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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH taking Heroin

126 replies

changedname999 · 22/03/2014 19:06

Came home last night to find my DH so sound asleep that I couldn't wake him up. I checked his pockets and found a used needle. He has a history of drug taking and has been to rehab once a long time ago. This is the first time I have found him with anything for a long time but the use of a needle would suggest that he has probably been smoking it secretly for a while.

I dont really know what to do because I know he wont leave the house if I ask him to leave and I have two children and I don't want to leave as they are at nursery and established here and If I left I would have to go back to my mums and disrupt their lives and I don't see why I should leave when ive done nothing wrong.

Im really just looking for some advice and some experience of this. Should I just leave anyway? I want to tell his brother about it but I don't want to put the worry and burden onto him and his family. I thought maybe I would say that unless I see him actively seeking help through AA then I will tell his family. Im not sure though. His family will be devastated at the news.

He is still in bed right now I haven't spoken to him about any of this yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
changedname999 · 22/03/2014 20:10

Thanks. I've been through this with him about ten years ago so unfortunately I know the score too. I always said that is he ever did it again I would leave but I just find it so hard. My poor kids, how dare he do this to them.

He says he has fallen down the stairs and cant walk. I don't know what he has done but he just bum shuffled to the bathroom. It was horrible to watch a grown man in this state. And me guarding the door to the kids room. its pathetic and I should have kicked him out years ago.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 22/03/2014 20:21

He has done this. Don't blame yourself, even though you're being forced to make the consequences come to bear - they are the consequences of his behaviour.

Do you have a friend or family member who can come over and support you tonight? It sounds like you're in the middle of a major crisis and it might be worth getting your BIL round ASAP even though he has people with him at the moment Thanks

PurplePidjin · 22/03/2014 20:24

Oh and you could call 101 if you don't want to ring 999, they'll be able to advise you without sending the blue lights and drama. Try the Shelter and entitledto websites for information on housing and benefits.

FWIW Social Services will take much less of an interest if you act to protect your children now than if you allow drugs to be used around your children.

Original poster
changedname999 · 22/03/2014 20:24

His brother lives miles away (In Scotland). Im really shattered so im going to get some sleep (In the spare room). Wake up fresh tomorrow. I might see if my mum is around to help me too. good night and thanks for your support and words.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 22/03/2014 20:28

op, i used to be an IV drug user. Never in a million years could i ever imagine knowingly going back into that lifestyle.
i have known many people lose their children to social services because of it.
I know you love him. I know its hard, and its really shit hes done this.

You dont really have any choice now but to leave, if you want to remain a good parent x

Joules68 · 22/03/2014 20:33

Where does the money from all this come from? If he's addicted I would suggest it's going to be a case of protecting yourself financially

GimmeDaBoobehz · 22/03/2014 20:38

See if he can book himself into a rehab programme?

They are pretty scarce so he might have to pay a good penny for it, but it might help him not be on the drugs and keep him away from the kids ath the same time?

LearnerM0ther · 22/03/2014 20:43

Oh, bless you. My heart goes out to you. I haven't much advice to offer, I'm afraid (and you sound like you know what you need to do anyway..)
Just wanted to say I know how hard it is wrestling with emotions when there is an addict in the family. It's very hard to get tough on someone so close, but it's the only way IME..

You come across as a strong person and you'll get you - for a second time - and the kids through the other side.

There is no saying for sure the kids will lose their Dad for good if you kick him out and he does go off the rails.. But you could lose THEM of he stays. And it's just not worth the risk, is it..? (Let's face it, they have lost him anyway for now, he sounds a sorry mess. It must be painful to watch :-()

Agree with PPs, it's a sad fact that you can't force an addict to help themselves. They need to do it because THEY want to. And who knows when he'll arrive there??

Much love, best of luck with this. X

lijaco · 22/03/2014 21:07

al anon is very good you should go it definately helps. You need to look after yourself by putting your needs and your childrens needs first. He needs to seek help for himself. With addiction like heroin it is very difficult to get off because the physical addiction is so bad. Rehab would be the best course of action but is expensive. Doctors are not very helpful but can put your dh in touch with drug counsellers that can help. He needs to want to be helped or it will never work. He has to get the help himself you cant do it for him. It will be very difficult for you to make decisions and you need help and support as drug addicts are manipulative and selfish. Your dh is ill and you are dealing with the evil of addiction now and not the man behind it who probably was a good man. Addiction is a terrible thing. You didn't create it, you didn't cause it and you cant cure it.
Good luck with it!

bebows · 22/03/2014 21:19

Is he willing to get help? There is an organisation called adfam, they might be able to advise you

lotsofcheese · 22/03/2014 21:30

OP, I have no experience of this but just wanted to send you support.

thedrunkenduck · 22/03/2014 21:46

I think you are being selfish by obviously thinking of your husband before your children. I'm sure it is a difficult situation to be in as you obviously love him very much- but your children should ALWAYS come first.

