Mum wants money back for education

[ssalvato]

So my mum and dad gave me money that they specifically stated needed to be paid off for a house and a car. I have spent the last 5.5 years paying this off and am so happy that I have now paid it off to the tune of £10,000. With that done, I call my mum and say I've paid off my debts, I don't really want to be paying money into your account until the end of time. Plus the fact that I am finishing up a phd and am short on cash now. I'm not earning money and my husband has just lost his job.

She turns round and says, well your father (who died in July) gave you £14k for your Oxford education. YOu need to pay your debts. I reply, I didn't think that was a debt. She said, as your parents, we didn't insist you pay it, it was just assumed that you would pay it back! It was money for my education, isn't it what parents do.

That said, yes they gave me a thousand here and a thousand there through uni but isn't that what parents do? I took out loans to fund myself and worked through most of it. So now I am thinking I am done paying, she brings up this 'debt' that has never been mentioned before.

I did say to her, "i'll see you right", meaning when I am earning I will make sure I look after you. Thinks are more complicated by the fact that my husband does not get on with my mother and my mother hates him and blames him for everything. He doesn't want our money to be perpeptually going into her account for a debt that was money for education. The problems I have:

1. She has got me questioning what the terms of that money were. Was it a loan? I'm pretty sure they said we will pay for it, I know you'll see us right. Rather than, you can pay us back when you are rich! Either way there was no formality over the payment.

1. Should I pay her perpeptually? If I do, I am acknowleding that this is something that specifically needs to be paid and will take me years and years.

1. When I told her I didn't have the money to pay, she automatically jumped to the fact that my husband was to blame. She didn't once ask whether things were ok financially.

1. I want to help her out. I acknowledge her and my father's contribution, but should I feel endebted to her? Should I feel like I owe it to her?

1. Am I being harsh? Should I just keep paying her?

I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should pay her, but I can't afford to right now. Additionally, isn't it a parent's job/desire to help out their children? Should they expect it back? Is it wrong of her to feel entitled to regular financial payments?

SSalvato

Well I think needing to borrow £24k which you can't pay back is living beyond your means.

Yes it does, because she should have said that it was a loan at the time. She didn't so it's a gift.

I wonder what the OP's dad would make if it.

As a parent has no obligation to support an adult then the adult has no obligation to support a parent.

Pay her FA. It isn't owed. Enjoy your move, too, it will be good to get some distance from tis controlling person.

It IS wrong to support your children through university and only after the fact demand the money back. Because if you hadn't done so they would be eligible for government grants.

If I 'lend' people money - then I do it without the expectation of ever getting it back. If it comes back, bonus, if not then I am not upset.

Many years ago I lent SIL (then just my boyfriends sister) an amount to bank as a safety net to something risky she was embarking on. She hasn't needed the money, but I have no idea if it is still sitting there. Maybe she used it for something else, maybe it's still her safety net. Either way its her money now, and I trust that she will use it if she needs to.

I did call it a loan when it was offered, but that was the only way that SIL would take it - I never intend to recall it - and even if I did, how exactly would I prove that SIL had the money in the first place? She didn't sign anything.

Unless you signed for that money OP, then your mum hasn't a leg to stand on.

I don't think this is an issue where you can bring your mother round to your point of view. So just decide what you are going to do, and do it. Don't get dragged in to discussions about it.

You cannot afford to pay her, so that's that, really. Up to you to decide whether you want to pay her and if so how much at a later date.

But really, as others have pointed out:

• it's about control, rather than financial need (she owns 2 houses...)
• it was not presented as a loan at the time, it was presented as a gift
• moreover, it was a gift made by your father, not by her.

She borrowed £10k, not £24k. She was not told the £14k was a loan. So it's not. A fig for moral shit. Your mother will always find something you owe.

You're taking far too wide a view of this. Focus on the big issues.

No, your education costs were not a loan unless you specifically agreed to this at the time. So, no, you do not need to pay off that debt, as it is not a debt. Your parents gifted you that money for your education, which was very kind of them. I'm afraid she can't wait 8 years and then make a one-sided decision that the gift was actually a loan.

Your mother hates your DH. This is a separate problem. I suggest you stand up for your DH in this, especially as you plan to move to the US with him.

