The ex wife

[Justthegirlfriend]

Long time lurker first time poster.

My bf ex wife is starting to become a bit of a nightmare and its really hard for me to bite my tounge so I'm going to have a wee rant. Please don't flame me but I need to get this out. I did try netmums but there was too much huni and xx for my liking. Plus you lovely vipers will give it to me straight

1. She is demanding to meet me not to just be aware of me but to see how simple I am - wft I am an educated 30 year old woman who does not need to be judged by a random woman who seems to want to hate me from the get go. I was all for her meeting me before I meet the boys but now not so much.

1. She has told him that he is not allowed to live with my at all or ever because this is a bad environment for the children and it will confuse them. This woman through him a short time before the new bf moved in even the 5 year old knows that's what happened. No idea how it would be a bad environment we both work and are respectable people.

1. Everything we do she has to do better. We have a night out in a so called "posh" part for town and had a few bottle of champagne we had a fab night. It's no big dealing going to this part of town I have always went there but she has to boast about going to the same part of town and drinking champagne because we have.

Pleases give me some coping stratages and please tell me this nonsense will stop. I have tried the this too shall pass but I don't think it will.

Oh god I'm a bitch aren't I?

I would agree with the comments that say he was not long enough out of his marriage before he met you. Why would you get embroiled in that? You are getting mixed up in what is really still the end of the marriage.

Wow daff. I'm not some sort of girl who goes after married men. He was separated when I met him. I didn't ruin any marriage.

With regards to Facebook it was two pics nothing boasting or trying to get one up on someone I have never met.

I have asked him if he thinks we need to slow down and we are both in a agreement that we are happy with things are where we both think we are heading.

I think it's completely unfair for you all to sit there and tell me to run and end things.

I asked for coping strats and if this is normal ie her comments not a character assassination on my bf

He may be separated he is still married, their marriage is not over it is still in the ending process, despite them both having other partners.

Her comments in the text are not about you, they are about him.

Does he want you to meet her, to smooth things over for when the children come and stay with him?

I agree with Boney, too many judgement statements here. Who knows why his wife had an affair, it could that they fell out of love and making do for the kids, it might have ended years before she asked him to leave.

Both are adults, and the OP wasn't asking for opinions on how successful this relationship is.

OP, my sister is in a similar situation for the last 5 years. Best advice I can give is for you to carry on in your relationship as you are. Don't need to meet her alone, unless it's all of you together, including cohildren and your boyfriend. She sounds mental and Will probably have very little to say of any significance.

Just put everything she says and does as petty jealousy and ignore.

It was on the cards but it's now on hold

Oh dear - welcome to the reality of life as a stepmother on MN.

Whatever you do is wrong. Mothers are always right, even if they are the ones who have had affairs or contact block, and you shouldn't get involved at all. And as well as staying out of it and having nothing to do with the DCs, you have no right to object to being 'inspected' WRT your suitability. Or to complain, about anything at all, because 'you knew what you were getting into'.

And of course your DP has no right to say anything whatsoever about the behaviour of his ex.

Head on over to the Step board. You don't sound like a silly girl who doesn't know her own mind - if you feel you have a future with your bf, it might be helpful to hear about some of the pitfalls from people who have been there.

I don't think I have ever read a thread that suggested blocking contact was acceptable. This thread isn't like that at all. You have what sounds like three childish show offs childishly showing off. And childishly pretending that they are not showing off. Champagne in the best part of town. Who gives a shit?

Thanks baila & RRRJ83 I think i will head over and have a look

Oh Balia here's some vinegar to go with that chip

Nobody's assassinating the BF. It could well be the case that his wife's a complete bitch. Doesn't alter the fact that the BF seems incapable of preventing his wife's behaviour negatively impact on his relationship with the OP. Until he finds a way he can manage that there are only two coping strategies available to the OP - bail or put up with it.

I have a lunatic XP. He tried stunts that would make the wife in this scenario seem tame. He has not been able to have any impact on my current relationship because I have worked very hard at engineering my life so that he cannot. It takes time and isn't easy, but i knew it would not be fair on any new partner, my children or myself to embark on dating until that was the case.

