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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook

480 replies

Janstar · 15/03/2004 09:34

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

OP posts:
mummytojames · 14/04/2004 23:49

hugs spook im sorry to here the way things are going but if possible you are doing the right thing buy putting the house on the market and giving you and the children a clean break oh and im glad you enjoyed the match who one

dottee · 15/04/2004 00:00

I'm pleased to hear you're in this 'sod you' frame of mind - it's all part of 'letting go'. Well done! And I want to know who won?

You're on the way up!

spook · 15/04/2004 00:34

Hi everyone.WE WON.My friend-whose wife I was there with scored the winning goal that got us through to the semi-final of the UEFA Cup! Anyway-because He felt hard done by because I was at the match and because of all the horrible things he's said to me and made it perfectly clear that he won't come home-I obviously didn't welcome him in with open arms.And I obviously wasn't overcome with emotion to see him when I got home after a top night. This is the text I just received..."Last night I was at the end of my tether and wanted to come home.I still feel after tonight that we'll just not get on.I know you can't help having digs at me and I don't blame you for it.I have no answers.My confidence is at an all time low.I will try to help you sort out the houses etc but I can't take the pressure at the moment."
For fucks sake.The man has known me for 11 years and he just doesn't get it does he????My defence meshanism has kicked in big time and I cannot be treated like shit anymore.If all he remembers of me are the last few months then he is even shallower than I thought.How else can I possibly behave after everything he's said to me???
He is feeling very very sorry for himself and I JUST DON"T CARE.I just don't want him dragging me down to his level and blaming me anymore.

mummytojames · 15/04/2004 00:39

sorry to here what he did spook but im nasty i would have to email or text him say thats nice and thats it

dottee · 15/04/2004 00:48

If he was wanting to come home, why on earth did he not have the balls to say something before you went out or when you got back. Was he trying to make you feel guilty for having a great time (I used to get this Spook).

You're doing the right thing!

spook · 15/04/2004 08:10

Because he didn't like my attitude Dottee.As I have pointed out to him on many occasions-my attitude would be entirely different if we had decided to save our marraige but we haven't.HE has decided not to bother so I will not play at the loving little wife.I will behave like the hurt,deceived,betrayed wife who just couldn't give a fuck anymore.

Original poster
Janstar · 15/04/2004 10:41

Quite right too. He can't expect all the perks of a loving devoted wife unless he is prepared to return the husbandly ones in equal measure. I feel sure that sticking to your guns about this is the only way he stands any chance of ever realising that.

Oh, Spook, you hang out with footballers' wives! How exciting! Maybe when you have finally had enough of h's shenanigans you will end up married to a Beckham type

OP posts:
Original poster
Janstar · 15/04/2004 10:43

Oooops, ahem,...that's assuming he is innocent of all the allegations.......

OP posts:
spook · 15/04/2004 10:52

Janstar-what did you think of his text? I reckon he just wanted to come home coz he's feeling sorry for hinself.Not through any love or repsect for me? But it could be a step in the right direction? What d'you think Oh Wise One??XXXX

Hulababy · 15/04/2004 10:55

Spook - not read all of this so didn't really know much about it on Tuesday. So sorry about everything and just to let you know I am thinking of you.

Your two ds are lovely boys and are very lucky to have a mum like you

Take care.

twiglett · 15/04/2004 10:55

message withdrawn

Original poster
Janstar · 15/04/2004 10:57

I think you're exactly right. Feeling sorry for himself without thought for you.

If I had been a complete a**e to my husband and family and wanted to be accepted back, I'd be humble and apologetic, and willing to go through whatever dh wanted me to to get back - counselling, promising never to see third party again, grovelling as much as I needed to.

What do you think you would be like if it were you? That might be a good standard to set him.

OP posts:
spook · 15/04/2004 11:00

Yes yes yes.Thankyou-you're all right.That's why I was so indignant to receive it.Cheeky fucker.It's still "me me me" (that's him him him IYKWIM !)
Anyway I'm off home to Manchester for the weekend.I shall studiously not call him atall. I promise!!!

Original poster
Janstar · 15/04/2004 11:05

Have a lovely weekend, lovely Spook

OP posts:
Twinkie · 15/04/2004 11:17

Sppok I feel like I always put my foot in it but think for him the time is coming when he maybe wants to come back because it is easier than what he will have to go through - no you, friends, boys, respect etc - not sure if he really wants to actually come back if you know what I mean or it is just the easiest option. (waffle waffle waffle IYKWIM!!)

Glad you are strong and powerful at the moment though - you soulnd like you are so in charge of your life.

Good on you girl!! XXX

sykes · 15/04/2004 12:06

Spook - Manchester? I'm from Stockport - was there for Easter - well, a village in the Peaks. My h is going bonkers. His gf had hte nerve to phone my house last night - h wsa trying to wrestle hte phone from her and lots of plates were smashed. She phoned about five times. I've told my h next time I'll call hte police - she's barking. And he is now DESPERATE to come home. I'm not surprised - she's psychotic. I have told him his relationship with her is NOTHING to do with me. Sorry to interupt your thread - just thought you might be interested in how things change. He's very sad and lonely and desperate to get out of this nutter's life.

Thomcat · 15/04/2004 12:25

Go on Spook !!!

Blu · 15/04/2004 12:31

Woza, Spook!

I think the text shows that your h is still v f**d up and in a crisis. But not being able to face his life goes hand in hand with not being able to accept the reality/responsibility for what he has done to you.

