Post dh affair: More shit to come?

[holdtight]

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

This caused her a lot more pain, and made the mountain higher and steeper that I will be climbing for a long time to come.

Ah, you poor wee thing, I do feel for you. Hope you get triumphantly to the top soon though

I think that you need to talk to him and tell him that there are no more chances he must come completely clean, be 100% loyal to you, or he must leave.

Yeah, she's been there, done that though hasn't she.

Matelot does your wife know that you still care for the OW or do you keep that secret from her too?

Honesty my arse.

What's the point in her giving him one last chance to be truthful and make amends? She's already done that and he's chosen not to. What do people think has changed since then? If he had wanted to be truthful and make amends he would have done it the first time.

I dont know how any woman (or man) could be with someone who has feelings for another person. It just shouldnt happen. Its like marrying someone who you know still pines for the one who got away, or the person they can never get over.

Jeez. Cant people see they're better thsn that.

mate thank you for posting. It is interesting to hear it from the cheats perspective. I do still feel however that if there were problems in your marriage you could have chosen to discuss those before you embarked on your affair. It justifies nothing I'm afraid. As I said to my XH I hope he never feels one tiny percent of the pain he put me through. I don't get the impression you even begin to understand how your DW must be feeling right now.

Any grown man who puts little sad faces on emails ought to be dumped as a matter of principle.

And the fact that he put said little sad faces on emails to his exshag is even worse. Sorry but the bloke sounds pathetic IMO. I think the word 'can't' sums things up. He is making it very clear that he wants to.

I don't get it either caitlyn

I don't get how people can rationlise it through their hurt. I don't get how they can give leeway for the fact that their cheating partner may still have feelings, can't just switch them off, have to let them grieve for their lost relationship........

I was obviously not in the queue when they were giving out sainthoods.

Signing off 'I miss you' must be like a knife in your heart. I'm so sorry for you op.

I can't think of one single man that walks this earth that is worth all this pain and betrayal.

I can think of a boy -my ds- but no man.

It always makes me chuckle how a cheat justifies cheating on their spouse and uses the 'problems' to fall over their cock into another woman's vadge. Talking is so passé.

Good dose of being sat in a bedsit eating beans on your lonesome might focus you on what a twat your being.

I know I've said it before but I'm still perplexed at the idea that he is putting the OW's feelings before the OP's. He is really, really not. The ONLY reason you write 'I miss you' to someone is to elicit an emotional reaction and it is not done to salve or soothe someone who is hurting.

Imagine what happens if you write to someone you are pining for begging to meet up and they don't reply. For a day. Then two days. Then a week. After a week what do you think happens? You begin to harden, you begin to think 'fuck this for a game of cricket', you begin to imagine them happy and fulfilled and ignoring you and a terribly useful emotion starts to bubble up; anger. The sort of strengthening, scary, self-supporting anger that our OP could really do with right now. You begin to detach from that person and recognize your reliance on them as unhealthy and damaging and holding you back. You start to flirt with other people, you find they like you, you realize they're unattached, available and kind. And boom! You're on the way to a real proper life.

Now imagine you get an email back the next day that says 'I miss you' with a sad little face. How do you feel? What do you think?

ONLY SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT HAVE ANY EMPATHY OR UNDERSTANDING OF PSYCHOLOGY THINGS PROLONGING CONTACT IS A KIND THING TO DO IF THIS IS REALLY OVER. I can't stress this enough. It is either a manipulative way to keep control over her, even if he does not realize this consciously, OR it is a way of preserving IN HIS HEAD a view of himself as 'a good man' because he (wrongly) thinks cutting all contact is a bit brutal. NEITHER of these have anything to do with what is kind towards the OW and certainly not the DW.

There.
Glad to get that out of my system.

Tess6 - this is why I say its HIMSELF he's thinking of when he sent those emails.

"And it's all pointless because the cheater's behaviour is a result of his choices."

Of course. But IF the OP wants to attempt to continue the marriage she needs an idea of the route to take. If she doesn't want then no need for any advice other than telling him to take the high road.

" It is either a manipulative way to keep control over her, even if he does not realize this consciously, OR it is a way of preserving IN HIS HEAD a view of himself as 'a good man' because he (wrongly) thinks cutting all contact is a bit brutal."

Yes. He wants to still be a good man. It was one of H's greatest concerns that he was no longer a 'good man'. And he didn't want to hurt OW because that was not the action of a good man . But the only way, the ONLY way to attempt to be a good man again is to take the steps neccessary to cut off the OW once and for all and if she still cares about him yes, that will hurt her. Or to cut off his wife and be straight with her. Doing this gently is only going to be worse - like trying to stab someone to death gradually. Quick and decisive is better.

Orm But IF the OP wants to attempt to continue the marriage she needs an idea of the route to take.

Good point. So what do you advise she do?

There's nothing 'good' about a man who has been sending numerous emails over the last four months since he was found out.

"He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC."

For me, it seems as though he thinks he can do and get away with what he likes. All he has to do is say, I'm sorry and cry a bit, and everything is fine. All is forgiven.

His actions don't suggest he is worried about losing his marriage at all. He thinks you'll swallow this like you swallowed his (however long - you don't really know) affair.

I think OP husband is applying the 'creaky gate' method. OP is pliable, seemingly forgiving and needs no attention (as far as he is concerned). OW has been left 'bereft' (after all, she has lost a marvellous man) and needs comforting.

