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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to rip my family apart but I have to. He slapped our DD's face.

362 replies

FlatsInDagenham · 21/03/2014 23:43

I will try to keep the story short. Last night DH slapped our 5yo DD's face because she was being obstinate, arguing and refusing to listen to him. Not hard enough to hurt much, but still, a slap on the face.

He has form for this kind of thing.

I have told him I want to separate.

He is devastated. I am devastated. When DD finds out, she will be devastated too. Our 2yo DD might not notice much but she loves her dad.

So that's 4 devastated people who want to be together but I am forcing us apart.

But I just cannot accept his treatment of our DD. If he had shown any regret or questioned his own actions at all, I might have been able to help him through it. But he stands by his actions "110%". Just like he stood by his actions the other times. I can't stand by him and let it happen again. I can't co-parent with a man who thinks that a 5yo can be "manipulative", has in the past described her as a "little bitch" and thinks it's ok to slap her face.

He's not a bad person (yes I know how that sounds but it's true). But sometimes he gets it so unbelievably wrong - parenting, I mean. He also has alcohol issues (though I must stress that he hadn't been drinking when this happened) that have plagued our marriage for more years than I care to remember. Many times I thought I'd end our relationship over the alcohol. But in the end it's something else that's tipped me over the edge. He slapped our DD's face. For arguing back. I can't come back from that.

Oh God, please tell me I haven't over reacted (he thinks I have). Please tell me if you think I'm splitting up our precious family unnecessarily.

OP posts:
minniebar · 22/03/2014 08:55

Leaving him for using '110%' would be an overreaction. Not this.

He's a mathematically inept abusive bastard and you and your DDs deserve more.

Snoozybird · 22/03/2014 08:57

This morning I told DD that what he had done was wrong and I wasn't going to put up with it. She started defending him, which makes me want to weep with heartbreak for her.

Fast forward a few years and your DD will probably be getting defensive about her abusive husband, unless you are strong enough to follow through with separating.

I grew up with a father who was violent towards me and I thought for many years it was all my fault and that I must have been a horribly behaved child (needless to say I wasn't). I went on to have an abusive relationship with my now exH and wasted 17 years of my life with him including my child-bearing years which I am very sad about. I have lasting issues with self-esteem and have had counselling on and off for the last few years trying to unravel all the damage caused. I'm still not even halfway there.

I went no contact with my parents for 15 years, not only with my father but with my mother as well as I was angry with her for not leaving my dad thereby enabling the abuse to happen. Your daughter may find separation difficult in the short term but in the long run she won't thank you for staying.

Good luck x

Alwaysbloodyhungry · 22/03/2014 09:01

You haven't over reacted no, any hitting is wrong and a form of abuse. Even " just a small tap on the hand/bottom to prevent them hurting/burning themselves" (oh the irony) is wrong.

Original poster
FlatsInDagenham · 22/03/2014 09:08

I'm still firm in my resolve, but feel I should clarify a couple of things:

He didn't call her a little bitch to her face - he said it to me about her, out of her earshot (I do know this is still totally unacceptable, just wanted to clarify).

He doesn't hit me. He has hit her before though. I'm afraid what I'm going to write now will turn some of you against me for having stayed as long as I have. Please don't be harsh with me, I have come here for support.

He didn't and hasn't ever hit her hard. However he is not in control - he once threw her onto the bed in anger - she landed on the baby and they bashed heads. Both had a small bruise. He also once, when older DD was 2 and bit his chest, pulled her hair to get her off him, which must have hurt and certainly distressed her.

I'd say we've had an incident about once a year so far.

After every incident I have had to read him the riot act just to get him to see that his actions were wrong. Then he has (eventually) agreed not to do it again. And he has apologised to DD afterwards (after the riot act). But I suspect he still fundamentally believes that he was not wrong.

Some of you are saying I need to report this - to whom? How?

OP posts:
Wishyouwould · 22/03/2014 09:08

My STBXH slapped our then 10 year old DS in the face. I wish I'd reported in now. He moved out not long after. He swears it was an accident until he is blue in the face, it absolutely was not, he lost control.

You are not over reacting. I know how scary it feels to make the decision to split your family up but you know it's the right thing to do. So sorry you are going through this Flowers

RedlipsAndSlippers · 22/03/2014 09:13

That last bit of information makes me want to cry for your DD OP. Once a year? Throwing, hair pulling and slapping!? What's next, punching? Kicking? Worse?
He now knows that he can keep doing these things and you will be angry for a bit, then let it go. Please prove him wrong!!
Call the police in the non emergency number, tell them of EVERY incident. They will support you in whatever needs to happen next.
Leave him, I have never said that to anyone before.
Your precious babies deserve much, much better.

