I don't want to rip my family apart but I have to. He slapped our DD's face.

[FlatsInDagenham]

I will try to keep the story short. Last night DH slapped our 5yo DD's face because she was being obstinate, arguing and refusing to listen to him. Not hard enough to hurt much, but still, a slap on the face.

He has form for this kind of thing.

I have told him I want to separate.

He is devastated. I am devastated. When DD finds out, she will be devastated too. Our 2yo DD might not notice much but she loves her dad.

So that's 4 devastated people who want to be together but I am forcing us apart.

But I just cannot accept his treatment of our DD. If he had shown any regret or questioned his own actions at all, I might have been able to help him through it. But he stands by his actions "110%". Just like he stood by his actions the other times. I can't stand by him and let it happen again. I can't co-parent with a man who thinks that a 5yo can be "manipulative", has in the past described her as a "little bitch" and thinks it's ok to slap her face.

He's not a bad person (yes I know how that sounds but it's true). But sometimes he gets it so unbelievably wrong - parenting, I mean. He also has alcohol issues (though I must stress that he hadn't been drinking when this happened) that have plagued our marriage for more years than I care to remember. Many times I thought I'd end our relationship over the alcohol. But in the end it's something else that's tipped me over the edge. He slapped our DD's face. For arguing back. I can't come back from that.

Oh God, please tell me I haven't over reacted (he thinks I have). Please tell me if you think I'm splitting up our precious family unnecessarily.

Please report this now. It's not too late. It will focus his mind and give him an incentive to genuinely change his ways and will give you a back up in insisting that he leaves for 6 months.

6 months will give him the time to decide whether he is going to wise up and learn how to parent and stop drinking or whether he is going to stick to the way he is. It will also give you a breathing space.

If you don't report this now, you will almost certainly regret it.

And yes, unless he stops violence because he knows it's wrong, rather than because you might chuck him out, he's not really going to change and your DD will learn to tiptoe round him so as not to provoke him, but if she does she'll learn not to tell you just in case you throw Daddy out.

Be firm. Tell him he can either agree to go for six months and sort himself up, or he can go for good. No other options. (He's going to want to stay.)

You can still report the incident.

What happens when your dd tells her teacher at school?

I suffered at home with domestic violence and alcoholism. Telling my teacher was the best thing I did as no adult at home did much.

Take control and report it.

I cannot believe you are considering staying with this man. His feet wouldn't touch the floor if he had done that to my DDs.

Kick his arse out the door OP. He is a vile human being.

If ANYONE else had slapped your "little bitch" of a daughter across the face, you'd never have them near her again, would you?

A family fucking meal?

You can imagine what I think about this 6 months idea... But if you're going to do it, why hasn't it started yet? Why is he STILL in your home? He's going nowhere, is he? He'll agree to the 6 months, then you'll agree a couple of weeks to find a flat, then he'll be so lovely in those weeks you'll decide it's crazy to spend money on a flat, be apart when he really has changed...

And then he'll slap her again.

Which may not do permanent physical damage.

But it will move her a big step closer to getting beaten up by her boyfriend in future.

Jesus, I've a 5 year old girl lying beside me now. OP, don't you remember holding her as a tiny baby, knowing that you'd do anything to protect her? She's FIVE. And she was slapped across the face by her own father.

I'd offer the 6 months at least but wouldn't suggest what he should do. He should think about it and seek help himself.

Certainly make sure he is out now. It is not your problem what happens to him. He was the one who caused it all.

And then make the separation permanent.

Yes I would agree that he should go tonight or tomorrow.

This weekend.

Do NOT let him hang around the house doing the loving father and husband thing for a couple of weeks before he goes.

If he tries to impose terms, then you'll know the split should be declared permanent as from now.

Agree with everything Cabrinha said.

You need to get away from this man.

He does not respect your children and he does not know how to behave around them.

What happens when they are older and mouthy? He'll hit them. They'll either get upset and introverted and be disturbed and possibly have it affect their adult life or they may tell their teachers/others in their lives and you'll probably have them taken off you.

All because he can't control his temper.

I'm sure you are an amazing Mum but do what's right for the children in the long run, not in the short term.

Hi op just to add I see 10 teen versions of what your daughter might turn out like if you don't grow a pair and phone the police.
If social services find out you did nothing the first time around, and it took another incident with him to bring you to your senses then they are going to look to you for some answers, as well as him.

I see all week every week the aftermath of parenting such as yours and his, I include you in this because your their mother, where the hell is your inner tigress I daren't put on a public forum what I would have done to him, then I would have phoned the police.

ive just realised who you are....the other incidents.

i think i posted then about my abusive childhood. i have not seen my mother in 14 years. i do not talk to her. or want to.
she was in your position with a partner who was abusive to me. i have never, and will never, forgive her for not protecting me.

he means sod all to me really - he is dead now anyway. (and i hadnt seen him since i left home either)
she meant something to me and thats why its such a huge betrayal - she was meant to protect me. and didnt. and for that i will never see her again.

think very very carefully about what you do next. put him first and you will reap exactly what you sow.

and....his abuse of me and her complete condoning of it (by doing nothing about it) left me with huge self esteem issues. even now "sorry" is my most used word. im 42. im a police officer. fine on the outside. but it took until last year to sort out my past with rewind therapy. 41 lost years feeling like shit. feeling completely unworthy of anything good.

do you want that for your daughters? if so, put up and shut up. and be prepared for them to hate you.
if not then do something. step up to the bloody plate and be their mother. protect them.

what your husband is doing is assaulting them. this is about HIS temper. and your passive acceptance. yes you might froth for a bit and tell him he is wrong but what changes? what changed when he pulled your dds hair? when he threw your dd onto the bed?
fuck all is what.
wake up.