Also, it's just far more comfortable to spend time and thoughts on someone who openly adores you rather than a 'sulky', silently accusing spouse. Essentially the move-towards-pleasure, move-away-from-pain scenario.

There's absolutely no motivation for him to mend his marriage and I don't believe it has anything to do with being a 'good man'. He's doing exactly what he wants to do.

x-posted with JohnFarley

Sorry, but I actually gave a hollow laugh at the notion of them having to see themselves as 'good men'

What? Sticking your wick somewhere it shouldn't be and destroying your dw in the process, was always the actions of a 'good man' but suddenly dumping the ow casts you into the bad man category. It really is quite ludicrous logic by the cheater!!!!

I would suggest they already know they can't fool their dw's that they are good men, but they are more concerned for their perceived social status than ANYTHING else. It's probably not even out of concern for the ow at all.

it's just far more comfortable to spend time and thoughts on someone who openly adores you rather than a 'sulky', silently accusing spouse. Essentially the move-towards-pleasure, move -away-from-pain scenario

Absolutely this. Breathtakingly selfish.

PTFswife

Your post about monitoring your husbands emails like he is a child is the most depressing thing I've ever read on MN. Pitiful.

OP tell him to get out FGS. Get a grip.

Matelot bad enough when it's been an emotional affair, but to know your H is still buzzing round OW after a physical affair when you're supposedly both trying to fix the marriage must be another kick in the teeth. Is your DW going to have to actively police you the rest of her days or will you acknowledge that she is struggling too? Honesty, plain speaking - it's just words when one person parrots what he thinks the other wants to hear, but never abides by it. At some point she might have an epiphany and figure out she doesn't actually want or need you in her life.

Ivehearditallnow

Agree with every word of your post BUT I'm not post-discovery of an affair. Your words are like knock-out blows... I'm torn between nodding and pleading for clemency for the women who are already reeling...

Nope. Life's too short. Get a grip and move on.
Easy.

Saint Matealot and his Divorce is hugely damaging to everyone (and children especially) needs to give himself a hard look in the mirror too. Cheating and people-putting-up-with-cheating is 100% more damaging than two grown ups deciding to have the guts to end a marriage that's destructive.

PS I take that back - it (of course) isn't 'easy'.
It's easier to get to sleep at night when you're not wondering what your husband is emailing, and to who, though. True story.

Good luck OP you sound like you deserve a holiday from this shit situation and some breathing space.

Matealot the thought of your poor DW having to sit in counselling with you as though you are a child who has accidentally kicked a football through a neighbours window or pushed another kid over in the sandpit is laughable. Really hope she kicks you out and leaves you at 'base camp' where you belong. Pig.

So sorry this is happening to you OP. How are you doing today?

You must recognise that during those 6 months (or however long) of 'official' affair time there would have been gaps in communication. They weren't literally having sex non-stop for 6 months.

The vast majority of affairs are spent not having sex. Yet it is still clear that even when sex isn't happening at that very moment in time, the affair is continuing to take place.

The gaps between sex aren't gaps in an affair (iyswim).

By not going NC, how have things really changed for your DH? This is effectively just another lull in sexual contact (whether he intends it to be taken this way or not). And this will be the case while he remains in contact with the OW regardless of whether anything physical happens.

I wish you all the best and hope you can find support irl as well as with MN.

Ivehearditallnow refreshingly candid description - except that pigs are supposedly very intelligent animals.

Op - there must be NO CONTACT - otherwise your husband's head is still wedged firmly up his nether end. I don't give a tinker's cuss for the feelings of the ow - what did she think was going to happen? Anyway, she hardly needs comfort from a man in such a .. position. These things are tediously predictable. Your needs, op, as an entirely innocent party, are FAR more pressing.

No one can or should tell you whether you should go or stay, but seriously do not let him stuff himself with cake, you will have to take away the supply at your end. A visit to a lawyer (free half hour consultation) is bracing and will remind you that you too have rights - to live with another adult if nothing else. You do not have to follow through. I did this, and haven't needed to pursue a divorce (at this date, ha) but I secured the best family law firm in the county and it made me feel safer and more confident that if the worst happened, I would be OK. And our dcs too.

There is really nothing you can do if he won't stop, you cannot control another person. But you can decide on your own actions and what you will tolerate. No contact is the absolute minimum. But cheaters lie, as you're seeing now, and you cannot police him forever. It may the toughest situation you've ever had to face, I really feel for you. Surround yourself with good friends, time to weed out anyone toxic. Ask for support.

And remember this is NOT YOUR FAULT, these are his choices. Affairs are highly addictive and make idiots of the participants. You're a bystander and though it feels like shit atm, you still have your wits about you.

There is a thing called the 180 - here's a post: beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

I like where she says: 'It’s about not getting sucked into unnecessary drama.' Exhausting for you to have to put up with this nonsense. I don't know what people think of the 180, mumsnetters might believe it's manipulative or demeaning or that black bin liners full of his clothes on the front lawn and a change of locks is a better bet. You certainly have every right to be extremely angry op. There is no justification for him treating you in this way. At the very least, he has to STOP LYING.

Good luck :)

matelot you mentioned that the Ops husband " does not sounds like the type to stray " . I was wondering how I can spot the type of man who will stray?

And how can I tell the difference between a man who is the type to stray and some one ( like you and the OPs husband ) who is not the type to stray but does?

Thanks. It's so good of you to pop in here and give us the benefit of your wisdom