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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH taking Heroin

126 replies

changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:06

Came home last night to find my DH so sound asleep that I couldn't wake him up. I checked his pockets and found a used needle. He has a history of drug taking and has been to rehab once a long time ago. This is the first time I have found him with anything for a long time but the use of a needle would suggest that he has probably been smoking it secretly for a while.

I dont really know what to do because I know he wont leave the house if I ask him to leave and I have two children and I don't want to leave as they are at nursery and established here and If I left I would have to go back to my mums and disrupt their lives and I don't see why I should leave when ive done nothing wrong.

Im really just looking for some advice and some experience of this. Should I just leave anyway? I want to tell his brother about it but I don't want to put the worry and burden onto him and his family. I thought maybe I would say that unless I see him actively seeking help through AA then I will tell his family. Im not sure though. His family will be devastated at the news.

He is still in bed right now I haven't spoken to him about any of this yet.

OP posts:
AhCmonSeriouslyNow · 22/03/2014 19:08

Not sure what to advise, 999 but how horrible to find this.

I totally understand not wanting to disrupt their lives - is your mum far away?

Why do you think he won't leave?

Mumof3xx · 22/03/2014 19:09

What if one of your dc found the needle

This must be an awful situation

My oh has also used drugs in the past and I once found paraphernalia in my living room which was the last straw re allowing the situation to continue

Original poster
changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:14

what did you do to stop the situation mumof3xx?

He wont leave because he has nowhere really to go. His family don't live near by. My mum is about an hour away so i could stay with her but only for a few nights which doesn't solve anything. Plus I don't see what I should have to disrupt the kids lives. They have nursery etc.

I an so angry at him. He has put our kids in so much danger. I will never ever trust him alone with them again. ever.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 22/03/2014 19:15

Would you be prepared to tell the police? He may well have drugs on him, or hidden around your home, that your dc could access. And it would get him out of the house for you, maybe look at getting him bailed to another address on his release and take out some kind of restraining order? I wouldn't tolerate any kind of drugs around my dc, although other people have different lines that they won't allow to be crossed.

Good luck Thanks

Mumof3xx · 22/03/2014 19:16

I made him leave. He didn't put up a fight tbh

It wasn't heroin though. So I think less addictive.

We are together now and he knows I would drop him like a sack of shit if I found out it was going on again

Odaat · 22/03/2014 19:20

Try al Anon? They would be able to advise you- you could google their helpline or go along to a meeting? I think that he needs to go as heroin is not acceptable in a house with kids ... Say this to him.

Original poster
changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:20

Im terrified of calling the police. I feel a bad enough mother as it is for leaving the house the one night. I dont want the children investigated! I cant call the police on my DH anyway, and where would he go. He loves his kids. He is not a bad person. He has a full time job etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:21

I called the helpline, they said that I need to make him call them so they can explain that it is a criminal offence to have drugs in the house with children.

God this is so awful.

OP posts:
Mumof3xx · 22/03/2014 19:22

You say he's not a bad person
He's doing a bad thing
He's putting your dc at risk

Him having a job won't save them if they get hold of his stash

Bloodyteenagers · 22/03/2014 19:22

Tough shit if he has no where to go. He should have thought about that before he started injecting shit into his veins and bringing a used needle into the house.
He hasn't got any choice in the matter. He leaves.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2014 19:23

Where he would go is really of no concern to you. He has made a conscious choice to use again. Where are the consequences for his actions?. You cannot ignore this and he needs to leave the family home.

What he is now doing is putting you in a terrible position as well as dragging you and the children down with him.

HermioneWeasley · 22/03/2014 19:23

Throw him out and change the locks.

Bloodyteenagers · 22/03/2014 19:24

If he loved his kids. If he wasn't a bad person. He wouldn't do drugs. He wouldn't bring a used needle into the house. Fuck knows who else has used that needle. Fuck knows how he has risked your life.. Not only does he need to leave tonight, but Monday morning, and for the next 6 months at least, you need to take yourself and get your self tested for hiv and hepatitis... All because of a good man.

Buckteethjeff · 22/03/2014 19:24

change what a horrible situation. I would ring the drug help line. I think at this stage there is nothing you can do. Letting him stay will only enable him to take it more.

He made his choices when he started again. This is NOT your problem but his. You can not help him.

Get advice of help line get him out.

Flowers
Trinpy · 22/03/2014 19:24

If he won't go willingly then I think you should get the police involved.

Your dc have to be your first priority here and it's not safe for him to be around them if he is taking drugs.

I think you should tell his family as well. It is too much for you to deal with on your own.

Thanks
Original poster
changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:25

how can I? its his house too. what rights do I have?

OP posts:
Bloodyteenagers · 22/03/2014 19:26

What about the rights of the children? Don't they deserve to live in a house without an addict? Don't they deserve to not accidentally find used needles or his staff of goodness knows what.

Mumof3xx · 22/03/2014 19:26

Is your house rented or owned?

Either way I would say you would be able to have him removed tbh

If you rent contact the letting agents too

BertieBotts · 22/03/2014 19:28

He needs help, he won't get it if you stay and enable him :( Unfortunately it's one of the hardest possible things, but you can't influence which way it will go now - you can protect the children by keeping him away from them.

Could you support yourself and DC as a single parent? Do you have a mortgage or is the house rented?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2014 19:29

The children are the first priority here, not him.

You can and should get him out of your house; I would talk to the police and tell them what you found.

Addiction as well thrives on secrecy; you need to start telling others what has happened here.

He may well be a "good man" in your eyes at least but this "good man" has brought a whole heap of further trouble with him.

Buckteethjeff · 22/03/2014 19:30

bloody is right. This is bad.

Original poster
changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:31

our house is owned. in both our names. Im not working at the moment as the kids are 4 years old. No mortgage.

I guess Ill talk to his brother and tell him. Maybe then he will see how serious it is if his family are involved.

OP posts:
Odaat · 22/03/2014 19:32

He has to go, otherwise you are merely enabling his unacceptable lifestyle and making the unacceptable acceptable in your kiss lives. He has to go, sorry. Again i strongly recomend Al-anon helpline for experienced members to give you advice too.

BertieBotts · 22/03/2014 19:32

As his wife, you support him by protecting his children from his big, huge fuck up.

You do not enable him, you make it very clear that he cannot be around the children while this is going on. He has to be clean, for a decent long time, to have a chance of coming back.

I'm really sorry :( My mum's first husband was a heroin addict, I've seen how hurt she was talking about him even 20, 30 years later. He was a good man, too. Too many good people taken by drugs, so sad.

Odaat · 22/03/2014 19:32

Kids*