Norem · 22/03/2014 22:08

Hi Op
He has chosen to take whatever it was.
he decided that his want to feel stoned was more important than your children and your relationship.
He has chosen this.

If you don't kick him out he won't get better.
If you do kick him out he might.

It's his choice.

Your responsibility lies only to your children, he is not capable of parenting right now.
I am so sorry :(

Quinteszilla · 22/03/2014 23:29

Do you not think he may need medical attention if he cannot walk?

RhondaJean · 22/03/2014 23:33

I think that's kinda his issue at the moment though quint.

Op has her hands full making sure the kids are okay, he's an adult.

What a shitty situation though, for all of you, including him. Be strong my love.

innisglas · 23/03/2014 04:51

I knew some lovely people who after they started taking heroin would have sold their grannies into prostitution to get their next fix and had genuinely been lovely decent people before.
Obviously you cannot have someone like that in the house, but also maybe the only hope he has is if you kick him out, it may or may not work as a wake up call.

ChasedByBees · 23/03/2014 05:08

I'm pretty sure you won't, but telling the police would ensure that he is the one who has to leave. Without telling them, he may press for shared custody and they may end up staying with him for weekends in this state.

Please do get this recorded, he's left your children in such danger.

Don't stay with him. If SS find out you stayed with him and knew about this, as someone else said they will be removed from both of you. As everyone else has said, what if they found that needle or some heroin? The stakes are really high here.

Atbeckandcall · 23/03/2014 05:10

No matter how lovely, sorry or pleading he is in the morning ( and he will be) you have to be the stronger one.
I know you worry about what will happen to him if he leaves, but that doesn't mean all contact from you needs to stop. And besides, what if the worst you can think of happened in your house in front of your dc?
I'd also be asking him how he got the drugs? Did someone bring them to him or did he leave to house to get them? If he did leave the house did he take the dc with or leave them home alone?
I think you need to put emotion to one side at the moment and make sensible decisions based on the facts.
Stay strong and determined for the sake of your dc.

LoopyDoopyDoo · 23/03/2014 06:07

I don't think I will ever be able to forgive my mother for covering up and allowing my father's drugs in the house. Do you cherish your relationship with your kids? Then you need to do enough to make sure they are never subjected to this again.

DippyDoohDahDay · 23/03/2014 06:53

Hi op, how crap for you all. If he was unwakeable then he was quite possibly overdosing, but came through it. If he had died, your dc were home alone/ could have been the ones to find him....
I work with drug users and social services. I echo what others have said, you are doing the right thing by asking him to leave and then ensuring he does not have unsupervised contact. People don't make rational choices in the grips of addiction. You may love your husband but heroin can easily take first place for him...it's a true cliche that he needs to hit his own version of rock bottom/time out. You can't be there to catch him whilst protecting your own dc.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 23/03/2014 07:05

Oh OP you poor thing. You are doing the right thing and you need to stay strong today.
He is ill- but he can't get better unless he wants to and he won't want to if everything is made easy for him.
Keep protecting your kids- you are doing brilliantly.

LearnerM0ther · 23/03/2014 07:36

I hardly think 'selfish' is the word to describe you, OP.. You've literally just found out and are taking steps to ensure the childrens safety asap. (She's thinking of her kids first but is understandably worried for her husband. I don't see where she's fretting for herself in any of this. What a daft and unhelpful thing to say, drunkenduck..!)

DippyDoohDahDay · 23/03/2014 08:02

Because you love him you are obviously concerned for him too, but your dc are the ones that need protecting and I am sure you will. When you are ready, perhaps google local drug support services, there is usually a service that supports family members.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 23/03/2014 08:49

OP...your children are at nursery, so will easily adapt if moved. If you allow this vile habit to go on (and if he has a history already) they will be older and less adaptable.

My ex ended up on crack (also had a history), I couldn't/wouldn't allow him to drag us down to his level, however much I loved him. My children's well being would ALWAYS be put first.

My heart goes out to you OP..bitter experience here Thanks

Original poster
changedname999 · 23/03/2014 10:52

Morning. Thanks for your messages. I have asked him to leave this morning but he refuses saying that its his house and that I will be destroying the family if he leaves. He has refused to get treatment, saying that this is the first time in six months he has done drugs and he doesn't need treatment. Usual script really isn't it. I don't believe him. I don't know how to get him to leave. He says he has to go to work etc.

He is still unable to walk. My mum is on her way to help out and she will stay over night tonight and if he still cant walk ill take him to the hospital tomorrow. I still feel like I cant tell her the truth of what happened because heroin is so severe, but she is already persuading me not to make him leave so maybe ill end up telling her what happened.

He told me where the drugs where and I have flushed them away. Yes I know there are probably more but its a start. I told him that he put our kids in danger but he just says that they were asleep and were 'fine'.

OP posts:
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