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Original poster

DH taking Heroin

126 replies

changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:06

Came home last night to find my DH so sound asleep that I couldn't wake him up. I checked his pockets and found a used needle. He has a history of drug taking and has been to rehab once a long time ago. This is the first time I have found him with anything for a long time but the use of a needle would suggest that he has probably been smoking it secretly for a while.

I dont really know what to do because I know he wont leave the house if I ask him to leave and I have two children and I don't want to leave as they are at nursery and established here and If I left I would have to go back to my mums and disrupt their lives and I don't see why I should leave when ive done nothing wrong.

Im really just looking for some advice and some experience of this. Should I just leave anyway? I want to tell his brother about it but I don't want to put the worry and burden onto him and his family. I thought maybe I would say that unless I see him actively seeking help through AA then I will tell his family. Im not sure though. His family will be devastated at the news.

He is still in bed right now I haven't spoken to him about any of this yet.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 23/03/2014 12:44

How can you expect your mother to support you when she does not have the facts of the situation?

LearnerM0ther · 23/03/2014 14:04

You know he needs to go. Safest and least disruptive for the kids.

Personally, I would ring SS before somebody else does. There's just too much risk of them being harmed, in many a way..

His refusal to leave has stripped me of sympathy for him, tbh (much easier for me, I know), but surely you're raging at him?? How dare he be so selfish!

But then, that's how addicts roll. They don't care what they put anyone else through. Seems even their own kids. Please ring the police, or SS. Whatever has to be done to get him out.

You CANNOT have smack in the house - you might not find it but I'm fucking amazed at what my DS cam route out!!

qazxc · 23/03/2014 14:16

He has refused to get treatment, saying that this is the first time in six months he has done drugs and he doesn't need treatment.
I told him that he put our kids in danger but he just says that they were asleep and were 'fine'.
Does he want to try those lines with SS and see if they are of the same opinion?
I will be destroying the family if he leaves. Nope he is doing that by taking drugs and taking no responsibility for it.
He is still unable to walk. Well then he'd better order himself a taxi to take him to hospital. while you pack his bags and get a new lock on the door.

misselphaba · 23/03/2014 15:18

OP I've been there and recently ended my relationship due to his heroin use. I let it carry on far too long for reasons similar to those you cite -he had nowhere to go and may well have ended up homeless. Unfortunately, many drug addicts do end up on the street but I had to stop seeing this as my problem. I had to depersonalise him almost -start seeing him as the drug addict he was. I know that sounds harsh but he abused my trust over and over again and he didn't do that as a loving partner or as my daughter's father. He did that as a drug addict and he had to go. He isn't homeless btw, he has nine lives I'm sure.

If you allow him to stay he will think it's ok to do it again and it will set the precedent for how you both respond when you catch him. You let him stay this time and it will be easier to let him stay next time.

His refusal to accept the severity of the situation is textbook minimisation. He's gaslighting you -trying to comvince you there's not a problem, that your children weren't in danger when you saw with your own eyes that there is a problem and they were in danger and will continue to be if he stays. I'm not only talking about the physical danger from the drugs or from neglect (taking heroin whilst in sole charge of your children is neglect, even without passing out from it). But from the effects of growing up around addiction and lies. It's their home too and it should be a happy place.

Don't blame yourself for going out. You're allowed to go out. He took that opportunity to use heroin and I feel for you because I remember that feeling of betrayal. You've been there before and you gave him one more chance. Help him sort himself out by sticking to that.

Anchorage · 23/03/2014 16:28

It might be his house too, but your children are allowed to grow up in a drug-free environment, and the police and social services will force him to leave if he chooses not to go of his own violation.

Your kids come first. He has to go.

noddyholder · 23/03/2014 16:55

If you don't make him leave now this will be your life forever. Tell him if he doesn't go you will call the police.

nkf · 23/03/2014 16:59

I think he has probably been taking quite a lot over a longish period of time. To be using a needle when your children are upstairs sounds more than a one off. It sounds like need and experience and habit to me. I am sorry. Very sorry. You don't have to believe a word he says you know. That is an option. Or you can say once is enough. You don't have to look at the issue through his eyes.

Quinteszilla · 23/03/2014 17:04

You dont just chance upon needle and heroin, and it is not like it is something he has picked up at the off-licence. He has deliberately gone out to seek a class A drug. Have a look at this: www.gov.uk/penalties-drug-possession-dealing

Kudzugirl · 23/03/2014 17:05

He may not have fallen downstairs. He may have injected into a leg vein and damaged a nerve. Or he fell into such a deep gouch (what they call the deep sedation of an Opiate user) that he laid awkwardly and has temporarily damaged a nerve pathway.

Either is a sign or erratic and dangerous substance use.

Dirtybadger · 23/03/2014 17:20

Oh and if he uses whilst you were out he either 1. Already had it (sp using before or planned use), 2. Took the kids out to get it, 3. Left the kids home alone to get it or 4. Called someone and had it delivered to your house. The first and last options are the best tbh and they ain't rosy.

Quinteszilla · 23/03/2014 17:25

He cant both bring criminal activity to your doorstep yet provide a safe and stable home for your children.

Does he work?

ballsballsballs · 23/03/2014 17:35

OP, has he had medical attention yet?

