My boyfriend asks your moot - was my Facebook post 'grossly inappropriate'?

[Fullyswindonian]

I have a small Facebook Friendlist consisting of 99% family and old school friends.

One of the people I don't actually know in real life was 'friended' for his similar views.

I recently read something that poignantly reminded me of him, so posted it on my Facebook Wall, but without direct reference to him. It could have easily applied to a small number of other people on my Friendlist, but he was the only one who chose to respond with comments.

My boyfriend considered it 'grossly inappropriate' as he believes the Facebook friend is interested in me, despite the fact we have no dialogue and certainly nothing even remotely smutty or off topic has occurred. He isn't attractive to me in any way, in fact I find him 'unattractive' in most ways.

I will admit however to a small degree of naievety as I mostly fail to intuit when a man is interested in me, I've been told.

At my boyfriend's suggestion, I put my Facebook post up here for your inspection and opinion.
I would genuinely like to know if my post was inappropriate/ disrespectful to my boyfriend.
My post was prefixed with something along the lines of 'just read a poem by one of my favourites and it reminded me of someone on my Friendlist who is also all these things'.

My boyfriend and I are both mid Forties, neither married nor cohabiting, and I am the only one wothout children from a previous relationship. He is universally considered genuine, kind and fair.

Praise

I praise you because
you are artist and scientist
in one. When I am somewhat
fearful of your power,
your ability to work miracles
with a set-square, I hear
you murmuring to yourself
in a notation Beethoven
dreamed of but never achieved.
You run off your scales of
rain water and sea water, play
the chords of the morning
and evening light, sculpture
with shadow, join together leaf
by leaf, when spring
comes, the stanzas of
an immense poem. You speak
all languages and none,
answering our most complex
prayers with the simplicity
of a flower, confronting
us, when we would domesticate you
to our uses, with the rioting
viruses under our lens.

~RS Thomas

No, people haven't ignored the being dumped. Most said she was well rid of a controlling bf.

Oh, Swindonian, I'm sorry, you must be feeling miserable.

I do agree with the others who said he sounds controlling. Making you cut out friendships that "make him feel insecure" is unreasonable and a very big red flag. And I think he was unreasonable about this incident, peculiar though it was. It's probably cold comfort to you right now, but you deserve a partner who loves you as you are. Sounds like your ex wanted to shape you into something else; not good. As a quick heads-up, a partner who only loves you for adoring him is no good, either, so that rules out Mr Polymath!

Be kind & gentle to yourself this weekend.

Yes the post was very inappropriate and humiliating for your boyfriend. I don't think that alone is a dumpable offence though. Given the fact that the OP can't see this and claims to be blissfully unaware when a man is coming on to her, then I wonder what her interactions with the other men, since deleted, were like. Maybe they were more of the same and this was the last straw for her boyfriend.

You have been far too accommodating to your ex-boyfriend's whims, OP. How dare he decide whom you may and may not talk to? Inadequate little man.

I think you sound like a lovely lady and, FWIW, you have good taste in poetry.

The poem is def gushy but not romantic. Can't see how it's being interpreted as a love poem? I don't think you've done anything wrong particularly.

I agree your ex sounds controlling, and I also noticed in your posts you seem keen to flatter him and pander to his ego maybe?

I strongly suspect he will do what the PP suggested and deign to give you another chance, providing you defriend Renaissance Man and let him have full access to your account. I sincerely hope if this happens, you'll tell him to piss off.

Oh and I'm a swindonian too!

Your boyfriend broke it off with you over this? Blimey. Hope you're ok OP.

My take on it is that it is definitely not a love poem, in fact I can't see any romance in it at all. To me, the main theme is one of adoration of another person's skills and talents, and their ability to demonstrate accomplishments in both the sciences and creative arts. I can see why a person with wide ranging skills might spring to mind if you read this. However, it's the persona's tone which is the worry- it borders on hero worship: 'I am somewhat fearful of your power'. It is really very personal and I don't understand why you would post that about someone that you barely know. It seems a bit full on / emotionally intense, even if that emotion is not love. I think you may have looked quite literally at the subject manner and not at the emotional undertones. I do agree with you in that I see no sense of it being a poem about, or to, a lover though. Equally, I can see why your partner is hacked off.

Yep yep, I was intending to gently hint that it's a little bit weird for your boyfriend to dictate who you have as friends on facebook, or to notice that lots of guys are all over you.

Really, unless you hang out with utter creeps, it's unlikely that you have a lot of male friends who are "all over you".

your xbf might have a small self-esteem and a big ego. so that his girlfriend appearing to value another man's character was intolerable to him. I think a man with a healthier self-esteem and a smaller ego would have dealt with it better. Maybe it would have embarrassed him but he would have talked it through, not dumped you!!

