My boyfriend asks your moot - was my Facebook post 'grossly inappropriate'?

[Fullyswindonian]

I have a small Facebook Friendlist consisting of 99% family and old school friends.

One of the people I don't actually know in real life was 'friended' for his similar views.

I recently read something that poignantly reminded me of him, so posted it on my Facebook Wall, but without direct reference to him. It could have easily applied to a small number of other people on my Friendlist, but he was the only one who chose to respond with comments.

My boyfriend considered it 'grossly inappropriate' as he believes the Facebook friend is interested in me, despite the fact we have no dialogue and certainly nothing even remotely smutty or off topic has occurred. He isn't attractive to me in any way, in fact I find him 'unattractive' in most ways.

I will admit however to a small degree of naievety as I mostly fail to intuit when a man is interested in me, I've been told.

At my boyfriend's suggestion, I put my Facebook post up here for your inspection and opinion.
I would genuinely like to know if my post was inappropriate/ disrespectful to my boyfriend.
My post was prefixed with something along the lines of 'just read a poem by one of my favourites and it reminded me of someone on my Friendlist who is also all these things'.

My boyfriend and I are both mid Forties, neither married nor cohabiting, and I am the only one wothout children from a previous relationship. He is universally considered genuine, kind and fair.

Praise

I praise you because
you are artist and scientist
in one. When I am somewhat
fearful of your power,
your ability to work miracles
with a set-square, I hear
you murmuring to yourself
in a notation Beethoven
dreamed of but never achieved.
You run off your scales of
rain water and sea water, play
the chords of the morning
and evening light, sculpture
with shadow, join together leaf
by leaf, when spring
comes, the stanzas of
an immense poem. You speak
all languages and none,
answering our most complex
prayers with the simplicity
of a flower, confronting
us, when we would domesticate you
to our uses, with the rioting
viruses under our lens.

~RS Thomas

Just wanted to point out that just because you had a DV relationship, you may still not recognise this bf as controlling. In fact, you may be less likely because he will seem more normal.

Not saying he is, but beware of the signs, disguised as his "issues".

Yy Lweji. Where's that Reality checklist thread gone...?

How do you read the poem, OP? How does it speak to you? Genuine question, I'm interested in the poem.

Heh, Swindonian, if I were given to 'internet diagnostics' I would have suggested you were Aspie right from your OP! I am given to internet diagnostics, so deserve a very small medal for keeping quiet until now

You reminded me of my mother ... only in this one respect, don't worry! She's given to seeing the best in people, far beyond what is usual amongst NT adults. All people are fallible - there is no 'black/white' to human nature, only different kinds of shading. My mum would always have said she understands this, but nobody would have guessed from her fulsome & flowery praise of those regards positively. She shares your love of OTT Welsh poetry and would certainly have committed your solecism if she were on Facebook. Thank the stars she isn't!

People view her as very sweet, and a bit eccentric.

She has also fallen prey to all kinds of abuse, especially but not exclusively from men, and has been most egregiously manipulated by some of them. I would like to warn you that men who aren't very nice see sweet & gifted, excessively loving, women as targets. I suspect it will be helpful for you to put extra study into human interactions and, just as importantly, to surround yourself with kind NT friends. Sometimes you'll be hurt more than an NT person would. Ride with it, it's better than being destroyed by someone who means you harm.

On that note, it is not really understandable to be humiliated by your girlfriend over-praising some random on Facebook. It really isn't, not in anybody's world. A bit pissed off, perhaps; a bit 'WTF?' definitely, but his reaction is disproportionate. I'm worried that you might sacrifice too much of your natural charm to his demands.

You might have found this post a bit patronising. I hope not, but if you do ... I'll live

Reality's invaluable thread :)

I don't know if he is being controlling or if he is trying to protect you from what he sees as naivety. It's hard to tell - as Lweji says, being in an abusive relationship in the past isn't a guarantee that it's easy to spot the signs again.

But I would say (with caution) that if you are likely to compliment/make comments at people which could be construed as flirting, but there is no intention and in fact is just part of your nature (and obviously you'd be horrified if that person tried to come on to you and put them straight) - is it really fair for him to get pissed off about that if that's who you are? I mean, granted, most people wouldn't like it, but if you genuinely do have problems judging both how you come across and others' actions/words towards you then that's just who you are - someone who loves you should accept that about you, not get annoyed when it comes up. God knows DH is a bit like this and has not only attracted girls but also gay men and swingers because he's so oblivious to it! But I trust that there's no malice in it, no secret reality behind it. Perhaps some would call me naive, but that's the way that I feel and in a way it's rather sweet.

I think I'm saying similar things to you, Garlic. My mother is very similar, in personality and unfortunately also history. And yet she remains unfailingly positive about human nature, and always forgiving. I don't know how she does it.

How are you feeling OP? I hope you've managed to speak to your DP/ex. Maybe he can forgive you if you genuinely didn't know

Oh dear.

OP, from everything you have said, I am sure that you really don't have anything going on for the other man. And in a perfect worldd it ought to be OK to post an RS Thomas poem just in a factual chatty, interesting sort of way.

But it's tricky. Had you simply posted the poem with 'I'd love to live the braod life of someone with these talents and interests', all would have been OK. But unfortunately your intro 'just read a poem by one of my favourites and it reminded me of someone on my Friend list who is also all these things' sounded very flirty.

However, I'm not sure why your DP would dump you as a result fo the thread, since you have taken people's views on board.

But didn't you have any perspective on how he might have felt?

I hope you're OK.

All this over such a terrible poem.

I have just found your thread and very early on I wondered if you might be displaying Aspie traits (which I also suspect myself of having). I was considering making a reading recommendation to you but I am glad that you have already considered AS as a possibility, so that my recommendation isn't seen as presumptuous.

