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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH taking Heroin

126 replies

changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:06

Came home last night to find my DH so sound asleep that I couldn't wake him up. I checked his pockets and found a used needle. He has a history of drug taking and has been to rehab once a long time ago. This is the first time I have found him with anything for a long time but the use of a needle would suggest that he has probably been smoking it secretly for a while.

I dont really know what to do because I know he wont leave the house if I ask him to leave and I have two children and I don't want to leave as they are at nursery and established here and If I left I would have to go back to my mums and disrupt their lives and I don't see why I should leave when ive done nothing wrong.

Im really just looking for some advice and some experience of this. Should I just leave anyway? I want to tell his brother about it but I don't want to put the worry and burden onto him and his family. I thought maybe I would say that unless I see him actively seeking help through AA then I will tell his family. Im not sure though. His family will be devastated at the news.

He is still in bed right now I haven't spoken to him about any of this yet.

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 23/03/2014 10:54

OK so whose house is it really? what would the practicalities be of him moving out? it is him that is 'destroying the family' not you.

3DcAndMe · 23/03/2014 10:54

Op you should tell your mum

You need the support of those around you

Original poster

changedname999 · 23/03/2014 11:06

The house is in both our names. Its a lot easier for him to move out than for us too. He could get a room to rent down in the same town and still see the kids all the time. If I moved out I would have to share my mums spare bedroom with the kids and live in a different town, so seeing none of their friends or mine and no nursery.

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 23/03/2014 11:09

how serious are you about getting him out?
you could change locks while he is out you know; get police and SS on your side before you do this.

Dirtybadger · 23/03/2014 11:13

I didn't post earlier but was in favour of; make him leave, allow him to find himself help, start back some communication when he's in a decent place in recovery and play it by ear. Assuming you did want to be with him, anyway.

Having read his response to you asking him to leave, though...I don't think that would work. He is in denial. He can't possibly engage as he needs to work drugs workers, etc, if he thinks there's no problem. Injecting opiates is a bloody problem! And if he's telling the truth and went from clean to injecting, he was risking OD'ing ffs! What if one of the kids had come down and not only had they been unable to wake him but he was dead. All well and good for him. I hope he is lying and there's been a run up to this. Because that is seriously risky.

6 months isn't long in the scheme of things. Did he go into detox or did he stabilise on a drug replacement programme and then come off? I won't bother listing what he needs to do in terms of gp, drugs worker, etc, because that is his responsibility and assuming you don't live in a village or somewhere very rural, those services aren't too tricky to access. Or at least to find (access may depend upon location).

You may benefit from finding a local charity who support people affected by addiction (children, partners, parents). There are several in my city, hopefully there's one near you.

NigellasDealer · 23/03/2014 11:14

I doubt very much if he went from clean to injecting.
the problem with addicts is they lie so convincingly, they have had years of practice.

BertieBotts · 23/03/2014 11:16

Him saying that you kicking him out would destroy the family is like if your house had burned down and somebody criticised you for taking the children away from their home.

Of course you couldn't continue to live in your home if it had been damaged and made dangerous and unpleasant, and you wouldn't feel guilty for taking them away from it (quite the opposite). This is the same - you're not destroying anything, his actions make his presence in the family damaged, dangerous and unpleasant :( you forcing him to leave is simply the only way to protect your children from this.

I think that one day in the future when he recovers he will look back on this and be horrified that he ever expected you to let him stay, and grateful to you for protecting the children from him in this state. At the moment he has none of that rationality and is probably kidding himself that it is totally fine. But it isn't and you know that.

BertieBotts · 23/03/2014 11:17

YY ND, OP said earlier that she suspects he must have been smoking for some time and not telling her.

Featherbag · 23/03/2014 11:23

OP I hate to say this but I think you need to involve social services. They will be able to support you in getting your DH out of the house and away from your kids. If that really was the first time he'd injected in a long time (which I doubt) then he put them at very real risk of finding his body. That's not something a child ever gets over.

Finola1step · 23/03/2014 11:27

999 I'm sorry that you are in such a hideous position.

Do not keep this to yourself. Tell your family and his because if you don't, you are simply colluding and enabling.

So he let you flush away what was left. That was nice of him. I don't need to tell you that he did that because there is more where that came from and it's probably in the house. In the same house as your dc. And you won't find it unless you let the police bring in a dog.

It wasn't his last bit, he would never let that go. He thinks he's got you off his back for a while.

This not walking and being out of it for hours on end. As someone up thread said, he was probably od'ing but has come out of it. I think the not being able to walk is vv serious but it's also your chance to get him out. Take him to the hospital. Have a word with the doctor on the quiet about your husband's drug use. And then leave him there. I know that sounds harsh but you have to do something.

Go home and bag up his stuff. Lock the door and leave the key in the lock. Yes he will come back, banging and shouting, wanting to be let in. But that will be because of his little stash that he has left behind.

I know my post is full of assumptions and half baked predictions. But in my line of work, I have seen too many women risk losing their dc because they try to "save" their drug using partner. If its not ss that you lose your dc to, it will be the chaos and lies that his drug addiction brings.

Good luck 999. It's horrible. But you have to ask yourself, why were you suspicious enough to check his pockets in the first place?

