DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

Exactly, the secrecy makes it a big deal.

I find it bizarre that people think this is remotely OK. The OP doesn't have the opportunity to go out and earn extra money for herself because they have agreed that she will look be at home. So why should the husband keep the extra to himself, when he is only able to do that due to her taking on a particular role? Morally speaking it is not right. And what about financial planning for the future - savings, pensions, kids trust funds - surely these would all be joint decisions? Or do some people have the attitude that because he has earned it he has the right to dictate where it is spent. Otherwise it is financial abuse (and yes it is abusive even if she has 'enough' to live on).

If they were to divorce all assets would be considered joint, yet actually during the marriage it is OK for one to control more than the other? What a stupid world we live in where this is thought an acceptable setup.

We had a thread not long ago, where the OP had many nice things at home, but the husband was punishing her by not giving her money or even getting food for her.
It could get that bad. And it could happen to anyone who doesn't have the most basic control over family finances, or personal savings.

wonders what happened to that poster, but I digress

Well, if he continues to treat you like an idiot he will have to disclose all his assets to your lawyer and lose half of them to you, along with a good chunk of his future earnings. Maybe explain that to him.

I don't want to be in this situation but I am and I have to change things, the status quo.

Lots of issues. Is it possible to have a simple discussion with your DH?

In my DH's family, joint accounts were not done because a long time ago Uncle Jo cheated UK wife with Australian wife and when UK wife found out she cleared the proverbial joint account.

My DH very seriously retold me this story initially to justify transfers rather than joint account when I became, by joint decision, a SAHP. I explained that our marriage could not work if he was planning for its failure. We now have a joint account.

I agree than knowing doe not equal you taking it. There is no risk for him in sharing.

You ought to be planning together, savings, pension for both of you (as you are a SAHP you need to save for that too), how to pay for home, holiday, education (school or university fees).

All this needs financial disclosure.

has there been a ctalyst for this?

I thought the advice from a poster about getting a credit report done was an excellent idea. I did this before getting a mortgage, just to check that no dodgy loans had been set up in my name! It was very quick & easy to do online and only cost a few quid. They sent through details of every account I ever had: store cards, loans, bank accounts, whether I was on the electoral register, but the main thing was that my OH appeared on it whenever we'd done anything jointly or had made a financial commitment whilst residing at the same address. It also showed up whether payments on everything had been made on time each month. As you are married and live at the same address, I'd expect it to bring up a fair amount of info that would put your mind at ease (or not). It's not spying: you are perfectly entitled to see your own credit report and the status of your own family's financial affairs.

Do you have a history of profligate spending? If not, then I'd be pretty concerned.

As always with these threads its really hard to tell what is going on. The OP could be trying to find out this information because she is intending to divorce her DH!

I still don't know why the Op feels she has to have this information?

Also, it makes me despair when women choose to be totally financially reliant on a man.

I know vaguely what DP earns, I do not know what his bonus is, but I know what he is going to do with it. He does not know what I earn.

The OP could be trying to find out this information because she is intending to divorce her DH!
So?

Really pisses me off when I read threads with judgey smugging about not knowing why women would make themselves dependent on a man.

A. If you are married then legally the earning partner's salary is joint it is never 'his money'.

B. If the father is a high earner and the mother is a low earner then once you have a child, but especially more than one child, you basically have no access to childcare because you get no state help and your salary won't cover the cost. You are therefore entirely dependent on your husband's decision, he may consider you an equal but it is still up to him, you literally cannot work without him not only deciding to allow it but also being on board with supporting it through personal sacrifice. It is unlikely, even with reasonably good men, that they'll want to invest in their wife's happiness at cost to them because no-one wants to make sacrifices for other people if they don't have to and many men in this position genuinely feel their wife's equality with them is not dependent on work and they should be happy being at home. I don't need to point out the irony of making decisions about someone else's life and thinking you are treating them with respect do I?