She's 5 and he's lost his temper once a year. So, probably, 3 times max?

She is little enough not to remember any of the incidents if nothing recurs.

I would be sitting down, discussing anger management and AA as appropriate, and letting him know you are deadly serious, and that any further recurrence will mean you walk, with the children.

What was she doing, as a matter of interest? He shouldn't have slapped her, for sure, but little kids have fantastic ways of pushing parental buttons. He needs some decent parenting techniques to understand that's what's happening, and give him ways of managing it.

wurst what do you think of everyone's advice that there is no explaining calling a five year old a little bitch who can take a slap, let alone giving her that slap? What do you think about people saying that the children's welfare comes before his? That the effort to think about how to change has to come from him and not OP?

Wurst, you are wrong. She will remember I certainly do.

Everyone who has posted that your daughter is now well on her way to being vulnerable to being abused when she is older is right.

I didn't think I was scarred by my experiences. The violence was sporadic and talked away. My parents were very loving (it seemed) in other ways.

However I found myself in an abusive relationship in my 20's... and I didn't even recognise it as such until a flatmate told me that her and her boyfriend were scared for me and had nearly called the police one night. It makes me very sad that I was so damaged that I couldn't see this was wrong. There are other longer term issues too.

I wonder what has happened to you OP?

Why wouldn't you get this all on record?

Why is he still there right now?

I worry for your children, I really do.

Jesus Christ wurst. she will remember. and if he is capable of this it wont stop. he has form. any man capable of calling his 5yr old a little bitch who can take a slap is not ever going to be father of the year. I fucking hate my mother now for that exact attitude. stupid stupid thing to say. my sf called me a superscillious little bitch. I remember. everything.

My father only became abusive as I started to question him around the age of 12.
Initially my mum didn't know so a few incidents happened. I thought it was my fault.
My Dsis is 11 years younger than me. It took her innocently saying something to my mum for us to get out.
Mum was seriously ill at the time and I didn't want to bother her and thought I could make him like me.
My sister was only 3 when we left. He was never violent towards her. However she witnessed stuff. She remembers. She still remembers 20 odd years later.
Your dds will remember.

I witnessed similar behaviour in the husband of a friend years ago and I did nothing about it and wish I had. The child's mother ignored this incident and looked away so I knew it was regular occurrence. It also explained the behaviour of the DD which I thought was odd at the time. Please don't sit and break bread with this violent aggressor in your midst. One day you may really regret the action you take at this point in your life OP. A slightly harder slap may have tragic consequences.

Pls let him go how could he have ever called her a little bitch?!
I dread to think what he would do to her when she is a teenager and wants to have her way. He is abusive. A slap is a slap no matter the intensity. He should have had more self control.

Morning, Flats

I've been reading previous posts to evaluate his past behaviour and I really hope you get rid of him today.

It has been going to and fro, with him constantly staying after all, because you nor him have anywhere to go and so on. His drinking, job issues, and behaviour with the children.
I very much doubt he will get better. In fact, only worse if you allow him to keep staying.
It calls for decisive action and it must be today rather than whenever.

Call WA for support and CAB.

Be careful.

I'm still listening. May I just add a correction - he has never said she can 'take a slap.' Some posters are quoting another poster as if it came from one of my posts. It didn't and he hasn't said it.

I told him my terms. He raged at first. He was still minimising and defending what he's done. I will not accept any kind of defence. Only true remorse and action to change are acceptable. My terms still stand - go for 6 months and get his head sorted or go for good.

It's hard to stay strong. Despite his warped thinking on this and the years of alcohol abuse, I still love him. I am heartbroken it's come to this but I must stay strong. I have drawn a line at last and I'm not about to rub it out again.

I am so worried about this lady children. She is obviously going to stay with him by what she has said and her past posts this behaviour is nothing new.

The fact is he will properly start hiding his abuse because what he thinks is ok. He is an dangerous man to his children yet because the op loves him, she cannot let him go.

I am tempted myself to contact social services, surely staying with this man is putting her children in harm way and they should get involved? mind you I do not know where op lives so I guess no point but warning op, ss will be very concerned if they knew the situation.

When is he going?

Your feelings are normal. We don't leave without internal struggle, but in this case your head must rule.
He is not a good husband or father and you are all safer away from him.

You have GOT to report this. You owe it to your children. And broken hearts can mend. Broken bones and fractured skulls are harder to fix.

And broken spirits.