My BF was an injecting heroin addict, and a stupendous liar. I echo others' advice about calling SS and the police.

MiniTheMinx · 23/03/2014 17:47

Yes I am wondering, can he stand up yet and has he been seen at A&E.

I agree with others, no one goes straight to injecting first, its likely he has been using again for a while.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 23/03/2014 18:14

I can't help but think of the terrible cases where small children get hold of their parents' drugs (methadone, heroin, whatever) and OD fatally. You cannot have him and your children in the same house. The police are your way out of this situation - have him arrested, get SS involved, then he will have no choice but to leave.

I know it's all new and a shock to you and you're still not thinking straight, but there is no compromise, there is no room for a cover-up. It is him or the children - straight choice. Which is more important to you? And getting the police involved has to happen, otherwise as others have pointed out, you run the risk of him getting unsupervised overnight contact. While he remains a drug user, the only contact he should get is supervised in a contact centre.

I say this as someone with close relatives with a history of substance abuse. (And where the mother of one teenage user had to plead with a neighbour to report to the police, because it was only by getting the police involved that she could get the support she needed for her DS - in cases like this, the police are there to help you and your family, including your DH).

BarbarianMum · 23/03/2014 18:19

Get your children and leave.

My brother is a long-term drug addict. In the 20 years he has been using by far, far the worse were the 5 he was on heroin.

Honestly, it can get so, so bad so quickly. And heroin leaves no room for normal human relationships. He's lying to you now. What do you think will come next?

BarbarianMum · 23/03/2014 18:20

Oh and drug addicts lie about their drug use all the time. And steal to support their habits. And woe betide and man, woman or child who gets b/w an addict and the next fix.

ballsballsballs · 23/03/2014 18:39

OP you're probably feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Big hugs x

Someone upthread mentioned checking your finances. I had to sort out my friends' and her debts were astronomical. She'd begged, borrowed and stolen to pay for her fix, and sold everything that wasn't nailed down.

ScarletStar · 23/03/2014 20:03

I've lost a brother to heroin abuse (eventual suicide, but because of his drug use) and honestly - this sounds terrible - his life was so terrible and grim that when he died we felt peace because at least he is safe now. He was 32 and had been using for god knows how long but started taking drugs generally at 14. He lied, manipulated, robbed my mum and dad blind, had to be sectioned, had DVT in his legs, couldn't live alone, etc. Nothing we did helped him, nothing. He didn't want to stop and it was bloody exhausting watching him slowly kill himself for years.

You sound like you're making real progress to get away but don't let any more LIES or manipulation hold you back. Best of luck Thanks

doorbellringer · 23/03/2014 20:07

Turn the fear and shock into anger and use it!
You need to get him out. Summon all your strength for your children's sake and do something instead of just accepting his feeble excuses.
You are being pathetic here finding reasons not to phone the police, phone ss and screaming it from the rooftops to both families. You know what you need to do to protect your children or do you really believe you can put blinkers on and it will be ok because he is a 'good man?'
You sound like you plan to let it continue so long as it doesn't disrupt your life too much.

KillashandraRee · 23/03/2014 20:30

999 please follow the advice on this thread. He will not stop using if you allow him to stay.

EirikurNoromaour · 23/03/2014 20:36

If you contacted social services and told them your husband was using intravenous drugs in the house and refusing to leave, they would be likely to visit and instigate child protection proceedings which would hopefully spur him into action. If not, they would support you with advice and strategies to safeguard the children.

LearnerM0ther · 26/03/2014 13:20

Are you ok, 999??

I hope you've managed to at least confide in someone for a bit of RL support..

X

endlessdrudgery · 26/03/2014 15:31

I have PM'd you.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 29/03/2014 16:11

Think some of you are over reacting. Most drug users only use clean needles, it was capped in his pocket and op hasn't said if the children were with him at the time - big difference in my eyes.

That said, yes of course he isn't fit to have unsupervised care of the DC's right now and yes its a huge fucking deal, but op hasn't said she wanted to ltb.

As someone just coming out the other side of the same situation my Dh had been clean for years. Well almost, no illegal drug use, but still on some methadone. Drug agency messed up his script, blamed him, he messed up bigstyle.

Yes, its been awful, dreadful betrayal feels like he had an affair, not sure long term if our marriage will survive, but I'm very glad I didn't kick him out (or call the police ?!?).

For me the key breakthrough was deciding what mattered most to me and that was the lies had to stop and he had to take responsibility for his actions. No excuses no BS for both of us, for his self esteem to grow to look himself in the mirror get clean and stay clean and for me to cope and to keep our DC safe. That could only happen with me staying strong and him feeling safe to disclose.

If I'd thrown him out I know he would have deteriorated and been out of our DC who adore him's lives.

Only you can make the decision and I wish you luck either way.

Hth

Puddles1234 · 29/03/2014 16:27

changedname999 I hope this is a wind up? How on earth can you have a disgusting dirty drug user around your children? father or not.

if he wont leave call the police for christs sake. Think of your children and not your husband. Its disgusting that they are being exposed to this kind of life.

What would you do if they got hold of the needle or drugs? That would be on YOUR head as you have not acted in the best interests of your innocent children. Absolutely disgusting.