(If you're married each person's salary is joint, not sure what right to privacy about that exists there, why get married - a contract which is almost exclusively about committing to sharing financial assets, if you want to be financially private?)

And if he's doing overtime why should he have any right to keep that for himself? Surely the money should be being used or at least offered to the op in order to pay for childcare during his regular hours so that she can choose to develop her own career?

When you sign the marriage or civil partnership document, whether you like it or not, your financial situations become linked by law.

Not being aware of what your spouse earns, owes or owns or concealing this information from your spouse could cost you huge amounts of money. This is particularly stupid when you have children.

For me, I would find it difficult to decide whether the stupidity or the secrecy was worse.

Surely if your husband is a high earner you can afford to pay for childcare. Is it not a joint cost as is so often pointed out here?? DP is a high earner but we share childcare costs as he wants me to work, he knew I didn't want to be at home all the time. I think your viewing this in a very narrow perspective; men don't value women's work so they should stay at home??

As with all of these threads we are only getting a snapshot from a single perspective. People were insuating that the DH was looking to get divorced or was cheating - a bit of a stretch.

And I didn't intend to be 'smug' about women being dependent on men, but you only have to read the myriad of threads of this ilk on here. Before you agreed to give up your independence be totally clear on what that means.

Giving up your financial independence does not equate to accepting secrecy and not being treated as equal partner.

We don't know that he is 'keeping' the overtime money. He may be putting it in savings, they may be using it for holidays. It doesn't sound as if the OP is going short or begging for money.

With all due respect Ofred when we got married we also had a pre-nup agreement setting out the capital I brought to the relationship and an understanding that the capital, or its equivalent in a rising/falling market would remain mine whatever happened to the marriage.

It appears that some people say their marriage vows without giving a second thought about what the words actually mean.

I you don't know what your DH earns, how do you know what you can afford to buy? Does the amount of money he gives you allow you to spend freely, or are you needing to penny pinch?

Does the family have any savings? What would happen if he lost is job?

It would be a shame if you had both been spending every penny that he has earnt to then suffer a drop in income and end up struggling and wish that you had put something by in the good times. And it would be equally a shame if you had been scrimping and saving and living on value beans only to find that he has massive savings in the bank.

What are your pension arrangements? Do you pay for major house repairs, buy a new car or go on holiday without borrowing?

You say 'all bills are paid' but do you know that this is true? How does your lifestyle fit with your household income?

Without knowing what your DH earns, there are just too many unknowns and you could end up finding out that, for example, he earns a lot less than you thought and he maintains your lifestyle by getting into huge debt and it will all fall down around you one day?

Or he could die or leave you and you could be destitute. If all the money is in his name, you wouldn't be able to access it.

Can you save any money out of the money he gives you for a rainy day? Does he expect you to account for what you spend?

A post full of questions that just illustrates why the situation you are in is not on.

I don't think it strange he has a will, I worded that badly:)

I meant you should both have a will, with trustees in place should anything happen to you both. People don't tend to like doing wills, it reminds them they aren't immortal! If you have a will op, did you leave everything to your dh? If he did it before marriage its different. Have you been married long?

I suppose I would be concerned because of old age, providing for dc if they wanted to go to uni- who will be making that decision? What if you worked? Would he want to know your salary? And if you inherited any money, would he want to know how much and where is it?

How do you pay for childcare out of your husband's salary?

I agree with all those seeing large red flags!
OP - are you joint owner of your home? Can you find that out now, from the land registry?

Your husband might be able to help using his high salary to pay for the childcare that costs more than your wage. If the childcare costs more than your wage and your husband's earning mean you aren't entitled to help with childcare just how do you go back to work without his support? Only by leaving him tbh...

Prenups are not generally enforceable near. They may be upheld if there are no public policy issues ie where both partners were wealthy on marriage and wanted to protect their assets and one partner is not being left vulnerable by upholding the pre nup.

In any case a pre nup which you both know is a condition of marriage before you marry is completely different to a high earning partner marrying and then unilaterally deciding to protect 'his' earnings.