The ex wife

[Justthegirlfriend]

Long time lurker first time poster.

My bf ex wife is starting to become a bit of a nightmare and its really hard for me to bite my tounge so I'm going to have a wee rant. Please don't flame me but I need to get this out. I did try netmums but there was too much huni and xx for my liking. Plus you lovely vipers will give it to me straight

1. She is demanding to meet me not to just be aware of me but to see how simple I am - wft I am an educated 30 year old woman who does not need to be judged by a random woman who seems to want to hate me from the get go. I was all for her meeting me before I meet the boys but now not so much.

1. She has told him that he is not allowed to live with my at all or ever because this is a bad environment for the children and it will confuse them. This woman through him a short time before the new bf moved in even the 5 year old knows that's what happened. No idea how it would be a bad environment we both work and are respectable people.

1. Everything we do she has to do better. We have a night out in a so called "posh" part for town and had a few bottle of champagne we had a fab night. It's no big dealing going to this part of town I have always went there but she has to boast about going to the same part of town and drinking champagne because we have.

Pleases give me some coping stratages and please tell me this nonsense will stop. I have tried the this too shall pass but I don't think it will.

Oh god I'm a bitch aren't I?

This shouldn't have been moved to this board. There is far to much projection from people that are/have been hurt very recently

You were getting posts saying it all seems a bit quick and to be careful before it was moved to relationships.

Someone mentioned step mums, the OP isn't a step mum, she hasnt even met her boyfriends children. This is definitely a 'relationship' issue rather than a step parenting one.

FTR I am not 'hurt' recently or otherwise and have never been the ex in a situation like this, so no projection from my end.

Re coping strategies, all the while your boyfriend involves you [by showing you texts etc] there is little you can do TBH. You should be questioning why he feels the need to set up a 'battle' between you and his ex.

The only "coping strategy" I can suggest is that you don't date a man that is still married and expect things to go all your own way

It's also helpful to make sure that bloke has a spine and doesn't play one woman against another

Balia, some salt to go with the vinegar?

To cheat you have to have certain personality traits, these will be evident before you marry. They include telling lies.

This thread is weird and I've had a glass of wine so probably should not post but there is a lot of blaming and projecting going on here..
OP I have kind of been where you are in that my partner (now) of 7 years had only recently split with his ex when we got together. After a year I realised that I was a bit of a rebound relationship, and have had many problems over the years concerning him and his ex. Different problems to yours but still problems caused by him getting into a new relationship before he was really ready.

Anyway good luck maybe the two if you will go on to have a long relationship. I think it would actually be a good idea for you to meet his ex and try to be friendly, to prevent her becoming an evil character in your life. She's just a person
just like you. It will make getting on much easier.

I know and like my exes new DW. It makes life sooooo much easier than the situation with my DP where I have never met his ex (she does live 4 hours away) and it has affected so many things regarding his DCs and continues to do so.
I'll shut up now :-)

Any Fucker you always have the best advice and in the least words...

thanks, charley

Just a couple things came to mind...

1- you have agreed to live with a man and you haven't yet met his children? The words "rushing" and "it" come to mind. Slow down. Even if YOU know he's the one, you have to consider his children - that's fast for them to adjust to. Have a bit of compassion for them.

2- and why is HE in such a rush? it sounds a bit like he's playing one of you against the other somewhat. Sorry, but shouldn't his focus be on the DCs first and THEN you?

I think the advice to slow things down is good advice.

Ethel thanks for the offer, I shall enjoy scoffing my chips and reading your many, many posts to women who have discovered their 'D'H's affair, letting them know they are to blame as they should have known he would cheat on them and it is their own fault for marrying a liar.

How odd that I haven't seen them before.

and there is no need to meet her at all.

Just grow a thick skin, learn to ignore and all will be well.

Good luck OP

Thanks miss fenella

How is access to his children going to work when you live together but haven't met his children? Are they going to turn up one day and there you are?

I would slow down. If it is all loves young dream and will last forever then no need to rush it all is there?

Listen to what Any Fucker says.

I know you aren't best pleased with some of the responses on this thread but people are genuinely trying to help you and give you good advice.

Slow Down.

I am meeting them over the next few weeks he only has a days access we are just trying to see what the best way is for them to meet me.

Any fucker your comments are noted but him still being technically married will not change things for me. That is a non issue for me

This thread is certainly weird.

'Take things slowly' and 'don't rush in blindly' are well known and sensible bits of advice as far as relationships go, particularly when there are children involved.

Why that is viewed as projection or judgement I have no idea.

Op- I think I would agree to meet with her, then leave it at that.

I disagree entirely about the cheated on partner being to blame, what an odd thing to say.

Perhaps distance yourself from your partner's divorce. It won't help matters if she thinks you are putting your twopenneth in.

OP- you clearly came onto MN today to slag off your boyfriend's wife, and for us to all go "poor you, she's a mad psycho bitch go and biff her one" or some such guff.

The idea that you should be posting on step-parenting when you barely know this man is absurd.

I have 2 fabulous step parents who I adore. And have been in a happy monogamous relationship for the past 17 years. I am frequently to be found supporting women whose partners have yet to leave their wives, so no projection from this end I can assure you.

You have told us today stuff about your boyfriend.

And when we react to what you have said about him, we are the character assassins.

You are clearly not going to listen to anyone who says anything you don't like, so I shall bow out and leave you to it.

A word to the wise though. Just cos he says it is, don't make it so.

I think perhaps the fact that you seek him being technically married as a "non issue" is in fact the actual issue.

You are choosing to walk blindly. , You could also choose to heed well what good woman are trying to share with you. Your choice.

Can I ask why her partner is spineless?

I agree with cooling things until the divorce has been finalised. This is not a moral issue. Their relationship is still unravelling and will be for some time after the divorce. You are already being sucked into their vortex of heightened emotions (evidenced by nonsense regarding champagne on both sides and the "simple" text - which I think you wildly mis-interpreted btw) and those emotions will intensify during the divorce process. In short, you are in danger of going through a painful divorce too.

Every situation is different. But I recommend not meeting the children until the divorce is finalised too, mainly for the reasons stated above. At the very least, I would be inclined to put off for quite a bit longer than you are suggesting. Their family has broken apart (they don't care who is at fault) and you haven't even been with their dad that long in the big scheme of things. I actually also think the children need to spend their time with their dad just with their dad in these early days. They deserve his undivided attention right now.

I am speaking as a step-mum of 9 years standing...Met DP when he was separated (I was not married & had no kids).

At no point have I said that I want to be a step parent. I asked for coping strats and opinions on if her behaviour was normal. I didn't ask anything about my bf behaviour you decided to jump all over that.

I think this thread should be left to disappear.

The children have their time with their dad every Sunday and i make sure I keep my distance ie I'm home before they get to his and I do not contact bf on a Sunday as I know how important his time is with them.

I would never encroach on that time

As I said time this thread to die

For*