I don't want to rip my family apart but I have to. He slapped our DD's face.

[FlatsInDagenham]

I will try to keep the story short. Last night DH slapped our 5yo DD's face because she was being obstinate, arguing and refusing to listen to him. Not hard enough to hurt much, but still, a slap on the face.

He has form for this kind of thing.

I have told him I want to separate.

He is devastated. I am devastated. When DD finds out, she will be devastated too. Our 2yo DD might not notice much but she loves her dad.

So that's 4 devastated people who want to be together but I am forcing us apart.

But I just cannot accept his treatment of our DD. If he had shown any regret or questioned his own actions at all, I might have been able to help him through it. But he stands by his actions "110%". Just like he stood by his actions the other times. I can't stand by him and let it happen again. I can't co-parent with a man who thinks that a 5yo can be "manipulative", has in the past described her as a "little bitch" and thinks it's ok to slap her face.

He's not a bad person (yes I know how that sounds but it's true). But sometimes he gets it so unbelievably wrong - parenting, I mean. He also has alcohol issues (though I must stress that he hadn't been drinking when this happened) that have plagued our marriage for more years than I care to remember. Many times I thought I'd end our relationship over the alcohol. But in the end it's something else that's tipped me over the edge. He slapped our DD's face. For arguing back. I can't come back from that.

Oh God, please tell me I haven't over reacted (he thinks I have). Please tell me if you think I'm splitting up our precious family unnecessarily.

Ring the police or SS. I told 2 different medical professionals about the abuse in our home. The first one said "you'll cope, that's what women do." The second said "he seems pretty calm to me when he's here in the clinic." Even though I told both of them about verbal and physical abuse (not just against me, but against DCs as well), and neither of them did anything or helped me in any way. This was about a year apart - I was really stressed and upset and frightened. I finally told another medical professional and she rang SS and reported it. By that time, however, I had kicked ex out of the house, so no further investigations, even though he was continuing the VA and PA when he came for contact visits.

I'm at the moment refusing contact after speaking to a solicitor.

I think I have seen a thread about this before - I remember the 'little bitch' and 'manipulative' comments.

I started thinking I wouldn't report this, but the problem is that if you get, say, 50/50 custody, she is no better protected than she is now.

This will happen again, but next time you won't be there to comfort her. Therefore, you have to report - I'm really sorry.

Of course DCs push our buttons. If someone his own size pushed his buttons would H slap them?

I was slapped and smacked up to around age 16. I chose not to strike my DCs as a default parenting strategy. I'm no saint neither's my H we all have off days but we haven't had to read each other the riot act in respect of being heavy handed.

I appreciate OP's H isn't slapping his DD on a daily basis. The instances she outlined might only happen roughly once a year. But he doesn't see a problem. Throwing one child onto a bed so she and her baby sister crack heads - wtf? If one 5 year old can get him so worked up, how will he cope as the younger gets more vocal? This was when stone cold sober. Not even the 'excuse' of a drink or two or a Daddy sore head.

In your shoes I'd report it on the police non - emergency number.

You are absolutely right to put a stop to this now. There is nothing that a child could ever do, that would warrant being slapped on the face. It is abusive behaviour.
You do have to report it, to protect her in the future, and I would suggest a parenting course to him, so he can learn some better strategies to manage his own reactions when dealing with behaviour he doesn't like.

This morning I told DD that what he had done was wrong and I wasn't going to put up with it. She started defending him, which makes me want to weep with heartbreak for her

Please be careful to consider the feelings she could be left with if she thinks that daddy left because of how she behaved. She may feel guilty that it is all her fault, she may be angry at you for making him leave. She needs to know that what he did was wrong, but the reason he has to leave, is because he thinks that what he did was right, and it never can be.

Now he knows I'm serious, he is scared. He has nowhere to go (no family nearby etc.). He is saying he will do it my way. He says that hitting from now on is simply not an option.

The thing is, he might agree to that and he might even stick to it, but it really bothers me that he still can't seem to see that his actions were wrong. He needs to understand it properly if there is to be any hope of reconciliation.

We are supposed to be having a talk tonight after the DC are asleep. He's quite chirpy now (has been very sullen for last couple of days) because I've said let's have a family meal tonight and then talk later. He thinks I'm softening. Maybe he's right - I am. But I really don't want to. I have to take the hard line on this, right now.

So I was thinking of asking him to move out for 6 months. In that time he is to seek counselling for himself, for his alcohol issues and sign up to parenting classes. He cannot live in the same house as me and the children until he has begun seriously dealing with all these issues. He can have supervised access in the meantime.

What do you think?

Flats can you actually trust him though? Would you be comfortable leaving DCs with him? I can tell you from experience that I had to make sure that ex was NEVER alone with the DCs and it was horrible. He played offended constantly, then flip-flopped back to "so I hit him, so what?" and "not THIS again!" and on other occasions knew that he could piss off doing something else as he knew I wouldn't leave the DCs with him.

