DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

"
If he won't reveal info to me, I have to think what action I can take to either force him to reveal income or to end this marriage."

The thing is, if you have to force him to reveal it then you haven't really achieved anything - you had to force him.

Have you told him that this is a potential deal breaker?

I have to carry thru with intent to end marriage.
I have to force myself to have the courage to face future as single mum, but at least I won't be kept in the dark.

Do you really think he'll continue to refuse to share this information if your marriage is at risk??

I find it very strange reading the comments of people who don't think this 'D'H needs to share information like this with his DW. What happens if tomorrow he is run over by a bus? How does the OP and her DC survive? Does she know where savings are, where the bank accounts are? He is acting irresponsibly and selfishly.

I'll reiterate, if he does not care enough about you to want you to feel secure in the marriage, if he cares more about his 'privacy' than your comfort, then you do need to think very hard as to whether or not you want to stay in the marriage. I'm not saying LTB, just that you may want to consider couples counseling to help try to open better communication. You also need to think about other areas in your marriage. Are they compartmentalized into 'his or yours' as opposed to 'ours'? Does he inquire about/participate in the children's school reports, homework, or activities or does he consider that as 'your job'? Does he share in the running of the home or does he just come home, pop his feet on the ottoman & call for pipe & slippers?

You aren't asking him to 'account to you', you are asking him to 'share information'. You aren't asking him to stop spending/saving the money, you are asking to know where the money is going. Worlds of difference and he is choosing purposely inflammatory responses to your reasonable questions to try to put you in the wrong & make you look like a shrew. Below the belt fighting, IMHO designed to make you want to 'hush up' to avoid looking 'naggy'.

A case called Imerman v Imerman also said it was up to the couple. if you both choose to keep things secret, never see each other's bank sttaements, pay slips, files then if the other person breaches privacy by snooping they break the law.

The key here is both.

The OP has no right to financial privacy in this instance.

If he's run over by a bus, his brothers have £x, this is ridiculous.
Maybe it's not just him who is involved, maybe its the brotherz.

He thinks I'M the unreasonable one!

"If he's run over by a bus, his brothers have £x, this is ridiculous.
Maybe it's not just him who is involved, maybe its the brothers."

Are the brothers married? If so, have your SiLs ever spoken of the situation where their husbands will get your husbands money? Have they ever discussed their family financial arrangements with you? Not in depth, but as I mentioned before my sister & I had discussed how we handled family finances, not necessarily how much money we had, just how much we knew about where the money went. Is this financial secrecy a 'family trait'?

One sil is a bigmouth, the other will claim ignorance.

If he is run over by a bus, it is not just the will to worry about. That will all take time. You will need money there and then to continue paying for food, heating, petrol etc. Where will you get that from?

(DH and I have a document listing all our bank and savings accounts so if something happens to one of us, we both know where all the money is.)

That's a good way to frame the conversation- share the info, not account to you.

But you account to him. He knows exactly how much money you have and where it goes, roughly. Unless you have to provide receipts!

How would any of us feel, having been told its ok to be a sahm that actually there is no money, and you could have been working?

Why is he so scared of telling you? Unless you have a history of running up debt, and he is nervous you'll start a jimmy choo habit I can't see why he makes it such a big deal. Maybe because actually, it is a big deal.

I don't have to explain my expenditure to him, so he thinks no need for himto explain income to me.

Well then, if you don't have to explain to him, maybe you should just open your own 'secret account' and start taking cash to make deposits to it out of whatever account you use to run the household so you'll have money 'just in case'. Then you can tell him you need more money for the household expenses. When he asks why that is, just tell him that you don't have to explain your expenditures to him as he doesn't think he needs to explain income to you.

Wonder how he'll feel with the shoe on the other foot?

You must know what he does for a living so you must have some rough idea of what he earns, surely?

Don't you ever sit down with him and disacuss your future plans i.e. when you will have another child, when you will move to a larger house, when and where you will go on holiday? If not, then he's sailing through this marriage without giving your views, hopes, aspeirations etc any consideration whatsoever.

That's not a marriage. That's a lucky bloke who is free to do what he likes with his time and money while the unpaid skivvy looks after his offspring.

Re the will. If he made it before marriage it's invalid. If he doesn't make adequate provision for you and your children, then you can challenge it, but you'll erode the value of the estate by doing so. If he doesn't have a valid will that is a very precarious position for you to be in. Ideally, as a married couple you would have 'mirror wills' that provide for either of you and the children in the event of the other's death.

Why he is intent on leaving some of the estate to his brothers rather than all to his wife and children. Is this a cultural norm of some description?

Personally, I don't think you have a marriage worth saving when communication is so poor and his views appear to be so entrenched.

Where can I go in real life for emotional backup and strategy?

Womens Aid should help you realise that you are being abused financially and give you emotional support.

You need to speak to a solicitor for the strategy aspect. But you cannot make a spouse start treating you as an equal. They have to want to - somthing that seems lacking in your marriage.

Would this be grounds for unreasonable behaviour in the event of a divorce. I think it would be.

Going 2 sleep. I'll post tommorrow.

Programme last night on channel 5 I think, a man gambled away 750k, he hid it from his sah wife. She had no idea until it was too late.

Get your own credit file. Try noddle it is free and instant.

Definitely unreasonable behaviour.

Sleep well, Katiejon.

Lweji - I think if one partner is open and the other not that means the one who is not open has made it clear they want their privacy respected so there is no right to pry. i would say go ahead and pry anyway as very few husbands are likely to sue for breach of privacy rights or interception.

On unreasonable behaviour - there is one ground for divorce - that the marriage is irretrievably over which can be shown by UB BUT just about any marriage in the UK you can make that out. Divorce is not the issue here. In fact she needs to pretend never to want a divorce until she has got all the financial details. As soon as you mention divorce people like this take even more steps to hide financial materials, keep stuff at the office, change passwords.

Aside from the money thing, how is your marriage? Do you socialise together, have fun, enjoy holidays and each other's company?

How old are your children? Do you have help with them? Would you be able to cope as a single parent?

If your husband is this secretive would he be able to get a divorce settlement in his favour? If you are going down that route be careful about what you post here. On another thread I noticed you out your postcode in, if, and it's a big IF your husband searched here could what you said in other threads be used against you? I'm really hoping your name isn't Katie Jon.... Something. Keep getting help here, but be aware this isn't a private forum.

He says he's keeping stuff at the office now.
He will be hotdesking soon, so I said bring paperwork home so to keep and I will file them.