Post dh affair: More shit to come?

[holdtight]

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

saferniche yes you're right - apologies to all pigs who might be reading (oink). I'll not eat sausages or bacon for a month as a mark of respect

KristinaM I know you know this - I saw that wry raised eyebrow - but there is no type, there are poor coping skills at the inevitable vicissitudes of life and marriage, uneasy boundaries, opportunity, entitlement and the need for attention especially at mid-life when screwing someone different is far easier than say, climbing a mountain for charity or joining Médecins Sans Frontières or something else thrilling and life-enhancing that does not involve lying and sneaking about like a sulky teenager. Risking life and limb and hoping to save others, possibly, rather than risking the future happiness of your children and your own reputation as a decent human being.

If a person wants to improve their union or get a divorce, 'Use your words,' as they say to toddlers at Montessori school. In the 21st century in a democracy no one can force anyone to stay married if they want out. Nor does dissatisfaction with the state of your marriage (of which you are expected to be 50%) force you to venture outside for the little adventures you so deserve. Being in an equal relationship means not deceiving your partner, it means giving them a choice; by letting them know when you've invited a third person to join the party. Illicit sex, says the senator in 'House of Cards', is not about sex - it's about power.

To most decent people who have affairs it only seems like they have control, which is why partners like the op have to take that control into their own hands and break the spell.

I didn't mean to aim this at anyone in particular, especially as I know it's not news to most of y'all, but I hope the op's dh can pull himself together in time.

Ivehearditallnow it is Lent, I guess ;)

Divorce is hugely damaging to everyone (and children especially)

It has to be said that, if you believe this, why risk it happening in the first place?

Making this statement after the affair has been discovered is just emotional blackmail. Using the children. Very low indeed.

Lower than a snake's belly, in fact. Did the adulterer not understand that "divorce is hugely damaging to everyone (especially children)" before his cock entered a woman other than his wife ? What mealy mouthed bollocks.

Maybe Saint Matealot (and he does, mate a lot! ;-p) can chuckle with the kids around the fire one Christmas about the good old days when he used to shag about and Mumsy forgave him. That's the stuff good memories are made of...

lower than a snake's belly - ha, so true.

No disrespect to snakes, or pigs...

PTFswife Your post about monitoring your husbands emails like he is a child is the most depressing thing I've ever read on MN. Pitiful.

Ivehearditall - thank you for calling me pitiful. How kind.

After all, it wasn't me who had an affair. I was willing to accept that my husband made a massive mistake. He is working very hard to rebuild our marriage. I think anyone who has been cheated on will take a while to rebuild trust. If that means checking on emails occasionally, then I'll accept that people like you think I am pitiful.

I know that my children are currently living in a home with both parents, where incidentally, the parents are communicating better than they have for years and where it is amazingly a happy environment. Contrast that to me living alone with my children being shuttled between two parents, taken out of their current school away from their friends because we wouldn't have been able to afford to leave them in it and live in two separate houses, their and my life turned upside down.

I am in no way saying that women whose husbands have affairs need to suck it up just for the kids or a safe happy life. I wouldn't have stayed had my husband not shown 100% remorse and commitment to rebuilding our life. I am not saying that OP should stay with her husband as he hasn't been honest.

What I am saying is that it is very easy for a bunch of strangers to yell LTB without understanding the people involved.

And a final thing, I think it is people like you Ivehearditall that make it even harder on the person who has been cheated on. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't. If we go, we are accused of not trying hard enough for the sake of the kids (I've even been told that I obviously wasn't having enough sex with my husband which is why he had the affair and that it is my duty as a mother to stay). If we stay, we are accused of being gullible fools who are falling for more lies.

We can't win. Can we? And the worst part, we didn't even do anything wrong. So lay off and keep your judgemental opinions to yourself.

If we go, we are accused of not trying hard enough for the sake of the kids...

By who? Who tells you that you are not trying hard enough?

(I've even been told that I obviously wasn't having enough sex with my husband which is why he had the affair and that it is my duty as a mother to stay)

Who told you this? If you read statements like that on mn, you will see that they are challenged very strongly.

My parents said the first, my female friend said the latter. To my face. My parents said it based on their own experience of getting divorced. The didn't say it meanly, they were trying to emphasise how horrific their own divorce and the fall out from that was. If you don't believe me, search my threads. I posted one about the friend comment

PTF I think you'll find very few posters have told OP to LTB. All I know, is that if the only way to truly believe you're not still being lied to is to check phones and emails, then you can't truly say you trust your partner. You were obviously lucky in that your husband really did want to give 100% commitment..but wasn't that what he should have given you when he said his wedding vows? And you use the words 'massive mistake' like he didn't mean to have an affair. Surely no one has an affair 'by mistake'..

