Post dh affair: More shit to come?

[holdtight]

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

Agreed

Just don't like how we always sympathise with the people who stay - it's OK to have a pop at the LTB mob, like leaving isn't difficult!

I couldn't, and wouldn't be in a position to have to monitor a grown man's emails/phone etc - and if my daughter/best friend/mum came to me and said that's what they had to do I'd be absolutely distraught for them and their self esteem. So seeing someone advocate it like it's normal (IT ISN'T) really hit a nerve.

Tell me off all you like but OP shouldn't be lulled in to putting up with this stuff because of the upheaval of kids moving schools and what people will say, etc. FGS. LTB chants may not be helpful but people trying to convince her to lower herself to policing him to make themselves feel better is more damaging in my eyes. And newsflash just because I'm being harsh doesn't make me wrong.

You're not wrong, Ivehearditallnow but, unless you are actually in THAT situation, ie. are the OP and her husband, you can't know what the best course of action is. It is easy for people not currently going through this to say what they would do or even what they did but it's nothing more than an opinion based on their own experience. 'LTB' as a stock answer is completely ridiculous - as is 'stay with TB'.

I don't like some of the responses (not yours specifically) along the lines of "It would be a dealbreaker for me", "How could you ever sleep with him again?", etc. because the subtext is ALWAYS 'OP, if you go against what I'm saying - which is the only way to go - then you are weak/feeble/lacking in self-respect (which is a vile thing to say),'. It does nothing other than make a hurting poster feel they can't post - or must hide their decisions for fear of censure.

The posters who keep reminding others that this isn't AIBU really needn't. AIBU has some greatly insightful posters - as has this board - but neither one is the Mecca for relationship advice.

You didn't and I am sure you had your reasons

Yep; self-respect, wanting to teach my daughter not to put up with being treated like utter shite, and I'll be honest - being too scared of not being able to go through it all again.

I just with the cheats could see and understand the damage they cause.
Wouldn't wish that horrible feeling in the stomach on anyone. For people to put themselves through that feeling every time they open their partner's inbox baffles me.

Yep Lying you're right. Again. Smarty-pants

*wish, not with!

"Yep; self-respect, "

Yeah, thanks for that

And I have never once in all my years on MN seen a poster criticise anyone for leaving a cheating spouse. On the contrary most urge the betrayed to do so and get cross when she won't. Just like you are doing.

Oh FGS wind your neck in. I was just clarifying my reasons seeing as it was brought up.

Good luck OP (and the rest of you who chose to give it another bash - I might be gobby I know it's a tough decision to make). Each to their own.

An affair is not a 'mistake' putting 2 sugars instead of 1 in your tea is a mistake.

noddy i totally agree.

A 'mistake' to me is putting petrol in your diesel car.

An affair is a choice. It might turn out to be a bad one, but it would seem that that's only if you get caught.

Isn't it all a bit irrelevant to the OP whether an affair is a mistake or an act of will?

Her husband's had/having one; she's in pain and whatever decision she makes, her life as she knows it has changed.

I don't think so lying

She has used the term herself. If it was me, I would welcome any advice/ insightfulness to the situation that might make me see things differently.

I have never said that the OP needs to stay with her husband or put up with what he is doing. I have said (often) that because my husband was 100% committed to resolving what he had done, that I was willing to stay and try fix things.

If I were the OP, I would sit my husband down and tell him very clearly how much of a betrayal his ongoing contact is, that he has removed all possible trust (even more so than the affair) and that he needs to leave for a while to decide what is more important to him - me or her. And I would make him leave. To make him realise that he could and very possibly will, lose it all.

If he chose me thereafter, I would need to see a massive amount of commitment, openness and communication from him for us to even have a starting point to work from. It still wouldn't guarantee that it would work. But that is how I would approach it. The OP needs to make her own decisions and I wish her every bit of strength and clarity of thought she can muster. It's not easy to take them back and it's not easy to leave. You get a choice of shitty option A or shitty option B. The only way the betrayed spouse can get through either option is to go in with as positive a mental attitude as possible.

For the poster who asked whether I decided to stay with my husband for my parents, my friend or myself - the answer is wholeheartedly myself. I will share with you something I sent in an email to my family after I had gone away to think things through:

'I have had a long time to think things through and basically I realised that I have three choices:

1. To get divorced
2. To stay married 'for the sake of the children' but be miserable ourselves and thereby not setting a terrific example for the children
3. To be happily married by working through this.

I have opted for option 3.'

The only way I could choose option 3 was to have the deep commitment from my husband to be entirely open and honest and committed to me. And for me to acknowledge that forgiveness is not condoning what he had done, but a gift to myself.

So far for me, it is the right decision. Each to his own.

I think a point is being missed in the last few interactions between those that stay and those that split up.

I don't think either is the right way or the wrong way. I think those that stay actually have the harder time. To me, leaving would be a grieving process, which you would eventually get past, but staying is a long hard struggle down a road that you can't be 100% sure will work/be worth it.

However, the op's situation isn't either of these. (for the moment) The op is on the road to the long hard struggle, but her DH doesn't look like he's made his mind up yet. So while she's struggling down this road, he's got one eye on the exit slip. imo.