Waimaz · 22/03/2014 09:13

you are doing the right thing OP. you must get your children away from this man.

Badvoc · 22/03/2014 09:15

God...so many of these threads recently :(
He is not a good man and you are now realising it.
Better late than never I guess...

mymiraclebubba · 22/03/2014 09:15

Report him to the police this is abuse

Badvoc · 22/03/2014 09:17

Call the police.
Report each incident.
You need to protect your children.
How do you think he will cope then she is a teenager and answering back?...what will he do to her then when he loses control?

Joysmum · 22/03/2014 09:22

When you divorce, you will still have to co-parent with him as he will still be their father and have those rights. If you divorce you also lose some of your ability to monitor, manage and influence his parenting. Divorcing will actually have disadvantages in these respects.

I'm not saying what he did was right. I'm not even saying you are wrong to divorce over this, just bare this in mind when making your decision as to what comes next for you all.

Realitybitesyourbum · 22/03/2014 09:25

i second jugofwildflowers.

tribpot · 22/03/2014 09:34

He didn't and hasn't ever hit her hard

She's five years old. FIVE. He shouldn't have hit her at all, ever. He threw her at the baby and injured them both.

The drinking can affect your anger, and certainly your ability to deal with stress, even when you're not drunk. You have every reason to need to get your children away from this man. Not least the fact you need to report the incidents to the police before your dd tells a teacher.

He doesn't hit me. He has hit her before though.

I assume you are deeply ashamed of this.

daytoday · 22/03/2014 09:35

Children don't feel pain the same way as adults depending on their size. A slap to a 5 year old will feel like a punch on an adult.

Logg1e · 22/03/2014 09:38

In the OP's position I too would be questioning whether the reporting was necessary.

Original poster
FlatsInDagenham · 22/03/2014 09:42

Ashamed that he has never hit me? No, why would I be?

Ashamed that he has hit her? Yes, absolutely. Raging, bewildered, sad, disbelieving and totally devastated that the seemingly gentle man I have loved for 22 years could turn out to be such a terrible father.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlatsInDagenham · 22/03/2014 09:45

Logg1e, help me out here because I feel cornered. I don't want to report him to the police. Why do you think it's unnecessary? Why do others think it necessary?

I just want him to move out.

OP posts:
Abbierhodes · 22/03/2014 09:49

It is necessary because when you leave him he will have access to your daughter and may continue to abuse her without you there. You need to make sure that this does not happen. Social services will help you to protect her.

ohfourfoxache · 22/03/2014 09:53

Flats you are not over reacting in the slightest Thanks

In terms of reporting, what happens if you separate and he has unsupervised access? Obviously his is not a reason not to separate (I firmly believe that you have to to protect your dc) but his behaviour needs flagging up with the authorities.

Logg1e · 22/03/2014 09:54

I don't think it's unnecessary per se, I just know that I'd find this so difficult if be going in to survival mode and would be trying to avoid any further struggle I could.

I'm not proud of that, but it's how I would be.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 22/03/2014 09:54

Whatever you do don't let him persuade you that he will have anger counselling. You have made the right decision to protect your children, well done. I would report to the police to be honest. When you separate you would not really want him to be alone with the kids.

Logg1e · 22/03/2014 09:55

How are things this morning OP? Is he still in the house?

ohfourfoxache · 22/03/2014 09:58

It definitely wouldn't be easy Logg1e Sad

Unfortunately though, from what Flats has written, it is something that she needs to seriously consider.

flats have you got any support in rl?

Atbeckandcall · 22/03/2014 09:59

I'm the same as OP and Logg1e.

I'd be saying to ex that unless he agrees to supervised access then I will be reporting him.
Not saying it's 100% the right thing to do but at times like this why put yourself through the stress if you don't think you can handle it?

starlight1234 · 22/03/2014 09:59

Yes you do need this reporting..
If things escalate as I have a strong fear they will then by not reporting it anywhere you have no evidence..

I have been as far as cafcass and they only take factual evidence...If you have nothing documented anywhere it is his word against yours..Also think when you separate would you want this man to see your children unsupervised? What evidence will you have it is unsafe.

When I left my EX h we went into a refuge to protect my DS..I still loved him when I left but needed to protect my child.Now I look back it was the best thing I did for both of us...