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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook

480 replies

Janstar · 15/03/2004 09:34

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

OP posts:
wintye · 26/04/2004 23:09

Hi spook. I know it's really late and you probably won't get this until 27/4 but I was just wondering how you and the boys are.

Thinking of you and hoping that things will get better for you soon.

xx

spook · 27/04/2004 04:25

Hi Wintye.Hi everyone.Me and the boys are muddling through thanks.My eldest has now started to suffer at school.He is a very bright boy and his school work has taken a dive.He has his SATS in 2 weeks. I phoned my ex up in tears yesterday morning because his teacher had a word and he said "and what am I supposed to do with this information at 8.30 in the morning?"
Blinkered,blind,full of his own guilt and his own affair. He will not contemplate any form of reconciliation.Same old shite really! But thanks for thinking of me-all of you. XXXXXX

Blu · 27/04/2004 17:05

4.25 a.m, Spook?
Sorry about your little boy. Do you think there IS a way ex can help? Would it help if he spent some time with him...not staying with him, but one to one time so that his Dad can tell him that he does love him and he will always love him, etc? And that Mummy is angry with him (Dad) not DS?
Are you eating and looking after yourself, Spook? It takes a lot of energy to get through this sort of thing.

numb · 29/04/2004 16:14

spook are you ok? have been thinking of you alot. i am pleased with myself as this is the first day i havn't cried for 5 days

Blu · 29/04/2004 16:41

Oh Numb - That's good. I was wondering about you too.
Now for tomorrow. Whatchya got planned?

spook · 29/04/2004 16:48

Hi Numb.Well done honey!A no tears day! Wish I could boast the same-unfortunately not.My main concern now is my boys.My 4 year old has suddenly started showing real signs of distress now-very different to the 7 year olds but no less upsetting.As for me-I'm getting by.Every day seems to bring a fresh pain-but it is getting slightly softer round the edges. Time time time.
I saw a Family Mediator yesterday and she gave me some valuable insights into the boys pain and I am seeing a counsellor tomorrow for the first time.Can't do it by myself anymore.Have finally succumbed to pressure and made apoointment.
Hi Blu. Am eating a bit more but sleeping is not easy. Seems to me like sleep is valuable smoking and staring into space time wasted.
Am still totally befuddled by the futility and unneccesaryness(what a word!) of the situation.Haven't asked him back for 5 days though.GOOD GIRL.
Keep yer chin up and yer tear ducts dry Numb!!

Blu · 29/04/2004 17:14

Spook, the counselling sounds like a really good move. I really really hope it helps you a little, and this thing is HUGE. You, the boys - how could anyone expect to do it by themselves?
Sometimes I wish that all the pain that some people are feeling could be parcelled out like a patchwork quilt, and shared in manageable pocket-sized proportions, and then put back together again.
I'm sure lots of MN-ers would take a square from you and Numb.

Original poster
Janstar · 29/04/2004 17:18

blu, you are waxing very lyrical today! Of course I would take a square.

Spook, sleeping pills are not such a bad idea in the short term, just to break the cycle and get you in the habit of sleeping again. That's what they are for.

OP posts:
ponygirl · 29/04/2004 17:51

Spook and Numb, I too would happily take a few squares for you. You're both doing so well, it's stupid, but I feel so PROUD of you both. Please be proud of yourselves do. You should do. Love Ponygirl

spook · 29/04/2004 18:38

Oh Blu.What a lovely thing to say.But I wouldn't wish even a fraction of this on anybody. I sometimes feel like I've been skinned alive. I am twitchy tonight. My 4 year old has pooed his pants 6 times in 2 days, and I took him to an activity that he begged me to do this afternoon at the expense of my other son's fencing class and alot of time and he hid behind a chair and wouldn't even attempt to join in.
And HE is going away on Sunday and he has lied AGAIN. I asked if he would like the boys on a sleepover on Sat night to see them properly. Quite a big step in the access stakes. But no.He has to get ready to go away.He's going for 3 days at 3.30PM on Sunday!!How much fucking preparation does he need!!!! He is seeing her-I could hear that horrible lying voice that I am now so familiar with- and putting her before his children.All this bullshit about his boys coming first.This week he has yelled at me for going to family mediation and "screwing up" his 7 year old (what has screwed my 7 year old up???His father leaving him) told me I am "melodramatic" about the what the children are going through,and told me the prospect of coming home makes him feel ill.
What a charmer he has become.

dottee · 29/04/2004 22:13

Oh Spook - what a fing w**r!

Just read his reaction to you going to mediation and putting your sons first and slammed down my mug of coffee in disgust (if I lived nearer, I could just go round to him and slap him one!). You are being so dignified and I can't put in words how frustrated I feel for you and how sorry I feel for the boys. Aaarrrrgh! Please excuse me if this isn't coming out right - I'm livid on your behalf.

