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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Post dh affair: More shit to come?

302 replies

holdtight · 17/03/2014 20:41

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 18/03/2014 21:43

Well if you really intend on carrying on this marriage with this man who lies to your face, contacts his lover while pretending he is working on his marriage then I would suggest not confronting him.

There is no point confronting him if he has no consequences. You will be giving him carte Blanche to screw you over and over again and again.

waltermittymissus · 18/03/2014 21:46

He opened up all his communications to me so I could monitor them

Some people would, I think, despair of a life where they had to monitor all their spouses' communication like a helicopter parent.

It sounds like a terribly sad way to live.

AnyFucker · 18/03/2014 21:47

Good luck, OP. I sincerely wish you well and that you get the best outcome for you x

CurtWild · 18/03/2014 21:48

holdtight It's hard, I know, I and many more on your thread have been where you are now. Will you continue to move your own goalposts? What's your cut off point for what you'll accept? How, after so much lying on his part, can you ever believe what's truth and what's a lie?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/03/2014 21:50

Sorry OP but you do NOT know the facts because he's lying to you - still. It is some time after the affair 'ended' so it's not a knee-jerk reaction, it's considered. Think about that. He ended it, in front of you, and still maintains contact instead of silence. That's not a knee-jerk, he's a jerk and he's making you complicit because you know he's lying to you and you're 'taking it'. He now has licence to keep going because your 'threats' are empty.

I can't see a good outcome for you other than one that will ultimately hurt you, ie. he gets his thoughts in place, quietly decides what HE wants, and leaves you when it suits him best.

I'm so sorry, holdtight, it must be horrendous to read these posts but as a wise poster said earlier, support doesn't mean telling you what you want to hear. Please run your scenario past a real life friend you can trust and see if your tolerance 'radar' needs an urgent re-set.

PTFswife · 18/03/2014 21:51

Waltermittymissus - yes it is sad. But for someone who has lived through an affair it is needed. Short term at least.

Frankly, having your husband have an affair is sad. But it doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage if he is committed to repairing what he has done.

MyPrettyToes · 18/03/2014 21:55

There is no point confronting him if he has no consequences. You will be giving him carte Blanche to screw you over and over again and again.

...he's making you complicit because you know he's lying to you and you're 'taking it'.

JohnFarleys and Lyingwitch respectively have hit the nail on the head.

waltermittymissus · 18/03/2014 21:56

But it doesn't necessarily mean the end of a marriage if he is committed to repairing what he has done

Perhaps not. I don't think secretly maintaining contact with your mistress is committing to repairing what you've done personally.

PTFswife · 18/03/2014 22:00

You seem quite determined to find fault with what I type Waltermittmissus - I never said that the OP's husband was committed to making their marriage work, I was commenting on my own husband and his commitment to our marriage. I completely agree that if the OPs husband isn't willing to not only cut all contact with this woman and from hereon in be completely and absolutely open and honest with his wife (with a good measure of begging of forgiveness thrown in), then no, he is not committed to his marriage.

waltermittymissus · 18/03/2014 22:05

No, I'm not PTF.

I was taking your point and applying it to OP's situation, hoping to highlight that where your dh did cut contact and give you full disclosure, hers most certainly hasn't!

wannabestressfree · 18/03/2014 22:34

I think what is saddest thing is how little you are valuing your own emotions. A natural response to what you have found would be anger and a demand for honesty. You seem frightened of what he might say or do - would he leave then if he felt cornered? You wouldn't still have your 'prize'. I would be asking him outright if he has had contact. There is no reason why he should have done. And if he lies again to your face he is making a mockery of all you hold dear and the work you have put in.....

This will not end well I am sorry

Fairenuff · 18/03/2014 22:35

If I thought giving it another go was going to be plain sailing then I wouldn't have agreed to it.

You might have agreed to give it another go, OP, but he hasn't. All this 'work' you have been doing on repairing your relationship has just been a waste of time.

You are back where you started except it's even worse now because he has looked you in the face and lied outright to you.

He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout

he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a Sad

He's a bloody good actor then.

Matelot · 19/03/2014 06:22

Dear Holdtight

This is my first post on MN, which I am doing to try to help a little perhaps by giving you a slightly different perspective on what you are going through, even though this may provoke a barrage of MN comment, as I am in a very similar position to your DH.

I am extraordinarily lucky that my DW has stuck with me, despite my having had an affair last autumn. Having seen the results of this over the 3 months since she found out just before Xmas, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you, with a second huge blow when you found out that he has not been honest on NC. I make no excuses for any affairs starting, but offer information that I hope will help you to decide what to do next.

