Mum wants money back for education

[ssalvato]

So my mum and dad gave me money that they specifically stated needed to be paid off for a house and a car. I have spent the last 5.5 years paying this off and am so happy that I have now paid it off to the tune of £10,000. With that done, I call my mum and say I've paid off my debts, I don't really want to be paying money into your account until the end of time. Plus the fact that I am finishing up a phd and am short on cash now. I'm not earning money and my husband has just lost his job.

She turns round and says, well your father (who died in July) gave you £14k for your Oxford education. YOu need to pay your debts. I reply, I didn't think that was a debt. She said, as your parents, we didn't insist you pay it, it was just assumed that you would pay it back! It was money for my education, isn't it what parents do.

That said, yes they gave me a thousand here and a thousand there through uni but isn't that what parents do? I took out loans to fund myself and worked through most of it. So now I am thinking I am done paying, she brings up this 'debt' that has never been mentioned before.

I did say to her, "i'll see you right", meaning when I am earning I will make sure I look after you. Thinks are more complicated by the fact that my husband does not get on with my mother and my mother hates him and blames him for everything. He doesn't want our money to be perpeptually going into her account for a debt that was money for education. The problems I have:

1. She has got me questioning what the terms of that money were. Was it a loan? I'm pretty sure they said we will pay for it, I know you'll see us right. Rather than, you can pay us back when you are rich! Either way there was no formality over the payment.

1. Should I pay her perpeptually? If I do, I am acknowleding that this is something that specifically needs to be paid and will take me years and years.

1. When I told her I didn't have the money to pay, she automatically jumped to the fact that my husband was to blame. She didn't once ask whether things were ok financially.

1. I want to help her out. I acknowledge her and my father's contribution, but should I feel endebted to her? Should I feel like I owe it to her?

1. Am I being harsh? Should I just keep paying her?

I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should pay her, but I can't afford to right now. Additionally, isn't it a parent's job/desire to help out their children? Should they expect it back? Is it wrong of her to feel entitled to regular financial payments?

SSalvato

My mum did similar to me eventhough I had a grant and loan and she offered next to nothing. She is a vile woman and I would not be shocked if she had attempted to charge me rent for the time spent in her uterus.
It is common for parents to support their children in higher education and not even think about asking for it back.

parents pay what they can for education. yours paid fourteen thousand. that's not too bad. you're under no moral obligation to pay it back. plus, you can't afford to do so. tell her no, or not at the moment, and put it out of your mind.

Neverending life has treated me very well thanks... I have no problems at all, especially where it comes to money!

Rabbit of course she can afford to pay it back, she has her own house and is about to buy a 2nd one in the states...

It would be incredibly stupid to borrow against your house to pay back a loan that does not exist.

She said her husband was going to buy a home in the US. Perhaps he is using his own/family money to do this.

Pay her FA. It was never a loan.

I cant actually comprehend a parent asking for their childrens education costs back, just bizarre.

OP, I can pretty much guarantee that even if you were to pay back something that was clearly NOT a loan, but a gift from your father, that this wouldn't be the end of your mother's attempts to weaken and undermine you.

When you move to the US you'll gain the distance you need to see this woman for what she is.

You'll give thanks to the fact that your lovely dad protected you from her all that time.

You won't change her, don't even try. Just move on with your life and be happy. She won't like that of course, as she's not invested in your happiness.

I'm sorry, it's shit isn't it? :(

Gosh, that's awful, OP. Almost all parents are only too happy to help their kids out financially. I helped both my kids buy their first properties, also subbed them as much as I could when they were studying ... it's never occurred to me to ask for the money back. In fact, when I helped my son buy his flat (in 1993) he suggested we treat the money as a loan, to be paid back eventually, but I wouldn't hear of it. I love my kids and even though they're now middle aged, with their own families, I'd help them out without missing a beat if it were necessary.

Like some other MNs have suggested, I'd let your mother whistle for the uni money.

ssalvato As PP have said you are under no obligation to pay this money back. I think your mum is trying to claw back control since your married and now emigrating.

Tell your mum under no circumstances will you be paying this 'loan' back and distance yourself from her.

How was your relationship with your father?

It is awful that your mother expects you to pay for your uni. costs! We paid fully for both our children's uni education. Fortunately we could afford it and saw it as our final input to their education. Then they were adults!!
Maybe there are tax implications on the money to be paid back? Is it earnings?
Your mother is completely unreasonable and hurtful as it might be, I'd give her a wide berth for the time being. She can't have money you have not got! Good luck x

What Hissy says is spot on in terms of dealing with a parent like this. My DH has florished while living half a world away from his toxic parents. They haven't changed and neither will your mother OP, but you will change without her negativa influence.

And it still wasn't ever a loan so you still have no debt To pay.