I don't want to rip my family apart but I have to. He slapped our DD's face.

[FlatsInDagenham]

I will try to keep the story short. Last night DH slapped our 5yo DD's face because she was being obstinate, arguing and refusing to listen to him. Not hard enough to hurt much, but still, a slap on the face.

He has form for this kind of thing.

I have told him I want to separate.

He is devastated. I am devastated. When DD finds out, she will be devastated too. Our 2yo DD might not notice much but she loves her dad.

So that's 4 devastated people who want to be together but I am forcing us apart.

But I just cannot accept his treatment of our DD. If he had shown any regret or questioned his own actions at all, I might have been able to help him through it. But he stands by his actions "110%". Just like he stood by his actions the other times. I can't stand by him and let it happen again. I can't co-parent with a man who thinks that a 5yo can be "manipulative", has in the past described her as a "little bitch" and thinks it's ok to slap her face.

He's not a bad person (yes I know how that sounds but it's true). But sometimes he gets it so unbelievably wrong - parenting, I mean. He also has alcohol issues (though I must stress that he hadn't been drinking when this happened) that have plagued our marriage for more years than I care to remember. Many times I thought I'd end our relationship over the alcohol. But in the end it's something else that's tipped me over the edge. He slapped our DD's face. For arguing back. I can't come back from that.

Oh God, please tell me I haven't over reacted (he thinks I have). Please tell me if you think I'm splitting up our precious family unnecessarily.

I have read this thread in it entirety, its a sad read.

My heart goes out to you OP and your gorgeous girls. Sincerely hope for the best for you all.

jana, you should read the whole thread really

I hadn't commented so far on what OP should/shouldn't do until I picked LazyJaney up today for the usual woman-hating agenda it spouts constantly on threads where a woman is vulnerable and struggling.

don't attribute harsh posts to me that I have not made please

One line that jumps out at me is the one where OP didn't think to call the police because DD suffered no injury. This speaks volumes. This child had already experienced a non-accidental bruise, as had her sister.

Can you imagine how frightened she must be when her father gets angry? And how this can transfer to unreasonably high levels of fear and anxiety when she is in non-threatening situations - like a teacher raising their voice, or hearing a loud bang. It's not a good thing to condition children to anxiety.

OP, I've not read your past threads but I wonder how conditioned you are to appeasing your DH. It's feels like your approach is "I can control this if he does a,b,c or x,y,z." Sadly we have no control over those who feel that physical harm is a proportionate response to their anger.

Actually I do have an agenda. My agenda is to let everyone know that they have the right to be and feel safe in their own homes and to validate their feeling that if they live with someone who is abusive, they have the right to end that relationship because no one should think a relationship is more important than their or their children's safety, self-esteem and long term emotional and psychological health.

Aren't I evil?

Thinking of you Flats

Hope you are ok

itsjustplayingonmymind you are talking bollocks. How the fuck do you know "for sure" he won't do it again?

He has hit his child more than once. Again, how are you so sure he will realise he is wrong and things will get better? How many times does the OP need to allow her DD to be abused before he gets it?

And it is break, not brake.

Flats has he gone and are you and your DD okay?

He has gone.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Thanks to the genuinely supportive posters .

leave him and if you divorce make sure to tell the court this as it is child abuse, its a crime.

Well done, FID. What are the terms on which he has left ?

FID, you have done the right thing - i know how hard this must have been for you :( I genuinely hope that you manage to move on from this and that he manages to get the help he needs in order to maintain a relationship with his children. But the thing is, that is up to him, it is not your responsibility to do that, its his! Your responsibility (and his actually but he is not doing this just now) is to keep your children safe and you have done this - you are awesome!

Well done Flats - you should be very proud of yourself.....wobbly, doubtless, but proud. Stay strong. X

Well done flats, I haven't posted sense the arguing started as didn't want to detract, but you are doing brilliantly, you are protecting your children v from someone who should be doing that with you, its one is the hardest things you will have to do but it is the most important, admiting their father is abusing your children and then acting on that to protect your little girls

Keep them safe, stay safe yourself, if you have it un you contact ss so their is a record to help you further down the line in preventing unsupervised access, they will good your hand through this difficult time and support you,

Massive hugs and respect to you, FiD

That is great! :)

I hope he stays away.

For the sake of the children, do make sure he can't go back and report his abuse of them.

Bless you Flats you must be all over the place.

You've done absolutely the right thing,I hope you know that. This doesn't mean your marriage is over, but he needs to get help with his issues.

He only showed real remorse when you told him to leave remember.

Stay strong

Stay strong and be safe in the knowledge you have made the best decision for the whole family.
Only time will show you that, once the rawness of the emotions has eased.

your girls will thank you one day flats.

Well done OP. It is hellish hard but those DCs have you and only you to be their voice in this world. Good luck, you are a good Mum for doing this one almost impossible thing, putting them before your own needs.

you've been incredibly brave lass, incredibly brave. Well done.

Sending strength for the next few days. I have been where you are and know all the 'is this the right thing?' turmoil, and how hard it is to come to terms with what you know you have to do.

He will probably go on a campaign to try to get back with you. Please don't listen to promises. Look at actions ie what steps he takes to get help, as they will be the things that count.

And so very well done. It is so hard, yet you did it.

My dad used to terrify me, the odd slap, smack, being called useless, thick as two short planks etc.

When I left home I walked straight into an abusive relationship which sucked up 8 years of my life.

I have a good relationship with my dad now, he was mimicking the behaviour he learnt as a child. You have broken the cycle and stood up for your kids. This is a really important lesson even though they will struggle to understand it at first.

Flats you have done the right thing. My children and I have been in your situation. Your babies come first.

Sending hugs Flats, what a difficult thing to have had to do, you are very brave.

Oh Flats - just caught up

Sending enormous un-mnetty (((hugs))) I'm sure it was extremely difficult but fwiw you've done the right thing.

How are you doing? How are your beautiful dc?

Flats well done!