Trust me. Being a lone parent is so so much easier than policing a FW that cannot control himself around the DCs. If you give in now, he WILL fall back eventually.

How are you going to explain to your DC that "I know daddy hurt you, but I'm going to give him another crack at it." That's what motivated me to get my ex out. My DCs were relying on me to keep them safe.

Tell SS.... let THEM decide when he is ready to be unsupervised around the children. That way you're not being the policeman in this. Because he will focus his anger and frustration on you.

It's what I would do, but I share your concern that his willingness to "do it your way" is out of concern for a roof over his head, not for his child's welfare.

It's what I would do, but I share your concern that his willingness to "do it your way" is out of concern for a roof over his head, not for his child's welfare.

Me too. I think there's a risk it's appeasement to keep the family unit together, rather than because he understands your fears and how it's the losing control that is the issue. I'm not being funny but things don't get easier. What would happen if he were really stressed and your DC really were out to push the buttons as they tend to when they get older.

He needs to learn effective parenting NOW, before he's tested again. Even in the olden days when smacking was acceptable, it should never have been in anger when out of control. not that I'm condoning anything before anyone starts

thing is, a 2 and 5 yo can be difficult and unreasonable because they're little.

what's he going to be like with a bolshy teen?

my point is if he's like this now, what's he going to be like when they're older?

Yes that does concern me Logg1e.

You posted before about him didn't you? And yet are back again in an escalating situation :(

I am worried you will relent. How can you bear to be in the same house as him? I'd have called the police that instant and kicked him out.

You are failing to protect your daughter.

And so does that, eddielizard.

George I have to admit that calling the police seriously did not occur to me. Probably because she wasn't injured. You make a very good point though and despite my softening heart, I actually wish I had thought of it (and done it).

Op, my dad was like this and it's given me massive issues. I longed for them to divorce. It's easy to stay butit's right to go. Especially as he doesn't think he's done anything wrong x

If this is a one of I would be inclined to talk this through and if he was repentant upon calmi g down, I would consider how to move forward. We all make mistakes and are conditioned due to how we were parented ourselves

If he is unrepentant I would consider more drastic options

It would also depend on his general character and behaviour

I know my DH once lost his rag with ds when he was 6 and smacked his bum because he wouldn't sleep and I was furious, but things like this I would consider getting some counselling from a third party before making a bug decision

Flats it is not you that ripped the family apart! It was him that behaved this way to your baby. I mean what would be next!

My ex slapped his non verbal DS in the face at 3 years old for turning his computer off. When I found out when DS could talk at 5 years old I stopped contact straight away. Trouble was by then DS had another 2 years of physical and psychological abuse which was far worse than a slap in the face:( I did not know about ( ex and I seperated pre birth) but I had a red flag when ex shouted at DS to stop crying as he carried him in supermarket at 4 months old!

You are doing 100% the right thing! No unsupervised access either please learn from my poor DS situation which I will always blame myself too even though I did not know at time it doesnt stop the guilt!

bish have you RTFT? Do you think it's a one off? Do you think he's repentant?

I think your plan about him moving out is a good one. The thing that concerns me is that he cannot ser he was wrong so is doing this because he thinks it will shut you up. I am not sure about police but definitely social services . You NEED this on record as a) the reason for a divorce if it goes that far and b) so that he can only have supervised access.

Thete is a huge difference between a smavked bum and a slapped face bish!

he absolutely knew your feelings on hitting. he knew you disapproved and he knew that he had previously said he'd never do it again.

he did it anyway.

and now he realises he's gone too far so he's trying everything he can to return to the status quo.

you know that he might rein it in a 6 months / a year and then it's back to what he knows. he makes a CHOICE to do it.

he has now made the CHOICE to break up the family. not you. he knew full well how serious it was yet he went ahead anyway.

i'll tell you something else. if he can, next time he's going to tell your children to keep quiet that he's hit them. your dd's already feeling responsible. it will be very easy for him to convince her to keep quiet. and i bet he would have done that today if he'd had enough time to calm her before you saw her.

you are SO doing the right thing. for you and your family.

"if he can, next time he's going to tell your children to keep quiet that he's hit them. your dd's already feeling responsible. it will be very easy for him to convince her to keep quiet."
Sadly, I have to agree with this. He doesn't see his hitting as wrong, so he'll hide it from you rather than stop doing it .

Listen to the above.

The time to report the incident is now. It doesn't matter that it was a few days ago (if I've understood correctly), what matters is that a record of it is logged.

It's an insurance policy in case you need to prove violence later. Only you can do it, and now is the time to do it, whether with the police or SS.

You are not breaking up your family - he has. Be strong and yes leave him, I know I would.