'allowance' without being able to plan for long term goals by being able to say e.g. 'I really want to save some money so thd children can put down a deposit on a house' or 'I want to retire when we are young enough to travel' or 'I still have another 40 years of working life ahead of me - I want to pay for childcare now so I don't have too big a career gap' or 'let's rent our house out and travel the world'.

What is she supposed to be saving for with her squirrelling away of her spending money? Shoes?

merrymouse · 25/03/2014 14:31

And what if your partner is suddenly ill or made redundant? It is really, really silly not to be open about these things when your life is tied up with another person and you are jointly responsible for dependants.

RedRoom · 25/03/2014 14:37

I can't understand why some posters think it's OK for a husband to be in charge of all the bills and savings, and to refuse to tell his wife how financially secure they are in terms of savings, the mortgage etc. A marriage is a partnership. Of course you can have separate accounts and spend your money however you see fit, but for the OP to not have any clue about her own family's financial status- despite asking to be involved- is not ok . What about decisions like buying a new car, going on holiday or getting the kitchen done: effectively, DH makes all of the decisions based on info that only he has access to, and he is determined to exclude the OP.

Original poster
Katiejon · 25/03/2014 14:40

Hi everyone. I'm about to do the school run.
I will keep asking dh in a reasonable voice for the gaps in my knowledge.
His silence only makes me worry that there is something to hide, and he's not treating me as an equal, but as a servant of some sort.

OP posts:
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