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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook

480 replies

Janstar · 15/03/2004 09:34

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

OP posts:
Blu · 19/04/2004 11:18

Hmmm. Does your h really think it's perfectly normal for parents to split? Also, I think that was a cruel and thoughtless thing to say to your poor DS, as it implies that he is acting irrationally in being upset, and denies him his right to be hurt. But then that's your h's signature tune atm, isn't it....only he can be upset!!!!
Spook, have you seen essbee's thread 'ok I'm finally askeing for help over DS', about the problems her DS is having? Sorry you are having to catch your poor DS's fallout in this way, it must feel as if it all never ends.
Is he selling shares to finance his flat?

spook · 19/04/2004 11:37

Hi Blu-judging by our backgrounds it is pretty normal for parents to split! But I agree.I don't like that line of fire atall.What he has done is NOT normal and I really don't want my 7 year old thinking this is how marraige is.
I don't know why he's selling shares-probably to live on.I know he's paying his staff but not himself at the moment.But the fact of the matter is he has no right to do anything without consulting me first.
I am not going to talk to him about anything at the moment.As I said I find non-communication very hard but easier than being told what a crap wife I was and that he can't possibly love me anymore.There's only so many times you can hear your husband say he's in love with someone else.
I have made an appointment with the Family Mediation Service to try and get some help for my little boy and myself.
Unfortunately they have to let the father know-which will go down like a lead balloon I just know it.Anything I do on the parenting front is wrong apparently.

Blu · 19/04/2004 11:49

I don't know anything about the FMS, but it sounds like an EXCELLENT thing to do - well done. Of couyrse he will have a go at your parenting approach, he has had to resort to 'people in glass houses have to throw as many stones as possible to avoid getting hit themselves' as his only remaining defence! But I am sure that anyone involved in mediation will have seen it all before. But just keep reminding yourself that you are doing it for yourself and your little boy, so that the destruction doesn't go any further than it need.
The money stuff sounds really difficult. Do you have a joint accountant? Of course he shouldn't be doing anything without telling you (and HAVE they sold the shares without your signature???), and you need to be protected - while not unreasonably blocking any chances of him re-building his business. (I still think his finance/business worries have sparked a lot of what he is doing...) Can you have some kind of me=diated meeting with the accountant?

dottee · 19/04/2004 11:59

This personal banker - is it your personal banker too? I'm sure the bank wouldn't want to break the law by cashing in stuff without your signature IYKWIM You've got a damn good bargaining tool there!

I feel so sorry that your eldest is dealing with the situation the way he is doing. The break up is not his fault at all (and neither is yours). H had no right to tell him it was the normal thing to do! I agree, what a tosser I suppose I was lucky in a way - I had a 3 year old dd with SN and a 1 year old ds and they didn't understand what was happening. Now they just accept it but ds knows what really did happen and he still dislikes the situation to some extent.

Heard a song yesterday and thought of you : Desree - 'You gotta be'. It was out when I was finding a life again and very, very appropriate words.

spook · 19/04/2004 16:03

Hi dottee,hi blu.The bank needs my signature before this money goes into his account.I have the forms and I am keeping them.It's up to him to bring it up now.The stuff is all coming to the house anyway. I think if he was doing any dodgy dealing he would've changed the address.What pisses me off is the fact that I haven't been consulted.
Actually what pisses me off is the air that he breathes.
Is this new phase a good one.I actually dislike him intensely and see him as a pathetic and weak man.This not seeing him/communicating with him is TOP NOTCH.I am still getting sad when thinking about things like family holidays and firsts (my eldests first tooth came out this morning) but nothing like as devastated as I was even just a week or two ago.
Although me and the boys watched Mrs Doubtfire last night and I sobbed and sobbed!

sykes · 19/04/2004 16:09

Hi, Spook, glad you're feeling a BIT better. I had personal counselling - have you thought of this? Was also recommended counsellors who specialised in children as was very concerned at one point - may help with your son? I think anger can be useful sometimes. I know I was incredibly furious at some points and it helped. It's now replaced by pity and a feeling of sadness and frustration with what my h did to my girls, me and now himself. How about a w/end away with a really good friend? I've only just done it but God I enjoyed it. Did have a lot of nights out but just being able to shop, drink, shop, drink, have supper, drink and then have a lazy brunch the next day without running around like a lunatic after small people was amazing.

Twinkie · 19/04/2004 16:13

Spook - you can get some great books on Amazon - I have given mine to Essbee but I will track down the names - one is helping children cope with divorce and is call something like Helping Children Cope with Divorce - I found it really good and there are a few others that are for young children to help them understand what is going on and to reaffirm that they are still loved by 2 parents - that kind of thing.

Have a look on Amazon.

spook · 19/04/2004 16:25

Hi Twinkie-I got one on Amazon (after your previous advice I think!) called "Where's Daddy" and it's very good.He just has all this anger and we have to channel it (preferably at his father not me and ds2!!!)

pollingfold · 19/04/2004 16:29

Spook, I always read this thread, but never join in normally. The note about the share selling thing had reminded me that at one point you were booked in to see a lawyers, but then pulled out if I recall correctly. Given his actions I would make that appointment again and quickly.

From what you've said it would appear that the bank have already sold the shares if they want to transfer the money in. How is this possible if you haven't given your authority for their sale? I would make a call to the bank and see why these shares have been sold with out your permission.