I think you're doing brilliantly looking after yourself, keep all that positive energy for your own strength, and don't waste any on bitchy responses or 'retaliations' to him. He probably IS at the end of his (self-made) tether, but you can do no good to either of you by getting involved with his feelings.

Do you think your anger is affecting your son? By focussing entirely on being strong as a Mum (and on the individual woman you are), and not get diverted into reactions to h, there might be less of a struggle for DS?

Sykes: Blimey!

deegward · 15/04/2004 22:31

Spook, enjoy your weekend, and I am glad that you are alright, I was so worried about you. You do seem to have moved up a gear, and you are doing such the right things. As everyone has said, the more you back off, and become stronger, the more he will want to be part of your life, as that is what attracted him in the first place. At least anything that happens now can be YOUR choice, and when you want it to happen.

Go Spook, and Skyes I just laughed when I read your post

merrygoround · 16/04/2004 22:36

Spook

You said earlier that you could not believe that you could have given anyone courage - and look at you now. I read your first post weeks ago and could almost feel your pain. Knowing that you were sharing it and surviving, however miserably, was what kick started me. I had known for a long time that if I was to change my situation I was bound to suffer en route, but because of you I knew I'd not be alone. I am so impressed by your strength of character. Keep strong, and a big hug. PS How is your ds? I have an idea that as you become stronger he may feel more secure, and better able to handle his own feelings of loss?

spook · 17/04/2004 17:46

Hi everyone.Thanks for all your messages.Merrygoround-onwards and upwards eh! We've come back from Manc early.Just felt like being at home you know? Am my eldest was violently sick all night but he's fine today.Little strong bodies eh?
I opened my post and there's a letter from our personal banker ..."further to your phone call (WHAT phone call??) I have sold off 7 grands worth of you shares"!!!!!!! Uh-oh.Looks like things are stepping up a gear. Nothing has been said to me about cashing things in. It needs 2 signatures so what I have decided to do is put it away and wait and see if he mentions it.I am so sick of being the one on the attack and of show-downs.There's nothing he can do without my say so.Bit of a shock though to say the least.
You will all be proud of me to hear I haven't been in contact other than replying to one text yesteray morning asking if we got there OK. My son called him this morning in response to a text from him but I didn't talk to him. And you know what???IT FEELS GOOD. I am desperately trying tpo think how he can see the boys tomorrow without seeing me.
Ofcourse I still stared at my phone all weekend and still feel like someone has ripped my outsides out but it's definately not as bad as it was.
And I had withdrawal symptoms from you lot.Was so pleased to see massages when I got in.
Sykes-what can I say? What do you feel?
Twinkie-you're not putting your foot in it honey.Everything you say is true

spook · 17/04/2004 17:46

That's "messages" not "massages" though would be very pleased to see one of them when I got in.

spook · 18/04/2004 09:32

I'm sure you are right Blu and Merrygoround.Maybe my behaviour is affecting my son but I am just about at the end of my rope with him.From the minute he gets up to the minute he goes to sleep he is just bloody nasty.Any manners that he may have learned are out the window,he is fighting constantly with his brother and he very rarely appears to enjoy life. It is like walking on egg shells wiating for the next battle. He was bloody rude to my dad and step-mum and regards me like some troublesome pain in the arse who exists merely to reprimand him.
I understand the anger and the tantrums and the telling me he hates me-that is his outlet for pain.What I cannot abide is the constant rudeness and screaming at his brother who is 4 and just taking an interest in the world around him.
He's sat doing his homework now and I am waiting for the eruption from the kitchen any minute.
Hiis father is absolutely no good-has said very little to him and-lets be honest-probably doesn't get it like I get it.Weekend dads do exciting things (well visit their fucking mothers and the pictures)Not constant day to day care and homework and nurturing.I am almost at the point of handing him over and saying "you deal with this fall-out" but ofcourse I never would. I am also concerned that he may have ammunition against me for not being able to cope/being a bad mother etc.
I'm sure things will calm when they get back to school on Tuesday.But then there's the rest of his troubled little life to deal with.
Aaaggghhh.

merrygoround · 18/04/2004 14:02

Hi Spook

Have no experience to offer - but am sure someone else will. Agree in principle that your ds still has to abide by basic rules of behaviour - not sure in practice how that works though. I saw a book called "I can handle it" which is about positive affirmations for children. I know, it sounds awful, but I think the idea is to give children the confidence to know that they can handle difficult things that happen in their lives. Some of the examples in the book are a bit mild, but the principle is the same no matter what. So if your ds1 can learn that he can handle his emotions, then that would be a huge step for him. Is he able to express his feelings? Or is it all rage? If he can express his feelings then perhaps you and he could talk about ways he could handle them that don't involve bashing his brother or you...

Sorry if this is no help. I really feel for you, as I can see that you can't accept what he is doing, and you have all your own feelings to cope with, and yet I guess you feel for him so badly too.

spook · 18/04/2004 20:12

Aagghh.Now they fighting over what wins more-heads or tails. It's just constant yelling at each other.H told ds1 today that it's perfectly normal for parents to split.That's why he's got so many grandparents.I think you'll find most of those marraiges lasted longer than children of 4 and 7.Fucking tosser.Sorry but I am so angry with him now.The longer we live these totally separate lives-no pointless communication- the easier it is for me. Being on my own is starting to feel like the norm now rather than something's missing.Good job-better bloody get used to it I suppose!