Emigrating can be costly - if she's opposed to you emigrating, could it be that she's trying to make it so that you don't have enough money to go?

Rainbow - I feel sad that you have that sort of relationship with your parents. My mother and I have had an extremely volatile relationship in the past and she struggles with money (as most of us do).

However, when I moved out at 18 she paid for a considerable amount of my furniture and gave me money when I really needed it. She would never ask for that money back as she is my mother and she was helping me out (I was in full time employment, an adult capable of supporting myself as you put it).

It's a shame that money was so important to your parents that you've grown up thinking that a parent gifting money to their children is abhorrent.

Ssalvto how much money has your DH brought into the marriage?
You have put thousands into your house deposit/mortgage payments...maybe your mum is worried about you...

I am realising just how much my father instigated all the actions. From large actions like this to having my animals when I travel. She recently said, it was your father that wanted the animals, I don't want them and won't have them anymore. This was following a conversation of me begging her to help me, because my husband grandma died and I had to travel to the US for the funeral. She flat out refused. Needless to say the relationship has broken down. I just wanted impartial opinions as to whether I was in the wrong, whether I was tackling the situation inappropriately. I can conceed to being in the wrong and will hold my hands up, but I honestly hand on heart did not think this £14k was something she was going to hold over me. This is all so sad.

It doesn't really matter what financial position she is or isn't in. You have no moral high ground when you have taken 14k of her money. I would feel bad if id taken £100 from my mum or dad, not because they can or can't afford it but because it is their money not mine.

What planet are you on? Did your parents not clothe you? Feed you? This is a akin to that. Any parent who expects their adult child to repay money that has been used towards obtaining an education is pretty damn low in my book.

"Well I think needing to borrow £24k which you can't pay back is living beyond your means."

If no one borrowed £24k for higher education, then only the children of the very wealthy would ever receive an education. If her parents had refused to pay for her education, the OP would have a student loan to pay off, on famously lenient terms.

But lucky her, she doesn't have a loan to pay off. Because they gave her the £14k outright, and she already paid back the £10k. Well done, OP.

Your DM sees you as a money tree. She has got used to seeing that regular amount coming into her bank account and now that it is about to stop she is thrashing around looking for another way of extorting money from you.

She is the worst sort of blackmailer. This will never end. She will always be looking for another way to get money from you.

unlucky83 my DH is purchasing our family home in the US for us. The UK house is in my name, but we share everything. A natural concern, I understand, but we are equals.

Why embark upon a phd when you can't afford it

Well if everyone thought that like that the world would be fucked wouldn't it. What do you think student loans are, oh yes for those who can't afford it.

She could afford it. Her parent's were paying the fees. There was NO talk of it being a loan. Otherwise she could have done what I did and got a student loan.

She is trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband.Dont let her do it.She wants you to be at her beck and call and not have a life of your own.
Regarding the animals she knew this would screw you up,so i suggest you just get used to not needing her.Its not about the money she needs to control you and you moving away is putting the kybosh on that.You are finally growing up and she doesnt like it

Then maybe it is all about control ...
I wouldn't pay her anymore, I'd say you didn't realise it was a loan and at the moment you can't pay anymore.
(Also you could point inheritance tax and care home costs implications in the future!)

I don't think you should have to pay back the money they gave you when you were a student. The only thing I can think of is that she is in a dire financial situation and is very short of money so she has come up with this.

Unless you signed an agreement that it was a loan I think she would have a hard time taking you to court.

Most parents would be proud of a child of theirs getting such a good education.

Are you an only child?

Your mum is as bats as rainbowsmiles. There's always one loon in a group.

You're not owe her anything. The £10k you paid back was a loan. This was communicated by your parents and understood by you at the time and it was paid back. This is the first time of you hearing about the £14k being a loan because it wasn't a loan.

What happens when you pay that back? Will it be 'What about all those clothes we bought you and the petrol on lifts? You need to pay me back for those'.

What was your relationship with her like before your dad died? What are the things that are all your DH's fault?

I was going to ask if perhaps she'd found herself in financial difficulty since your dad died but apparently not if she can afford a house but not a headstone then money isn't the real problem here.

'a second house' that should be.

If you're after opinions on whether YABU in refusing to pay it back, you are most certainly not.

This is all about power and control to your mum I'm afraid. It sticks out a mile.