Firstly, my own experience is that honesty and truth are the only foundations on which you can rebuild your relationship. Some of the other posters have said the same, and it sounds like he still cares for the OW (as I do), but that he is trying to keep you both happy with all the deceit that involves. That does not mean that your relationship is on the rocks, but he must stop the lying if you are to succeed together. Once in a pattern of little lies, it is shockingly hard to avoid more I know this from experience, as I did not maintain NC, and broke my oath to my DW in doing so. This caused her a lot more pain, and made the mountain higher and steeper that I will be climbing for a long time to come. I think that you need to talk to him and tell him that there are no more chances he must come completely clean, be 100% loyal to you, or he must leave.

Secondly, (and as you have no doubt already started), you have got to get to the bottom of why he started the affair. It sounds trite, but if you were both totally happy, then he does not sound like the type to stray (I certainly wasnt). The honesty part of this is again the key; my DW and I discovered that there were all sorts of problems and half-truths that we not revealed in over 20 years of knowing each other. In order to make your marriage work, you have to address the underlying problem(s), whatever they might be. Relate might help here, and just talking about everything evisceratingly honestly will be painful to start with, but it certainly has helped mw DW and I to understand each other much better. It takes time to change patterns of behaviour and he must also be honest with you if/when he is struggling. I thought that I could manage this overnight, but it is still work in progress.

I hope that you succeed and that he understands just how lucky he is to have you still there perhaps he should read this thread to understand things better? Divorce is hugely damaging to everyone (and children especially) so my thoughts are with you both good luck.

Logg1e · 19/03/2014 06:42

I am so pleased that you had the courage to post that. Until just now I had no clue how shockingly hard it is for the "cheating" partner when their affair comes to light. I'd never realised that the lies had to continue only because the cheater was so full of care and concern.

And how so very true, people only cheat because they are unhappy and there's no other option available but to shag someone else.

We could with a Cheating Fuck support charity to support you in the difficulty of rebuilding trust whilst having to still lie. Because you are so full of the love.

ormirian · 19/03/2014 06:51

I don't think this was meant to keep the affair going. I imagine like a lot of people he felt bad about how it ended and genuinely was concerned about her. He convinced himself it was the decent thing to do. Problem with that is:

  1. Too easy for some sort of affair to start back up again.
  2. Keeping the wound open instead of letting it heal.
  3. He has to be willing to hurt his OW by cutting her off abruptly. You need to see that his concern for you overrides his concern for her. It's essential to get back any trust. Sounds cruel but IMO it's true.

Don't fanny about. Tell him what you've found. Make him leave. Tell him that whatever he did to mend things has been a waste of time and that if you allow him the privilege of another shot it will be on your terms and on your timescale (and your terms will include a proper coldly polite and decisive NC letter followed by totally 100% verifiable NC.

Logg1e · 19/03/2014 06:54

But they've had all if that orm. And more. But he was lying.

ormirian · 19/03/2014 06:56

They've had all what?

ormirian · 19/03/2014 07:07

Hi matelot, I must admit if I were your wife I'd be seriously upset at

  1. Breaking NC
  2. Being in MC exploring all your joint faults and failings just 3 months after d-day. At that stage I was still bleeding profusely and I didn't want to be told it was my fault too! No marriage is perfect but an affair trumps everything. We did MC after 7 months after I had had IC to help rebuild my shattered self-esteem.
AnyFucker · 19/03/2014 07:15

Matelot, you are right about one thing. You are really fucking lucky.

Lizzabadger · 19/03/2014 07:20

Don't be a mug.

Lizzabadger · 19/03/2014 07:22

Know a lot about honesty and truth do you Matelot ?

Logg1e · 19/03/2014 07:41

orm ^They've had all what?"

No fannying about, telling him that she knows, this is the last chance, they need to be 100% truthful, he needs to commit to the relationship, no more lying, tell the OW it's completely over, go no contact etc etc.

ormirian · 19/03/2014 07:52

He didn't leave. There is no mention of a NC letter.

Logg1e · 19/03/2014 07:58

But the problem with being that specific orm is it becomes the OP's responsibility and she starts jumping through ridiculous hoops.

What? He only left for a few hours? You should have made it days.

What? He only told the OW categorically it was over in a phone call in front of you? You should have made him write a letter.

And it's all pointless because the cheater's behaviour is a result of his choices.

Logg1e · 19/03/2014 07:59

Also, it's frustrating when new revelations come out and posters advice, "look, sit him down and get the absolute truth out of him" as if that hadn't already occurred to the betrayed party and during the last conversation she'd said, "Right, only tell me some of the truth, promise to not contact her, but then do so anyway".