Not much consolation right now but now you are free to heap praise on whoever you want to praise.

Ps I am sorry that he has ended it over this: that is a bit drastic...

If you're still reading OP, I think what you did was inappropriate, but you clearly didn't mean it in the way your ex has taken it. And I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time given that you've held your hands up and said YABU.

I'm horrified that he dumped you over this. That is a massive overreaction. I hope you're OK today.

I'm also very sorry he's ended it. That said, I doubt it was an over reaction on his part. Going by your responses here, he's probably had a lot of these conversations with you and I suspect he asked you to defined your exes because you behaved similarly in the past and claimed utter bewilderment when he pulled you up on it. Just speculating based on what you wrote, so could be way off. In this case, I don't see any controlling behaviour on his part, sorry.

Defriend, stupid autocorrect.

Thankyou for all your views. I expected a heavy contrast, 'OP you're a massive twat' followed by 'OP you sound lovely' - I appreciate it's hard to gauge someone's integrity when they're just a random Internet stranger.

There has been a lot of projection, insisting I must secretly be courting the attention of every male on my Facebook list or I'm 'kidding myself' I don't have feelings for this man, when
I can categorically state I have no feelings whatsoever for him.

There's a lot of disbelief at my naievety. Which instead of accusing me of being manipulative and dishonest, might be helpfully explained by the fact I've had AS levelled at me before and is something I've more recently considered possible.

My boyfriend isn't controlling. I have been in a previous long term DV relationship. Very DV. So I now recognise flags. He has consistent integrity. But with his own demons that allow for his dislike of being favoured over other men, even it unproven.
He was understandably humiliated by my post and I have apologised for it.

He hasn't dumped me. We were having a long text conversation last night and I was frustrated with the situation, and a bit angry, he said 'don't contact me again' after I swore at him. The last time he told me not to contact him again was after he'd broken up, in the early days. I assumed it meant the same this time.

Summarily, whilst I still can't see the romantic overtones in this poem (as a very few others can't either), I do accept that any poem can be received as such if the recipient has motive. I made an error of judgement in posting that poem in this instance. It has hurt someone. It's a learning curve.

And 'Moot' is a lovely word! It's a bit Tolkien and I love it

I think you are possibly struggling to interpret tone and intent.
An example of this is on this thread when you attacked Vicarinatutu who posted an incredibly supportive post. You didn't seem to recognise that.
Perhaps that is a problem for you?

Yes, AS did cross my mind actually. I don't want to reveal too much about my identity, but I certainly have a lot of experience in this area! You are clearly bright, articulate, technically precise and logical, but I get a sense that you are less able to read emotional layers of meaning. I so hope that I have not offended you in any way- I wouldn't have said anything unless you had mentioned it first. I can totally see why that poem means something about the intellectual capacity of a person you admire, when others see it as a poem about love and adoration.

'Attacked' them, Pag?

To say I resented Vicarinatutu suggesting I posted the poem to make myself 'look all mysterious and clever' is not an 'attack' on someone. It was a fairly polite response.

But you completely missed how supportive she was being, and the fact she said it in a jokey manner.

When I first posted about you seeming detached I thought the same as red but didn't want to say anything to offend.

Red Yes I agree I think I might fail to recognise an emotional layer of a poem. I certainly did in this instance.
No, you haven't offended me at all, don't worry.

No, I didn't miss the support, Nursey. I noticed it.

I think I'm too economical with my words which is giving the impression of detachment. I'm not a walking robot. I have facial expressions and emotions and everything

And now you are being picky with me?

She was broadly supportive when others we're hostile or mocking. Yet you singled out her post to respond to in a faintly aggresive way.
I have read your thread and not insulted or criticised you but wondered if your personal communication 'filter' might be off centre and you want to argue with me?

I think following the possibility that you may struggle with interpreting communication may be useful to you long term.
Unless you think everything is just fine and dandy of course?

Pag Asking me if I 'want to argue with you' isn't provocative to me. We've crossed swords before. I'm staying well away from you. Sorry.

Don't apologise. It's fine.
I know you are totally misunderstanding my intent. Some people I love dearly have communication difficulties and your posts echo with that.

But i have no idea what you are talking about and have no notion why you woud have a problem with me so I will wish you well and leave you to those better equipped to support you.
Good luck.

You say you've had AS 'levelled at you' before - is that from a professional or someone who knows you personally? Was it an off-the-cuff 'have you considered...' or was it a more serious 'concern' by that person?

How do you feel about the idea that you may be very intelligent, articulate and have a great grasp of the English Language when it's being used 'straight' but possibly find it harder to interpret less transparent uses of language?