Please have a read of how aspergers affects girls and women by Tony Attwood. I came across this accidentally and it resonated with me. It is a foreword to a book which may also be useful in the context of your post (though I haven't read it so can't recommend it personally).

I believe that you did not intend to flirt with the other man. However both he and your boyfriend appear to have interpreted the poem differently - even if you believe your interpretation is correct, it is understandable that it has caused some misunderstandings and hurt.

Please be careful about him restricting your friendships, even if it is apparently to 'protect you from your own naivety' or whatever, it is still a very controlling thing to ask you to do and could end up restricting your life in a damaging way. You need to be able to find a way of recognising inappropriate flirty attention from people you are not wanting to be in a relationship with and rebuff it or cut contact yourself. You can't have your BF telling you to cut off contact from every man who might possibly be interested in you, that's not fair.

Good luck x

Some of us like poetry, some of us don't. I didn't read that and feel it was intimate. All true friendships involve caring and respect. So I think DB/f is being a bit fragile about it being posted.

Disclaimer: I have only page 1, am not giving up all evening to read 9 pages! Sorry!

It sounds as if the poem is for someone you're romantically interested in. Obviously people on your friendslist will play the 'guessing game' re. who its aimed at. & said man will wonder if its aimed at him..and he'd be correct. You are seeking his interest, wanting him to look at you through your words. Entirely up to you of course, but a bit naive to feel your OH wouldn't see through this immediately.

I don't think it is too inappropriate going by what you said, OP. It just looks like you read something that resonated and wanted to share it with the person, as well as have other people read and possibly appreciate the poetry that you love.

Because you have said a lot of other things on FB about how much you love your BF I can see why you thought it was ok to post this poem and that it would be taken in the spirit you meant it.

I thought the poem was very boring on first read but it has grown on me a little since then.

I think your fb post is inappropriate and if I was your partner, I would be upset. It is intimate and clearly implies a connection to that one individual. I also think it appears to be attention seeking and an attempt to appear suggestive and mysterious.
I know you have denied this and I believe you- I believe you did not intended the post to come across in that way and I believe your intentions were what you say they are. But I still think that the post could have been interpreted in that way and for that reason, you should have probably accepted that however well meant, it was misguided.

But then again, if he is so repellent to you, why are you posting meaningful poems aimed at him? Why is he even your friends in FB? You are contradicting yourself which makes me change my opinion to misguided AT BEST but more likely very manipulative. Again, you are possibly very much not like that- but that is how you come across to me so it is understandable that others could interpret your words like that too isn't it?

I guess what I am trying to say is... try and see it from his point of view. I suspect that's all he wanted from this thread.

Don't believe for a second you'd post a poem on Facebook (who does that at the best of times?) to someone you don't like.

The lady doth protest to much for us to believe you don't fancy him. Me thinks if boyfriend wasn't on the scene, this guy would be.

How many of us found our partners annoying at first?

I don't see the poem as romantic, it is about intellectual characteristics and interests, which the OP thinks fitted this person she knows.

The only intimacy is in the fact that the OP spent time thinking about this poem fitting this man, so shows she has reflected on it. So what? I am not seeing a huge issue; really, one can reflect on people and post things. Maybe BF is just jealous that you didn't post it for him, though, tbf, I don't like the poem.

Oh sorry, I hadn't read that he dumped you OP.

I am sorry, I hope you are okay.

FWIW, he sounds insecure and possessive if that was his reaction, and I hope you find someone who appreciates you and your love of poetry, however that is expressed. I didn't see anything in your post to warrant that reaction.

I have AS and can totally sympathise with the OP. I have been told that I am a horrendous flirt before, but it's always with men I have zero interest in and I'm completely oblivious to it. I don't see the signals that someone is interested in me until they make a blatent move on me. At which point I'm mortified at the position I,ve got myself into and cut that person off completely because I have no other way of dealing with it. I have no ability at all to flirt with someone I like, which is very strange. Thankfully my husband also has AS so is as oblivious to my inappropriate flirting as I am, so I don't get into trouble for it.

op
i asked in my 3rd or 4th post about AS because i have it and i live with my son who also has it. i recognise it in others. takes one to know one and all that.

but i am far more self aware than you, it appears.

i was attempting to be supportive and was trying to be humorous.
and you were rude to me despite the fact i was trying to be supportive when all around were actually being extremely sceptical of your motives.

yet you chose my post to respond negatively to my post!

your boundaries are off. way out.
maybe you should reflect on that.

I must admit I only read the first two pages of this thread before I had to give up because I nearly rolled my eyes out of my head.

I am not a religious person but it is SO BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS that this poem is about 'god'.

However if I saw that someone had posted it saying it reminded them of a friend I would assume it was because the friend was a very interesting, perhaps multi-talented person with may facets to their personality that made them particularly compelling.

It's not a 'love' poem at all and I think if this thread had been posted in an area other than 'Relationships' it might have attracted some more sensible replies, rather than the responses it has received from a gaggle of distrusting ladies who are paranoid after reading too many threads on here about failing relationships.

Or perhaps if it had been posted on another website altogether a less ridiculous discussion would have ensued. Ahhh, Mumsnet.

The poem is not especially inappropriate. Your choice of words, dedicating it to an unspecified friend, is what makes this an inappropriate FB post.

I think you posted carelessly and in the process you hurt someone you adore. The fact that your conversation with your DP became so heated is worrying. It sounds like you both have issues. You both need to learn new ways to communicate, and if that needs some outside help them so be it.

sunwish even it is not a love poem it is peculiar to dedicate it to a man the OP professes to find repellant.
No wonder the boyfriend's upset.