Hugs and lots of love to all three of you. (What comes around, goes around; or is it goes around, comes around? The boys aren't naive as he thinks and it'll be payback one day.)

spook · 29/04/2004 22:33

Oh God Dottee-I hope so.I think the truth of the matter is he knows what he's doing to our children and as with everything in this whole sorry affair cannot face up to anything because of his guilt.When I was describing the absolute desperation of my 4 year old to be told I love him again and again-he just said "I can't listen to this.I feel sick"Just one little decision and he could start putting everything back together again and try and fix some of what he has so spectacularly broken.But no. He can't do it. Please please fast forward me to the day when I just couldn't give a shit anymore.
He MUSt in his heart of hearts know that I am just trying to get the three of us through as best I can and try and ease some of the boys pain. Will he ever get to a point when he doesn't think that everything I do is wrong??

spook · 29/04/2004 22:40

Oh and Ponygirl.Thanks for being proud of me.I feel I have absolutely nothing to be proud of tonight. My 4 year old has tested me severly today and all he wants is love and assurances. I was trying to explain to him today how much I loved him and how I would never leave him and he asked when daddy was coming home from his apartment. I had to be honest and say probably never and he said "Does that mean I haven't got a daddy anymore?" Omigod.What a little mite. If I could just scoop them both up in my arms and whisk them away from all this hurt I would. Although when you're changing the 4th pair of shitty pants in one day you are tempted just to scoop yourself up!!
But THANKYOU for your kind words. And I absolutely love your name. For some reason it makes me think of girls comics and cocoa.

numb · 29/04/2004 22:45

spook our day WILL come they just can't cause us this much pain and get away with it. one day you and i will be posting each other and looking back on the way things once were, wether we end up with them or without them. it is like a horrible waiting game and i know exactly what you mean about wanting to fast forward, i know the grieving has to take time but i want it to be over NOW

spook · 29/04/2004 22:50

Hi Numb. Our day WILL come. I like that. We didn't do anything to deserve this did we? Surely something good and lovely and choclatey and happy will happen to us one day soon.Can't imagine what but I just hang on in there as I'm sure you do waiting for that day-he either comes home or I don't give a shit.Whichever comes first. (I suspect it will be the latter unfortunately) Keep posting brave girl XXXX

merrygoround · 29/04/2004 22:52

I don't know how you are managing to keep going Spook, you are doing so well. I hope the counselling gives you support and strength - seems like your feeble h should have it as compulsory. A big big hug in support - your spirit never fails to inspire me.

spook · 29/04/2004 22:58

I know exactly how I am managing to keep going Merrygoround.I have no choice.As gorgeous Janstar has said many times the children have saved my life.I most definately wouldn't be here now I don't think. Thankyou for looking out for me.XXXXX

Original poster
Janstar · 30/04/2004 10:45

Hi ! Spook, your h is helping to fast forward you to the time when you do not give a shit any more with this vile attitude. He has to focus it all on you, because the alternative is having a good look at himself and he can't face that.

'Never do anything that is going to make you feel ashamed' is my motto for life. I've failed many times, but this mantra has also prevented me from doing many stupid things that I would have regretted. Until you dh can do this he will have to focus elsewhere as looking at himself will be too painful to bear.

OP posts:
spook · 30/04/2004 14:43

Hi Janstar.Do you think going round to my husbands flat tomorrow night and putting a huge scratch down the side of her car will make me feel ashamed? I reckon I might just get away with that one!!

aloha · 30/04/2004 15:13

Guilt usually makes people behave in the most vile way. He knows he is absolutely in the wrong so tries to dump it all on you. It is utterly pathetic. Your four year old sounds more mature. MInd you, if it makes you fall out of love with him faster he could be doing you a favour . Poor you and poor your boys. Thank God they have you.

Blu · 30/04/2004 16:19

Oh Spook, how horrible, and how f***g predicatable. Predicatable, I mean, that the more responsibility he has to face (or not!) the sicker he feels. That's him throughout this whole sorry tale.
I'm just sorry that he will not help with the boys. It is SHOCKING that he will not have them at the w/e.

Don't do the car thing - but spend your time fantasising much worse!

I agree with Janstar, if sleeping tablets help for a while, use them, you are doing so well, and there's no harm in using any kind of help to get you from one moment to the next. Hold tight, you're doing so well, keeping your boys so close.
Hugs.

dottee · 01/05/2004 00:38

hiya spook

Can't say much but thinking about you lots.
(have had a few wines tonight).

My doc put me on sleepers - they're not so bad.

Make sure you look after yourself ... and then you can look after your boys.

Lots of love

dottee · 01/05/2004 00:39

That is .. when we split up .. doc put me on sleepers.

I'm not on them now!!!!

spook · 01/05/2004 02:25

Hi Dottee,hi Janstar,Hi Blu.In response to sleeping tablets (God I'm pissed.Been out with new group of friends.My face is aching from laughing) I aam not against then atall.Juat worry that I ahve boys and I need to be here for them 24/7. I wouldn't want to be too drowsy to help them if they needed me.But I certainly am open to the idea of them-completely.
Think it's time for another tab now-have only had 36 million tonight after all. XXXXX

spook · 01/05/2004 02:27

Just realised how ironic it is to post message about concerns over sleeping tablets when completely pissed. Though do have mother here-probably why I felt the need to get completelu pissed...