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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH taking Heroin

126 replies

changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:06

Came home last night to find my DH so sound asleep that I couldn't wake him up. I checked his pockets and found a used needle. He has a history of drug taking and has been to rehab once a long time ago. This is the first time I have found him with anything for a long time but the use of a needle would suggest that he has probably been smoking it secretly for a while.

I dont really know what to do because I know he wont leave the house if I ask him to leave and I have two children and I don't want to leave as they are at nursery and established here and If I left I would have to go back to my mums and disrupt their lives and I don't see why I should leave when ive done nothing wrong.

Im really just looking for some advice and some experience of this. Should I just leave anyway? I want to tell his brother about it but I don't want to put the worry and burden onto him and his family. I thought maybe I would say that unless I see him actively seeking help through AA then I will tell his family. Im not sure though. His family will be devastated at the news.

He is still in bed right now I haven't spoken to him about any of this yet.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 22/03/2014 19:32

Why is he more important than the kids?

Nomama · 22/03/2014 19:34

And the scariest outcome is that something happens and you are held to blame because you knew and allowed him to continue bringing such stuff into the house, endangering your children.

You have to act. Quite how is up to you, but getting him to make that phone call is a first step.

BertieBotts · 22/03/2014 19:34

If no mortgage then he should leave. You'll be more financially stable in the house that you own outright rather than being at the mercy of private landlords and on benefits.

Go to www.turn2us.org.uk to check what you would be entitled to as a single non-working parent. You need to know that you could survive, cover bills etc if it comes to this. It may be that he is able to live elsewhere but continue to support you while he seeks treatment, but look at the benefits calculator anyway.

Jellymum1 · 22/03/2014 19:35

I wonder how many of you spouting hes a bad dad hes a bad person smoke or drink around your kids? Do any of you know anything about addiction...it ruins your life...there is never any compasdion on these threads

Op..how awful. It certainly is not safe for him to be around your children. When he wakes up you need to tell him you love him, you support him and you can get through this (if you do love him ect) but then you need to say it isnt safe for him to use in the family home. He needs to go straight to the doctor on monday morning to tell them whats going on or get help. Tell him he must stay elsewhere...you can support him but he absolutely cannot bring drugs into the house. If he wants your support he will accept this rule x

Odaat · 22/03/2014 19:35

Addiction is a fucked up illness - its is ruthless and will destroy all of you and him. I speak from experience, tell him to go and then let him get clean when HE decides- only then will he really do it, sadly.

morethanpotatoprints · 22/03/2014 19:36

I know you haven't done anything wrong OP, but unfortunately ss are not bothered if dc are in this environment.
Its your job to keep them safe and with a drug user as a responsible parent, you aren't doing this.
you need to report him, what sort of a life is it for your kids and yourself. You know it will become uncontrollable before long and then maybe somebody else will inform ss.
Please get him out while you can.

Branleuse · 22/03/2014 19:36

im sorry this has happened. I assume this must have been going on for a while if hes actually doing it at home. Can you take yourself and the children away for a while, so you can get legal advice?

CointreauVersial · 22/03/2014 19:41

I'd tell his family right now. If you are going to help him get sorted out then you need to enlist their support. It will be harder for him to go into denial if everyone who cares about him knows.

He needs to move out until you know he's clean, for the sake of your children. But that doesn't mean you have to abandon him.

dreamingbohemian · 22/03/2014 19:41

I'm sorry but I think you are in massive denial

You say you came home and could not wake him. That means, for all intents and purposes, your 4 year old children were completely on their own last night. God forbid there had been a fire, they would all be dead.

I can see you already taking the blame for having a night out. That's bollocks. HE put your children in massive danger. That is not the act of a good dad.

It's too late now but I would have called 999 if I couldn't wake him. I'm shocked you didn't. Then his drug taking would be on record and you could use that to get him out of the house.

That's exactly what you should do next time. Because there will be a next time.

Why on earth do you want to stay with someone when you will never trust him again with your children?

I'm sorry to be harsh but you are worried about the wrong person here.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 22/03/2014 19:42

What if he carries on doing it and one of the children put their hands in his pocket and get pricked by it?

What about if a bit of heroin is still inside the needle?

I don't think him not having somewhere is a good enough reason nor that the house is his. He's not respecting you or the children and not putting you first so why should you put him first.

He could act pretty erratic on heroin too - what if he loses his temper with the children?

I seriously think you need to get him out of the house.

Quinteszilla · 22/03/2014 19:44

So he, the parent in charge, was high on drugs?

And you plan to do nothing? Helloo, you need to wake up and get him out of the house. What if one of the kids woke up, came down, found the needle and injured themselves on it? How would you explain that one away?

Original poster
changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:45

My children are the most important thing to me. Im just so scared about taking the next step. I know that this will involve him leaving and possibly doing loads more drugs and possible being on the streets and maybe even death. I know its not my problem but I love him he is my husband I dont want anything bad to happen to him. Yes I know what I must do and I will do it. Ill make him leave. Ill tell his brother.

Perhaps I can go away for a while but I hate the thought of him doing loads of drugs alone, he could kill himself.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 22/03/2014 19:47

He is already doing drugs. It is better that he is doing it out of harms way for your children.

Musicaltheatremum · 22/03/2014 19:47

You must also speak to your health visitor on Monday. Social services will be involved but they will help protect you.

dreamingbohemian · 22/03/2014 19:47

And fwiw I do know about addiction, I have lost friends and family to it. I know addicts can still be good people and I do feel bad for them. But I also know that usually they will destroy the lives of everyone around them, and you cannot risk that with children in the house.

NigellasDealer · 22/03/2014 19:48

you CANNOT have someone doing heroin around your children, you know that, if SS got wind of it you would have your children removed from your care. sorry if that sounds harsh but its the truth.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 22/03/2014 19:52

OP - one of the hardest things to learn in life is that you can't save people, and you can't change them. You love him but he is stepping over a line and you have to draw that line. It's shit that he is putting you in the position where you have to do that, but you do.

Original poster
changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:52

I just tried to talk to him and told him he has to leave. He agreed although he is not with it at the moment. I have also told his brother that I need to talk to him but he has people round tonight. So I will tell him tomorrow. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that they children were alone with him. Never ever will this happen again. You have made me realise how serious this is. Of course I knew it was serious but I just needed people to tell me what i needed to do.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 22/03/2014 19:53

x-post

Addicts are tougher than you imagine. We took in my crack addict uncle for a while because he had nowhere to go. Eventually my mom had to chuck him out. That was 20 years ago. He's still around. Don't let the worst case scenario keep you from doing the right thing. If you get his family involved as well then hopefully he will have enough support to get him back in rehab.

And you really must go get tested right away for HIV and hep.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 22/03/2014 19:53

And these are his choices that he is making and you have to let him make those choices I'm afraid. You van encourage him to make different choices but ultimately they are his choices to make.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 22/03/2014 19:54

*can - sorry. Wishing you strength OP.

dreamingbohemian · 22/03/2014 19:54

argh x-post again!

I'm so sorry OP but you're doing the right thing. Do you have any real life support for yourself?

NigellasDealer · 22/03/2014 19:55

be strong i know you love him but you have to love your children more xx

Quinteszilla · 22/03/2014 19:58

Op, read this about how long it lasts.

YolandiFuckinVisser · 22/03/2014 20:03

Good luck with this, nightmare situation for you but you know he will always choose his addiction over you & his children. Smack is the worst, don't let your kids suffer for this. Personal experience FWIW.