You are stronger every day

Twinkie · 19/04/2004 16:34

Order the book for you - the Helping Children Cope with Divorce - honestly it is really really good and helps you to understand how they are feeling and how you and x2b can react to how he feels.

littlemissbossy · 19/04/2004 16:36

spook, is the share certificate in both names? If yes, he can't sell without your permission and you could actually cancel the sale... although you would have to enquire about possible charges ... depends on how far down the line the sale has gone. You certainly need to speak to your solicitor if he has sold without your permission and it's too late to cancel. HTH

spook · 19/04/2004 17:13

Hi everyone.Thanks for all the advice.Have just spoken to our banker and he says the shares have been sold.Can do that without 2 signatures-there's a password on the account apparently.But he CAN'T allocate the money into an account without both signatures,But he said I need to talk to h about it otherwise there's 7 grand floating about with nowhere to go earning no interest.
Fuck-I really don't want to have to communicate with him about anything at the moment.Just trying to get myself stronger by the day.

spook · 19/04/2004 18:41

Oh bollocks bollocks bollocks.He's just been round with some Beyblades (long story) and now I feel like shit again.He has knocked me right off my pedestal. I was doing so well. I want to call him and start begging again now.Though he wasn't even very nice to me. He brought up the money.Said to expect a letter about shares.I explained that it had come and was a bit of a shock and mentioned that he needed my signature and he just got really snappy with me. AGAIN. I pointed out that after he walked out the selling of 7 grands worth of shares withoiut my knowledge was ever so slightly suspect.
He was here playing with his children in a family situation just before bath-time knowing the tooth fairy was on her way for the first time.HOW CAN ANYONE JUST WALK OUT ON THAT???
Help me please to not phone him. I feel terrible again.

Clayhead · 19/04/2004 18:50

Spook, feel very humble next to all these words of wisdom but DON'T PHONE HIM!!! If you read your posts you can see that every time you do you feel so bad afterwards.

I know, easy for me to say...

AussieSim · 19/04/2004 18:53

Gosh Spook, I have been quiet for a while, but really I've got to say that your ex-H sounds like a right prick who if you are not careful will try to royally screw you out of the money you and your boys are going to need to live comfortably in the future. You might hate me for this but my first thought whenever you talk about 'begging' him, is to say - please, have some Pride. Maybe I have too much for my own good. Maybe I even have enough to spare you some. It is time that you got AND stayed ruthless and angry.

Take careful aim to ensure that you end up with a nice settlement out of this whole horrible ordeal - and I mean more than 50/50. I reckon he is being manipulative and is trying to keep you sweet or at least confused till he has swindled and squirelled all your money away. OK I'll go back in my hole now ...

motherinferior · 19/04/2004 18:56

do not pick up the phone
do not pick up the phone
do not pick up the phone
do not pick up the phone
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

deegward · 19/04/2004 18:57

Spook,please don't phone him, he is such a bully, and I can't believe how he is acting re the money. ie burying head in sand, as he has done all along. I would frimly throw the ball into his court re your ds. Inform him of ds actions, and ask HIM what he is going to do about it. State you have a few ideas, but wonder what he as his father would like to suggest.

Sorry things are cr**, but you are doing so well.

Beccarollover · 19/04/2004 21:59

Oh honey, hon, hon, hon - so sorry your feeling so low again - what do you want to say to him? You know how it will make you feel afterwards - its like a sugar rush, as soon as it has passed you feel even worse than before

Try and resist if you can - shout and scream on here instead (and have a ciggie )

Becca
x

spook · 19/04/2004 22:16

I didn't.I'm going to bed.Another day over.Shit shit shit.
Thanks all of you.You know you're right!!!

deegward · 19/04/2004 22:18

Well done, spook. Still a sh* day I know, but as you have said, doing the non communication is the best in the long term. Well done again.

lolliepops · 19/04/2004 22:27

i have been folowing your thread, my heart goes out to you and your two boys. But you need to get tough now, you never thought this man who you adored so much would ever lie, cheat and deceive you and your boys,but he did.It wasnt even a one night stand it was continual lies, sounds harsh i know, but please you cant trust him over money. Especialy when his business is in trouble it sounds like he will go to all costs to save his business. I live in newcastle too (infact i am rebeccarollover's friend IRL!) and if i bump into this evil Barbie in the big market(i think she seems the type to drink there!)i will give her a good pasting!
PLEASE DONT CALL X

spook · 19/04/2004 22:32

Thanks everyone.Not in bed yet! Lolliepops everything you say is right.I know I can't trust him.It's just hard getting into that mindset after loving and trusting someone for 11 years. I will tell Beccarollover evil barbies name-then if you do ever come across her in a gutter you can give her a kick from me.
(that sounds awful doesn't it? Oh well-whatever.Give her two kicks)

deegward · 19/04/2004 22:35

We could get a lynch gang started up . My mate lives in Darlington, and they're well tough there.

lolliepops · 19/04/2004 22:43

i know its all too easy for me to sit hear dishing out advice, i just think after reading all your threads since this whole sorry mess started you have became so strong! i would just so love to see you grow even stronger, which you will in time then all i can say is watch out evil barbie and your h!

spook · 19/04/2004 22:51

One of my favourite past-times at the moment is thinking of the punishments I would like to dole out to evil barbie bitch.I'm not really a violent person but I have quite surpassed myself.there are also alot of public humiliation plans. I would SO LOVE to put her picture in the paper or something like that. Not nice I know but whatever gets you through the day....