Fairenuff: actually that's not always the case. I started a thread a month or so post discovery from which this is an extract:

Me: Our sex life had dwindled to virtually nothing: he was still keen but I felt no desire (for him or indeed anyone else). Whenever we DTD my body hardly responded and I came to view sex as a chore.

Other poster: I know I'm going to be criticised and one isn't supposed to say this kind of thing, but what did you expect? (ie didn't you epect that he'd be driven to have an affair?)

Nobody jumped on her!

And there is another thread on this board ATM called "Leaving a sexless marriage" in which women whose husbands have very low sex drives have admitted to having affairs and they have been shown a great deal of understanding - certainly no outrage.

Well said, PTfs wife.

I do think op should Ltb though, I can't deny it. If I were to bend over backwards to forgive my DH for an affair I would expect him to show some gratitude and respect to me. This DH is showing neither. I would see his correspondence as absolutely taking the piss.

PTFW, I think your H and op's H are two very different men, with two very different reactions. You cannot compare them. Don't project the criticism of him onto you, I really think responders are not doing that and you shouldn't either.

and tbh, you are being unfair to quote the shitty things said to you in RL and extrapolate them to MN. Mumsnet is notoriously (rightly or wrongly, depending on your viewpoint) on the side of the cheated upon and vitriolic towards the cheater

you know that

PTF did you stay with your cheating husband because your parents told you to, or your friend told you to, or did you do it for yourself. For your own benefit, to enhance your own life and make your life better?

It seems to me that so many people stay with cheating partners for the wrong reasons and that can never lead to happiness. Never trusting them fully, never feeling loved wholly, never feeling that you can rely on the one person you trusted not to hurt you in the first place.

It's so sad but, unfortunately, that relationship you thought you had is gone forever. The new relationship will never quite measure up.

I'm glad it's worked out for you, though, and that you are happier than ever now, if you actually are?

PTFSwife Sorry you got caught up in this and that some remarks have been very hurtful directed to you. I have lurked on your threads for advice previously and your point of view means a lot to me. I understand that your scenario is different to mine as your dh seems fully committed and mine continues to lie. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage.

I very much appreciate the advice of all the MNers on here - it is very motivational and eye-opening. That said, I used to be one of those women who have would most certainly LTB if he had an affair - without a doubt. Without being there, you cannot possibly say what you would do, or how you would react down the line - it's as impossible as i'm finding it. This is not me. I would not have stayed. Yet here I am, as you say, making excuses and clutching at straws. No disrespect intended - just that it is easy to say WHAT you would do, but until you are there, you can never know for sure.

Thanks for the continued support. It is helpful to have these perspectives. Checked emails tonight - nothing.

OP, just remember, the only people that you owe loyalty to are those that never made you question theirs.

Do what feels right for you. And you can always change your mind if you think you made a mistake. Nothing is set in stone.

holdtight it must be really hard to read all this. Only you know what is best for you. When it happened to me I did everything wrong. It is much easier with the benefit of hindsight. And MN has been a revelation to me. I hope things work out for you. So many of us identify with where you are now. x

Holdtight its entirely feasible people are talking from personal experience but they don't feel the need to share the information.

I agree that most of the posters on this thread are speaking from RL experience.

I also know that many who decided to give their betrayer another chance say that its the hardest thing they've ever done and that's even when the both parties are committed and he is doing all the hard work in repairing the relationship.

Remember that he is supposed to be doing all the hard work - not you. He is supposed to be 100% transparent, open and honest. No more secrets. No more lies. Otherwise its not going to work.

Asking for space is not LTB - its making him realise what he really stands to lose if he continues to lie and cheat. As someone else said earlier, you need to stop supplying the cake.

Actions speaker louder than words.

Ha OK PTF OK take it out on me, whatever works.

I really hope you cooked hubby a nice dinner and his emails were a boring read.
I did it, glad I did it, and didn't look back. If you don't have the guts - that's your problem not mine. Bye!

How nasty I'veheard. This is the relationships board not AIBU.

Op, its very normal and common for the betrayed spouse to want to access emails, texts etc. All part of the trust building and recovery process. In time this need will ease and you will gradually let go of the need to check on him - in any case you now know the signs of an affair and your instincts will kick in should he decide to cheat again.

PTF is taking it out on me though! She's trying to encourage OP to put up with this crap because she has. All the high-fiving amongst the people who stayed isn't helpful either y'know.

As for staying so that kids don't have to move schools etc - it just makes no sense. I know a lot of screwed up people who have had their self esteem damaged after they've been brought up by parents who stayed together after crap like this. It's just not worth it.

Hope you get to the bottom of it OP

Oh FFS! Ivehearditallnow, some people deal with it one way, some do it another. It isnt up to us to dictate.... and certainly not to hurl insults at people in pain. I stayed with my H and I do not lack guts, courage or determination. You didn't and I am sure you had your reasons,