(sorry for the bad analogy)

All this talk of being chosen is so humiliating and empowers the cheater only

I agree Noddy - OP has to decide first and foremost whether she wants him. But if she decides she does, he needs to have 100% decided that he wants her, otherwise the affair will never be put behind them.

OP there is a very simple way to test his honesty. Just ask him if he has had any contact at all with her since November.

If he is committed to being honest with you he will tell you about the emails.

If he isn't he will say he has had no contact.

Don't tell him you know just yet because he will minimise and say he's forgotten about them because they were so insignificant, etc. Just ask him and see what he says.

Then, depending on his answer, you can have another think about which way you want to handle this.

But first you need to find out if he is still prepared to keep secrets from you.

Thanks for these messages, reading through them and seeing all the viewpoints really helps. I think I am now going to wait and see if there are any more emails before I act. We are getting on really well at the moment and the emails do appear to be petering out, perhaps as dh sees things are working with us and isn't as panicky as he was letting ow go for good initially.

I agree with tessa that he is actually being cruel to ow and isn't sending them out of her best interests or a genuine affection for her. If I see one more then I will have it out right away and will take no prisoners.

I wish you well holdtight and I hope you get the outcome you want. Take care x

perhaps as dh sees things are working with us and isn't as panicky as he was letting ow go

OP it's a bit worrying that you think like this. Can you actually see what it is you've written here?

Your main concern is to keep him happy so that he stays with you. You are not going to ask if he's been in contact with her because you are frightened that this will 'rock the boat' and send him back to her.

I just wanted to point this out to you because I'm not sure you realise quite how much this has affected you and how you are moderating your behaviour to suit him.

That's not a good sign.

Holdtight, I'm another person who hopes that one day soon you go back through your posts, see what they actually say,then use your new found insight to empower yourself. By all means stay with your husband if thats what you want and need to do, but pls do it from a position of strength and not what your posts are implying.

I really do wish the very best for you whatever road you go down.

I find it deeply perplexing that you are using his cruelty towards another woman as a positive contributor towards staying in a relationship with him. I'm not sure you understand my original point. He probably does have affection for her, he just doesn't care about what's best for her in the long run, only himself. It is an indicator of his lack of wisdom, empathy and courage that he is unwilling to shut down all communication for everyone's good. He is selfish. His selfishness doesn't stop at the edge of his relationship with OW. that applies across the board, not just in his dealing with the her.

I suspect you are not yet willing to cede control over his emails and look outside of the perspective (some might say prison) you have built for yourself.

It may seem as if you are monitoring him. But holdtight, he is monitoring you. And what is absolute genius is he is able to do it with no knowledge or effort at all. You are doing it for him. He is completely controlling your behavior now. You are the one who is going to be 'super nice' to try and stop the emails starting up again and it is you who are doing the humiliating 'pick me' dance by trying to keep a relationship unrealistically positive and flawless for fear he will seek emotional comfort elsewhere. What happens wen you go through a bad patch? As you undoubtedly will? Then will he stop 'realising' what a good relationship you two could have? And then will it be okay when he emails her? And then when you confront him and he says how long have you feel looking at my emails what will you say? And when he gets furious because he realizes you've known all along will you apologize? Because your breach of trust is probably bigger, he explains, than the fact he has repeatedly turned down a woman for meeting over email, like a good boy? And then will you do the pick me dance again and realize how lucky you are that he stayed with you through this? And then will you agree to stop snooping? And then will you live the rest of your life afraid and suspicious but at least you got him, OP! AT LEAST YOU GOT HIM!!

You are afraid of confrontation and it seems from his lies, he is too. Unless you address this generally, the affair will be repressed into another form.

It might feel like control but it's not. You are monitoring your own cage. Good luck.

I know, God knows I know, how hard it is to see the truth of his behaviour when you're in the thick of emotional turmoil.

I posted several threads almost identical to this a few years back. I just wasn't ready to give up on him, or on us, despite the fact that all the signs pointed to ongoing deceit and certain failure. It took me a long time to detach and see him for what he really was and what I was signing up for if I stayed.

Even if you aren't read to end it, keep this thread and re-read it often. Being able to remind yourself at intervals of the cheat's script, and of what he promised he'd do will be quite an eye opener.

I still think you should ask if he's had any contact since November.

If he admits he has, it won't be a shock and you can calmly say 'thank you for being honest with me, that helps' and ask if all contact has stopped for good now. He will be the one who is grateful then. He will keep trying to work on rebuilding the trust.

If he lies and says there's been no contact, just say, 'okay, that's good' and leave it for now. Then you can go away and ponder just why he is still lying to you and whether he is ever likely to change.

Ask him. What have you got to lose?

Thanks for continuing to try to help me. There have been no more recent emails but I have delved a bit deeper and found out (on an email) that he did tried to phone her back in December as she asks if she missed a call to which he replied he was sorry and that he was just 'thinking about old times' but not to bother calling him back.

I don't know wether i'm coming or going. I've already drawn the line in no uncertain terms and he has crossed it but now I realise I wasn't really committed to the line I drew (if that makes sense), I just assumed he would do as we agreed.

He really does appear to be trying and despite this we are getting on so well now (hysterical bonding etc etc) so I don't know what to do now. I'm still telling myself that it was initial panic contact with ow and things are working here now so he is finally doing no contact, as i set out, it's just taken him a while to get there.

I know I sound like a fool, this really isn't me :(.