We don't live in a perfect world. THe OP's BF won't be the first to embark on a new relationship before the time is right. Sometimes they even work out. Hopefully this will be one of those. THe OP and her BF will have to come up with strategies together. But it's him that needs to be proactive if that's going to work, not a bunch of strangers on the internet. If this is a problem the OP is working harder to fix than her BF, it never will work.

Good luck OP I hope it works out for you.

THe only coping strategy I would give you is do not allow things to become more committed until your BF has more effectively distanced from his wife. And in the meantime, read up a bit on transference. If I had a £1 for everyone (male or female) who's been told by a partner that their X had an affair and is a fruitloop who "can't let go" who then turns out to be themselves the one who had an affair and is manipulative, I'd be a rich woman. Until you meet the woman herself or get other independent evidence of her behaviour, treat with caution.

Theres absolutely nothing in your op that actually affects you at all. Let your DP handle her, it has nothing to do with you, unless you want it to be.

This shouldn't have been moved to this board. There is far to much projection from people that are/have been hurt very recently.

I have not been hurt recently and I am not projecting.

To be honest, my perspective above is as a stepmum. I did not know at the time my husband was only three months out of the relationship with DSD's mum. Although in retrospect, it made sense when he finally told me the truth.

The feelings this soon out, regardless what has happened, are way too raw, and if the legal stuff is not sorted out either, emotions will still run high.

My other perspective is being divorced myself. I would say you need a clear year.

I know for 100% that she was the reason for the break down of the marriage and so I have seen the text messages back and forward. I am not a silly wee girl I fully understand that someone can or could be lying but when his friends & parents confirm that's what happened i would bet my house that he was not to blame

He is partly to blame, he went into a marriage and had children with the wrong person, he is as much a failure as she is for the marriage breakdown.

No marriage is perfect and very few are actually happy and full of passion, I have only ever known one long term marriage like that. Most have up's and down's, and they just rub along together, the rest divorce.

A marriage with a cheat in it, means that the cheated on spouse has made a poor choice in life partner.

You are way too invested in the pile of crap that is the end of a marriage. You know too much and you've been told too much and he - and she - are doing their getting over it on your time. That's my take on it. By all means, go ahead if he means that much to you but bear in mind she is quite possibly a perfectly ordinary woman (just like you) whose marriage ended for reasons that you will never really know. But fuck if I would sit opposite a man while he read texts from his ex wife unless they concerned his children.

Ethel I think you are projecting. If it was a woman that was cheated on age was left would you at the same thing?

Yeah - the swine! Fancy marrying her all those years ago when he should have known she would want to have sex with some randomer years later when they'd had kids! Definitely his fault!

Well if his friends and family confirm it, it must be true then.

None of us know you OP. We have no vested interest in breaking up your relationship or seeing the negative. You asked for coping strategies and most people felt the best strategy was to apply the brakes.

Half of all relationships fail. Throw in complicated difficult beginnings for those relationships and the odds are even less in their favour. No one is saying don't bother, they're just saying protect yourself and stay safe (emotionally) by not becoming over involved too quickly and by looking at things with some critical analysis skills.

That's not projection, it's sensible advice for anyone embarking on a new relationship under any circumstances.

I'm sorry if that feels harsh. I don't want to upset you anymore than anyone else does. Why would we? What possible difference would it make to us what you do? Have you considered - and I mean this kindly - that one of the reasons you're so defensive about the replies your getting is because they're speaking to a little voice in the back of your head that you don't want to hear?

I was a wife with children who was cheated on, I was in this husbands position, how can I be projecting? It was half a life time ago. He needs a year on his own and to get a divorce before starting a relationship. You should be having the best part of your relationship now and you are not. You have no baggage, I do not understand why you bother with this toxic mess.

You can't possibly know 100% because you were not in their house and you were not part of their marriage breakdown. Neither were his friends and his family.