Madratlady · 23/03/2014 11:32

You cannot allow this man to stay in the house, it's putting your dc in danger and by allowing him to stay you're giving the message that it's not that bad, that you'll put up with it. You can't make him stop using or get help, it's very very addictive, he'll just get sneakier. How will you feel about him spending family money on a horrible, destructive drug?

The best thing that you can do is show him that you won't put up with it, that if he continues he'll lose everything, that you won't have him back until he's clean. That might make a difference, or he might continue to put himself and his addiction first. Either way, you need to protect your kids and put yourself and them first.

It's clear that you love him very much but allowing him to stay and effectively enabling him won't be doing him any favours either.

PurplePidjin · 23/03/2014 11:32

As he still can't walk, can't you take him to A+E, explain exactly why he can't walk to the staff there and just leave him? He obviously needs medical attention, and that's not quite as big a step as calling the police, just make sure you've got his keys before you leave

FetchezLaVache · 23/03/2014 11:32

Just to clarify, OP, was he in charge of the children last night when this happened?

I agree with Finola about taking him to the hospital and use that as your opportunity to get the authorities involved.

You need to get him out. You told him your marriage was over if this ever happened again and I think you need to follow through on that, or you're sending a message that it's fine to get off his head- as long as it's only a couple of times a year (dubious face).

Good luck 999.

Bloodyteenagers · 23/03/2014 11:42

He hasn't really got a choice. He has lied to you and put your family at risk.
As far as you were aware he hasn't done drugs in years. Yet he has done the 6 months ago.
You really have to ask yourself how else has he deceived you.
He brought drugs into a house with his children in. He injected himself, risking an od. He left a used needle within easy reach. He didn't use all the drugs. You don't know where he was in the house when he was doing this. You don't know what surface the stuff has touched...

You cannot save him.

Tell him he either leaves on his own accord. Or by police escort. But either way, by 4pm today he is out.

You tell everyone what he is. You don't cover up for him. He has made his choice to start injecting again, so he has to live with the consequences... Why the hell should you be seen as the bad person for kicking out this 'good, caring dad'?

Timetoask · 23/03/2014 11:49

The stories I´ve heard about most drugs addicts who have recovered from their addiction completely involve hitting rock bottom before they wake up to what they are doing to themselves and their family.
If he doesn't see consequences for his drug use, all remains cushy for him, he will not rehabilitate. If he realises that losing his beloved children is a real possibility, this might push him to help himself.

NigellasDealer · 23/03/2014 11:50

i would take him to a and e as PP suggested, leave him there, and pickpocket his keys on your way out. if you have not got a car to do this, use a taxi.

UserNameDenied · 23/03/2014 11:53

Would it be easier to tell him to move out temporarily and that he can come home once he has been clean for xx months on condition he has drugs tests every months for evermore.

Home heroin tests are only a quid each from Amazon. Even if you want him gone permanently (I would) it may make the transition easier and less confrontational IYSWIM

Logg1e · 23/03/2014 11:54

I agree that you have to tell your mum, she'll be horrified at her own advice when she learns the truth, and right now you need support.

Have you told his brother yet?

I agree with the deadline of today, only I'd make it earlier than 4.

BertieBotts · 23/03/2014 12:08

How is she going to take him to A&E, leave the children alone? Take them too?

NigellasDealer · 23/03/2014 12:09

hmm was just thinking that too; she would need to enlist the help of her mum or someone like that really.

lijaco · 23/03/2014 12:20

first thing is to stop enabling him. Come out of the situation for now and ensure children are put first and yourself. If you are not there he will have to start to sort himself out. You could then seek legal advice and support. If he doesnt want any help nothing you can do waste of time and energy. He is really ill but only HIM can sort this out.
I have first hand experience of this. Al anon is a good place to start.

MiniTheMinx · 23/03/2014 12:23

I think the first thing you need to do is get him to A&E to check his leg/s if he is unable to walk. Does he have any pain in his leg? is it hot to touch or any discolouration? Which veins did he use? Could be a blood clot and it should be ruled out. A friend of mine ended up very nearly dead having injected and another lost his arm. Both had families and only one of them is still alive. The guy who died had everything to lose, a great career, lovely wife and DC, beautiful home and lots of friends, he died alone homeless on a beach in Spain. No one could save him because he didn't want to be saved.

I second what others have said, talk to the doctors and explain. Leave him at the hospital and while he is there research and see if there are any rehab centres nearby, tell his family and yours, perhaps get a friend or your mum to stay with you and pack his bags.

qazxc · 23/03/2014 12:30

You are not responsible for his actions. He chose to take drugs above the wellbeing of himself and his family. You are not responsible. Do not let him minimise/emotionally blackmail you. You and your children need somewhere safe to live and right now it means that he can't be there too.
You have nothing to feel ashamed about. Tell people, his family,your family. You and your children need support and he can't be allowed to minimise/brush what happened under the carpet.

Quinteszilla · 23/03/2014 12:33

You can start the ball rolling by petitioning for divorce citing unreasonable behaviour, and then the lawyers will just fight it out over the house.

If he in "sober" state still does not see he did any thing wrong, and does not want to leave, I would see this as a deal breaker and move on. He is endangering his children, and frankly so are you, if you allow him to live there.

Caitlyn2014 · 23/03/2014 12:38

Dear Christ, what are you dithering for.

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